My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Follow us on Twitter @Essextowindsor
Follow us on Instagram Essextowindsor
Follow Us on Snapchat bjaynexx


 

Overcoming A Fear

For as long as I can remember I have always had a massive fear of public transport (Trains, tubes, buses ect) and escalators. It started when I went to Disneyland Paris and went on the euro star. I can clearly remember crying my eyes out at the top of the escalator because I was very scared to get on it, after many family members helping me I finally managed to do it but since then it has been a massive thing to my life and turned into a fear. 

image from pinterest

Years ago I used to travel to see my Father in Bristol and the way I got there was using a Coach. This is a 2 hours journey with no stops and every time I used to be so scared and cried on the coach until I came off. Its the people, being in a small space and knowing I can't just walk off that scares me the most. I used to do this journey a lot of times and each time it got worse and I am kinda glad now I don't do this anymore. Then the train/tube fear started as I had a boyfriend who lives in Essex so i used to travel up there which was one hell of a nightmare of a journey. i had to walk 20 minutes into town for a bus which dropped me off at Victoria station in London then from there it was like 3 different trains/tubes and it was a nightmare. Every second of that journey I would be shaking and having panic attacks but luckily me and this guy didn't last long so that journey was no more. Few times a year myself and my family go up to London for days out ect and each time the fear of trains gets worse and also being with family actually makes me worse as weirdly I prefer to travel alone. Now Buses isn't much of a big deal to be honest as the ones I use to go on/go on are local so I know the whole route but I still do panic a lot. Each journey I go on I have to study the route, the stops, the times and I would have to be at least 20/30 minutes early as I had it in my mind that I would always miss bus/train. 

But this year I have HAD to overcome this fear and it was very hard indeed but I cannot tell you how this has changed my life. So now my Brother, Bethany and Nieces lives in Essex and I don't drive it has meant there only way to get up to Essex is via the train and tube. When I first took this journey I was bloody nervous, sick, anxious and panicked so much even though my Mother was with me for the first few trips. As I said before I feel better traveling alone and I hate people being too close to me. 

I can finally say I LOVE trains and tubes now haha and I look forward to the journey alone. I don't think I would of gotten over this fear if I didn't have to go to Essex to be honest but i am so glad I have got over this. Okay I admit of course naturally I do worry and panic still but that is because I now have two chronic illnesses that need to take time and care and planning ahead when traveling but the fear has gone. The way I have got rid of this fear is simply by traveling on transport a lot which may sound stupid but it has worked. Here how I have helped this fear go and tips on what I do to get through each journey...


- Prepare/Plan Ahead. This helps a lot. I make sure I know the train times, book taxi to take me to station early and get on the train early a possible so I can sit down and relax.

- Don't forget water. This might sound stupid but a bottle of water is essential.Obviously for my medications but keep hydrated and it keeps you relax and calm. 

- My little bags of essentials. So I have a make up bag which includes these items : wet wipes, tissues, mirror, my medication, powder, concealer, lipstick/lip liner, a pen, my charger and notepad. All these items do come in handy. I like to sit and write when I'm on the way to Waterloo as it is a 50 mins journey so I just write down whatever is on my mind.  

- Be Comfortable. My white converse, jeans and comfy top are my travel clothes of choice all the time. Converses on the tube are NEEDED. Plus a lot of walking around to tube stops ect so if you're comfortable then it is another thing off your mind. 

Those are a few things that have helped me. Obviously I still get anxious but the panic attacks are not often as they used to be on transport. Now thinking how kind of easy it was to overcome this fear it made me think why didn't I do this years ago when I was younger and used to go out more than I do now but ah well. Have any of you had similar fear or the same? Do you recommend anymore tips that you think will help me? Let me know. 

Love Katie 
xx 

Katie's Health Update #5

Pics from my last operation.

Opps!! Its been well over a month since I done my last update here. I have honestly had so much going on that I have forgotten lol!! So my last update I told you all that I was getting ready for my next operation on the 29th January and I posted about it here. Click on that link to hear more but without going into too much detail it hurt so much, the actual operation and recovery itself was so painful. I get the results from this operation and my operation in December on 20th Feb so soon which I shall keep you all updated on. 



I also had my back specialist appointment few days before my last operation and I didn't get any answers I thought I would of gotten. The specialist I never seen her before and in all honesty I didn't like her, she didn't ask much questions, didn't read my notes properly and basically she has forward me to another specialist. That is only problem with my back people is that I never see the same person which is annoying. The first person I saw who is my actual main doctor for back she was brilliant but I never saw her again. My back is same and as always getting worse, it was a year the other day that I started getting this pain and nothing has really been done, I've just been given loads of medications and I feel abit fed up. So lets hope the other specialist they have referred to can give me answers. 

Bandage.. rather attractive haha 

Another thing that has recently started.. Few weeks ago I started getting pain and aches in my right wrist and just put it down to slept funny on it/cold weather but it was getting worse and seeing as I had a doctors app the week after it started I thought I would mention it to him. He has given me some gel and told to apply a bandage type on which helps alot but have to go back next time I go to see if any better if not he going to do a xray. He said it might be related to my back problems which is why he wants to keep an eye on it. The gel doesn't seem to do anything to be honest as I don't notice the pain go when I apply it. Sometimes the bandage helps alot and sometimes it makes it worse. It's something I never really suffered with and because it is my right hand as seeing as Im a righty I think it makes it worse because naturally I use that hand more. Its made simple tasks seem harder. I hope it just a pain that will go soon to be honest. I went bowling the other weekend for Beth's mum birthday and no idea how but I won bowling even though I was in alot of pain with my wrist and back lol 


I didn't know whether to write about this because it quite personal but I thought I might help someone. I was first diagnosed with Depression 10 years ago this year and while at my last doctor check up, the doctor just randomly ask me how I was feeling? and I sort of poured my heart out to him and thought I might aswel be honest to him. He is a newish doctor to me but I trust him as he has been so good with my back. I've been feeling depressed, anxiety and getting alot of panic attacks over the past few months, although I had all above for ages but recently it has got worse and I didn't want to admit it. The doctor booked a double appointment for the next week to speak more, so I went to the appointment and weirdly I opened up easily. He suggested talking therapy but its something I don't feel that would help at the moment, I've had therapy on/off since I was 12 so I didn't feel like it would help right now. Im not saying it doesn't help because it does but in my life right now I don't feel like its for me. I have Beth in my life now who I can talk to about everything so I know she is sort of my way of "therapy". So he suggested going back on Anti Depressant and at first I was like Hmmm... But think I thought to myself there is no harm of trying them again, I've been on so many types but my life is alot different now so why not give them ago. He has prescribed me ones that I was on few years ago and ones that are safe for me as Im on a few other medication. So I only been on them a week and obviously from previous years I know they take ages to kick in so I can't say much about them. I urge anyone who feels low or down to tell your doctor, I wished I done it months ago to be honest. Just telling your doctor takes a massive weight of your shoulders. 

image from pinterest.

Another thing that I haven't told the doctor about but Im going to mention it because its turning me into an emotional wreck. I've been having Insomnia for so long now. I haven't told doctors as I thought it would go but its getting too much now. I have tried so much to help but nothing seems to work. I could have the busiest weekend and still not sleep arghhhhh. 

That's all for my #5 health update, I will do it next month in the first week rather than leaving it for so long like last time. opps! Got my bowel specialist on Friday so hopefully I will get some answers :) 

Love Katie x 

Twitter - Instagram 

Katie's Health Update #3

I'm so sorry I haven't been doing my health update weekly. Life and routine went abit pear shape if you read our blog update here you will understand abit more. 

My health has defiantly got alot worse lately and getting very frustrated with still not hearing from the pshyio and also my specialist who was meant to contact me about a new medication to put me on as I was taken off Amitriptyline well over a month ago now so am purely just on painkillers. Obviously painkillers have alot of impact on your body so November wasn't a great month. I had alot of flare ups and also alot of bad days of awful neck pain. I invested in a neck pillow a week ago and its been like heaven. Another random and new thing is that Im suffering so much with INSOMNIA since November. Its getting too much now and Im going to the doctors soon to see if they can help. Im going days without any sleep at all and days where I feel so unhuman its ridiculous. 

I found out last week that on 24th December (YES XMAS EVE) I have an operation which is for my bowels. I was kind of hoping it would be this year as I've been waiting ages but sooo soon to Christmas isn't idea. Luckily I have zero plans for Christmas day and have a massive phobia of Christmas its self so I didn't mind. The other date was late March next year but I wanted it out of the way and done with as the recovery isn't pleasant. I've had the same op last September and wasn't given the right advice and medication to heal and recover which is one of the reasons it needs re doing but I need to go on an soft food diet for at least 6/8 weeks after which last year I did stick to very well and cut out so many food but this year I slowly started eating the food again but I'm the person who can easily give up anything. So porridge, soap and lots of flavored water will be my best friend over the next few month. 

I'm actually due to see my Specialist anyways for an update I have every 6 months but haven't heard. Im going to see my GP next Monday for my normal update but He was pretty pissed off with my Specialist last time I went as he tried ages to even get through to her on the phone so next week I hope something can be sorted. Im sort of feeling like because Im young they aint taking this very serious. At the beginning I cant fault them as they was amazingly good but it is almost like they stuck me on certain meds and thought now do one. Obviously that certain med done sod all. I hate having to rely on Co Codamol and Tramadol!! And I would wish to have one night, morning or even a few hours of being pain free it would be amazing. I now dread days out where I know I will be walking alot as I spend the night in pain after, I dread car journeys and Im bloody dreading the operation not actually for the actual op but because I can't just get up and move whenever I feel pain and Im scared I wont get the meds I need. Arghhh!!

My Panic attacks and Anxiety levels are crazily high at the moment. I think because of current stuff happening lately and my health getting crap, my anxiety goes mental. Other day me and My mother went shopping, we got the bus there and I freaked out about everything, The busy shops, too many people around me and even getting panic about my Mother walking or being too close to me. Im getting easily and more stressed out over little things like my bedroom not being tidy and over Christmas pressie not being brought ect. 


Im very thankful for having my Mother around lately. She is currently not well so she is home most of the time so having her here helps alot. She does me hot water bottles, makes me lots of teas, dinner and keeps me company when Im down. I don't think she realizes how much of a help she is to me. I shall keep you all updated on my next GP visit and also my operation ekkkkkk nervous.


Love Katie 
xx

Getting Depression Again?

Am I getting depression again?

I've suffered with Depression throughout my childhood, teenager years and early adult years so I know every sign possible. I've gone to every type of therapy and counselling possible and also been on many anti depression medication. But since 2012, I haven't been on any anti depression tablets and I attended Therapy early 2012 but I stopped going because I felt like it wasn't working and I wanted to try and get on with my life without any therapy or meds ect. So I would say I haven't been depressed for many of years but obviously I have suffered with feeling down alot but how do you stop classing it as feeling down and class it as depression? 

This year has been the best but also the worse year. My Brother got engaged, him and Beth are expecting a baby girl very soon, I've had some amazing memories with My Niece Ava and other memories with family which has made this year amazing but also I've had the worse luck with my health with being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, having problems with my bowels which has resulted in me having an operation on 24th December this year and also problems with my Womb/Lady stuff so that has been really hard to deal and cope with. 

Obviously everyone is entitled to have there down days but lately I had more down days than any good days which has made me think am I suffering with depression again? I don't want to go back on Medication as Im on alot of medication at the mo due to my back condition and I don't want to have anymore and also the side effect to more anti depression aint nice and I can do without them. When Beth lived here it was like having a therapist to talk to every night and I would bore her with my rants and random talks but since Beth has moved back to Essex I obviously haven't spoken to her like I use to which I think is one of the reasons I think Im suffering with depression again. Having someone to talk to is a MASSIVE help and sometimes it is just as helpful as medication. When I go to my next monthly update with my GP I will mention this to him and how I am feeling because I really want to go into 2015 feeling a good as possible. I know I will never be 100% happy because being ill mostly every single minute makes it impossible to feel happy but I would like to be at least 60% happy instead of like 20% happy I feel lately. 

Depression is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I accept I will more than likely get depression throughout my life. I suffer badly with Anxiety and panic attacks which at the moment Im getting really bad Anxiety so much!! Shopping, busy places and being alone is freaking me out lately. Previous years I have ignored going to the doctors to get help and it has ended up getting worse and worse but Im determined to get help and to get better ASAP. 

I will update and write another post when I have been to the doctors and maybe will give tips on how to get better ect. 

Love Katie 
xx