My Mind And Me - Challenging Changes

Challenging Changes

I felt like I had a block of gold in my hand, I treasured those tablets, sitting in the car on the way back home from collecting them I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Sure I sound mad, sure  I sound stupid but these little white pellets where going to free me of my mind, whatever was going to make me feel like 'me' again was treasure. I spent hours reading the information leaflet, you know the ones you get in the tablet packs, you would have thought I was studying for some sort of exam, ridiculous but I wanted to get clued up, these tablets where my foreseeable future I needed to know what I was letting into my life.

I knew it was important that I took the pills regularly, with anti d's its best to take them same time everyday, to get the best effects apparently, and I did, for the first few days. I was like a child with a new toy. I would sit clock watching every morning until it was time to ingest. Once I had took my tiny little friend I felt ready to get on with my day, but after a week and a bit things started to slide. I would forget. I know it sounds weird but I would completely forget they even existed. Your meant to take them for about a month before you see any changes and of course I had slipped a bit so the changes would never come, if I didn't push myself back into gear and get into the swing of things again. I tried you know I really did, I wanted to help myself.

I think I was taking them for a few weeks when we got the news. We had a place. I was moving. Moving to Berkshire, god knows how many miles away from Essex. I tell you what I had a smile from ear to ear for a week, I say a week because that's how long I had to prepare myself, within a week of finding out we were on our way to Woodley, dad driving a big white van filled with my life possessions and my new life chapter to begin. That was something to make me smile for  abit, this piece of news did a better job at cheering me up than these bloody anti depressants did I can tell you that! You got that right, they made me feel NO better. So what's the point I thought to myself , why am I taking these sodding things when  they make me feel no better! I pushed them into the back of the cupboard, and soon forgot they existed again. I tried to settle into family life.  

It wasn't long before the high turned into a down. Gosh I had so much responsibility, I felt in so deep. The whole management of our home relied on me, with out me no washing could get done, no housework, no dinners ect and I know this sounds stupid to some people but It was the first time I had to do all this and I got so overwhelmed. the washing took a back burner and so did the unpacking, I just  wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. So I did. I plonked my bum on the same seat every day watched the same stuff on telly and watched the girls play. I got bad again. I didn't want to leave the house and I felt alone. I had no idea what this area was like it was so daunting. I wasn't used to being on my own with out and adult company, I love my girls and would give anything for them, but I just weren't used to only having children to talk to everyday. Part of me thought I was going to go insane (one a bad day) and the other part would muck around with them so much I looked insane (on a good day). I would look at the clock for Tom to come home. It would excite me a lot, is that even normal?  I remember there being days he would tell me he was going to be late, and again I would get angry but saddened more, I just wanted someone to talk to, to engage with so I looked forward to him coming home, when he was delayed I would be gutted. All this was to do with change, that's why I was being effected. I've never dealt with change well, even little things like the tablets would effect me, and why did something silly like that effect me? Well the change was going to be my who attitude my whole thinking, I know I hated the snappy angry me, but that me felt safe and secure those feeling were familiar and I knew I had my guard up, start changing me I'd become more vulnerable, my guard would slip down. Anyway if that's how something little changing would effect me then this big move was bound to have an impact.


 I would find myself staring blankly out the window trying to accept the place I and found myself living, but I couldn't see clearly, my mind was jumbled and I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't unscramble my thoughts and feelings. I just didn't know what was  up, but what I did know was an old friend had come too see me. An old friend that once in doesn't leave, not without force. That little friend goes by the name of depression. Old habits reoccurred, me and Tom started arguing and I got massively snappy. For god sake I just wanted to be myself again why had I come crashing back down again. The answer was in the back of my cupboard, and at an appointment with my new GP he explained, they hadn't worked because I needed a higher dose, he promised to keep and eye and I could see him as regular as I want. He gave me a higher dose and booked me an appointment to see him in a month to see how they were working, something my old GP failed to do. I was set, I remember feeling hope again, lets see how these ones do.


Look out for My Mind And Me next week :)

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


 

Review: Organic Surge Cleansing Lotion

Organic Surge Gentle Cleansing Lotion

Lets be honest there are many beauty things us girls use more than we have hot dinners. With a lot of beauty things on the market we like to try and test as many as we can to see what works best for us, god forbid we leave anything on the market untouched. Getting the better make up is so important as you don't want make up that is going to irritate your skin but what is more important than that? The cleanser you use to take your make up off with.

I have tried a fair few cleansers, some have been on offer, some have be bought for me or given to me so I have got around a bit in the cleanser world. I've tried some pretty up there brands and some own brands and they have all just been a cleanser, none better than the others and nothing worth reviewing or writing about on here either. It was a few weeks ago now Katie was on her usual trip to TK Maxx when as she does she bought a random  buy, god I love her and her random buys. This random buy happened to be a cleanser. She brought this cleanser round to mind for me to try too, I used it with no great hope I tell you that. I was ready to throw it on the scrap heap of pretty standard cleansers.

So here I am with another cleanser in front of me and I thought what have I got to loose. Nothing, I put it on I rubbed everywhere including my eyes!(though advised not too have direct contact with eyes but I have eye make up and lots of it obvs my eyes are shut so its not direct contact.) I got ready for the 20 second sting you usually get, I was waiting and waiting and waiting and I waited some more but nothing, it didn't come. Well at this point I think that's awesome it can go on my eyes no problem, but I thought can it be working, I used to think with that little sting I know its working. So as I'm washing the cleanser off I'm thinking it has probably not done an awful lot. WRONG. I look in the mirror and no make up left. Not only that my skin felt soft and moisturised, it didn't feel  pulled apart , if that even  makes sense. It didn't feel like I had used a product. This cleanser had been kind to my skin. I didn't need a second cleanse but personally I just feel like I have too. Its nothing to do with the product its just my personal preference. Katie left it here by accident too so now I've got to use it everyday and Katie has bought herself  new one. I have never been a fan of the natural stuff before never thought it would work but boy have I just been proved wrong BIG STYLE! I have deffo found the cleanser for me.

I would recommend to anyone to use this cleanser whether your a regular cleanser user or a cleanser virgin. It retails at abut £7.50 on the organic surge website, prices  may vary elsewhere. I would say for deffo its worth the money. That's pretty good for a good cleanser! You get what you pay for, your face is not left like you have just had a chemical peel, its left moisturised and soft. This product does not lie to you it does as it says, its gentle and it is cleansing at the same time. As far as cleansers go this is the best your going to get. TRUST Me. Thank you Katie!


Thanks for reading :)

Until Next Time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Mischevious Moos - 2

So here we are a week after my first mischievous moos post and its time I write another and inform you all of the antics my little monkeys have got up to this week.

Bella is still creating mayhem with her climbing! She has now learnt how to climb over the back of the sofa, now if you see how tiny she is for 18 months , she's in 9-12 and no where near growing out of them I mean at a push she still can get into 6-9, you would see how difficult it must be for and how much upper body strength she must need! she is like a baby Spiderman. That's not all the climbing she's been doing! She has somehow managed to climb into NOT out of her cot. I was on the sofa when she toddled off, I called her and she didn't come (she usually does) when I went to look I found her sitting in her cot! I got he r out and she showed me how she had done it! She has a bouncy zebra she climbs on and then flips over into her cot. I'm so worried she's going to break her neck! You would think the climbing antics would end there, oh no! Bella likes putting her hand under running water when I am brushing my teeth, this morning she used Ava's chair to climb up, she climbed on the chair then on the back rest of the chair and jumped onto the sink she was  hanging on to the sink and towel rail! I nearly had a heart attack, lucky I was there. She has no fear though, she is a mini Spiderman or Spiderwoman should I say.

Then there is Ava she's growing up by the day! I swear she is 4 going on 14. She now does all our cereal in the morning, she gets the boxes out undoes them undoes the  packet, pours it in and the milk ect , puts it all back without spilling a drop! Matilda springs to mind she will be making pancakes next haha! The clever little moo now also knows how to work the PlayStation, she watches all her programmes on it! all I need to do is turn it off and on. You know what is awkward, when you go to get the wipes and there is none there. you search top to bottom then where do you find it? In Ava's toy buggy! kids eh haha.

 

 

That's all for this week guys! But I am sure there will be plenty to tell you of next week! Hope you enjoyed!!

 

Until Next Time

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

 

Random Rant

 

My List Of Things That P Me Off

There  are many things that p me off! I thought I may write a blog post  about it let you all know, some of these things may p you off too!

One Rule

I hate it when people have one rule for themselves and another for you! Its okay for you to do something but when it comes to them its another story!! Like get off your high fucking horse and come down to earth, you are no better than me your on the same level, now act like it!

There way or no way

I HATE when people think the world revolves around them and if things don't go their way they kick off! I hate having to work my life around every other buggar, people who don't care about you and just want it their way! Well news for you I'm  human being too! I have feelings I have a life! Mine is as important as yours!

Tablets

Have you took your tablets? Yes I bloody have! Just because I have depression it doesn't mean every time I get the ump  and kick off and rant that I haven't took my sodding pills, not everything is depression related! believe it or not I do get p'd off for genuine reasons, I am not insane! I'm a human being with emotions!

Judgemental Strangers

Yeah my baby is crying? So what? Have you never seen a baby cry before  or are you that  uneducated that you don't know that babies cry sometimes? Bloody staring at me like I'm the boogie monster scaring my child. If you go as far as tutting or saying something be prepared for me to turn into the hulk you judgemental arsholes, you will get your head bitten off. My children are loved cared for and happy, just because they cry because they couldn't have a packet of skittles or because they are over tired, does not mean I am a terrible parent! So do me a favour next time, offer a hand, a nice comment or if not sod off and carry on walking!

Weight Jokes

Think your funny? Joking about my weight. Yeah its funny to you but to me it hits me where it hurts. Weight is NOT something you make jokes about to girls, its a sensitive subject. Word of advice stick to banter you know, don't branch out and make a massive change like Roy Hodgson did last night in our final group game of Euro 2016, because it wont work!

Copying

You have your life? Yes. I have my life? Yes. Do you want my life? Obviously. It winds me up something rotten  when someone copies me! Like wtf are you not happy with yourself if that's the case go see a councillor or something don't mimic me. And btw if you do make it so bloody obvious! at least be discreet.

Loan Adverts

I know this one sounds pathetic, but it really gets to me. Everyone wonders why so many people are in debt, well I'm not being funny but whose not going to take it when  its waved under your nose when corrie goes for a break or when your scrolling down Facebook. Like come on people help the nation out, make it discreet pull your advertising back and make sure not as many people fall into the debt trap. Your causing more problems thank you think1 Not just financially but mentally too, debt leads too depression, a hole that very hard to get out of. Have a heart and advertise discreetly else where.

SALE

So when out or online we always look for the red SALE sign, I guess like me you cant hold in your excitement thinking your going to find some proper bargains! Its when you get there and there is like £2 off. Really? are you fucking with me? How on earth do they have the cheek to put a SALE sign up. It p's me off mainly because of the deflation I feel afterwards.

So there you have it 8 things that p me off, trust me there is a lot more but the list would be too long! lets stop it while its short. I do apologise for the swearing I am on a rant and venting a bit. I also think its good if its the real me on here you are reading.

Until  Next Time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Katies Come back ....Sort of

Oh god!! I have no idea where to even start!! I haven't written a blog post since late last year due to health problems and I have totally lost the blogging vibe.

I used to love sitting down either on the sofa or in bed writing about my health and lifestyle which also helped with my Depression and Anxiety because just to write and express what is on your mind feels so bloody good. So when I had to stop blogging it wasn't a nice feeling. I didn't bother on our Instagram or twitter, I just abandoned the blog and the whole social media side of things. At the time Beth was moving down nearer to me so I was just happy at the fact that I am able to see my Nieces whenever. Then there is the illnesses!! 

As you all know I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Ulcerative Colitis which I have done many, many posts about and looking back I was somehow "managing" with my symptoms and side effects from medication. With the help of mediation and LOTS OF PAINRELIEF and hot water bottles, I could sit down and happily open the laptop but now things are abit different to say the least.

Since late last year, I have NOT been "managing" and life has became very different. If I could only use one word to describe it would be "Exhaustion". Exhaustion from every little task I do, Exhaustion from stupid simple things such as shower, wash my hair and even washing my face and also from taking the stupid amount of medication I have to take and just Exhaustion of being awake. End of last year I started getting pain in my thighs then my hips then my hands and now my knees. My mobility is poor and there are times where getting out of bed is impossible. Well I say "times" but I mean mostly every day. I struggle to sleep, I get numbness and tingling in most joints, my thighs feel swollen and throb with pain and now my knees which is the newest of symptoms. I wake up and from head to toe I am stiff. Having to rely on Morphine based patches to basically live is so depressing and yet I STILL get pathetic comments from certain people. I have had physio which made zero difference I mean  does it ever work? Especially with such conditions as I have, its going to take more than a few leg stretches to cure. So now I await to hear from various of specialist. The main condition this is all being linked to which I am being tested for is Fibromyalgia. Of course I have done lots of googling (who doesn't) and have read up on this condition among other conditions. From reading I have learnt that is it hard to actually be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and have had few people tell me they was being tested for a year just to get the diagnoses so that bit scares me. I don't want it being dragged out that long, I just want to get sorted and start feeling better, I'm so exhausted from medical tests and hospitals.  

There is so much I want to write about but I can't get most out. That is down to Brain Fog, I will at some point do a post about this as it is totally life changing. My mind is mushed! and also down to the silly side effects of my medication. I will get Beth to proof read this because I struggle to make sense sometimes. I have given Bethany my laptop as it was no use to me anymore so at least she is getting use out of it but I plan to write posts on my iPhone on the blogger app or on my notes and then sending them to Beth as she is a lot more clever than me and will pick out all the spelling mistakes and the sentences that don't make any sense haha. Bethany sort of runs the blog by herself for the moment and also she runs the twitter, I run the Instagram for the blog as it still gives me a little input into the blog without it effecting my health. I have set up an new Twitter for myself so follow it if you want to hear me moaning about life or hospitals haha my twitter is @KatieAmyPricex but you can still reach me on the blog Twitter @Essextowindsor were I pop up from time to time, and Beth lets me know when there are messages for me.

I have enjoyed writing this actually but my legs are in pain, my patch is due for a change 30 mins ago haha. I am currently at Bethany's while she is at Sally's hair supplies getting some new scissors so one is on the laptop on the sofa while Bella has her nap and Ava is watching YouTube on the TV haha. I might try and get another post written if my body lets me. Thank you for anyone who has read this... and got to the end of this post and apologises if I don't makes sense!! Hope to see you all soon :)


Love Katie :)

My Fiance A Wonderful Daddy

My Fiancé a wonderful Dad

 

 

 

 

Dear Tommy,

Who would have imagined when you first sent me your number that would be here today, a lovely little family with two children. To be honest from the first time we spoke I knew we were going to spend our lives together, I just didn't expect to have your baby as soon as I did. Do you remember finding out in Tesco toilets? Classy eh. The shock was massive but you were so happy! you couldn't Stop smiling! I was so happy that I was  going to be doing it properly this time! It was so good to have you to go to all the scans and appointments, I just don't think you knew what the wait was going to be like. We all know how impatient you are mr. And that didn't change with pregnancy, I got you a gender scan because I knew you couldn't wait to find out the sex and you were delighted when you found out she was a little girl. We got proper stuck in to preparation and buying things for our little girl. It was so much fun. I love how protective you got over me towards the end. Such a protective daddy already. Do you remember all the false times I thought labour was coming! They were so often  that when I was in actual labour we didn't believe it and it was  such a race to get me to hospital that you nearly crashed into the hospital barriers haha. Thank you for being by my side through the birth babe, it was so lovely to have a dad there this time and there was nothing more lovely than  a dad meeting his daughter for the first time, oh thanks for the labour selfie babe!


                                                 


You have thrown yourself into parenting so well! Your a natural though your a fantastic daddy to Ava so I knew you would be okay. You are such a fantastic daddy to them, doing the nappy changes, feeds ect. The way you make them laugh is magical. You have such a special way with your girls. I love the fact we are a unit in parenting it gives such a healthy balance. Hearing the word daddy from both of their mouths warms my heart to this day. You love doing family things don't you. When we go to the park I like to sit back and watch you spend time with the girls, they are so happy, you make them so happy. You don't get to spend loads of time with them during the week so I know you cherish the weekends with them, your laugh when your mucking around with them is priceless. Your the best daddy I could ever ask for, for our girls.

Lastly  I would like to say thank you for taking on Ava the way you have, You are all she knows as a dad. You are her dad and there's nothing else too it. You didn't have to do  it but you did, and that makes you such an incredible man. A man your mother should be proud of and I know that she is. You should also be proud of yourself babe, the dad you have turned into is amazing and I cant wait to have more of your babies.

Happy Fathers Day Tom

Love from Me Ava And Bella

Love you always baby  xxx

A letter to dad

A letter to dad

Dear Dad,


I don't even know where to start, how do I even begin to say thank you to you. I have a mountain of things to be grateful for I just don't know where to start. Sure you did the dad stuff when I was young, you know the normal dad stuff like teaching me to swim, teaching me to ride a bike, taking me to the park providing a safe and secure home for me and keeping me fed and watered. There were also the unconventional things you did with me too like taking me on ghost walks, to haunted prisons and of course loosing me and a little shop in pontins... I had to bring that up haha. We had so much fun going to all the plane museums and air shows too didn't we dad. I used to and still do love hearing you tell me all about them in great detail, its amazing how much you know so clever. The smile on your face when you would show me around these places was heart warming, I remember thinking those days that I wouldn't rather be anywhere else. I think I knew more about the spitfire before I was 10 than any other girl did in her lifetime, I am so grateful you have filled my head with all  that knowledge. Thank you. I think back to all these time with a smile the size of the world, I'm so happy we have done so much together, you know I get a little teary too dad, how did it all go too fast? One minuet I was relying on you left right and centre and being your companion  to all these places and now I have my own family to run and I don't live that close. I do miss those times a lot but I have had to grow up I just wish the days never went so quick. I will cherish these memories forever, you gave me a lovely childhood.

I remember seeing the two lines on that stick and it didn't feel real. I couldn't believe it and it never sunk in till I, well Elisa told Mum. Soon the realisation hit that I would have to tell you, I would have to tell you dad that your little girl was pregnant at 17. I was petrified, I knew I had let you down. I thought you would be disgusted, ashamed and embarrassed. I hid out at a mates when mum told you, I had my phone in my hand waiting for Mum to tell me she had told you. When you picked me up from a friends things had never been so awkward between us, you barely spoke to me and all I wanted was a cuddle and for you to tell me you loved me and it was going to be okay, I was scared dad I was still a child which I could tell is what you were thinking, but I wanted to keep my baby. I knew you would come around when you got used to the idea. I knew you loved me unconditionally and that you would be there for me, so when you started smiling about it I knew it was going to be okay. One time really sticks out in my mind, when we was in gran canaria and you spoke about the baby girl in my belly. It was different, you was smiling about her you was talking about when she was going to be here like you never had before, I knew then I had your unconditional support, I knew you would be by my side. By my side that you were especially when the hard part came. My labour, it was painful and needed an epidural, you got me through it, kept me still and held my hand, without you I wouldn't have done it I want you to know that. Thank you for being there during that, thank you for never leaving my side the whole time. Some woman may feel weird having their dads see that but I didn't it felt right and it felt natural and I wouldn't have had it any other way, I needed my daddy there and I would have you there again. When Ava arrived it was magical you had the first proper cuddle, you were natural with her,  the love in your eyes was amazing and its then I think you made the promise to always be there for her. And that you have been, you have been there for her since the day she was born till now and continue to be your a wonderful granddad not just to Ava not just to Bella but to all your grandchildren, there's a reason they love you so much.

Thank you dad for giving me a home when it was just me and Ava, you could have easily have told me to find somewhere but you didn't. Whenever I needed you, you were always right there offering a hand in help and you still are. You were there to give me break of an evening by cuddling my little bundle till she was soundo. You where happy to change her and feed her, taking on daddy responsibilities you sure made being a single parent easier. You made me see being single parent was not something to be ashamed of, you always told me I was doing a good job. That meant the world to me. If you thought I was doing good then I didn't care what everyone else thought your opinion was the one that mattered most. Sure over time I met Tommy and grown up more, had another baby and moved out. But dad I'm still your little girl. Just a bit heavier these days. I want to thank you for letting Tom move in, I had fell in love and you helped my heart not break. I may have found love dad but you will always be my first love and the love I have for you in unconditional. Thank you for not booting me out even when my family expanded and space was tight. I felt so ashamed that I hadn't  and couldn't give my girls a home but the fact you did and you let us stay made it easier. Of course the time came when we moved, I had tears in my eyes the whole time and know you did too, we knew we wouldn't see each other all the time and I knew it was breaking your heart being separated from Ava. I hope you see I am trying to see you as much as I can, though saying goodbye never gets easier, I miss you dad and I know the girls miss you too.

I want to mention when you lost granddad, I know its random but its the first time I saw you cry properly. It broke your heart and I felt helpless because I wanted to fix it for you. I wanted to cuddle you and tell you it would get easier and it will be okay. He would be so proud of you, of the dad you are, the granddad you are and the incredible man you are. He lives on in you we can all see it.

I have been through so much two very difficult times to be exact and you know what I'm talking about, I could have broken, I nearly did. I know those times are probably hard for you to think of and painful, but with out your support through them I don't know where I would be now. I do look and think how did I get where I am now, how did I get from some painful moments in my life to a happy family now, well that's because of you and mum guiding me through and being the best support system, I owe who I am today to you.

This letter is to you, to say thank you for being you thank you for doing so much for me beyond what is expected. All I have ever wanted was to make you proud dad the way I am of you. You truly are one in a million, I have struck gold. Happy fathers Day dad. I love you... unconditionally.

Lots of love

Your little girl.  

My Mind And Me - Obsessive Desperation

Obsessive desperation

I remember endless days on right move, I must have searched every area in Berkshire. At the beginning I had a clear image of what type of area I wanted and what type of place I wanted. I wanted a nice peaceful area a newish done place that was clean and ideal. I didn't want anywhere cramped either, the last thing I needed was to develop claustrophobia. I must have looked through hundreds of places and they were all out of price range or too far ect. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to throw my phone out the window, but I could afford the screen fixture.

This took a toll on me, my fuse had got shorter and the tears had increased. I had brought Ava home to my parents house after having her, which was understandable I was only young and single. Not that there is anything wrong with my parents but it weren't mine. And now id brought my second baby back to theirs. That was just not how I had seen my second childs homecoming being. I was in a relationship we were a family we should have had our own family home. I took this on my shoulders massively to be honest. I was their mum I should be providing a home for them not every other tom dick and harry. Though mum, dad I am ever so grateful you put a roof over our heads when I couldn't. I know Tom felt guilt over this but I know not as much as I did and it wasn't his fault, he was working his bum off, every hour everywhere bless him. I blamed myself. What had I done to try and get our girls their own home. This is why I believe I developed my obsession with property searching. And boy did it turn into an obsession.

I had lost sight of what I had envisioned for our first home. I was emailing all properties, not taking any notice of what they looked like. My goal became my goal and nothing else mattered, heck we didn't even have the deposit money but that didn't faze me I was asking for viewings with hope we could somehow get the deposit however it be. Not realistic no but for some reason I didn't believe it was unrealistic to me it was as real as the sun. I got Tommy to view places after work, he was knackered, but I wouldn't take  no for an answer, I just had to be a good mum I had to find my girls their own home. Tommy would come home from these to be frank shit holes, he would tell me all about them, how disgusting they were how we wouldn't be going anywhere near them. I was devastated every time. I even accused Tom of lying, saying that he was saying they weren't nice because he didn't want to move in with me. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I found another place, but I insisted I go with Tom so I did, my obsession had got worse, I had to go with Tom now. We pulled up in some dodgy looking street, but still I was looking for all positives and wouldn't acknowledge the mountain of negatives. I can tell you this now as I can see it clearly but back then I couldn't see it through my blindness of obsession and desperation. The place was a wreck bars on the windows, really pokey, a kitchen with bits hanging off, rooms where tiny, it was a vile colour and it stunk to high heaven. Tommy hated it I could tell and I did too deep down but I wanted my own place so bad. So I tried to convince Tom of the positives tried to get him to see what the flat could have been like with a lot of work done, work that would have cost a fortune, money we didn't have but did do you think that bothered me? No. Realistically could I see myself Tom and the girls living there? No it was another shit hole. But I weren't thinking about that at the time my mind was focused and I wanted to secure the flat. Obsession had completely taken over me.

I needed someone to take control over me before I did something I'd later regret like moving into one of the roughest flats. Two days after viewing I had put down a holding fee. Still had no deposit. What the fuck was all that about. Tom however was having second thoughts and rightly so he new it was disgusting and we shouldn't live there. He called it off and got the holding fee back. I was furious, the obsessive bitch inside of me wanted to explode. And she did but surprisingly not with anger, I must have cried so much that day I could have created a whole new river Thames. Now I cant thank Tommy enough  for doing that he saved us from living in a pit and I'm so ashamed I went that far to nearly make us live in somewhere so unsuitable. I had started off my moving out goal to give my children  their own beautiful safe home and in the end I was doing it because, I felt like I needed something so desperately and I felt like I needed to accomplish my goal so desperately.

After that incident Tom got tougher he had too. It shocked me too and I realised every thing it was like the slap in the face I needed in order to snap out of it and rid the obsession, so I don't regret finding that place because if I didn't my obsession may have got worse. I calmed down a lot thankfully though I still searched a lot I weren't as bad. I come round to thinking it will happen eventually. For a while things were calm, until I started bubbling again and that right move app started opening more, to be honest it was teasing me sitting there on my phone. I could feel that black hole opening again and I was so frightened of the obsession repeating itself.

I believe that obsession and desperation are also a sign of depression. Depression is made up of a lot and are believe these are part of it. I want you to know that if your feeling desperate about something, obsessive about something that you don't want or need to be obsessive about I want you to know that your not alone I've been there I've rode that part out and for me it was the most scary bit of the depression (not that I knew I was suffering with it at the time). But I got through it with the love and support of family who snapped me back to reality. You will too, on the whole its a minor part of the depression journey, but its one I thought I would make people aware of.

Thanks for reading

Watch out for the next My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Mischievious Moo's - 1

Children make me laugh especially mine.  They are hilarious. The things they get up to make me laugh more than Lee Evans doing stand up. They are always getting up to something, I'm not talking about one thing a week I mean they are always up to something mischievous but funny every day. Safe to say my life is pretty eventful. I was thinking of doing a new series on what my girls get up too. I want to share my little laughs with all of you. Its good to have a cheerful post. So here we are I am not just thinking of it I'm doing it. Some things I will mention are just things that Bella has learnt to do as I like to keep you all updated.

Bella my little monkey has learnt how to climb! Now she has known how to do this for a while but now her limits have gone sky high, no height fazes her, she has no fear. I caught her climbing on the dining room chair. Pretty normal right? But then she took it to the next level she decided to go on the table and no not sit on it, stand walk and dance around on it. Luckily I have a hatch in my kitchen so I can see what goes on in the front room and I caught her in time. My heart actually stopped. It was in my throat and Bella just found it funny. That's not the end of her climbing antics, she has also found the window ledge, she climbs onto the sofa and the onto the window ledge and stands up, though this is for a rather cute reason, she is looking for her daddy and calls him when she is up at the window, she starts this in the morning and does it on and off until Tommy gets in early evening. Safe to say I need eyes up my bum where Bella's climbing is concerned.

Bella has also managed to find mummy's make up! I knew one day the girls would become curious in make up, they see me do it but I didn't think it would be quite this soon haha. I turned round to find Bella trying to apply red lipstick oh and trying to eat it! After closer inspection I also noticed she managed to paint my bedding red with it too! What a cheeky moo! She knows how to make people laugh, she knows exactly what cracks me and Tommy up at the age 1! she likes to put her shorts on her head and run around like a mad baby, safe to say we was wetting ourselves, not literally of course. Though with my pelvic floors I wouldn't be surprised! ha ha too much info. To Bellas weekly antics we can add her first roly poly which she decided to do in her cot when she was supposed to be asleep. She was awake for two hours after bed time, in this time she had decided to become a gymnastic dancer and told me to go away ha ha, oh and that she wanted daddy. I felt so wanted haha.

Ava, she has had a pretty quiet week for her though she has been coming out with classic Ava comments, saying to me its not "init" its "isn't it" she has also been calling me a melon quite regular too! cheeky moo! She has also adopted another favourite when I tell her off, "just let me do what I want to do" I try not to laugh at this, the way she delivers her one liners are hilarious. Ava loves watching cooking programmes Jamie Oliver ones in particular, she fancies him he is her boyfriend don't you know. Ava thought she would take inspiration from this today and do her own cooking programme using two different flavour yoghurts, she was mixing and pouring and making a bloody mess! I almost fainted when I saw the mess on my dining table ha ha! To be fair it didn't take long to clear up  and she was having fun I suppose, no harm done!

 

 

 

That is it on the antics on my cheeky little moos for this week! I will be turning this into a series, I know this is going on today (weds) but I will be posting this on a Tues weekly.

I hope you enjoyed :) what funny things do your little ones get up too?

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

 

Product Reveiw- CoLab Active

 

Product Review: CoLab Active

Whatever happens in life us women and some men will always find time to make sure our hair is perfect. I remember a time when I used to have to squeeze in a hair wash even  if my time in shower couldn't be long, due to you know life being hectic, but I couldn't have greasy hair so I would make time! This being the case I bet you were all as relieved and excited when dry shampoo was invented!

These days there are loads of different brands from supermarket own to actual branded and loads of different types, safe to say I've tried and tested most, some have impressed more than others, infact I have wrote a review on another before you may or may not remember. Needless to say I had wrote that review long before I had tested this brand that I can tell you now I'm going to praise to high heaven.

I was going a long a bit of a dry shampoo surfer, never had a regular one, always chopping and changing, this was until Katie introduced me to CoLab. It opened my eyes to a new range of better dry shampoos! I also had fun smelling all their different ones which are named after  different cities, London being my personal favourite and my regular, yep that's right this dry shampoo surfer had settled. I was well and truly excited when they brought out their new one Active.

I was eager to try and purchased as soon as I could. To be honest I knew before I tried it, it was going to be good if their other dry shampoos were anything to go by. As soon as needed I reached for the can of dry shampoo and used it. I was amazed. It does exactly what it says on the tin. It is most defiantly invisible, this shocked me the most if I'm honest. Usually when dry shampoos say it they are not always completely invisible, but this one is, no white marks in sight which means a mirror is not necessary when applying. Go are the days of rubbing your hair like your insane to get rid of the white marks (which seemed like a bloody workout)! Conditioning, that's another thing it says it does, this couldn't be more true, after applying the hair looks a lot more fresh & feels better too, that's something I find unique to this dry shampoo. With a lot of others they make it so your hair is good to look at but at touch it don't feel that great, with this one you seriously wouldn't think I had any on. This lasts all day too, though I do like to top up but that's just personal! Lastly, the shine it leaves my hair with is beautiful, it looks like its not long been washed which is I guess what you want your dry shampoo to do. Retailing at about £3.99 in Superdrug it is well worth the money and you certainly get  what you pay for. Oh and by the way it smells gorg!

Whether your busy at work, with children or just life in general we could all use a little dry shampoo in our lives. Even if you think you don't...you do. There is simply no point in trying hundreds of different dry shampoos, get yourself down to Superdrug and pick up this quality dry shampoo. But be warned once you go CoLab you don't go back ;)
 Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Three Sides To Me

Three Sides To Me

It was the little things that made all the difference. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. It didn't take much to make me happy but then it didn't take much to make me pissed off either. I supposed pissed off was a light way to describe it. More like severe dramatic over reacting fucked off. Then you had the middle of the spectrum which peered its head up every now and then but not that much. Sadness. Pure sadness. I don't mean sad in general I mean I would get sad about things, simple things, like Tommy going to work.

You know what I don't even  know if it was sadness, more like pure desperation. I remember some mornings I would lay there hoping his alarm wouldn't go off so he would miss work, heck it did cross my mind to turn his alarm off. But I never did. We lived with my mum in Essex and he had to travel to Berkshire to work everyday, leaving at 5am and sometimes not returning till 7pm maybe later. So you could understand why I was so desperate to keep him at home with me, it felt like I hardly saw him during the week. I started to resent his work, and him I guess. I felt like he didn't want to be home. He did and he did want to be around me he was just doing what he could to support us. I can see that now. But at the time I was blinded by what my mind was telling me, because that's what it was something in my mind twisting the truth. Having the girls to look after everyday kept me afloat if not I think I could have been your classic lay in a dark room all day depressive. But of course I wasn't depressed. I didn't think so.

Like I said there were different sides of this and unfortunately I have to express them to you. Only that way you can get an understanding of what my head must have been like, only I now can understand myself after I've read what I've wrote and I lived it. Anyway back to topic. So I had done the whole waking up, sad desperation wishing I had Tom staying home. And yes I have had the paranoia where I was scared he was going to leave me, the hundreds of texts I sent just to check if we were okay. Yes I was a  nightmare I know but don't tell me you ladies haven't done something similar depression, anxiety  ect or not. But anyway the paranoia speaks for itself not much to say on  that. Evening would come around I would feed the girls and bath them  by myself, when I was lucky Tom would be home to just make bath time but that weren't often, of course that weren't his fault it was depending on what time work finished and the bloody traffic on the m25 (shitty road). Now incase you haven't gathered by now, my third post, my mind wasn't of normal thinking. Yes that's right you guessed it. He was in the wrong. My blood boiling, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of escaping me (wouldn't have blamed him) must have been running through his head. I am clever I noticed it. By now I had rehearsed my argument 5 times in my head already. By the time that car pulled up I was all fired up and ready to go! Of course silent treatment HAD to occur first (I'm still a woman), he needed to know something was wrong though by now he was probably expecting it. You know weirdly when my well rehearsed argument actually left my lips it made no bloody sense. What the fuck? It was perfect I had a point, he should be on his knees saying sorry (for what? who the hell knows) but he wasn't he was laughing at me  and calling out my shit points. Of course that would end up with me going well into one storming about and locking myself in bathroom after slamming the door pretending to go for the longest wee in history. These matters would resolve themselves but they would soon reoccur.

Of course there was a happier side to my mind! Like I said I was very easy to make happy too. I lived for children and something else, the weekends! We were all together, as a family. The man I had missed so terribly all week was home I was going to make the most of them days. We would just make little trips to Asda to get Bellas jars, or just to browse round but to me it would be the most special time. It would make me smile so much. And I would be so content. I loved it when  we were all together. On a really good weekend when we had the money, Id get my eyebrows done, I would get replacement leggings, you girls will know the hassle with the holes that primark leggings ALWAYS produce. Now these days I would be ecstatic. No I weren't going anywhere fancy, no I weren't buying the next designer thing, but I was with the people I cared about the most  and I was treating myself to a little something. Could you imagine what I was like if we went out for a meal I was like a child hyped up of thousands of sweets. Like I said it didn't take a lot to set of that smile, just like it didn't take a lot to set off them tears  and the rage.

There were so many days I thought Tommy was going to throw in the towel, and he probably did think about it once or twice or even more. But he never did. He is still by my side, I think I still take him a bit for granted but writing it out like this really opens my eyes. I don't think I could have stuck it out with me like that so I really see clearly how lucky I am, Tommy is my rock I love him dearly and he is always there for me. Thank you Tom. Thank you so much.

This like my other two posts is only a part of my story, I hope you stick with me so I can take you through my journey, maybe even for some of you to relate too. My inbox (twitter) is always there.

Look out for my mind and me part 4 next week.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Changes Children Bring

10 Things Children Change

 

 

So this morning as I am sitting there eating my poor excuse of a breakfast when I took the opportunity to think, as a mum you have to grab 5 minuets where you can. I thought about the little things you don't usually realise day to day.

 

Breakfast - Ahh the most important meal of the day. I remember the days of fresh hot toast burning tea and cereal that still holds a crunch that you can have when you want and at your leisure. These days I have to eat at the crack of dawn, and it takes me so long to eat it I have to put up with cold floppy toast, cement like porridge, soggy cereal and luke warm tea. But hey its the most important meal of the day so I got to eat it right?

 

 

Toileting - You can bet your life whether it be a number one 1 or number 2 you will have an audience that's  of course if you haven't sprinted to the toilet and shut the door before the audience have got seated. In this case you will stay there for as long as possible this is your quiet place now. Gone are the days of a peaceful wee with the door open! Toilets used to be a place you couldn't get out of quick enough now you stay in there an extra ten minuets.

 

 

Possessions - It used to be that all your things would stay neatly in one place. You would know exactly where everything was. Now that is no longer the case, your possessions are no longer yours and yours only and you no longer know where  things are, its a game of hide and seek whenever you need anything, and chances are whatever it is, it will be jam covered when  you find it.

 

 

Laying Down - Now as silly as this one sounds I can't be the only one. Laying down used to be a relaxing time where you could gather your thoughts. Not anymore mummy dear. You become a human trampoline and a target for BUNDLE. And I don't know what your thoughts are but a child can sniff out and relaxed adult lying down from miles away.

 

 

Phone - You remember a time when your mobile phone would be pristine. No scratches, no cracks and perfectly clean, and the only apps it would have where those of social media and necessities. Yes ladies and gentleman this is not sacred either. Get used to scratched up phones broken screens (you will be getting them fixed every week this costs a fortune) sticky buttons and every cbeebies app going!

 

 

Food - Remember sitting down with a nice plate of dinner thinking how on earth am I going to eat all that? Well guess what that is not an issue for me any more. You can guarantee no matter how much my children have ate no matter how much of their dinner has gone you can bet your life there will always be room for mine.

 

 

Talking to yourself - Okay so yeah this does sound like a weird one, but that's only because you never noticed it before. In everyday life you make little comments to yourself, little statements and you never really notice it. But believe me with a child you do, they listen to everything, they can hear you and once they do a thousand questions will be put at you about the most pointless statement you said to yourself. But they don't care how pointless it was, they will carry on leading you to feeling like you are be interrogated.

 

 

Sitting of the sofa - Hard day? sit back relax on your sofa it looks like a cloud of pure softness ready for your bum to take the plunge, that is until OUCH. Yep you have probably just sat on a Barbie,  building block, toy car ect. you get my point you can no longer just kick back with out inspecting your seating first.

 

 

Drinks - You know 5 years ago I would pour myself out a drink and there would be wastage where I hadn't drunk it all. These days I don't have that problem but jheez kids I would like some. Turns out when there are children  around you cannot turn your back on your drink for 5 minuets, chances are if you do it won't be there when you look back.

 

Eating Chocolate - Chocolate bar? Just make sure you eat it in the other room or behind a book or something. Believe me if they catch you, you will be in big trouble, eating chocolate without them how dare you? you will then be obliged to give them the rest.

 

 

 

Fair to say kids change a lot! Nothing will ever be the same again but personally I wouldn't have it any other way, what are a few alterations in my life when I am privileged to have two girls as awesome as mine!

 

Until next time

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

 



Our Time At Bucklebury Farm

 

Review For Bucklebury Farm Park

 

 

 

This time last week we were gearing up for an spectacular Sunday at Bucklebury Farm Park. We were going to submerge ourselves into farm antics getting up close and personal with all the farmyard animals. Having children that are keen animal lovers I knew that they were going to have the time of their lives. Like everyone before a day out we had to prepare, though we thought sod it to preparing food we don't do it very often so we was going to have the full shebang and eat there too. However we made sure we had change in our pockets for a car parking fee as we had been in the no money for car parking situation too many times. We had to have double the change as going on this outing was myself, Tommy, the two girls, Katie and my father in law so obviously we would need to take two cars, corr parking was going to be tight. Would there be enough spaces? 

You know what I hate? I hate farms that are like in the centre of everything, you know right next to town, I mean come on could you get more unrealistic and fake made farm than that? That's what I was gearing up for  in all honestly, but hey ho it was for my girls who cares what I wanted. We set off for the twenty minuet journey, this was the most bizarre twenty minuet journey of my life! as we were getting further and further into our journey we started getting surrounded buy more and more green, you would have thought we had travelled hours, that's what made it so surreal, how could 10 minuets ago we be in a busy city but now we are simply in the middle of nowhere. I thought I was walking into an emmerdale scene. It was beautiful. We pulled into the farm and came across a good sized car park, it was busy but had plenty of spaces, to my absolute joy the car parking was free! Typical the time we come somewhere car park prepared we don't need to,  I weren't complaining though!

Upon entering the farm I felt as though I needed my wellies on, not because it was muddy or any thing (though can imagine on a wet day it would be wise, its a farm what do expect!) but because it felt like I was on a private farm, I was expecting Zak Dingle to pop round the corner at anytime. The first thing to greet us where chickens! followed by a donkey, a great start before we paid. Getting further into the farm it was clear this was a proper working farm, stocking produce as well. When going to pay you have to walk through the little farm shop. The shop being smaller that expected but to be honest I later realised they don't really need one! It is clear to see that the place is more fun than all about the merchandise like usual places like this. The only problem I would say is its a bit awkward paying for tickets in the shop as it distracts the children a tad. We were lucky enough for my father in law to be treating us, I did feel guilty as looking at the place I thought it was going to cost him close to £100, for four adults and two children that's what to expect these days, delightfully it only cost him £40ish for us all. I still felt guilty as I always do when someone else paid but I didn't feel as bad.

The farm is very easy to follow, a good natural pathway that takes you from animal to animal ensuring you don't miss any! I don't know about you but I hate panicking that I'm going to miss things and constantly having to check the map to make sure I have seen it all. We had earlier bough some animal food (at reception) that costs around £0.60, bargain! This food can be used to feed all animals apart from the ponies so this was a result. The girls had a lot of fun sticking their hands through the fence, feeding the goats in particular. I know they do warn that all animals have the tendency to bite ect and of course are unpredictable, but all the animals we come across where very friendly. We went through the animal part in usain bolt style. Quick but enjoyable. It is obviously a bright idea to ensure you wash your hands after contact with the animals, but don't worry there are taps, soap and hand towels available just by the animals. We was earlier providde with a timetable of things including, egg collecting, tractor ride, animal petting ect I looked and thought I cant wait to do all these. That was until Ava found the park.

Park. You may think how standard. No. It was farm set and not typical. There were swings climbing tractors ect. Then a favourite with the kids, A wooden castle! The children would go inside and either go all the way to the top or stop half way and go down the fireman's polls. This kept Ava entertained for ages! Next to it was a sand pit which I noticed was keeping a lot of kids happy, Though Ava wanted to go on the indoor slides before lunch instead. What great fun. There where two slides in which you have to use the sac provided and two drop slides at two different heights. It looked so much fun that I wanted to go on them myself.

Lunch time!! Two choices. A posh burger van, which seemed a bit pricey, but the food did look worth it or the café, a rather posh one at that. I did think oh gosh, but actually they had affordable food on there. The sandwiches costing between £4.00 - £5.00 and the baguettes between £5.00 - £6.00 with a range of fillings to suit all. May I take the time to say how amazing the kids chicken nuggets and chips are! The portion size was plenty I could have had it, homemade and they were delicious!. They also provide the adults as kids portion with 20% off the price. All the food was fresh and well worth the £40. Yes that's right £40 for all 6 of us including drinks!. Though  if you want an after dinner coffee I wouldn't recommend it at £2 for a tiny cup I would stick to soft beverages.

We finished lunch in time for my favourite bit, the tractor ride! I don't know why I was so excited, I wasn't expecting anything special just a ride round the farm, but it just shouted fun to me. That's when the surprise really happened. The tractor ride took us into a who new bit of the farm, big green beautiful fields with stunning views and deer sitting in the middle. To my delight that was were the tractor was taking us. The tractor man who by the was very knowledgeable and taught us a lot (I was very impressed) Gave us buckets of food to feed the deer with. The deer came up close to the tractor and where such lovely animals. It was an experience I would love to have again.

What could we do next, well, that's where I get on to the range of activities we did next. Provided was a big bouncy pillow thing, I don't know what I was but it was a hell of a lot of fun, little peddle go karts and some bikes in a separate area for the little ones, two goals and footballs provided and a play bus, which by the way was brilliant, a bus converted into a soft play. We had the best afternoon playing on all these things. Yes I did say we us adults to joined in. There was also a tire swing, zip wire and assault course. To be honest I thought you would have to pay extra for all these bits but you didn't which makes it even more perfect. I honestly felt like I had relived my childhood, I didn't want the day to end. No I didn't do as much on the timetable as I would of liked to but that's for another day, I was too busy having fun elsewhere. I also noticed an area in which you can take picnics if you don't wish to buy food. After a quick trip to the shop for Ava it was time for us to sadly set off home with two knackered children and rather worn out adults!

If your looking for some affordable fun this summer then I would defiantly recommend Bucklebury Farm park. Its got beautiful scenery, friendly staff whom I cant fault and fun for everyone. I give it a thumbs up and five stars. Bucklebury Farm I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Until next time our lovely readers

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx