Obsessive desperation
I remember endless days on right move, I must have searched every area in Berkshire. At the beginning I had a clear image of what type of area I wanted and what type of place I wanted. I wanted a nice peaceful area a newish done place that was clean and ideal. I didn't want anywhere cramped either, the last thing I needed was to develop claustrophobia. I must have looked through hundreds of places and they were all out of price range or too far ect. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to throw my phone out the window, but I could afford the screen fixture.
This took a toll on me, my fuse had got shorter and the tears had increased. I had brought Ava home to my parents house after having her, which was understandable I was only young and single. Not that there is anything wrong with my parents but it weren't mine. And now id brought my second baby back to theirs. That was just not how I had seen my second childs homecoming being. I was in a relationship we were a family we should have had our own family home. I took this on my shoulders massively to be honest. I was their mum I should be providing a home for them not every other tom dick and harry. Though mum, dad I am ever so grateful you put a roof over our heads when I couldn't. I know Tom felt guilt over this but I know not as much as I did and it wasn't his fault, he was working his bum off, every hour everywhere bless him. I blamed myself. What had I done to try and get our girls their own home. This is why I believe I developed my obsession with property searching. And boy did it turn into an obsession.
I had lost sight of what I had envisioned for our first home. I was emailing all properties, not taking any notice of what they looked like. My goal became my goal and nothing else mattered, heck we didn't even have the deposit money but that didn't faze me I was asking for viewings with hope we could somehow get the deposit however it be. Not realistic no but for some reason I didn't believe it was unrealistic to me it was as real as the sun. I got Tommy to view places after work, he was knackered, but I wouldn't take no for an answer, I just had to be a good mum I had to find my girls their own home. Tommy would come home from these to be frank shit holes, he would tell me all about them, how disgusting they were how we wouldn't be going anywhere near them. I was devastated every time. I even accused Tom of lying, saying that he was saying they weren't nice because he didn't want to move in with me. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I found another place, but I insisted I go with Tom so I did, my obsession had got worse, I had to go with Tom now. We pulled up in some dodgy looking street, but still I was looking for all positives and wouldn't acknowledge the mountain of negatives. I can tell you this now as I can see it clearly but back then I couldn't see it through my blindness of obsession and desperation. The place was a wreck bars on the windows, really pokey, a kitchen with bits hanging off, rooms where tiny, it was a vile colour and it stunk to high heaven. Tommy hated it I could tell and I did too deep down but I wanted my own place so bad. So I tried to convince Tom of the positives tried to get him to see what the flat could have been like with a lot of work done, work that would have cost a fortune, money we didn't have but did do you think that bothered me? No. Realistically could I see myself Tom and the girls living there? No it was another shit hole. But I weren't thinking about that at the time my mind was focused and I wanted to secure the flat. Obsession had completely taken over me.
I needed someone to take control over me before I did something I'd later regret like moving into one of the roughest flats. Two days after viewing I had put down a holding fee. Still had no deposit. What the fuck was all that about. Tom however was having second thoughts and rightly so he new it was disgusting and we shouldn't live there. He called it off and got the holding fee back. I was furious, the obsessive bitch inside of me wanted to explode. And she did but surprisingly not with anger, I must have cried so much that day I could have created a whole new river Thames. Now I cant thank Tommy enough for doing that he saved us from living in a pit and I'm so ashamed I went that far to nearly make us live in somewhere so unsuitable. I had started off my moving out goal to give my children their own beautiful safe home and in the end I was doing it because, I felt like I needed something so desperately and I felt like I needed to accomplish my goal so desperately.
After that incident Tom got tougher he had too. It shocked me too and I realised every thing it was like the slap in the face I needed in order to snap out of it and rid the obsession, so I don't regret finding that place because if I didn't my obsession may have got worse. I calmed down a lot thankfully though I still searched a lot I weren't as bad. I come round to thinking it will happen eventually. For a while things were calm, until I started bubbling again and that right move app started opening more, to be honest it was teasing me sitting there on my phone. I could feel that black hole opening again and I was so frightened of the obsession repeating itself.
I believe that obsession and desperation are also a sign of depression. Depression is made up of a lot and are believe these are part of it. I want you to know that if your feeling desperate about something, obsessive about something that you don't want or need to be obsessive about I want you to know that your not alone I've been there I've rode that part out and for me it was the most scary bit of the depression (not that I knew I was suffering with it at the time). But I got through it with the love and support of family who snapped me back to reality. You will too, on the whole its a minor part of the depression journey, but its one I thought I would make people aware of.
Thanks for reading
Watch out for the next My Mind And Me next week
Until next time
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
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