My Mind And Me - Raw Emotions

Raw Emotions

Getting in the car I felt very uneasy. I felt like I was on my way to court to be judged. In reality I was on my way to my second counselling session, only this was the first time we would start talking about things properly. As I sat in the back seat of the cab I felt as if I was about to have every last detail of my life and traumatic events be picked apart one by one. I was about to confront issues that I hadn't visited in a long while, events that could have possibly caused the depression I was feeling today. Notice I say possibly, I didn't know for sure what had caused it but that was the point in this, the journey was to find out what had and to start conquering it for my sake and my families.

Sitting in the waiting room caused the most nerves. They were NHS so there was no thought of comfort gone into the waiting room, of course the NHS never pumped money into things like that. To be honest they should it may make anxiety in people like me lower when waiting to torture themselves with their pasts. Part of me was hoping I had got the day wrong and they wouldn't call my name out, but I was correct. "Bethany" there was my name, dread filled me as I took a slow forceful walk into the room I had came to like on my last visit, but I had a feeling that after todays session I wouldn't be feeling the same. The awkwardness was overwhelming, the counsellor was waiting for me to start, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to say what I had been through. I needed her to ask me about it, it was the only way I was going to open up, it was the only way I knew how. The time between me deciding to be awkward and the counsellor asking me seemed to drag. It was silent and I was look around the room in a nervous panic, I heard Ava and Bella playing in the waiting room under Katie's supervision, it took all the strength I had not to crash through the wall to them. Let me tell you its not easy holding back tears when someone is unstitching the stitching that held the emotional wounds together. I couldn't. I broke down. It was hard. I talked about the events that had moulded the person that stands here today. The wounds were open and the emotions where pouring out like blood and I couldn't stop  it and I couldn't control it. My anxiety crept up as I was aware of the counsellor sitting in front of me. What was she thinking? Did she think I was nuts? Was she going to tell me off for crying? The answers to all these questions was no. She was calming and as I made eye contact with her for the first time I could see something, she was listening. For the first time no one was crying, getting confused or getting angry when I spoke about everything. For the first time someone was actually taking it in and listening to every word, to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just listening to what I was saying and to how I felt. Before I knew it time was up and I had to leave. But I was just getting started, now I had to stop when the wounds were open, if I closed them up again I weren't sure if I could re open them again which left me only one option. I had to leave my wounds open for the week. This scared me. Scared me stiff.

I must have been a complete nightmare to live with that week. I remember feeling so terrible and wanting to cry almost all of the time. I would put on a brave face and pretend I was okay in front of people, but not Tom. I couldn't pretend to him. So he got the rough of it as I let my emotions out the only way I knew how. Anger. I would pick arguments and then argue till I was blue in the face. I would then cry afterwards like I was the poor victim when I wasn't. Poor Tom had been lured into an argument just so I could scream and shout to let it all out. let out all the emotions that were pouring out of them still open wounds. I couldn't explain it to Tom, I didn't know how. It killed me inside to shout at him the way I did and to confuse him the way I did. I love him so very much he's the love of my life it wasn't fair on him. I'm pretty s**t at coping sometimes. I did think that week that maybe Tom would be better off without me, without me treating him so poorly. With out me shouting at him every night. But Tommy being the lovely bloke that he is still cuddled me, still gave me comfort and reassurance, in his own way he understood, he didn't have to say it out loud for me to know. With every cuddle he gave me after every argument I knew that he would be there by my side while I confronted the demons of my past. I was so tired of how I felt and hoped that I would start seeing the positives from the counselling sooner rather than later. Exhaustion was not a good look for me.

Thanks for reading

Look out for My Mind And Me next week.

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Obsessive Desperation

Obsessive desperation

I remember endless days on right move, I must have searched every area in Berkshire. At the beginning I had a clear image of what type of area I wanted and what type of place I wanted. I wanted a nice peaceful area a newish done place that was clean and ideal. I didn't want anywhere cramped either, the last thing I needed was to develop claustrophobia. I must have looked through hundreds of places and they were all out of price range or too far ect. I cant tell you how many times I wanted to throw my phone out the window, but I could afford the screen fixture.

This took a toll on me, my fuse had got shorter and the tears had increased. I had brought Ava home to my parents house after having her, which was understandable I was only young and single. Not that there is anything wrong with my parents but it weren't mine. And now id brought my second baby back to theirs. That was just not how I had seen my second childs homecoming being. I was in a relationship we were a family we should have had our own family home. I took this on my shoulders massively to be honest. I was their mum I should be providing a home for them not every other tom dick and harry. Though mum, dad I am ever so grateful you put a roof over our heads when I couldn't. I know Tom felt guilt over this but I know not as much as I did and it wasn't his fault, he was working his bum off, every hour everywhere bless him. I blamed myself. What had I done to try and get our girls their own home. This is why I believe I developed my obsession with property searching. And boy did it turn into an obsession.

I had lost sight of what I had envisioned for our first home. I was emailing all properties, not taking any notice of what they looked like. My goal became my goal and nothing else mattered, heck we didn't even have the deposit money but that didn't faze me I was asking for viewings with hope we could somehow get the deposit however it be. Not realistic no but for some reason I didn't believe it was unrealistic to me it was as real as the sun. I got Tommy to view places after work, he was knackered, but I wouldn't take  no for an answer, I just had to be a good mum I had to find my girls their own home. Tommy would come home from these to be frank shit holes, he would tell me all about them, how disgusting they were how we wouldn't be going anywhere near them. I was devastated every time. I even accused Tom of lying, saying that he was saying they weren't nice because he didn't want to move in with me. Which couldn't be further from the truth. I found another place, but I insisted I go with Tom so I did, my obsession had got worse, I had to go with Tom now. We pulled up in some dodgy looking street, but still I was looking for all positives and wouldn't acknowledge the mountain of negatives. I can tell you this now as I can see it clearly but back then I couldn't see it through my blindness of obsession and desperation. The place was a wreck bars on the windows, really pokey, a kitchen with bits hanging off, rooms where tiny, it was a vile colour and it stunk to high heaven. Tommy hated it I could tell and I did too deep down but I wanted my own place so bad. So I tried to convince Tom of the positives tried to get him to see what the flat could have been like with a lot of work done, work that would have cost a fortune, money we didn't have but did do you think that bothered me? No. Realistically could I see myself Tom and the girls living there? No it was another shit hole. But I weren't thinking about that at the time my mind was focused and I wanted to secure the flat. Obsession had completely taken over me.

I needed someone to take control over me before I did something I'd later regret like moving into one of the roughest flats. Two days after viewing I had put down a holding fee. Still had no deposit. What the fuck was all that about. Tom however was having second thoughts and rightly so he new it was disgusting and we shouldn't live there. He called it off and got the holding fee back. I was furious, the obsessive bitch inside of me wanted to explode. And she did but surprisingly not with anger, I must have cried so much that day I could have created a whole new river Thames. Now I cant thank Tommy enough  for doing that he saved us from living in a pit and I'm so ashamed I went that far to nearly make us live in somewhere so unsuitable. I had started off my moving out goal to give my children  their own beautiful safe home and in the end I was doing it because, I felt like I needed something so desperately and I felt like I needed to accomplish my goal so desperately.

After that incident Tom got tougher he had too. It shocked me too and I realised every thing it was like the slap in the face I needed in order to snap out of it and rid the obsession, so I don't regret finding that place because if I didn't my obsession may have got worse. I calmed down a lot thankfully though I still searched a lot I weren't as bad. I come round to thinking it will happen eventually. For a while things were calm, until I started bubbling again and that right move app started opening more, to be honest it was teasing me sitting there on my phone. I could feel that black hole opening again and I was so frightened of the obsession repeating itself.

I believe that obsession and desperation are also a sign of depression. Depression is made up of a lot and are believe these are part of it. I want you to know that if your feeling desperate about something, obsessive about something that you don't want or need to be obsessive about I want you to know that your not alone I've been there I've rode that part out and for me it was the most scary bit of the depression (not that I knew I was suffering with it at the time). But I got through it with the love and support of family who snapped me back to reality. You will too, on the whole its a minor part of the depression journey, but its one I thought I would make people aware of.

Thanks for reading

Watch out for the next My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx