My Mind And Me - Obsessive Desperation

Obsessive desperation

I remember endless days on right move, I must have searched every area in Berkshire. At the beginning I had a clear image of what type of area I wanted and what type of place I wanted. I wanted a nice peaceful area a newish done place that was clean and ideal. I didn't want anywhere cramped either, the last thing I needed was to develop claustrophobia. I must have looked through hundreds of places and they were all out of price range or too far ect. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to throw my phone out the window, but I could afford the screen fixture.

This took a toll on me, my fuse had got shorter and the tears had increased. I had brought Ava home to my parents house after having her, which was understandable I was only young and single. Not that there is anything wrong with my parents but it weren't mine. And now id brought my second baby back to theirs. That was just not how I had seen my second childs homecoming being. I was in a relationship we were a family we should have had our own family home. I took this on my shoulders massively to be honest. I was their mum I should be providing a home for them not every other tom dick and harry. Though mum, dad I am ever so grateful you put a roof over our heads when I couldn't. I know Tom felt guilt over this but I know not as much as I did and it wasn't his fault, he was working his bum off, every hour everywhere bless him. I blamed myself. What had I done to try and get our girls their own home. This is why I believe I developed my obsession with property searching. And boy did it turn into an obsession.

I had lost sight of what I had envisioned for our first home. I was emailing all properties, not taking any notice of what they looked like. My goal became my goal and nothing else mattered, heck we didn't even have the deposit money but that didn't faze me I was asking for viewings with hope we could somehow get the deposit however it be. Not realistic no but for some reason I didn't believe it was unrealistic to me it was as real as the sun. I got Tommy to view places after work, he was knackered, but I wouldn't take  no for an answer, I just had to be a good mum I had to find my girls their own home. Tommy would come home from these to be frank shit holes, he would tell me all about them, how disgusting they were how we wouldn't be going anywhere near them. I was devastated every time. I even accused Tom of lying, saying that he was saying they weren't nice because he didn't want to move in with me. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I found another place, but I insisted I go with Tom so I did, my obsession had got worse, I had to go with Tom now. We pulled up in some dodgy looking street, but still I was looking for all positives and wouldn't acknowledge the mountain of negatives. I can tell you this now as I can see it clearly but back then I couldn't see it through my blindness of obsession and desperation. The place was a wreck bars on the windows, really pokey, a kitchen with bits hanging off, rooms where tiny, it was a vile colour and it stunk to high heaven. Tommy hated it I could tell and I did too deep down but I wanted my own place so bad. So I tried to convince Tom of the positives tried to get him to see what the flat could have been like with a lot of work done, work that would have cost a fortune, money we didn't have but did do you think that bothered me? No. Realistically could I see myself Tom and the girls living there? No it was another shit hole. But I weren't thinking about that at the time my mind was focused and I wanted to secure the flat. Obsession had completely taken over me.

I needed someone to take control over me before I did something I'd later regret like moving into one of the roughest flats. Two days after viewing I had put down a holding fee. Still had no deposit. What the fuck was all that about. Tom however was having second thoughts and rightly so he new it was disgusting and we shouldn't live there. He called it off and got the holding fee back. I was furious, the obsessive bitch inside of me wanted to explode. And she did but surprisingly not with anger, I must have cried so much that day I could have created a whole new river Thames. Now I cant thank Tommy enough  for doing that he saved us from living in a pit and I'm so ashamed I went that far to nearly make us live in somewhere so unsuitable. I had started off my moving out goal to give my children  their own beautiful safe home and in the end I was doing it because, I felt like I needed something so desperately and I felt like I needed to accomplish my goal so desperately.

After that incident Tom got tougher he had too. It shocked me too and I realised every thing it was like the slap in the face I needed in order to snap out of it and rid the obsession, so I don't regret finding that place because if I didn't my obsession may have got worse. I calmed down a lot thankfully though I still searched a lot I weren't as bad. I come round to thinking it will happen eventually. For a while things were calm, until I started bubbling again and that right move app started opening more, to be honest it was teasing me sitting there on my phone. I could feel that black hole opening again and I was so frightened of the obsession repeating itself.

I believe that obsession and desperation are also a sign of depression. Depression is made up of a lot and are believe these are part of it. I want you to know that if your feeling desperate about something, obsessive about something that you don't want or need to be obsessive about I want you to know that your not alone I've been there I've rode that part out and for me it was the most scary bit of the depression (not that I knew I was suffering with it at the time). But I got through it with the love and support of family who snapped me back to reality. You will too, on the whole its a minor part of the depression journey, but its one I thought I would make people aware of.

Thanks for reading

Watch out for the next My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

The big M

It never used to bother me, you know the whole living at home with parents, even when I had Ava and was a single mum I didn't mind staying in my parents home, its all I knew and I weren't in a hurry to take the leap in to independence. I had a new little baby that was enough of a change and I was 18 so it was still acceptable. After having Ava it did dawn on me that I was the 'third wheel' so to speak. But I didn't care, I had the right to be there, I was their daughter, like Ava was mine so I knew it didn't bother them after all you can never picture your child leaving home and don't tend to think about it.

Time went on, I started college, another reason for me not to take the leap, I wanted to finish the course before I thought about taking on the moving challenge, and also getting a job at the end of it was fore front of my mind too. Now I had a boyfriend at that point. Together for a year you would think we would have thought about the next step, but he turned out to have the mind of a five year old and a dragon of a controlling nan so I got out of that relationship faster than Usain Bolt running the 100m. By no means did this dampen my spirits, I stayed at home and continued studying and Ava was coming up for her second birthday. It was then that my sister made a joke that me being me took seriously. This changed my  life forever, in a good way don't be alarmed. You should try online dating she said, so I did.


To be honest I wasn't looking for 'love' I thought I would just see what it was like. I had heard about online dating and now seeing myself as an adult I didn't see the harm. Oh my it wasn't the best dating site to try, but it was one advertised on Facebook so I thought it must be popular. Some of the wronguns that messaged me on there were unbelievable. I even texted a few. Don't ask me why. I saw it all, cheesy chat up lines, a fairly normal bloke who was still tied up on his ex so much so I started to think they were still together! I had boring blokes which had less personality than my sofa, and weird stalker types, which were possessive after a day of texting, I would rather of had my eyes gauged out by a bear while being stung by a thousands of angry bees than have spoke to them a day longer. I pretty much gave up on the whole online dating scene having wrote it off as a place of creeps. I don't know why I went back on there, curiosity killed the cat as they say. But I was right to do so because sitting in my inbox was a little message from my now fiancé and father of my two children. (Ava knows him as daddy he's all she knows )we have now been together for nearly 3 years.

 

I suppose it was when I was pregnant with Bella I started to think of my own space. We had lived with Toms parents and mine at separate times during my pregnancy. Going from pillar to post we both come to the realisation we both had no place to call home. These two houses we had grown up in no longer felt like home. For the first time the place I had lived in for like 12 years was my parents home. That was how we knew that it was time. It was time to move. To get our own place our own space. stand on our own two feet. Unfortunately due too medical problems in my pregnancy it was decided that it was best not to until Bella had arrived. And of course the main problem MONEY. I didn't feel to stressed out about it while I was pregnant. It wasn't until Bella was born that it bothered me the most. Things got really difficult living with my parents. Me and my mum started arguing. A lot. Little things she did annoyed me. I started to want my own place desperately, a far cry from how I was when I had just had Ava, I had grown up. I would cry about it most days wanting to move came an obsession. I would look at properties online all day everyday and imagine myself in them. I nearly took a disgusting flat, it was Tommy that made me realise. After that I tried not to think about it but It was still there in my head, I NEEDED to move. Eventually Tommy came up with viewings randomly, to my delight we viewed a place and liked it and with the deposit saved up safe and sound in our bank account we were good to go. I faced the most painful, longest, agonising week of my life hoping everything would go through okay, I cant explain to you how it felt when we got a moving date. That was a magical day. To be honest it didn't seem real I was on cloud 9 and thought I was watching someone else moving into their place. That night felt good. Relaxed. Now came the next challenge.


I had it, all I had wanted. But I was in a new place that was completely alien to me. I had gone from Essex to Woodley In berks over night. It was new. I had no idea what was in my area, where the busses went, where the local hospital was ect. it took months to get used too and to know. At first and I will be honest I felt I didn't belong, I mean how can someone who knows nothing about the place and had a noticeable different accent belong? On top of it all the whole flat was my responsibility , that was daunting, more daunting than motherhood strangely enough. I had too cook dinners if not my family didn't eat, I had to do all the washing if not my family had no clothes, I would have to get the shopping in to make sure I was able to cook, I had to make sure we didn't run out of money and make sure the rent was paid on time to make sure we didn't become homeless. I had to make sure the house was clean so that my kids don't live in a dirt pit and get unhealthy. It was stressful, before I only had to look after myself and make sure my kids were looked after and fed. Now Everything was down to me and with Tom at work If I didn't do it, it would fall apart. I'm not going to lie it took a while to find my feet.

Fortunately now all is okay. Yes I am in a new place to where I grew up, but this area is now home, its where my children will grow up. when we drive back into Woodley, I feel relaxed I feel at ease and familiar I feel, 'ahhh I'm home'. I know what is around me. On the house chores side of it, I am no longer stressing, I am on top of it all once a day is done I sit on the sofa with a sense of achievement feeling like I have just climbed mount Everest and won the FA cup all in one day. All in all I am so happy, I'm so happy I have moved and I am so happy my attitude towards moving changed. Me and my mum get a long so much better too!


Its crazy how much your life can change and how your views can change but if I have one bit of advice to others, if you feel an urge to do something like chase your dreams or a change in your views don't fight it go with it, it is part of you evolving and is a growth of your life and your character.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx