Who's Me ?
New place, new surroundings and new people it was all new, That obviously didn't change when it come to my health visitor. She had arranged to come round to my mine to get to know me and the children and get together some background information. Sounded great to me as I was dreading walking into a completely new clinic where I didn't know a soul. On the day I tidied around and made the flat look as presentable as I could. My nerves where playing up big time, I was and still am surprised I didn't have a panic attack. When she arrived she seemed friendly and I instantly calmed down a lot and thought to myself ' I had nothing to worry about '. She soon went on her way after arranging her next visit.
I was buzzing for the next visit I wasn't nervous I was calm and collected. I assumed the she was going to be the same I mean why wouldn't she? But when she arrived she acted totally different, sure she kept up her friendliness, she has to she's a health visitor but she was so pushy and insistent, I felt my nerves coming back and I was getting anxious for her to leave, I couldn't wait for the visit to be over. It was when she made me do a depression score sheet that she was really rubbing salt into the wound, I had known her five minuets I didn't want her judging me, which is what she did. Straight after she looked at it she shoved about 101 leaflets in my lap, I mean come on that's the last thing I needed she then said I should go counselling and out came the golden line, I could put you through the mental health team. WHAT?!? I know depression comes under that but why when I can just go to counselling would you then threaten me with that aswell, I hated them two words. Made me sound crazy and it wasn't like she polite about it either. Not only that she was pushing and pushing me to get Ava started in another nursery, as if its just as easy as that. She has just found out im a bit depressed and instead of respected my decisions she wants to push and push me into stuff. Grr. When she left I wanted to dance around the flat because I was so happy, happy at the fact she had pissed off, not happy at what she had said or the way her attitude was.
For the next few days what she said was whirling around In my head, I felt as if I was mental, with that I felt as though I didn't know myself anymore and I also wondered if I was coming across mental. I know I may have exaggerated my reaction slightly but to me it really did effect me like that, I don't know why. It got me so down. I was asking all members of my family if they thought I was mental how I come across and all sorts infact I was that annoying they probably wanted to boot me out the door. I don't think I had ever felt that disconnected from myself as I did in that week or so after she had been. The best way I can describe it is I felt like my head was split in half one side was the normal me and the other side the depressed me, I felt like both sided had separated themselves from each other. The normal side of my brain looking at the other side saying who the hell are you and the depressed side being quiet and not knowing how to answer. I was torn. Leading me not to know what to think about myself. Yes the old me was still inside somewhere but there was this massive part of me that was depressed and it was taking over me slowly, this to me alien side of me was becoming more prominent.
It did start getting too much for me and it left me saying to myself I HAVE to do something about this. If I don't then I'm going to end up too consumed by depression. My first step was getting to know it, get to know my depression, How did I do that? I sorted out the 8 week course of counselling, done by talking therapies. I knew then that once I had got to know my depression and become friends with it then I can finally figure out why it is there, that's the next step. Finding out why it was there wasn't just a why it was also to understand it because if I understood my depression then I would finally understand myself. Then step three, giving it the boot or more like supressing it because we all know you can give depression the boot but it will always come back for a visit every now and then no matter how long its been a way.
Next week I will be talking a bout step one in the journey to tackle my depression
Until next time
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
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