My Mind And Me - It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

Well on my journey with counselling I expected to see changes. Mood changes more than anything. I thought this counselling would be a fix, A Quick fix. If I am totally honest with you I thought it was going to be 'easy' and solve all my problems. How naïve of me. I was being stupid thinking like that but when your in the moment things seem a lot different. That's one thing that's annoying about depression, it can cloud a lot and change your thought process. I'm lucky I am not one of the severe ones.


Half way through my journey I began to realise the desired effect I hoped the counselling would have was not going to happen. I kept coming out of the sessions with my emotions running sky high just like I felt on the first session only I couldn't figure out why. I mean yes its understandable that I wouldn't feel one hundred percent after speaking about the events of my past but come on I thought I'd be able to learn to keep a lid on how it made me felt. In my head that's what counselling was meant to help me to do. I don't know If that was my deluded vision of counselling or a thought process I created to help make what counselling would really do to me seem easier.

Before you start counselling they tell you it is an emotional journey and you start to feel worse before you feel better and you may also not feel great when you finish. I thought that nah that's not going to be me they are just saying that to make me feel better. I can tell you I was wrong, wrong to assume I would be different. I was feeling worse, half way through I thought I was going to rip someone's head off and my emotions were all over the place. I should have listened and that way I would have been prepared for the hard core feelings hitting me like a bus. I'm not going to dress it up for you all its important you know the realities of counselling. I felt destroyed. I felt broken as a person and as woman, I was in a tunnel that I didn't think I would make  it through. I felt stuck. Stuck with my past and all the horrible memories it brought. I was reliving it every day in my head almost like punishing myself. But why? I didn't know.

I realise now that I was meant to feel that way. Its like a fear the only way to confront it is to tackle it head on. That's what I was doing. Tackling my past head on because my past was the key to all my problems. Despite the way the counselling was making me feel I enjoyed going. It was my chance to talk to someone, tell someone how I felt and what was going on and that person  did not judge. That person was completely neutral  and most of  all listened. Listened when no one else would, or couldn't understand. So there I was half way through my counselling journey feeling shit and confused and erratic but also feeling motivated and positive that I had someone to listen. That is what started to pull me through. The fact that every seven days there was a pair of ears waiting for me meant the world.

Look out for my mind and me next week

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Break explanation

Hello Lovlies,

OMG two weeks out! I do apologise for taking a two week break but we all need time off right? Things just got on top of me I suppose, not taking my anti depressants didn't help. I know I know I need to take them  and can't come off them cold turkey but what's a girl to do when the funds aren't there? I needed to pick up my prescription from the chemist but as one of the few on a low income but for some what reason the government decide don't need help I wasn't able to afford to pick up my medication. I pay for my scripts as and when so its a nightmare!! That reminds me I should set up the pre paid thing. So yeah I've been feeling pretty low. Along with that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I'll have terrible problems falling asleep and then when I do go off I cant hold a sleep and will be waking up every hourish. That along with having low iron levels has left me walking around like a zombie. I am on tablets for my low iron but I am a nightmare for remembering to take the damn things, anyone else like that? Things come to ahead Friday when Katie insisted I go doctors and accompanied me for moral support. I broke down in there after getting prescribed medication to help me sleep. That wasn't before the bloody doctor pre judged me as a weed smoking alcoholic. Apparently when  you cant sleep and turn up with no make up on that's what you automatically become.

Thanks to Katie for buying my scripts for me I was finally able to get back on the mend by taking my anti depressants again and taking my sleep meds. After a few nights good sleep I'm starting to gradually feel a bit better and more relaxed. Relaxed enough to start blogging again. If I am honest I've missed my blogging in the last couple of weeks, it makes  me feel so much better. Being able to vent and let you guys what's going on makes me feel good. It just a shame that no matter how much I wanted to get back on the laptop I just didn't feel able to.

Not to worry now though, I am back, I've had a break and I'm looking forward to writing for you all again. This was a post to let you know why I've been quiet and to read our posts this week, starting with one tomorrow :)

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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My Mind And Me - Challenging Changes

Challenging Changes

I felt like I had a block of gold in my hand, I treasured those tablets, sitting in the car on the way back home from collecting them I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Sure I sound mad, sure  I sound stupid but these little white pellets where going to free me of my mind, whatever was going to make me feel like 'me' again was treasure. I spent hours reading the information leaflet, you know the ones you get in the tablet packs, you would have thought I was studying for some sort of exam, ridiculous but I wanted to get clued up, these tablets where my foreseeable future I needed to know what I was letting into my life.

I knew it was important that I took the pills regularly, with anti d's its best to take them same time everyday, to get the best effects apparently, and I did, for the first few days. I was like a child with a new toy. I would sit clock watching every morning until it was time to ingest. Once I had took my tiny little friend I felt ready to get on with my day, but after a week and a bit things started to slide. I would forget. I know it sounds weird but I would completely forget they even existed. Your meant to take them for about a month before you see any changes and of course I had slipped a bit so the changes would never come, if I didn't push myself back into gear and get into the swing of things again. I tried you know I really did, I wanted to help myself.

I think I was taking them for a few weeks when we got the news. We had a place. I was moving. Moving to Berkshire, god knows how many miles away from Essex. I tell you what I had a smile from ear to ear for a week, I say a week because that's how long I had to prepare myself, within a week of finding out we were on our way to Woodley, dad driving a big white van filled with my life possessions and my new life chapter to begin. That was something to make me smile for  abit, this piece of news did a better job at cheering me up than these bloody anti depressants did I can tell you that! You got that right, they made me feel NO better. So what's the point I thought to myself , why am I taking these sodding things when  they make me feel no better! I pushed them into the back of the cupboard, and soon forgot they existed again. I tried to settle into family life.  

It wasn't long before the high turned into a down. Gosh I had so much responsibility, I felt in so deep. The whole management of our home relied on me, with out me no washing could get done, no housework, no dinners ect and I know this sounds stupid to some people but It was the first time I had to do all this and I got so overwhelmed. the washing took a back burner and so did the unpacking, I just  wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. So I did. I plonked my bum on the same seat every day watched the same stuff on telly and watched the girls play. I got bad again. I didn't want to leave the house and I felt alone. I had no idea what this area was like it was so daunting. I wasn't used to being on my own with out and adult company, I love my girls and would give anything for them, but I just weren't used to only having children to talk to everyday. Part of me thought I was going to go insane (one a bad day) and the other part would muck around with them so much I looked insane (on a good day). I would look at the clock for Tom to come home. It would excite me a lot, is that even normal?  I remember there being days he would tell me he was going to be late, and again I would get angry but saddened more, I just wanted someone to talk to, to engage with so I looked forward to him coming home, when he was delayed I would be gutted. All this was to do with change, that's why I was being effected. I've never dealt with change well, even little things like the tablets would effect me, and why did something silly like that effect me? Well the change was going to be my who attitude my whole thinking, I know I hated the snappy angry me, but that me felt safe and secure those feeling were familiar and I knew I had my guard up, start changing me I'd become more vulnerable, my guard would slip down. Anyway if that's how something little changing would effect me then this big move was bound to have an impact.


 I would find myself staring blankly out the window trying to accept the place I and found myself living, but I couldn't see clearly, my mind was jumbled and I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't unscramble my thoughts and feelings. I just didn't know what was  up, but what I did know was an old friend had come too see me. An old friend that once in doesn't leave, not without force. That little friend goes by the name of depression. Old habits reoccurred, me and Tom started arguing and I got massively snappy. For god sake I just wanted to be myself again why had I come crashing back down again. The answer was in the back of my cupboard, and at an appointment with my new GP he explained, they hadn't worked because I needed a higher dose, he promised to keep and eye and I could see him as regular as I want. He gave me a higher dose and booked me an appointment to see him in a month to see how they were working, something my old GP failed to do. I was set, I remember feeling hope again, lets see how these ones do.


Look out for My Mind And Me next week :)

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx