My Mind And Me - Challenging Changes

Challenging Changes

I felt like I had a block of gold in my hand, I treasured those tablets, sitting in the car on the way back home from collecting them I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Sure I sound mad, sure  I sound stupid but these little white pellets where going to free me of my mind, whatever was going to make me feel like 'me' again was treasure. I spent hours reading the information leaflet, you know the ones you get in the tablet packs, you would have thought I was studying for some sort of exam, ridiculous but I wanted to get clued up, these tablets where my foreseeable future I needed to know what I was letting into my life.

I knew it was important that I took the pills regularly, with anti d's its best to take them same time everyday, to get the best effects apparently, and I did, for the first few days. I was like a child with a new toy. I would sit clock watching every morning until it was time to ingest. Once I had took my tiny little friend I felt ready to get on with my day, but after a week and a bit things started to slide. I would forget. I know it sounds weird but I would completely forget they even existed. Your meant to take them for about a month before you see any changes and of course I had slipped a bit so the changes would never come, if I didn't push myself back into gear and get into the swing of things again. I tried you know I really did, I wanted to help myself.

I think I was taking them for a few weeks when we got the news. We had a place. I was moving. Moving to Berkshire, god knows how many miles away from Essex. I tell you what I had a smile from ear to ear for a week, I say a week because that's how long I had to prepare myself, within a week of finding out we were on our way to Woodley, dad driving a big white van filled with my life possessions and my new life chapter to begin. That was something to make me smile for  abit, this piece of news did a better job at cheering me up than these bloody anti depressants did I can tell you that! You got that right, they made me feel NO better. So what's the point I thought to myself , why am I taking these sodding things when  they make me feel no better! I pushed them into the back of the cupboard, and soon forgot they existed again. I tried to settle into family life.  

It wasn't long before the high turned into a down. Gosh I had so much responsibility, I felt in so deep. The whole management of our home relied on me, with out me no washing could get done, no housework, no dinners ect and I know this sounds stupid to some people but It was the first time I had to do all this and I got so overwhelmed. the washing took a back burner and so did the unpacking, I just  wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. So I did. I plonked my bum on the same seat every day watched the same stuff on telly and watched the girls play. I got bad again. I didn't want to leave the house and I felt alone. I had no idea what this area was like it was so daunting. I wasn't used to being on my own with out and adult company, I love my girls and would give anything for them, but I just weren't used to only having children to talk to everyday. Part of me thought I was going to go insane (one a bad day) and the other part would muck around with them so much I looked insane (on a good day). I would look at the clock for Tom to come home. It would excite me a lot, is that even normal?  I remember there being days he would tell me he was going to be late, and again I would get angry but saddened more, I just wanted someone to talk to, to engage with so I looked forward to him coming home, when he was delayed I would be gutted. All this was to do with change, that's why I was being effected. I've never dealt with change well, even little things like the tablets would effect me, and why did something silly like that effect me? Well the change was going to be my who attitude my whole thinking, I know I hated the snappy angry me, but that me felt safe and secure those feeling were familiar and I knew I had my guard up, start changing me I'd become more vulnerable, my guard would slip down. Anyway if that's how something little changing would effect me then this big move was bound to have an impact.


 I would find myself staring blankly out the window trying to accept the place I and found myself living, but I couldn't see clearly, my mind was jumbled and I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't unscramble my thoughts and feelings. I just didn't know what was  up, but what I did know was an old friend had come too see me. An old friend that once in doesn't leave, not without force. That little friend goes by the name of depression. Old habits reoccurred, me and Tom started arguing and I got massively snappy. For god sake I just wanted to be myself again why had I come crashing back down again. The answer was in the back of my cupboard, and at an appointment with my new GP he explained, they hadn't worked because I needed a higher dose, he promised to keep and eye and I could see him as regular as I want. He gave me a higher dose and booked me an appointment to see him in a month to see how they were working, something my old GP failed to do. I was set, I remember feeling hope again, lets see how these ones do.


Look out for My Mind And Me next week :)

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


 

My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Obsessive Desperation

Obsessive desperation

I remember endless days on right move, I must have searched every area in Berkshire. At the beginning I had a clear image of what type of area I wanted and what type of place I wanted. I wanted a nice peaceful area a newish done place that was clean and ideal. I didn't want anywhere cramped either, the last thing I needed was to develop claustrophobia. I must have looked through hundreds of places and they were all out of price range or too far ect. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to throw my phone out the window, but I could afford the screen fixture.

This took a toll on me, my fuse had got shorter and the tears had increased. I had brought Ava home to my parents house after having her, which was understandable I was only young and single. Not that there is anything wrong with my parents but it weren't mine. And now id brought my second baby back to theirs. That was just not how I had seen my second childs homecoming being. I was in a relationship we were a family we should have had our own family home. I took this on my shoulders massively to be honest. I was their mum I should be providing a home for them not every other tom dick and harry. Though mum, dad I am ever so grateful you put a roof over our heads when I couldn't. I know Tom felt guilt over this but I know not as much as I did and it wasn't his fault, he was working his bum off, every hour everywhere bless him. I blamed myself. What had I done to try and get our girls their own home. This is why I believe I developed my obsession with property searching. And boy did it turn into an obsession.

I had lost sight of what I had envisioned for our first home. I was emailing all properties, not taking any notice of what they looked like. My goal became my goal and nothing else mattered, heck we didn't even have the deposit money but that didn't faze me I was asking for viewings with hope we could somehow get the deposit however it be. Not realistic no but for some reason I didn't believe it was unrealistic to me it was as real as the sun. I got Tommy to view places after work, he was knackered, but I wouldn't take  no for an answer, I just had to be a good mum I had to find my girls their own home. Tommy would come home from these to be frank shit holes, he would tell me all about them, how disgusting they were how we wouldn't be going anywhere near them. I was devastated every time. I even accused Tom of lying, saying that he was saying they weren't nice because he didn't want to move in with me. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I found another place, but I insisted I go with Tom so I did, my obsession had got worse, I had to go with Tom now. We pulled up in some dodgy looking street, but still I was looking for all positives and wouldn't acknowledge the mountain of negatives. I can tell you this now as I can see it clearly but back then I couldn't see it through my blindness of obsession and desperation. The place was a wreck bars on the windows, really pokey, a kitchen with bits hanging off, rooms where tiny, it was a vile colour and it stunk to high heaven. Tommy hated it I could tell and I did too deep down but I wanted my own place so bad. So I tried to convince Tom of the positives tried to get him to see what the flat could have been like with a lot of work done, work that would have cost a fortune, money we didn't have but did do you think that bothered me? No. Realistically could I see myself Tom and the girls living there? No it was another shit hole. But I weren't thinking about that at the time my mind was focused and I wanted to secure the flat. Obsession had completely taken over me.

I needed someone to take control over me before I did something I'd later regret like moving into one of the roughest flats. Two days after viewing I had put down a holding fee. Still had no deposit. What the fuck was all that about. Tom however was having second thoughts and rightly so he new it was disgusting and we shouldn't live there. He called it off and got the holding fee back. I was furious, the obsessive bitch inside of me wanted to explode. And she did but surprisingly not with anger, I must have cried so much that day I could have created a whole new river Thames. Now I cant thank Tommy enough  for doing that he saved us from living in a pit and I'm so ashamed I went that far to nearly make us live in somewhere so unsuitable. I had started off my moving out goal to give my children  their own beautiful safe home and in the end I was doing it because, I felt like I needed something so desperately and I felt like I needed to accomplish my goal so desperately.

After that incident Tom got tougher he had too. It shocked me too and I realised every thing it was like the slap in the face I needed in order to snap out of it and rid the obsession, so I don't regret finding that place because if I didn't my obsession may have got worse. I calmed down a lot thankfully though I still searched a lot I weren't as bad. I come round to thinking it will happen eventually. For a while things were calm, until I started bubbling again and that right move app started opening more, to be honest it was teasing me sitting there on my phone. I could feel that black hole opening again and I was so frightened of the obsession repeating itself.

I believe that obsession and desperation are also a sign of depression. Depression is made up of a lot and are believe these are part of it. I want you to know that if your feeling desperate about something, obsessive about something that you don't want or need to be obsessive about I want you to know that your not alone I've been there I've rode that part out and for me it was the most scary bit of the depression (not that I knew I was suffering with it at the time). But I got through it with the love and support of family who snapped me back to reality. You will too, on the whole its a minor part of the depression journey, but its one I thought I would make people aware of.

Thanks for reading

Watch out for the next My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - the beginning of my story

The Beginning of my story

 

I suppose at first I was in denial. To be honest it didn't feel like denial, more like the unknown with an inkling I didn't want to admit. Strange that probably don't make any sense, but to me it makes perfect sense. It felt like normal behaviour at first. I was only responding to others actions. I couldn't help my reactions, if people didn't  like the way I reacted then they shouldn't have acted the way the did towards me. who can blame a girl for sticking up for herself? That little voice in my head was very convincing, and I liked that voice, it was the only one who made sense to me, It was the only one who was on 'my side'. No one else was, don't be silly I knew, I knew that everyone else was against me. Well that's the story I created in my head anyway. I would say I was in denial about that. I lost count on how many times people would say to me I just 'think' people are against me. But as usual I would hit out and say no I know they are. That was just what they said to make me think they weren't. I was doomed to fight all my battles alone, it was me against everyone else, no one there to back me up to fight my corner. Just me. Though I didn't understand it. Why did no one back me up? Why were they all against me? What have I done so wrong? But what I did know was I was right. I was sure of it.

My mind was awful, playing tricks on me I believed. You know I would wake up one day and my mind wasn't one I had known. It was alien to me. That one voice I had always relied on was telling me different. It was telling me I was wrong. What on earth? now my own mind was turning on me? But this voice was also the only one that could convince me. I would actually be happier them days. I would feel calm and normal again. Thank goodness no one was picking arguments with me. They had taken a day off. I believed this. I had convinced myself of it. It weren't that I was wrong, it was that everyone else had simply taken a day off and with that it was easier. I suppose that was then the denial started. 

 

Other days my mind was back to 'normal'. Or everyone was against me again. They didn't rest  for long. This was really starting to wear me down. I would sit alone and cry. The bathroom was a good place for that and feeling sorry for myself became a comfort. I would wrap my arms around myself to hug myself. Well someone had to. I was alone remember? These days happened quite often, I could have filled and Olympic sized swimming pool with the tears that I shed on that bathroom floor. Why the bathroom your probably thinking, well that was the only place that felt peaceful. It helped me think and gather my thoughts. When I would come out you would think I was fine. I would smile and get on with it. Well you have to don't you? Plus there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone is entitled to a little cry right? Mine just happened more often.

 

 

Look out for My Mind and Me part 2 Next Week.

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx