The Beginning of my story
I suppose at first I was in denial. To be honest it didn't feel like denial, more like the unknown with an inkling I didn't want to admit. Strange that probably don't make any sense, but to me it makes perfect sense. It felt like normal behaviour at first. I was only responding to others actions. I couldn't help my reactions, if people didn't like the way I reacted then they shouldn't have acted the way the did towards me. who can blame a girl for sticking up for herself? That little voice in my head was very convincing, and I liked that voice, it was the only one who made sense to me, It was the only one who was on 'my side'. No one else was, don't be silly I knew, I knew that everyone else was against me. Well that's the story I created in my head anyway. I would say I was in denial about that. I lost count on how many times people would say to me I just 'think' people are against me. But as usual I would hit out and say no I know they are. That was just what they said to make me think they weren't. I was doomed to fight all my battles alone, it was me against everyone else, no one there to back me up to fight my corner. Just me. Though I didn't understand it. Why did no one back me up? Why were they all against me? What have I done so wrong? But what I did know was I was right. I was sure of it.
My mind was awful, playing tricks on me I believed. You know I would wake up one day and my mind wasn't one I had known. It was alien to me. That one voice I had always relied on was telling me different. It was telling me I was wrong. What on earth? now my own mind was turning on me? But this voice was also the only one that could convince me. I would actually be happier them days. I would feel calm and normal again. Thank goodness no one was picking arguments with me. They had taken a day off. I believed this. I had convinced myself of it. It weren't that I was wrong, it was that everyone else had simply taken a day off and with that it was easier. I suppose that was then the denial started.
Other days my mind was back to 'normal'. Or everyone was against me again. They didn't rest for long. This was really starting to wear me down. I would sit alone and cry. The bathroom was a good place for that and feeling sorry for myself became a comfort. I would wrap my arms around myself to hug myself. Well someone had to. I was alone remember? These days happened quite often, I could have filled and Olympic sized swimming pool with the tears that I shed on that bathroom floor. Why the bathroom your probably thinking, well that was the only place that felt peaceful. It helped me think and gather my thoughts. When I would come out you would think I was fine. I would smile and get on with it. Well you have to don't you? Plus there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone is entitled to a little cry right? Mine just happened more often.
Look out for My Mind and Me part 2 Next Week.
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
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