My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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Therapy & Bestfriends

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Sometimes we all get caught up in our own lives and don't realise what we all need is just a chat or hug with our close ones. With my depression I see my GP every few weeks and I take my antidepressants medications each day without fail and hopefully starting CBT soon and I have the best support around me who is Bethany.

 

If I wake up feeling down, depression, not wanting to get out of my bedroom and speak to anyone I will always text Beth each morning and tell her and just by telling her how I feel helps so much. When I am at hers and feeling down, she always asks me how I am or if there is anything she can do for me and I think people forget that is mostly all we need to make us feel abit better. Just a simple text asking how you are means literally so much. Most of my family are constantly putting me down, not believing depression and never ask the simplest of all questions " How are you". Last week I was in Essex at Beth's and my Depression was not good but it was the most happiest I've felt in ages. Beth does the little things but I don't think she realises how big those little things means. For example making me toast and tea in the morning to make sure I do not have my morning medication on an empty stomach, texts me once we are all in bed to make sure I am okay, asking me throughout the day how I am and always asking if I need anything. The other night face to face Beth said to me " How is your depression going at the moment and how do you feel" and literally I was so shocked it was someone close to me asking me that and not someone in the NHS. By Beth saying that it really made me think how lucky I am that not only have I have an amazing sister in law but also how I have a best friend out of her and my brother relationship. If my Brother didn't meet Beth then I wouldn't have a best friend right now helping me and supporting me.

 

Last week with Beth we didn't do much like activity wise but we chilled, watched Celebrity Big Brother, Had chats and a cuppa, got ready and done make up together and went through lots of Desperate Housewives Box Set on sky and literally I had the best time. To me that was like a therapy session that lasted for 7 days. I think we all need to look close to home and realise we need to be asking the simplest of questions to our close ones. Do we really know how our love ones really are? I've hid depression for years and years with hardly anyone knowing or even noticing so that just proves people can be hiding so much. When I go to the doctors it is nice to be ask how you are. The GP generally wants to know how you are, how your moods are and if you feel any better and I do feel a lot better after coming out of the doctors. When you know people generally are looking out for you, have your best interests in their heart, supports you and never judges that does make whatever your going through a little bit easier. I am so thankful for Beth and I don't think she realises. If anyone close to you simply asks a simple question then maybe ask them it back or tell them how much they mean to you and how much they are helping you.

 

So thank you to my sister in law for being my therapist last week and it is only a few weeks till I see her again... for my next therapy appointment ha!!

 

Love Katie x