Budget Bride -Week1

Hello my lovelies!

I am so sorry! I have been such a bad blogger this week and neglected the blog a bit. To be honest I've been on such a high this week and only had one thing on my mind. MY WEDDING. Yes I'm getting married!!! After three years we have FINALLY set a date for June next year. I never really understood the whole bridezilla thing or the whole weddings are stressful thing, but I've had my first taster this week and the stress cloud is already showing an appearance! There is just so much to think about you don't know where to start first. The bridezilla head hasn't shown itself yet, note I say yet as you never know, its just so easy to get carried away!

I am not going to sit here and say I'm having a big fancy occasion because I'm not. Sure it would be lovely to have the castle, marque, white doves, fire works and lavish party with posh food and champagne all night long. That's every little girls dream. It was mine until I met Tom and realised the real meaning for marriage. Anyway my do is going to be a tad smaller, a registry office ceremony and some kind of pub/function room reception. It may not be lavish but its just as much stress and just as much work, though its nice stress and work I like doing! I thought I would track my journey through the blog, it may relate to other brides out there!

Through week 1 of wedding planning I have learnt that the first thing you should do apart from the obvious ceremony booking and notice to marry booking is getting the guest list together. You need to have a good Idea of numbers because that's the first thing people ask when you enquire about ANYWHERE. I'm actually going to rewind and say you will prob need to know numbers before booking the ceremony too because them rooms come in many size varieties!

What I found more challenging in week one

Getting Tom to tell his dad - Ok so this may seem little in hindsight but when its not. I have many family members that are excited and want to go public on social media but I felt strongly that no close family members should find out that way. I had told all I needed to and so did Tom... to a certain degree. He really dragged his heels when telling his dad and no there was no reason for it other than he is simply just a man. And a very laid back at that. Tom can be so laid back that he is going backwards at times. I was on at him for a good couple of days to tell his dad before he actually listened, this played my "bride anxiety" (yes I am inventing something) up bad.

Reception Venue - Ah gosh its not easy when your on a budget and EVERY venue wants to charge through the roof! No I am not after something for nothing but I would like there to be a good amount of options out there for us budget brides!

Notice Of Marriage -  Well this is a massive pain in the bum for me! I need to save up the £70 to give notice of marriage, I know a joke of a charge! This is the most stressful thing because I know it NEEDS to be done its going to take me 4 weeks to save to book and will probably the longest 4 weeks of my life.

Things I found easy in week 1

Ceremony venue - I found this quite quick, I had a pick of registry offices but I found this gem of an old manorish house and HAD to book! it was quick and easy with just a £46 deposit:)

Telling friends and family - I haven't gone wild on social media yet but I let it out to friends and family in a heartbeat as I just couldn't contain my excitement! They also know how long I've waited for this and how much it means to us.

Planning and organising - Thanks to my sister making me fab planning folder I have thrown myself into jotting things down and organising. It makes life so much easier!!

Picking Bridesmaids and Page Boys - Very important for a bride!  I picked them easily, I'm having my two girls Ava and Bella then Katie my lovely sister in law and Elisa my sister (And baby Jayde my niece) if my sisters okay with it . My page boys are gonna be my two gorgy nephews Alfie and Ronnie.

I think I have earned a nice glass of wine and to put my feet up! I'm gonna go and watch x factor now but I look forward to keeping you all updated with my planning next week :)

Thanks for reading :)

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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My Mind And Me - It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

Well on my journey with counselling I expected to see changes. Mood changes more than anything. I thought this counselling would be a fix, A Quick fix. If I am totally honest with you I thought it was going to be 'easy' and solve all my problems. How naïve of me. I was being stupid thinking like that but when your in the moment things seem a lot different. That's one thing that's annoying about depression, it can cloud a lot and change your thought process. I'm lucky I am not one of the severe ones.


Half way through my journey I began to realise the desired effect I hoped the counselling would have was not going to happen. I kept coming out of the sessions with my emotions running sky high just like I felt on the first session only I couldn't figure out why. I mean yes its understandable that I wouldn't feel one hundred percent after speaking about the events of my past but come on I thought I'd be able to learn to keep a lid on how it made me felt. In my head that's what counselling was meant to help me to do. I don't know If that was my deluded vision of counselling or a thought process I created to help make what counselling would really do to me seem easier.

Before you start counselling they tell you it is an emotional journey and you start to feel worse before you feel better and you may also not feel great when you finish. I thought that nah that's not going to be me they are just saying that to make me feel better. I can tell you I was wrong, wrong to assume I would be different. I was feeling worse, half way through I thought I was going to rip someone's head off and my emotions were all over the place. I should have listened and that way I would have been prepared for the hard core feelings hitting me like a bus. I'm not going to dress it up for you all its important you know the realities of counselling. I felt destroyed. I felt broken as a person and as woman, I was in a tunnel that I didn't think I would make  it through. I felt stuck. Stuck with my past and all the horrible memories it brought. I was reliving it every day in my head almost like punishing myself. But why? I didn't know.

I realise now that I was meant to feel that way. Its like a fear the only way to confront it is to tackle it head on. That's what I was doing. Tackling my past head on because my past was the key to all my problems. Despite the way the counselling was making me feel I enjoyed going. It was my chance to talk to someone, tell someone how I felt and what was going on and that person  did not judge. That person was completely neutral  and most of  all listened. Listened when no one else would, or couldn't understand. So there I was half way through my counselling journey feeling shit and confused and erratic but also feeling motivated and positive that I had someone to listen. That is what started to pull me through. The fact that every seven days there was a pair of ears waiting for me meant the world.

Look out for my mind and me next week

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Break explanation

Hello Lovlies,

OMG two weeks out! I do apologise for taking a two week break but we all need time off right? Things just got on top of me I suppose, not taking my anti depressants didn't help. I know I know I need to take them  and can't come off them cold turkey but what's a girl to do when the funds aren't there? I needed to pick up my prescription from the chemist but as one of the few on a low income but for some what reason the government decide don't need help I wasn't able to afford to pick up my medication. I pay for my scripts as and when so its a nightmare!! That reminds me I should set up the pre paid thing. So yeah I've been feeling pretty low. Along with that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I'll have terrible problems falling asleep and then when I do go off I cant hold a sleep and will be waking up every hourish. That along with having low iron levels has left me walking around like a zombie. I am on tablets for my low iron but I am a nightmare for remembering to take the damn things, anyone else like that? Things come to ahead Friday when Katie insisted I go doctors and accompanied me for moral support. I broke down in there after getting prescribed medication to help me sleep. That wasn't before the bloody doctor pre judged me as a weed smoking alcoholic. Apparently when  you cant sleep and turn up with no make up on that's what you automatically become.

Thanks to Katie for buying my scripts for me I was finally able to get back on the mend by taking my anti depressants again and taking my sleep meds. After a few nights good sleep I'm starting to gradually feel a bit better and more relaxed. Relaxed enough to start blogging again. If I am honest I've missed my blogging in the last couple of weeks, it makes  me feel so much better. Being able to vent and let you guys what's going on makes me feel good. It just a shame that no matter how much I wanted to get back on the laptop I just didn't feel able to.

Not to worry now though, I am back, I've had a break and I'm looking forward to writing for you all again. This was a post to let you know why I've been quiet and to read our posts this week, starting with one tomorrow :)

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Relationship Revelation

My lovely readers

You know being in a relationship is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I've been a single parent. When your single and you think about relationship life you believe its all just going to fall in to your lap, if you find your 'soul mate' so to speak then it will be easy. You will get together and sail off into the sunset and live a life of no stress and no work. Well that's how it works in the movies isn't it? Naïve indeed, but that was me back then. Yes I had a child but when It came to family life I hadn't a clue, I lived with my parents one of them being a mother that wouldn't let me touch the cooker or washing machine, or my bed for that matter. Of course this meant I had it a bit easy but in reality it taught me f***k all about life and how to look after myself ect. My parents never gave me great talks about relationships, what to expect, what its like when you find 'the one' and so on. It wasn't their fault they wasn't s**t parents, they were just from an older generation and found it a bit awkward, whereas parents of today don't. But still whatever the how I was so uneducated when  it came to relationships, whatever I did know was self taught, so I pretty much had to wing it all. The dating, the first night together, the meeting the family, the talk of what you both want, and then the most serious stuff. And of course the sex stuff like,  hey I'm on the pill but do you wanna wear a condom for a double whammy of protection. Which by the way me and Tom didn't and I fell pregnant on the pill.

The honeymoon period was the hardest to understand, sure it was lovely and easy while we were in it, but its the coming out of it I'm talking about, you know the bit where you emerge into a 'proper established' couple, like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon as butterfly. This is the bit I would have personally like a heads up about. Things change and unless you have been given the heads  up you start to question EVERYTHING. Nothing stays the same, the romance dies down a little, the man gets extremely comfortable and thinks he don't have to woo you and you feel like you can let out your most embarrassing traits and so does he. You tend to bicker because well you know that you don't have to pretend that you love each others bad habits. As a woman I find then that you can get extremely paranoid that he's not into you anymore. He weren't like it before (honeymoon period). In reality he is into just as much but he just knows that he's got you now. You become an unromantic nose picking, wind releasing love making pair. To be honest the love making is the only thing that remains pretty much the same, well it did in my case that was until I was heavily pregnant, even then we didn't stop completely. I fell pregnant in the honeymoon period, which is pretty rare. And during the honeymoon period Tom was obviously getting to know Ava who was very young at the time. He was taking her on as his own. So where as normal couples only experience the normal changes of settling into an established relationship, we had a few extra. Poor Tom had to deal with someone with hormones that hit space and come crashing back down with a massive thud, when he didn't leave me then I knew he was a keeper, I had practically turned into a pig to the point where you could have put me in a pen and I would have fitted in quite well, how he kept up with the amount of food I shoved down me I don't know. Trying to make myself look as attractive as I was when we met, while being pregnant and the size of a house was pretty difficult in itself, though he always said how beautiful I was I was still over paranoid I was gonna loose him. When you add money problems like Tom loosing his job, finding a place to live ect, things got pretty tough. It tested us. We did argue, of course we did. We both got hugely stressed, but we had each other and we both knew we were stronger together. When Tom finally got another stable job and things started to ease it was time for me to give birth to our beautiful Bella. This is where I knew our relationship was for good, he literally saw me toilet during childbirth and although he was nearly sick in his own mouth, he still confessed his love for me. Of course I was mortified when he first told me what he had seen as doing that during childbirth was one of my biggest fears but, now I couldn't give a s**t (pardon the pun). It proved how strong Toms love for me actually is.

Now we have been together 3 years, its been a rocky road full of ups and downs, stresses and joys. Tom can wind me up to the point where I want to scream, whether he does it in a jokey way or a moody way and then in the click of his fingers he can calm  me down and make me laugh. Family life can stress out a relationship, this is sometimes what I wanted mum to make me aware of, sure you can give the safe sex talk, how to handle dates first kisses ect, but what about handling the relationship in the comfy stages, how to deal with emotions when you have an argument ect. When me and Tom have an argument I get so upset, I'm a very emotional person. Heck sometimes I thought life would be easier to walk out, this is when we are arguing. Your head and thoughts get so blurred when your angry. This is when I look into his eyes and all the bad feeling and thoughts all  just melt away, its like looking into them when we first met and falling in love with him all over again. I don't know how he does it.

I suppose from this I wanna hand out some advice, some of you won't need it, some of you might. No matter how much that person annoys you no matter how often they don't do the dishes or they don't pick up their clothes. No matter how many times they make constant jokes they think are funny or moan at you for one thing or another. When you are in that moment where the stress has  built up and you think you just can't do it anymore. Don't run. Its not the answer, if everyone gave up on their relationship when it got a bit stressful then we would all be single. Look into their eyes, see what made you fall in love with this person in the first place, that person is still there. You both just need to make an effort to ensure that you both see that from time to time. Sit down find it in your hearts to forgive each others imperfections and embrace each other. Enjoy each other because one day you wont be able too. Remember like me and Tom your the strongest when together and united. I don't know about you but when me and Tom are united I feel on top of the world, in fact, I feel like I can take on the world. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my partner, my first love and my true love and I will always be by his side.  


Thanks for reading

Until next time :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


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My Mind And Me - Raw Emotions

Raw Emotions

Getting in the car I felt very uneasy. I felt like I was on my way to court to be judged. In reality I was on my way to my second counselling session, only this was the first time we would start talking about things properly. As I sat in the back seat of the cab I felt as if I was about to have every last detail of my life and traumatic events be picked apart one by one. I was about to confront issues that I hadn't visited in a long while, events that could have possibly caused the depression I was feeling today. Notice I say possibly, I didn't know for sure what had caused it but that was the point in this, the journey was to find out what had and to start conquering it for my sake and my families.

Sitting in the waiting room caused the most nerves. They were NHS so there was no thought of comfort gone into the waiting room, of course the NHS never pumped money into things like that. To be honest they should it may make anxiety in people like me lower when waiting to torture themselves with their pasts. Part of me was hoping I had got the day wrong and they wouldn't call my name out, but I was correct. "Bethany" there was my name, dread filled me as I took a slow forceful walk into the room I had came to like on my last visit, but I had a feeling that after todays session I wouldn't be feeling the same. The awkwardness was overwhelming, the counsellor was waiting for me to start, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to say what I had been through. I needed her to ask me about it, it was the only way I was going to open up, it was the only way I knew how. The time between me deciding to be awkward and the counsellor asking me seemed to drag. It was silent and I was look around the room in a nervous panic, I heard Ava and Bella playing in the waiting room under Katie's supervision, it took all the strength I had not to crash through the wall to them. Let me tell you its not easy holding back tears when someone is unstitching the stitching that held the emotional wounds together. I couldn't. I broke down. It was hard. I talked about the events that had moulded the person that stands here today. The wounds were open and the emotions where pouring out like blood and I couldn't stop  it and I couldn't control it. My anxiety crept up as I was aware of the counsellor sitting in front of me. What was she thinking? Did she think I was nuts? Was she going to tell me off for crying? The answers to all these questions was no. She was calming and as I made eye contact with her for the first time I could see something, she was listening. For the first time no one was crying, getting confused or getting angry when I spoke about everything. For the first time someone was actually taking it in and listening to every word, to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just listening to what I was saying and to how I felt. Before I knew it time was up and I had to leave. But I was just getting started, now I had to stop when the wounds were open, if I closed them up again I weren't sure if I could re open them again which left me only one option. I had to leave my wounds open for the week. This scared me. Scared me stiff.

I must have been a complete nightmare to live with that week. I remember feeling so terrible and wanting to cry almost all of the time. I would put on a brave face and pretend I was okay in front of people, but not Tom. I couldn't pretend to him. So he got the rough of it as I let my emotions out the only way I knew how. Anger. I would pick arguments and then argue till I was blue in the face. I would then cry afterwards like I was the poor victim when I wasn't. Poor Tom had been lured into an argument just so I could scream and shout to let it all out. let out all the emotions that were pouring out of them still open wounds. I couldn't explain it to Tom, I didn't know how. It killed me inside to shout at him the way I did and to confuse him the way I did. I love him so very much he's the love of my life it wasn't fair on him. I'm pretty s**t at coping sometimes. I did think that week that maybe Tom would be better off without me, without me treating him so poorly. With out me shouting at him every night. But Tommy being the lovely bloke that he is still cuddled me, still gave me comfort and reassurance, in his own way he understood, he didn't have to say it out loud for me to know. With every cuddle he gave me after every argument I knew that he would be there by my side while I confronted the demons of my past. I was so tired of how I felt and hoped that I would start seeing the positives from the counselling sooner rather than later. Exhaustion was not a good look for me.

Thanks for reading

Look out for My Mind And Me next week.

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Feeling alone By Katie

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling alone

 

 

At the weekend my health messed up a family fun day Saturday which made me rather sad and couldn't help but feel alone! 

When you have chronic illness you feel so alone. When I say alone I mean because I have no one in my family that suffers with a chronic illness similar to mine so it's genuinely hard to talk out loud about my health as they do not understand. Alone because most family birthdays meals I cannot attend because I'm either in a bad flare or can't eat anything on the menu so I'm left at home alone and I end up feeling so isolated. The one thing that really upsets me about missing family occasions is when I get certain family members saying that I'm choosing to not go out and that I don't want to socialise which couldn't be further from the truth. Of course I want to go out, attend all family meals or events and socialise but I've realised that you HAVE to put yourself and your health first. I've spent many times sitting in a restaurant putting on a totally different mask and acting fine when in reality I'm sitting there with stomach cramps, my joints are in crippling pain and my eyes are wanting to close from severe fatigue. The smile I put on in those situations is totally fake. How can I smile when I'm in so much pain. Sometimes putting on an mask and a fake smile doesn't  work in my favour! Unfortunately It makes some of my family members think that I am absolutely fine and that I am lying about being ill. It leaves me thinking what is the lesser of two evils? Grinning and bearing the family meal in crippling pain or putting myself first and not going and facing the criticism of some not so understanding family members.

 

The weekend just gone, I planned to go to Battersea Old Windsor Fun day on the Saturday with Beth, my nieces and my brother, we planned this ages ago and we was all looking forward to it. The evening before I got ready to have an early night then all of a sudden my colitis really flared up big time to the point where I was on the toilet from 10pm until 7.40am so I was incredibly exhausted from just running back and forward to the bathroom. At 8am I thought lets get an hours sleep so I can have some energy for the day out but soon as I closed my eyes, my bowel had other ideas meaning I had no other choice than to cancel the plans and stay in bed instead. I was so exhausted and the toilet trips continued till Saturday evening and I was home alone so I felt even worse and more alone. 

Luckily I have my three dogs who drive me mental but they follow me to the toilet, cuddle me on the sofa, always by my side in bed and make me laugh. I am so glad that I live with my Mother, something I thought at 24 years old that I wouldn't say but honestly I couldn't be without her. 

I really hope that my health starts to improve as I hate missing out on all these family events, I will be sure to keep you all update on my health and my story.

until next time

Katie x

My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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Toucan Box!

Hello My Dears,

I wonder how many of you have heard of toucan box? I can honestly say up until a few weeks ago I didn't know what it was, I had heard the name but never really looked into it. Now I wish  I had looked into it sooner but that's where Katie comes in handy. She is always "on it", looking at new things on social media, the internet ect. Yes she was the one that looked into toucan box. Here is me going on and I haven't even explained what it is! Toucan box are a company that sell little activity boxes for children. You subscribe and pay a certain amount and get an activity box filled with everything you need for that activity, no adding to it. In each box you will also get a sticker token which you put on like a little chart poster that is provided and you collect them with the option of "spending" them and getting little prizes for your little one, obviously the more you save the better the prize! Below are some details.

The boxes come in 3 sizes and are 3 different prices.

Petite - £3.95 + £0.98pp and you get this fortnightly so that is £4.93 including Postage every fortnight.

Grande - £9.95 + £2.95pp this Is a monthly box, so in total it is £12.90 a month

Super - £16.95 + £2.95pp this is also a monthly box and in total is £19.95 a month

Katie has bought Ava the petite toucan box and to be honest it says petite but you get a really good fun activity It doesn't seem petite! In my opinion for Avas age (4) petite is just the right size because of her attention span and like I said absolutely everything was included and well worth the £4.93. I can only speak for the petite size obviously but if that is anything to go by then I can only guess that the bigger boxes are good too, though I know they look a bit expensive wrote down on paper. But I want you to remember this is not some rubbish magazine subscription its a proper activity kit for kids. And a plus they send you out a taster box that they will also personalise!

On Sunday I finally got round to making Avas taster box with her, it was an activity to make a parrot puppet thing and an old treasure map.  Everything needed was provided and it was really easy to do Ava had loads of fun and it suited her age range completely. For the treasure map we had to soak a tea bag which was provided in water for ten minuets so we did that and while that was soaking Ava coloured in her parrot with the crayons also provided.

When Ava had coloured the parrot, we got the tea bag and painted the piece of paper (provided) that we had previously scrunched up. Now of course we had to let this dry, so to occupy her time while that was drying Ava completed the parrot by sticking the feathers on It which where again provided. I found that the glue stick didn't really stick them so I had to use cello tape. We then stuck the giant lolly stick on to make it a puppet. The parrot was now finished.

The next step was to take the dry tea stained crumpled paper that by this time was dry, with the stickers provided we made the treasure map by following the how to guide that was included, once this was done Ava had finished her activity and I must say I was a very proud mummy looking at what she had done.

We have now received the next toucan box that we will  be doing very soon  I will be blogging about each one every week to couple of weeks (we are a bit behind). I would say these boxes are very  good especially in the school holidays, it gives them something to do and keeps their minds and their creative side active while they are not at school. I look forward to Avas next toucan box activity!

Thanks for reading

Until next time :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


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Mischevious Moos 3

Hello Lovelies,

It's been a couple weeks since I last posted due to the fact that I have been poorly with a kidney infection :( yes I did feel very sorry for myself. I am pleased to say I am now on the mend and I feel like writing again! What a better way to do this than doing a mischievous moos post, I wanna give you all a good giggle and get back posting on a funny note.


Now last week I was down to one child as my lovely mother in law and sister in law so kindly had Ava for me. You would think one child would be half the trouble! WRONG. I'm not going to say that she kept getting up to stuff because she didn't, so I was lucky in that respect but what she did do was big. The most mischievous thing my Bella has ever done. I will start with some of the smaller things she got up too, the more common things that probably many other children do difference is I'm letting you all know that your not alone having mischievous children is quite common. 


I haven't posted in a couple of weeks so at least one thing occurred when Ava was here. First we had the salt saga as I like to call it, this is a reoccurring issue. We have a dining table but every now and then me and Tom sometimes eat when the girls are in bed and when we feel lazy we will eat at the coffee table, don't judge. We will take the salt with us, what can I say? we like our food seasoned. Being the forgetful people we are we tend sometimes to forget to  put the salt back on the dining table, even though we have cleaned up everything else, strange eh. This of course means that the salt pot is there in the morning, and its easy for little hands to reach and unfortunately if these little hands reach it before I do then BOOM we have a salt explosion all over the table and if that's not enough little fingers may decide to dip into it and lick it off her fingers, GROSS. Now of course I come straight in and remove my children clear it up and put the salt pot back, that should go without saying I'm not going to let them lick salt all day, I don't even  let them have it on their dinner, that should go without saying too, I mean who does! I'll leave that one there as I seem to be rambling.

 

 

 Now as you maybe aware Bella does more than Ava but before I carry on with Bella's antics I'll tell you about one of Avas! This occurred while I was ill and my mother in law came round to babysit not only the girls but me too ha ha. My lovely Shellbell as we like to call her bought me and the girls some lunch Ava decided she wanted some fruit and yoghurt this pleased me as getting healthy things down her could be a struggle at times. However Ava had her own ideas of what she wanted to do with her fruit and Yoghurt and eating it wasn't on of them. Ava is a big fan of cookery shows, Jamie Oliver being her favourite this is what Ava was going to copy, using her fruit and yoghurt of course. Using these  two ingredients she copied the programmes down  to a t. Mixing, talking us though what she was doing, putting into the oven (pretend of course), revealing the finished article and of course making a lovely mess!

 

 



 

 

Back to Bella now! These next two are personal favourites of hers too one being more reoccurring than the other. Bella has a thing for tissue boxes when she sees one it is like she is being drawn to it like a magnetic force. Of course she don't just sit there and look at it thinking how lovely these box of tissues are, Bella being Bella decides to pull them all out the box until I am left with none. By the time she has finished she is sitting there in a cloud of tissues looking rather pleased with herself, this is the reoccurring one, well not any more I have put them higher up in my bedroom! This second one is something I am sure she would do again if she could but she cant as I now have those lock things on my cupboards, yes it is to do with food! She loves playing with spaghetti and one time decided she would pull it out the cupboard and decorate my kitchen floor with it, I did find it funny but it was a buggar to clear up! I don't know if any of my lovely readers have cleared up a lot of raw spaghetti but if you haven't you don't wanna, infact I believe I found it too hard and got Katie too do it ha ha.

 

 

 

 

 

Now we have reached our finale, I have no photo evidence of this because I just couldn't in my panic. The story goes like this...

 

Me and Bella were home alone and I was doing my usual tidy up of the flat. In my tidy up  I sprayed the kitchen sides with bleach kitchen spray but one of Bellas bottles were there and I didn't want it getting sprayed so I briefly moved it on top of my oven (its electric) and then  wiped the sides down. At this point Bella was pottering around doing her thing and I thought it would be a good idea for me and Bella to have a shower and get dressed so in there I took her and we had a nice shower and had a laugh splashing water at each other. When I got me and Bella out the shower I picked up Bellas nappy I had taken off her and put it in the bin but as I got to the kitchen  I was in for a shock. The room was all smoky as I glanced at the oven all I could see was a puddle of melted plastic and a bottle teat sitting on top of it.  In my panic my towel dropped too the floor and there I am butt naked, blinds open opening the windows grabbing the teat off the oven and getting as much plastic as I could off the oven. Don't worry guys Bella was fine! While I was a stupid naked mess, Bella was going down the basket of clean underwear and running around with a pair of Avas knickers on her head. Luckily no one was hurt and I caught it but I think you can understand why I never took a pic! haha.

 

I would love to know what things your little ones get up too!

 

Mine maybe little moos but I wouldn't have them any other way, apart from nearly burning the flat down they keep  me very entertained!

 

I Look forward too filling you in next week!

 

Sorry it was a long one guys but thanks for reading :)

 

Until Next time...

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

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My Mind And Me - Who's Me?

Who's Me ?

New place, new surroundings and new people it was all new, That obviously didn't change when it come to my health visitor. She had arranged to come round to my mine to get to know me and the children  and get together some background information. Sounded great to me as I was dreading walking into a completely new clinic where I didn't know a soul. On the day I tidied around and made the flat look as presentable as I could. My nerves where playing up big time, I was and still am surprised I didn't have a panic attack. When she arrived she seemed friendly and I instantly calmed down a lot and thought to myself ' I had nothing to worry about '. She soon went on her way after arranging her next visit.

I was buzzing for the next visit I wasn't nervous I was calm and collected. I assumed the she was going to  be the same I mean why wouldn't she? But when she arrived she acted totally different, sure she kept up her friendliness, she has to she's a health visitor  but she was so pushy and insistent, I felt my nerves coming back and I was getting anxious for her to leave, I couldn't wait for the visit to be over. It was when she made me do a depression score sheet that she was really rubbing salt into the wound, I had known her five minuets I didn't want her judging me, which is what she did. Straight after she looked at it she shoved about 101 leaflets in my lap, I mean come on that's the last thing I needed she then said I should go counselling and out came the golden  line, I could put you through the mental health team. WHAT?!? I know depression comes under that but why when I can just go to counselling would you then threaten me with that aswell, I hated them two words. Made me sound crazy and it wasn't like she polite about it either. Not only that she was pushing and pushing me to get Ava started in another nursery, as if its just as easy as that. She has just found out im a bit depressed and instead of respected my decisions she wants to push and push me into stuff. Grr. When she left I wanted to dance around the flat because I was so happy, happy at the fact she had pissed off, not happy at what she had said or the way her attitude was.

For the next few days what she said was whirling around In my head, I felt as if I was mental, with that I felt as though I didn't know myself anymore and I also wondered if I was coming across mental. I know I may have exaggerated my reaction slightly but to me it really did effect me like that, I don't know why. It got me so down. I was asking all members of my family if they thought I was mental how I come across and all sorts infact I was that annoying they probably wanted to boot me out the door. I don't think I had ever felt that disconnected from myself as I did in that week or so after she had been. The best way I can describe it is I felt like my head was split in half one side was the normal me and the other side the depressed me, I felt like both sided had separated themselves from each other. The normal side of my brain looking at the other side saying who the hell are you and the depressed side being quiet and not knowing how to answer. I was torn. Leading me not to know what to think about myself. Yes the old me was still inside somewhere but there was this massive part of me that was depressed and it was taking over me slowly, this to me alien side of me was becoming more prominent.

It did start getting too much for me and it left me saying to myself I HAVE to do something about this. If I don't then I'm going to end up too consumed by depression. My first step was getting to know it, get to know my depression, How did I do that? I sorted out the 8 week course of counselling, done by talking therapies. I knew then that once I had got to know my depression and become friends with it then I can finally figure out why it is there, that's the next step. Finding out why it was there wasn't just a why it was also to understand it because if I understood my depression then I would finally understand myself. Then step three, giving it the boot or more like supressing it because we all know you can give depression the boot but it will always come back for a visit every now and then no matter how long its been a way.

Next week I will be talking a bout step one in the journey to tackle my depression

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Review - Sudocrem Care and Protect

Hey Guys,

I hope everyone is having a fab weekend so far, and how lovely of you to take time out to read our blog! What brings me here today you wonder, well as you could possibly tell from the title, a lovely little review brings me here today, so I guess you weren't actually wondering that ha ha.

Just over a week ago I was sent a sample cream by a lovely lady. The cream in question being a nappy rash cream, Care and Protect by Sudocrem! Sudocrem eh a favourite for everyone parent or not, there is always a tub in the medical cupboard more often than not. For this reason I was happy to give this new cream a go! Now as someone who doesn't always read the ins and out of packaging the name care and protect tells me that it cares for the nappy rash and the protects against it afterwards, keep on reading to see if it has done the job!

Now I am going to turn into a cream nerd and get more into detail about what this product offers, its an important part of reviewing and saves you all time in reading labels should you decide to invest! This ointment, claims to be a triple care ointment, which to be fair is pretty good because usually they only ever double protection, well unless its toothpaste, so as soon as you see triple you start getting wooed. These three things are a protective barrier - that will protect against irritation and rubbing, conditions skin - it has in it vitamin E and vitamin B5 and last but not least guards against infection - the protective layer it will form will prevent infection.

Okay so before using the ointment I was impressed, I love the tube, I sound sad but come on if a products packaging is attractive then your going to want to buy it, us humans like things that appeal to our eyes. But you know it isn't just the way it looks, the tube has a nice smooth feel to it, its just different. Its soft, soft like a babies bum and its for a babies bum so I guess that's why they did it like that ha ha. Another appealing thing about the packaging (yes I'm still going on about packaging but this is my last point about it I swear) as you can see by the picture it has an indent for a thumb..or finger, this is so it is easy for one hand opening which as you may know is good when your changing a fidgety baby, trying to keep them still or holding their legs up with one hand and this cool idea does work!

Lets get down to the nitty gritty, the bit you all want to know, does it actually work? When I got this ointment through Bella actually had nappy rash, I know timing eh, I used it straight away I used one application in the evening the day I got it and then two the next day and by the third application the rash was fully gone, so you can say after two applications her nappy rash cleared up, you wouldn't have thought she had even had a rash. I was very  impressed, I was sceptical about the ointment, mainly because others haven't been that impressive, I thought this one would go down the same road I thought it would take a bout a week to clear but it didn't even take a day. I usually use metanium for nappy rash, you know the yellow one, its messy its yellow and the tube usually pierces holes  in it but up until now it done the job the best. This ointment though, leaves no mess, its not greasy it don't keep coming out the tube after you've used it like the damn metanium, its the best I've had for application and tidiness. So the nappy rash had cleared, but my testing didn't stop there I wanted to test what it said on the packaging you know about the who triple thing so I carried on using, and using, and did our friend the nappy rash reappear, no which was great. That wasn't good enough for me I wanted to see if it was the cream doing its job or Bella just fighting it off herself, so for a day just a day I stopped using it. To my surprise my little love started developing a rash again, I reapplied the cream and after a couple applications it was gone. I am impressed. Now the conditions skin side of it I don't know how you would notice as a babies skin is naturally soft and conditioned looking, but given  the rest of what it says is true I take Sudocrems word for it.

Now I didn't buy the cream myself so I have had to do research on the retail price and I have found the price varies between £4 and £6, you can buy from Asda where its £4 for 30g tube, Tesco where it is £5.50 for a 40g tube and Boots where it is £5.99 for a 50g tube. To be honest I would go for the 50g tube at £5.99, only the best for my little one, I want a nappy cream that I can trust, does the job it says and not only treats it when it is there but protects against it, and if it does all that which it does then I do not mind paying the price at all. The metanium has now gone in the bin and I will be buying myself another tube of this care and protect when this one runs out. I really wanted to weigh this review up and throw a few negatives in there, but I just couldn't find any. I encourage other mums out there to invest in this product, it is worth it I promise, at the moment its th ebest nappy cream on the market.

Below are a list of prices and tube sizes from other retailers you can purchase from.

Superdrug - 30g £3.95 100g £9.99
Morrisons - 30g £4.00 on offer at the moment for £2.97 
Sainsburys- 30g £4.00
Waitrose- 30g £4.00 100g £9.99

Thank you for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

My Mind And Me - Challenging Changes

Challenging Changes

I felt like I had a block of gold in my hand, I treasured those tablets, sitting in the car on the way back home from collecting them I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Sure I sound mad, sure  I sound stupid but these little white pellets where going to free me of my mind, whatever was going to make me feel like 'me' again was treasure. I spent hours reading the information leaflet, you know the ones you get in the tablet packs, you would have thought I was studying for some sort of exam, ridiculous but I wanted to get clued up, these tablets where my foreseeable future I needed to know what I was letting into my life.

I knew it was important that I took the pills regularly, with anti d's its best to take them same time everyday, to get the best effects apparently, and I did, for the first few days. I was like a child with a new toy. I would sit clock watching every morning until it was time to ingest. Once I had took my tiny little friend I felt ready to get on with my day, but after a week and a bit things started to slide. I would forget. I know it sounds weird but I would completely forget they even existed. Your meant to take them for about a month before you see any changes and of course I had slipped a bit so the changes would never come, if I didn't push myself back into gear and get into the swing of things again. I tried you know I really did, I wanted to help myself.

I think I was taking them for a few weeks when we got the news. We had a place. I was moving. Moving to Berkshire, god knows how many miles away from Essex. I tell you what I had a smile from ear to ear for a week, I say a week because that's how long I had to prepare myself, within a week of finding out we were on our way to Woodley, dad driving a big white van filled with my life possessions and my new life chapter to begin. That was something to make me smile for  abit, this piece of news did a better job at cheering me up than these bloody anti depressants did I can tell you that! You got that right, they made me feel NO better. So what's the point I thought to myself , why am I taking these sodding things when  they make me feel no better! I pushed them into the back of the cupboard, and soon forgot they existed again. I tried to settle into family life.  

It wasn't long before the high turned into a down. Gosh I had so much responsibility, I felt in so deep. The whole management of our home relied on me, with out me no washing could get done, no housework, no dinners ect and I know this sounds stupid to some people but It was the first time I had to do all this and I got so overwhelmed. the washing took a back burner and so did the unpacking, I just  wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. So I did. I plonked my bum on the same seat every day watched the same stuff on telly and watched the girls play. I got bad again. I didn't want to leave the house and I felt alone. I had no idea what this area was like it was so daunting. I wasn't used to being on my own with out and adult company, I love my girls and would give anything for them, but I just weren't used to only having children to talk to everyday. Part of me thought I was going to go insane (one a bad day) and the other part would muck around with them so much I looked insane (on a good day). I would look at the clock for Tom to come home. It would excite me a lot, is that even normal?  I remember there being days he would tell me he was going to be late, and again I would get angry but saddened more, I just wanted someone to talk to, to engage with so I looked forward to him coming home, when he was delayed I would be gutted. All this was to do with change, that's why I was being effected. I've never dealt with change well, even little things like the tablets would effect me, and why did something silly like that effect me? Well the change was going to be my who attitude my whole thinking, I know I hated the snappy angry me, but that me felt safe and secure those feeling were familiar and I knew I had my guard up, start changing me I'd become more vulnerable, my guard would slip down. Anyway if that's how something little changing would effect me then this big move was bound to have an impact.


 I would find myself staring blankly out the window trying to accept the place I and found myself living, but I couldn't see clearly, my mind was jumbled and I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't unscramble my thoughts and feelings. I just didn't know what was  up, but what I did know was an old friend had come too see me. An old friend that once in doesn't leave, not without force. That little friend goes by the name of depression. Old habits reoccurred, me and Tom started arguing and I got massively snappy. For god sake I just wanted to be myself again why had I come crashing back down again. The answer was in the back of my cupboard, and at an appointment with my new GP he explained, they hadn't worked because I needed a higher dose, he promised to keep and eye and I could see him as regular as I want. He gave me a higher dose and booked me an appointment to see him in a month to see how they were working, something my old GP failed to do. I was set, I remember feeling hope again, lets see how these ones do.


Look out for My Mind And Me next week :)

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


 

Review: Organic Surge Cleansing Lotion

Organic Surge Gentle Cleansing Lotion

Lets be honest there are many beauty things us girls use more than we have hot dinners. With a lot of beauty things on the market we like to try and test as many as we can to see what works best for us, god forbid we leave anything on the market untouched. Getting the better make up is so important as you don't want make up that is going to irritate your skin but what is more important than that? The cleanser you use to take your make up off with.

I have tried a fair few cleansers, some have been on offer, some have be bought for me or given to me so I have got around a bit in the cleanser world. I've tried some pretty up there brands and some own brands and they have all just been a cleanser, none better than the others and nothing worth reviewing or writing about on here either. It was a few weeks ago now Katie was on her usual trip to TK Maxx when as she does she bought a random  buy, god I love her and her random buys. This random buy happened to be a cleanser. She brought this cleanser round to mind for me to try too, I used it with no great hope I tell you that. I was ready to throw it on the scrap heap of pretty standard cleansers.

So here I am with another cleanser in front of me and I thought what have I got to loose. Nothing, I put it on I rubbed everywhere including my eyes!(though advised not too have direct contact with eyes but I have eye make up and lots of it obvs my eyes are shut so its not direct contact.) I got ready for the 20 second sting you usually get, I was waiting and waiting and waiting and I waited some more but nothing, it didn't come. Well at this point I think that's awesome it can go on my eyes no problem, but I thought can it be working, I used to think with that little sting I know its working. So as I'm washing the cleanser off I'm thinking it has probably not done an awful lot. WRONG. I look in the mirror and no make up left. Not only that my skin felt soft and moisturised, it didn't feel  pulled apart , if that even  makes sense. It didn't feel like I had used a product. This cleanser had been kind to my skin. I didn't need a second cleanse but personally I just feel like I have too. Its nothing to do with the product its just my personal preference. Katie left it here by accident too so now I've got to use it everyday and Katie has bought herself  new one. I have never been a fan of the natural stuff before never thought it would work but boy have I just been proved wrong BIG STYLE! I have deffo found the cleanser for me.

I would recommend to anyone to use this cleanser whether your a regular cleanser user or a cleanser virgin. It retails at abut £7.50 on the organic surge website, prices  may vary elsewhere. I would say for deffo its worth the money. That's pretty good for a good cleanser! You get what you pay for, your face is not left like you have just had a chemical peel, its left moisturised and soft. This product does not lie to you it does as it says, its gentle and it is cleansing at the same time. As far as cleansers go this is the best your going to get. TRUST Me. Thank you Katie!


Thanks for reading :)

Until Next Time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx