My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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My Mind And Me - Three Sides To Me

Three Sides To Me

It was the little things that made all the difference. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. It didn't take much to make me happy but then it didn't take much to make me pissed off either. I supposed pissed off was a light way to describe it. More like severe dramatic over reacting fucked off. Then you had the middle of the spectrum which peered its head up every now and then but not that much. Sadness. Pure sadness. I don't mean sad in general I mean I would get sad about things, simple things, like Tommy going to work.

You know what I don't even  know if it was sadness, more like pure desperation. I remember some mornings I would lay there hoping his alarm wouldn't go off so he would miss work, heck it did cross my mind to turn his alarm off. But I never did. We lived with my mum in Essex and he had to travel to Berkshire to work everyday, leaving at 5am and sometimes not returning till 7pm maybe later. So you could understand why I was so desperate to keep him at home with me, it felt like I hardly saw him during the week. I started to resent his work, and him I guess. I felt like he didn't want to be home. He did and he did want to be around me he was just doing what he could to support us. I can see that now. But at the time I was blinded by what my mind was telling me, because that's what it was something in my mind twisting the truth. Having the girls to look after everyday kept me afloat if not I think I could have been your classic lay in a dark room all day depressive. But of course I wasn't depressed. I didn't think so.

Like I said there were different sides of this and unfortunately I have to express them to you. Only that way you can get an understanding of what my head must have been like, only I now can understand myself after I've read what I've wrote and I lived it. Anyway back to topic. So I had done the whole waking up, sad desperation wishing I had Tom staying home. And yes I have had the paranoia where I was scared he was going to leave me, the hundreds of texts I sent just to check if we were okay. Yes I was a  nightmare I know but don't tell me you ladies haven't done something similar depression, anxiety  ect or not. But anyway the paranoia speaks for itself not much to say on  that. Evening would come around I would feed the girls and bath them  by myself, when I was lucky Tom would be home to just make bath time but that weren't often, of course that weren't his fault it was depending on what time work finished and the bloody traffic on the m25 (shitty road). Now incase you haven't gathered by now, my third post, my mind wasn't of normal thinking. Yes that's right you guessed it. He was in the wrong. My blood boiling, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of escaping me (wouldn't have blamed him) must have been running through his head. I am clever I noticed it. By now I had rehearsed my argument 5 times in my head already. By the time that car pulled up I was all fired up and ready to go! Of course silent treatment HAD to occur first (I'm still a woman), he needed to know something was wrong though by now he was probably expecting it. You know weirdly when my well rehearsed argument actually left my lips it made no bloody sense. What the fuck? It was perfect I had a point, he should be on his knees saying sorry (for what? who the hell knows) but he wasn't he was laughing at me  and calling out my shit points. Of course that would end up with me going well into one storming about and locking myself in bathroom after slamming the door pretending to go for the longest wee in history. These matters would resolve themselves but they would soon reoccur.

Of course there was a happier side to my mind! Like I said I was very easy to make happy too. I lived for children and something else, the weekends! We were all together, as a family. The man I had missed so terribly all week was home I was going to make the most of them days. We would just make little trips to Asda to get Bellas jars, or just to browse round but to me it would be the most special time. It would make me smile so much. And I would be so content. I loved it when  we were all together. On a really good weekend when we had the money, Id get my eyebrows done, I would get replacement leggings, you girls will know the hassle with the holes that primark leggings ALWAYS produce. Now these days I would be ecstatic. No I weren't going anywhere fancy, no I weren't buying the next designer thing, but I was with the people I cared about the most  and I was treating myself to a little something. Could you imagine what I was like if we went out for a meal I was like a child hyped up of thousands of sweets. Like I said it didn't take a lot to set of that smile, just like it didn't take a lot to set off them tears  and the rage.

There were so many days I thought Tommy was going to throw in the towel, and he probably did think about it once or twice or even more. But he never did. He is still by my side, I think I still take him a bit for granted but writing it out like this really opens my eyes. I don't think I could have stuck it out with me like that so I really see clearly how lucky I am, Tommy is my rock I love him dearly and he is always there for me. Thank you Tom. Thank you so much.

This like my other two posts is only a part of my story, I hope you stick with me so I can take you through my journey, maybe even for some of you to relate too. My inbox (twitter) is always there.

Look out for my mind and me part 4 next week.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Where We Have Been

So we haven't been blogging a lot over the past few months which we have valid reasons for but hopefully soon we should at least have one post up per week.

Ava & Bella loving their new home :)

Where we have been?
Me (Katie) well my illnesses haven't been too good lately to the point where I haven't opened up my laptop in ages. My Colitis flare up has no sign of settling down and I am still waiting for an appointment with the Gastro ward. The fatigue is getting the better of me. My painkillers dose has been upped which obviously comes with more side effects so I am like a zombie pretty much most of the day.

Bethany .. welll things have finally gone to plan for her and my Brother and they now are living in Berkshire so we live in the same county finally and their place is about 20 minutes away. It all happened so fast that they had just under two weeks to buy everything for the flat and pack everything up. So on the 19th October Beth, my Brother and most of both of our families all came together to help move in. For the past year they have had bad luck when it comes to finding a place to rent so it was all hush hush when they got the go ahead to move as they didn't want to temp fate.

So things have been abit manic lately and this weekend will be even more manic as on Saturday Beth and Tom are having a little housewarming party/get together, Sunday myself, Beth, Tommy and the girls are off to Harry potter Tour and then on Monday it is Bethany's 22nd Birthday and as Tommy will be working, I am staying the night before so I can spend the day with her and go for lunch and obviously a Costa. Once this weekend is over then I will hopefully well I WILL be seeing Beth least once a week and hopefully most weekends. I shall take my laptop over to hers and as she lives next to Costa we shall be having a blogging costa date most weeks haha.

I have energy for the first time today and I guess the medication and coffee is to thank for that. So I am going to try and write a few posts so I can put them up next week :) Hope you are all well :)

Love Katie xx  

Katie's Health Update #9

So my last health update was only a few a weeks ago here but since then I have a few things to update you all on.

COLITIS
Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital for a check up and instead of the appointment being under the Gastroenterology clinic, it was under the general surgery clinic which I didn't understand why to be honest and nor did the Doctor. Luckily the doctor I saw is someone I have been under for nearly 3 years now so she knew my history and what was going on. She looked at my report from my last colonoscopy and explained where my Colitis is and told me a lot more than I ever have been told. I explained to her how I don't think Asacol are doing much for me anymore and my flare up is so unbearable at the moment. She wrote me out a prescription for Steroids (not sure what they called) and has put me under the Gastroenterology department and for them to see me urgent/in few weeks time. I took my Mother with me and I am glad to be honest as it is always different from a doctor explaining my condition rather than me. So although my flare up is bad at the moment, my fatigue is horrible, still loosing weight and eyes are being affected but I felt like finally the hospital are doing something about it. 

ARTHRITIS
My Gabapentin medication have been upped to 300mg and the side effects from the 200mg was affecting me a lot so now it is higher the side effects are worse. The side effects are worth it to be honest as the medication itself does help with my back pain. I get  days where my back is in bits and then days where it is manageable with painkillers but never a day where I am not in pain. Over the past few weeks the pain has been going back of bum, legs and near my hips which happens every now and then. When the weather gets cold my Arthritis plays up a lot so although I love the cold weather, I am not looking forward to it.
  
ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/PANIC ATTACKS
My depression hasn't been good to be honest, I've had more down days than up days this month. My GP has upped my Sertraline to 200mg and have referred me to an Psychiatrist. My GP explained that because he has upped my dose of Antidepressants and I haven't heard back from Therapy than he feels that me being seen by an Psychiatrist will be more helpful than waiting for an Therapist appointment. I told him how the more pain I get with both of my illnesses that the more depressed I feel and as I can't control any of my illnesses/they wont get cured that I feel like I need to learn how to control my depression ASAP. As for my Anxiety that is always there in the back on my mind in some way or another. Whether if I am not in an anxious place, I will always feel on edge. I wrote a post HERE about fear and Guilt of an Chronic Illness and in this post I explained what fear I have lately and part of that is feeling anxious. As for my Panic Attacks, I haven't really been in any panicky environment to make me panic lately. I went to Essex at the beginning of August and obviously I've mentioned how I used to have a fear of trains ect and that is where my panic attacks started but I have gotten over the fear but I still do panic as I think it would be totally impossible of me to stop panicking while I am on the tube/train. My Brother picked me up on the way there and on the way back I got the tube and train back and luckily the tube was there quick and so was the train so I didn't have any time to panic.

OTHER
I wrote a post HERE about my Eye dramas over the past few weeks so read that if you want to know what happened. I am still on eye drops and to be honest the eye pain has gone but both of my eyes are still so red. The eye Doctor did explain how he was worried as people with Colitis/Ankylosing Spondylitis do get bad eyes so he did say he was going to send me to an specialist so I guess I shall have to wait for that appointment letter to come through. That's pretty much it for my health this month and I have no more appointments left for this month. In September I have Dietician which is to do with my Colitis as I am struggling with what to eat lately and then I have my Monthly GP app middle of the month.

I shall keep you all posted on how I get on with the Steroids for my Colitis which I haven't got yet as the chemist had to order them in. Also touch wood my eyes start to get better.

Love Katie xx  

Loosing Weight From Colitis

When I got diagnosed with Colitis, I wasn't even aware or thinking of what it would do to me physically and mentally. I never would of though the reason of me loosing two stone since May is because of my Colitis. I haven't been on any crazy diet or an major exercise routine, I simply have been having alot of trouble with what I can/can't eat. I have been struggling ALOT and I'm awaiting an appointment with a Dietitian as it has got to the point where I am constantly in pain/cramps. It is making me housebound and my anxiety is sky high when I'm out, which lately is becoming a rare occasion. I never ever realized what Colitis would do to be to be honest. I've had IBS since I was 14, so I have always known what a bowel disease is and obviously had similar symptoms with IBS but I wasn't expecting Colitis to make more of a impact to my life than my back condition does. 


So two stone is how much I have lost and its made alot of difference in my appearance which other people notice more than I do. I was never massive but I've always been "curvy" so it isn't like a massive deal but that two stone has made me drop a dress size but because my boobs have kept the same size, tops are still tight around my chest. FINALLY I am in size 14 jeans,for me this is literally amazing, I haven't been able to get into proper jeans since I was 17 because my belly bloats alot so I always have worn jegging type jeans/trousers which don't have a zip/buttons but I actually brought two proper jeans in the past few months from TK MAXX. Even though I cannot wear for a long time because of my bloating and cramps but it does make me feel so much better knowing I can wear jeans for once. Clothes are getting baggy and loose but luckily I like that loose fit tops with a skinny jeans look so I can still wear my tops. Usually loosing two stone to anyone is amazing but I don't know why but I'm not getting excited about it? Because I have lost it quickly down to an Illness it doesn't have them same feeling to if you lost it by exercise ect. The fatigue, lost of appetite, abdominal pains, cramping, bloating and bleeding are a daily symptom from this horrible Colitis and maybe that why I am not happy with loosing weight. I'm getting the comments like "I wish I could loose weight like you", "I wish I had Colitis" ect and those comments are really getting to me. This hasn't been my choice and when people say "Oh I Wish I could have Colitis", I just want to tell them how much it impacts on my life. How can anyone "wish" to have an chronic illnesses just because they want to loose abit of weight? Arghhh some people just haven't got a brain have they!! I have recently brought tops that I would never be brave enough to wear and I suppose the only good to come from this weight lost is that it has made me abit more confidence in my appearance. I have never ever been confident, happy with the way I look or been interested in fashion as I used to just wear clothes to hide my body. I have always worn the skinny jeans with a looser top as I think that suits my body shape the best but having larger boobs makes finding the right top hard. I have found some lovely tops from TK MAXX and H&M lately and even though I have only brought a few, it's making me want to buy more as I kind of feel okay about my body for once. Of course I would love to loose more as I am only human to want to loose more weight like most of us do? But right now I am concentrating on getting my Colitis under control. 


I am due to do an health update post as my last one is nearly a month ago here. Next Month (August) I have got a few appointments so I think I might wait til then to do my health update. I will do some more post relating to my Colitis as it has effected alot of day to day stuff ect. Hope you all are well :) 


Love Katie xx 

Overcoming A Fear

For as long as I can remember I have always had a massive fear of public transport (Trains, tubes, buses ect) and escalators. It started when I went to Disneyland Paris and went on the euro star. I can clearly remember crying my eyes out at the top of the escalator because I was very scared to get on it, after many family members helping me I finally managed to do it but since then it has been a massive thing to my life and turned into a fear. 

image from pinterest

Years ago I used to travel to see my Father in Bristol and the way I got there was using a Coach. This is a 2 hours journey with no stops and every time I used to be so scared and cried on the coach until I came off. Its the people, being in a small space and knowing I can't just walk off that scares me the most. I used to do this journey a lot of times and each time it got worse and I am kinda glad now I don't do this anymore. Then the train/tube fear started as I had a boyfriend who lives in Essex so i used to travel up there which was one hell of a nightmare of a journey. i had to walk 20 minutes into town for a bus which dropped me off at Victoria station in London then from there it was like 3 different trains/tubes and it was a nightmare. Every second of that journey I would be shaking and having panic attacks but luckily me and this guy didn't last long so that journey was no more. Few times a year myself and my family go up to London for days out ect and each time the fear of trains gets worse and also being with family actually makes me worse as weirdly I prefer to travel alone. Now Buses isn't much of a big deal to be honest as the ones I use to go on/go on are local so I know the whole route but I still do panic a lot. Each journey I go on I have to study the route, the stops, the times and I would have to be at least 20/30 minutes early as I had it in my mind that I would always miss bus/train. 

But this year I have HAD to overcome this fear and it was very hard indeed but I cannot tell you how this has changed my life. So now my Brother, Bethany and Nieces lives in Essex and I don't drive it has meant there only way to get up to Essex is via the train and tube. When I first took this journey I was bloody nervous, sick, anxious and panicked so much even though my Mother was with me for the first few trips. As I said before I feel better traveling alone and I hate people being too close to me. 

I can finally say I LOVE trains and tubes now haha and I look forward to the journey alone. I don't think I would of gotten over this fear if I didn't have to go to Essex to be honest but i am so glad I have got over this. Okay I admit of course naturally I do worry and panic still but that is because I now have two chronic illnesses that need to take time and care and planning ahead when traveling but the fear has gone. The way I have got rid of this fear is simply by traveling on transport a lot which may sound stupid but it has worked. Here how I have helped this fear go and tips on what I do to get through each journey...


- Prepare/Plan Ahead. This helps a lot. I make sure I know the train times, book taxi to take me to station early and get on the train early a possible so I can sit down and relax.

- Don't forget water. This might sound stupid but a bottle of water is essential.Obviously for my medications but keep hydrated and it keeps you relax and calm. 

- My little bags of essentials. So I have a make up bag which includes these items : wet wipes, tissues, mirror, my medication, powder, concealer, lipstick/lip liner, a pen, my charger and notepad. All these items do come in handy. I like to sit and write when I'm on the way to Waterloo as it is a 50 mins journey so I just write down whatever is on my mind.  

- Be Comfortable. My white converse, jeans and comfy top are my travel clothes of choice all the time. Converses on the tube are NEEDED. Plus a lot of walking around to tube stops ect so if you're comfortable then it is another thing off your mind. 

Those are a few things that have helped me. Obviously I still get anxious but the panic attacks are not often as they used to be on transport. Now thinking how kind of easy it was to overcome this fear it made me think why didn't I do this years ago when I was younger and used to go out more than I do now but ah well. Have any of you had similar fear or the same? Do you recommend anymore tips that you think will help me? Let me know. 

Love Katie 
xx 

Health : Operation Time

Ahhhh this week I'm having an operation!!! I wouldn't usually be so nervous as I've had many operations before but its only 5 weeks since my last operation so I'm pretty scared to be honest!! I've not long ago recovered from my last operation so in a few days Im going to be back into recovery mode. 




This operation is similar to my last operation but the recovery it totally different and also I don't know much about this op which sounds crazy but I got told via an letter few days after my last op so I haven't been to see my specialist to explain it all. I haven't had an pre op with my op in few days as it wasn't long since my last but I was sent with a blood test not long ago for the op so I guess that is all the testing the needed to do for the pre op. Of course I know what the op is and what they are doing ect as I've been sent loads of information and obviously I have goggled it haha! But I will be told EVERYTHING on the actual day so for that I'm not quite worried but I always worry about the smallest thing anyways so that doesn't help. This op is an later time than my last one, I have to go into the ward at 10am which means I can have an "light" breakfast before 7am on the day which Im so glad about as from all of my operations that is one thing I totally struggle with is the no eating for hours and hours before. I haven't actually even been to this ward I have to go to but its the hospital I've always been at all my life so that is okay. 

One thing I totally worried about which my last op confirmed to me how I was right to worry about is that my back!! As you know if you read our blog often that I have Ankylosing Spondylitis which is arthritis of that back. My last op I was laying down for sooooo long which meant my back was in so much agony! When Im at home I can easily just get up and walk around but this wasn't an option. The nurses didn't seam to care to be honest but I don't think they even read my notes or was told. Although my back was in a bad flare up for 4 days after that op but I was only in hospital til 12/1ish but this operation soon Im going to be in there for alot longer so Im worried! I can't take my medication for ages before the op and because I get bad anxiety and panic attacks this just makes me so panic already. 

So to say I wasn't scared, worried or totally panicky would be lying. Saying that it isn't a big/bad operation and I know its got to be done. By the way this is not related to my Back condition and I won't go into detail what it is but its bowel related problems and this op won't basically cure it but its needed to help. This problem has been going on for way too long years infact so that reason alone makes me know I NEED to "grow a pair" as they say. 


I can't say how long or how this recovery will be to be honest but just incase its long and can't do blogging I will just say as always Bethany will be here so the blog won't be left unattended! Wish me luck haha.....ekkkkk!!! 

Love Katie  xx 


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Katie's Health Update #3

I'm so sorry I haven't been doing my health update weekly. Life and routine went abit pear shape if you read our blog update here you will understand abit more. 

My health has defiantly got alot worse lately and getting very frustrated with still not hearing from the pshyio and also my specialist who was meant to contact me about a new medication to put me on as I was taken off Amitriptyline well over a month ago now so am purely just on painkillers. Obviously painkillers have alot of impact on your body so November wasn't a great month. I had alot of flare ups and also alot of bad days of awful neck pain. I invested in a neck pillow a week ago and its been like heaven. Another random and new thing is that Im suffering so much with INSOMNIA since November. Its getting too much now and Im going to the doctors soon to see if they can help. Im going days without any sleep at all and days where I feel so unhuman its ridiculous. 

I found out last week that on 24th December (YES XMAS EVE) I have an operation which is for my bowels. I was kind of hoping it would be this year as I've been waiting ages but sooo soon to Christmas isn't idea. Luckily I have zero plans for Christmas day and have a massive phobia of Christmas its self so I didn't mind. The other date was late March next year but I wanted it out of the way and done with as the recovery isn't pleasant. I've had the same op last September and wasn't given the right advice and medication to heal and recover which is one of the reasons it needs re doing but I need to go on an soft food diet for at least 6/8 weeks after which last year I did stick to very well and cut out so many food but this year I slowly started eating the food again but I'm the person who can easily give up anything. So porridge, soap and lots of flavored water will be my best friend over the next few month. 

I'm actually due to see my Specialist anyways for an update I have every 6 months but haven't heard. Im going to see my GP next Monday for my normal update but He was pretty pissed off with my Specialist last time I went as he tried ages to even get through to her on the phone so next week I hope something can be sorted. Im sort of feeling like because Im young they aint taking this very serious. At the beginning I cant fault them as they was amazingly good but it is almost like they stuck me on certain meds and thought now do one. Obviously that certain med done sod all. I hate having to rely on Co Codamol and Tramadol!! And I would wish to have one night, morning or even a few hours of being pain free it would be amazing. I now dread days out where I know I will be walking alot as I spend the night in pain after, I dread car journeys and Im bloody dreading the operation not actually for the actual op but because I can't just get up and move whenever I feel pain and Im scared I wont get the meds I need. Arghhh!!

My Panic attacks and Anxiety levels are crazily high at the moment. I think because of current stuff happening lately and my health getting crap, my anxiety goes mental. Other day me and My mother went shopping, we got the bus there and I freaked out about everything, The busy shops, too many people around me and even getting panic about my Mother walking or being too close to me. Im getting easily and more stressed out over little things like my bedroom not being tidy and over Christmas pressie not being brought ect. 


Im very thankful for having my Mother around lately. She is currently not well so she is home most of the time so having her here helps alot. She does me hot water bottles, makes me lots of teas, dinner and keeps me company when Im down. I don't think she realizes how much of a help she is to me. I shall keep you all updated on my next GP visit and also my operation ekkkkkk nervous.


Love Katie 
xx

Getting Depression Again?

Am I getting depression again?

I've suffered with Depression throughout my childhood, teenager years and early adult years so I know every sign possible. I've gone to every type of therapy and counselling possible and also been on many anti depression medication. But since 2012, I haven't been on any anti depression tablets and I attended Therapy early 2012 but I stopped going because I felt like it wasn't working and I wanted to try and get on with my life without any therapy or meds ect. So I would say I haven't been depressed for many of years but obviously I have suffered with feeling down alot but how do you stop classing it as feeling down and class it as depression? 

This year has been the best but also the worse year. My Brother got engaged, him and Beth are expecting a baby girl very soon, I've had some amazing memories with My Niece Ava and other memories with family which has made this year amazing but also I've had the worse luck with my health with being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, having problems with my bowels which has resulted in me having an operation on 24th December this year and also problems with my Womb/Lady stuff so that has been really hard to deal and cope with. 

Obviously everyone is entitled to have there down days but lately I had more down days than any good days which has made me think am I suffering with depression again? I don't want to go back on Medication as Im on alot of medication at the mo due to my back condition and I don't want to have anymore and also the side effect to more anti depression aint nice and I can do without them. When Beth lived here it was like having a therapist to talk to every night and I would bore her with my rants and random talks but since Beth has moved back to Essex I obviously haven't spoken to her like I use to which I think is one of the reasons I think Im suffering with depression again. Having someone to talk to is a MASSIVE help and sometimes it is just as helpful as medication. When I go to my next monthly update with my GP I will mention this to him and how I am feeling because I really want to go into 2015 feeling a good as possible. I know I will never be 100% happy because being ill mostly every single minute makes it impossible to feel happy but I would like to be at least 60% happy instead of like 20% happy I feel lately. 

Depression is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I accept I will more than likely get depression throughout my life. I suffer badly with Anxiety and panic attacks which at the moment Im getting really bad Anxiety so much!! Shopping, busy places and being alone is freaking me out lately. Previous years I have ignored going to the doctors to get help and it has ended up getting worse and worse but Im determined to get help and to get better ASAP. 

I will update and write another post when I have been to the doctors and maybe will give tips on how to get better ect. 

Love Katie 
xx