Feeling alone By Katie

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling alone

 

 

At the weekend my health messed up a family fun day Saturday which made me rather sad and couldn't help but feel alone! 

When you have chronic illness you feel so alone. When I say alone I mean because I have no one in my family that suffers with a chronic illness similar to mine so it's genuinely hard to talk out loud about my health as they do not understand. Alone because most family birthdays meals I cannot attend because I'm either in a bad flare or can't eat anything on the menu so I'm left at home alone and I end up feeling so isolated. The one thing that really upsets me about missing family occasions is when I get certain family members saying that I'm choosing to not go out and that I don't want to socialise which couldn't be further from the truth. Of course I want to go out, attend all family meals or events and socialise but I've realised that you HAVE to put yourself and your health first. I've spent many times sitting in a restaurant putting on a totally different mask and acting fine when in reality I'm sitting there with stomach cramps, my joints are in crippling pain and my eyes are wanting to close from severe fatigue. The smile I put on in those situations is totally fake. How can I smile when I'm in so much pain. Sometimes putting on an mask and a fake smile doesn't  work in my favour! Unfortunately It makes some of my family members think that I am absolutely fine and that I am lying about being ill. It leaves me thinking what is the lesser of two evils? Grinning and bearing the family meal in crippling pain or putting myself first and not going and facing the criticism of some not so understanding family members.

 

The weekend just gone, I planned to go to Battersea Old Windsor Fun day on the Saturday with Beth, my nieces and my brother, we planned this ages ago and we was all looking forward to it. The evening before I got ready to have an early night then all of a sudden my colitis really flared up big time to the point where I was on the toilet from 10pm until 7.40am so I was incredibly exhausted from just running back and forward to the bathroom. At 8am I thought lets get an hours sleep so I can have some energy for the day out but soon as I closed my eyes, my bowel had other ideas meaning I had no other choice than to cancel the plans and stay in bed instead. I was so exhausted and the toilet trips continued till Saturday evening and I was home alone so I felt even worse and more alone. 

Luckily I have my three dogs who drive me mental but they follow me to the toilet, cuddle me on the sofa, always by my side in bed and make me laugh. I am so glad that I live with my Mother, something I thought at 24 years old that I wouldn't say but honestly I couldn't be without her. 

I really hope that my health starts to improve as I hate missing out on all these family events, I will be sure to keep you all update on my health and my story.

until next time

Katie x

My Mind And Me - the beginning of my story

The Beginning of my story

 

I suppose at first I was in denial. To be honest it didn't feel like denial, more like the unknown with an inkling I didn't want to admit. Strange that probably don't make any sense, but to me it makes perfect sense. It felt like normal behaviour at first. I was only responding to others actions. I couldn't help my reactions, if people didn't  like the way I reacted then they shouldn't have acted the way the did towards me. who can blame a girl for sticking up for herself? That little voice in my head was very convincing, and I liked that voice, it was the only one who made sense to me, It was the only one who was on 'my side'. No one else was, don't be silly I knew, I knew that everyone else was against me. Well that's the story I created in my head anyway. I would say I was in denial about that. I lost count on how many times people would say to me I just 'think' people are against me. But as usual I would hit out and say no I know they are. That was just what they said to make me think they weren't. I was doomed to fight all my battles alone, it was me against everyone else, no one there to back me up to fight my corner. Just me. Though I didn't understand it. Why did no one back me up? Why were they all against me? What have I done so wrong? But what I did know was I was right. I was sure of it.

My mind was awful, playing tricks on me I believed. You know I would wake up one day and my mind wasn't one I had known. It was alien to me. That one voice I had always relied on was telling me different. It was telling me I was wrong. What on earth? now my own mind was turning on me? But this voice was also the only one that could convince me. I would actually be happier them days. I would feel calm and normal again. Thank goodness no one was picking arguments with me. They had taken a day off. I believed this. I had convinced myself of it. It weren't that I was wrong, it was that everyone else had simply taken a day off and with that it was easier. I suppose that was then the denial started. 

 

Other days my mind was back to 'normal'. Or everyone was against me again. They didn't rest  for long. This was really starting to wear me down. I would sit alone and cry. The bathroom was a good place for that and feeling sorry for myself became a comfort. I would wrap my arms around myself to hug myself. Well someone had to. I was alone remember? These days happened quite often, I could have filled and Olympic sized swimming pool with the tears that I shed on that bathroom floor. Why the bathroom your probably thinking, well that was the only place that felt peaceful. It helped me think and gather my thoughts. When I would come out you would think I was fine. I would smile and get on with it. Well you have to don't you? Plus there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone is entitled to a little cry right? Mine just happened more often.

 

 

Look out for My Mind and Me part 2 Next Week.

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx