My Mind And Me - Who's Me?

Who's Me ?

New place, new surroundings and new people it was all new, That obviously didn't change when it come to my health visitor. She had arranged to come round to my mine to get to know me and the children  and get together some background information. Sounded great to me as I was dreading walking into a completely new clinic where I didn't know a soul. On the day I tidied around and made the flat look as presentable as I could. My nerves where playing up big time, I was and still am surprised I didn't have a panic attack. When she arrived she seemed friendly and I instantly calmed down a lot and thought to myself ' I had nothing to worry about '. She soon went on her way after arranging her next visit.

I was buzzing for the next visit I wasn't nervous I was calm and collected. I assumed the she was going to  be the same I mean why wouldn't she? But when she arrived she acted totally different, sure she kept up her friendliness, she has to she's a health visitor  but she was so pushy and insistent, I felt my nerves coming back and I was getting anxious for her to leave, I couldn't wait for the visit to be over. It was when she made me do a depression score sheet that she was really rubbing salt into the wound, I had known her five minuets I didn't want her judging me, which is what she did. Straight after she looked at it she shoved about 101 leaflets in my lap, I mean come on that's the last thing I needed she then said I should go counselling and out came the golden  line, I could put you through the mental health team. WHAT?!? I know depression comes under that but why when I can just go to counselling would you then threaten me with that aswell, I hated them two words. Made me sound crazy and it wasn't like she polite about it either. Not only that she was pushing and pushing me to get Ava started in another nursery, as if its just as easy as that. She has just found out im a bit depressed and instead of respected my decisions she wants to push and push me into stuff. Grr. When she left I wanted to dance around the flat because I was so happy, happy at the fact she had pissed off, not happy at what she had said or the way her attitude was.

For the next few days what she said was whirling around In my head, I felt as if I was mental, with that I felt as though I didn't know myself anymore and I also wondered if I was coming across mental. I know I may have exaggerated my reaction slightly but to me it really did effect me like that, I don't know why. It got me so down. I was asking all members of my family if they thought I was mental how I come across and all sorts infact I was that annoying they probably wanted to boot me out the door. I don't think I had ever felt that disconnected from myself as I did in that week or so after she had been. The best way I can describe it is I felt like my head was split in half one side was the normal me and the other side the depressed me, I felt like both sided had separated themselves from each other. The normal side of my brain looking at the other side saying who the hell are you and the depressed side being quiet and not knowing how to answer. I was torn. Leading me not to know what to think about myself. Yes the old me was still inside somewhere but there was this massive part of me that was depressed and it was taking over me slowly, this to me alien side of me was becoming more prominent.

It did start getting too much for me and it left me saying to myself I HAVE to do something about this. If I don't then I'm going to end up too consumed by depression. My first step was getting to know it, get to know my depression, How did I do that? I sorted out the 8 week course of counselling, done by talking therapies. I knew then that once I had got to know my depression and become friends with it then I can finally figure out why it is there, that's the next step. Finding out why it was there wasn't just a why it was also to understand it because if I understood my depression then I would finally understand myself. Then step three, giving it the boot or more like supressing it because we all know you can give depression the boot but it will always come back for a visit every now and then no matter how long its been a way.

Next week I will be talking a bout step one in the journey to tackle my depression

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Changes Children Bring

10 Things Children Change

 

 

So this morning as I am sitting there eating my poor excuse of a breakfast when I took the opportunity to think, as a mum you have to grab 5 minuets where you can. I thought about the little things you don't usually realise day to day.

 

Breakfast - Ahh the most important meal of the day. I remember the days of fresh hot toast burning tea and cereal that still holds a crunch that you can have when you want and at your leisure. These days I have to eat at the crack of dawn, and it takes me so long to eat it I have to put up with cold floppy toast, cement like porridge, soggy cereal and luke warm tea. But hey its the most important meal of the day so I got to eat it right?

 

 

Toileting - You can bet your life whether it be a number one 1 or number 2 you will have an audience that's  of course if you haven't sprinted to the toilet and shut the door before the audience have got seated. In this case you will stay there for as long as possible this is your quiet place now. Gone are the days of a peaceful wee with the door open! Toilets used to be a place you couldn't get out of quick enough now you stay in there an extra ten minuets.

 

 

Possessions - It used to be that all your things would stay neatly in one place. You would know exactly where everything was. Now that is no longer the case, your possessions are no longer yours and yours only and you no longer know where  things are, its a game of hide and seek whenever you need anything, and chances are whatever it is, it will be jam covered when  you find it.

 

 

Laying Down - Now as silly as this one sounds I can't be the only one. Laying down used to be a relaxing time where you could gather your thoughts. Not anymore mummy dear. You become a human trampoline and a target for BUNDLE. And I don't know what your thoughts are but a child can sniff out and relaxed adult lying down from miles away.

 

 

Phone - You remember a time when your mobile phone would be pristine. No scratches, no cracks and perfectly clean, and the only apps it would have where those of social media and necessities. Yes ladies and gentleman this is not sacred either. Get used to scratched up phones broken screens (you will be getting them fixed every week this costs a fortune) sticky buttons and every cbeebies app going!

 

 

Food - Remember sitting down with a nice plate of dinner thinking how on earth am I going to eat all that? Well guess what that is not an issue for me any more. You can guarantee no matter how much my children have ate no matter how much of their dinner has gone you can bet your life there will always be room for mine.

 

 

Talking to yourself - Okay so yeah this does sound like a weird one, but that's only because you never noticed it before. In everyday life you make little comments to yourself, little statements and you never really notice it. But believe me with a child you do, they listen to everything, they can hear you and once they do a thousand questions will be put at you about the most pointless statement you said to yourself. But they don't care how pointless it was, they will carry on leading you to feeling like you are be interrogated.

 

 

Sitting of the sofa - Hard day? sit back relax on your sofa it looks like a cloud of pure softness ready for your bum to take the plunge, that is until OUCH. Yep you have probably just sat on a Barbie,  building block, toy car ect. you get my point you can no longer just kick back with out inspecting your seating first.

 

 

Drinks - You know 5 years ago I would pour myself out a drink and there would be wastage where I hadn't drunk it all. These days I don't have that problem but jheez kids I would like some. Turns out when there are children  around you cannot turn your back on your drink for 5 minuets, chances are if you do it won't be there when you look back.

 

Eating Chocolate - Chocolate bar? Just make sure you eat it in the other room or behind a book or something. Believe me if they catch you, you will be in big trouble, eating chocolate without them how dare you? you will then be obliged to give them the rest.

 

 

 

Fair to say kids change a lot! Nothing will ever be the same again but personally I wouldn't have it any other way, what are a few alterations in my life when I am privileged to have two girls as awesome as mine!

 

Until next time

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

 



Therapy & Bestfriends

image from pinterest

 

 

Sometimes we all get caught up in our own lives and don't realise what we all need is just a chat or hug with our close ones. With my depression I see my GP every few weeks and I take my antidepressants medications each day without fail and hopefully starting CBT soon and I have the best support around me who is Bethany.

 

If I wake up feeling down, depression, not wanting to get out of my bedroom and speak to anyone I will always text Beth each morning and tell her and just by telling her how I feel helps so much. When I am at hers and feeling down, she always asks me how I am or if there is anything she can do for me and I think people forget that is mostly all we need to make us feel abit better. Just a simple text asking how you are means literally so much. Most of my family are constantly putting me down, not believing depression and never ask the simplest of all questions " How are you". Last week I was in Essex at Beth's and my Depression was not good but it was the most happiest I've felt in ages. Beth does the little things but I don't think she realises how big those little things means. For example making me toast and tea in the morning to make sure I do not have my morning medication on an empty stomach, texts me once we are all in bed to make sure I am okay, asking me throughout the day how I am and always asking if I need anything. The other night face to face Beth said to me " How is your depression going at the moment and how do you feel" and literally I was so shocked it was someone close to me asking me that and not someone in the NHS. By Beth saying that it really made me think how lucky I am that not only have I have an amazing sister in law but also how I have a best friend out of her and my brother relationship. If my Brother didn't meet Beth then I wouldn't have a best friend right now helping me and supporting me.

 

Last week with Beth we didn't do much like activity wise but we chilled, watched Celebrity Big Brother, Had chats and a cuppa, got ready and done make up together and went through lots of Desperate Housewives Box Set on sky and literally I had the best time. To me that was like a therapy session that lasted for 7 days. I think we all need to look close to home and realise we need to be asking the simplest of questions to our close ones. Do we really know how our love ones really are? I've hid depression for years and years with hardly anyone knowing or even noticing so that just proves people can be hiding so much. When I go to the doctors it is nice to be ask how you are. The GP generally wants to know how you are, how your moods are and if you feel any better and I do feel a lot better after coming out of the doctors. When you know people generally are looking out for you, have your best interests in their heart, supports you and never judges that does make whatever your going through a little bit easier. I am so thankful for Beth and I don't think she realises. If anyone close to you simply asks a simple question then maybe ask them it back or tell them how much they mean to you and how much they are helping you.

 

So thank you to my sister in law for being my therapist last week and it is only a few weeks till I see her again... for my next therapy appointment ha!!

 

Love Katie x  

Baby Blues

Having a baby is I would say the best feeling in the world, there's nothing that could top it. As a woman you feel this little life grow and develop inside of you for hopefully the full nine months, you are there evey step of the way. Eating, drinking, breathing for that little life growing inside of you protecting it the best you can. So that moment when you finally meet your baby that you have been attached to for so long, is the most special moment you will experience. With this you feel bucket loads of joy and happiness, feeling like nothing in the world could touch you and bring you down. 

With a new baby comes lots of excited family members and friends that too cannot wait to meet the new addition. And too right they should be excited and how normal is their eagerness to come and see you and baby. It's lovely showing off and sharing your newborn with those closest and those that care. The thing is no one really keeps and close eye on the mother in all this, sure midwives and health visitors are checking the mother over, but family members, friends, don't really pay attention to the mother. How's she is feeling, her emotions I mean it's a big deal what she has been through. The love and connection with her and her baby is also a big deal she may start feeling a bit emotional with all the commotion so I have a message based on my personal experience that all new mothers can relate too... 

It's not unusual to be laughing and then be in tears the next and maybe biting someone's head off five minuets later, it's also not unusual to wanna pick your newborn up and take him/her away for five for a moment of being just you two. Because for nine months it has just been you two. These are just the baby blues and are completely normal feelings. Some people unfortun will not understand, you need to sit them down and tell them, tell them that everything's a bit Much, that you can't help the way you are feeling and that it's not your fault, because believe me it's not your fault it's the normal emotions of a new mum no matter what number baby. People will understand if you explain, you just have to be open and honest. 

With all the visitors and little helpers you get just "lending a hand" or "giving you a break" doing things for your baby you may start to feel unable or not good enough to do things for your baby, like everyone else can do it better. This is completely normal too, remember you can your the best person to be doing things for your child no one can top you in their eyes. 

These people are just only trying to help and are excited about the new arrival but if you do need anyone to back off then just explain politely how you are feeling and to back down a little and they will, they will understand. 

The important thing to remember is that jthese are just the baby blues will only last for a few days, this don't mean you will get post at depression, however if your still this way for weeks then maybe speak to your health visitor or family members. 

I've had a touch of the baby blues myself I was an emotional roller coaster but once I opened up I felt better. And they are now thankfully gone and I am back to my old self. 

Talking really helps, trust me. 

Lots Of Love 

Beth...xxx