My Mind And Me - Raw Emotions

Raw Emotions

Getting in the car I felt very uneasy. I felt like I was on my way to court to be judged. In reality I was on my way to my second counselling session, only this was the first time we would start talking about things properly. As I sat in the back seat of the cab I felt as if I was about to have every last detail of my life and traumatic events be picked apart one by one. I was about to confront issues that I hadn't visited in a long while, events that could have possibly caused the depression I was feeling today. Notice I say possibly, I didn't know for sure what had caused it but that was the point in this, the journey was to find out what had and to start conquering it for my sake and my families.

Sitting in the waiting room caused the most nerves. They were NHS so there was no thought of comfort gone into the waiting room, of course the NHS never pumped money into things like that. To be honest they should it may make anxiety in people like me lower when waiting to torture themselves with their pasts. Part of me was hoping I had got the day wrong and they wouldn't call my name out, but I was correct. "Bethany" there was my name, dread filled me as I took a slow forceful walk into the room I had came to like on my last visit, but I had a feeling that after todays session I wouldn't be feeling the same. The awkwardness was overwhelming, the counsellor was waiting for me to start, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to say what I had been through. I needed her to ask me about it, it was the only way I was going to open up, it was the only way I knew how. The time between me deciding to be awkward and the counsellor asking me seemed to drag. It was silent and I was look around the room in a nervous panic, I heard Ava and Bella playing in the waiting room under Katie's supervision, it took all the strength I had not to crash through the wall to them. Let me tell you its not easy holding back tears when someone is unstitching the stitching that held the emotional wounds together. I couldn't. I broke down. It was hard. I talked about the events that had moulded the person that stands here today. The wounds were open and the emotions where pouring out like blood and I couldn't stop  it and I couldn't control it. My anxiety crept up as I was aware of the counsellor sitting in front of me. What was she thinking? Did she think I was nuts? Was she going to tell me off for crying? The answers to all these questions was no. She was calming and as I made eye contact with her for the first time I could see something, she was listening. For the first time no one was crying, getting confused or getting angry when I spoke about everything. For the first time someone was actually taking it in and listening to every word, to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just listening to what I was saying and to how I felt. Before I knew it time was up and I had to leave. But I was just getting started, now I had to stop when the wounds were open, if I closed them up again I weren't sure if I could re open them again which left me only one option. I had to leave my wounds open for the week. This scared me. Scared me stiff.

I must have been a complete nightmare to live with that week. I remember feeling so terrible and wanting to cry almost all of the time. I would put on a brave face and pretend I was okay in front of people, but not Tom. I couldn't pretend to him. So he got the rough of it as I let my emotions out the only way I knew how. Anger. I would pick arguments and then argue till I was blue in the face. I would then cry afterwards like I was the poor victim when I wasn't. Poor Tom had been lured into an argument just so I could scream and shout to let it all out. let out all the emotions that were pouring out of them still open wounds. I couldn't explain it to Tom, I didn't know how. It killed me inside to shout at him the way I did and to confuse him the way I did. I love him so very much he's the love of my life it wasn't fair on him. I'm pretty s**t at coping sometimes. I did think that week that maybe Tom would be better off without me, without me treating him so poorly. With out me shouting at him every night. But Tommy being the lovely bloke that he is still cuddled me, still gave me comfort and reassurance, in his own way he understood, he didn't have to say it out loud for me to know. With every cuddle he gave me after every argument I knew that he would be there by my side while I confronted the demons of my past. I was so tired of how I felt and hoped that I would start seeing the positives from the counselling sooner rather than later. Exhaustion was not a good look for me.

Thanks for reading

Look out for My Mind And Me next week.

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Being Diagnosed With Colitis

If you have been reading my "Katie Health Update" post you would of know I have been having bowel problems for a long time but I never really went into too much detail. Without sounding gross its hard to explain bowel problems as you can imagine to be honest. 

A bit of a background.. I was diagnosed with IBS many many years ago so always suffered with bloating and had to watch what I eat ect then about 3 years ago I started getting other problems which in those 3 years its results in me having three operations, treated for various things and being put on many treatment/medication but still nothing seemed to help. In January of this year I had an operation which I wrote about HERE. During that operation a few biopsies was taken and I didn't really think much about the results as I have so much other illnesses going on that I didn't worry at all. On 20th February, I went to see my Surgeon and because I've not got any answers for years I simply didn't expect any news. Mr George (my amazing specialist) just came out with it but Im glad as he didn't beat around the bush and literally explained everything so simple and clear.. He diagnosed me with Colitis. I finally got the answer I've been wanting for so long. I now can rest knowing they know the cause to all the pain and trouble I have suffered with. You can click HERE to learn more about what Colitis is as to be honest I still don't know much about it but basically Colitis is inflammation of the inner lining of the Colon. It is such a relief to finally know the reason to all my symptoms over the past few years but its a weird feeling as I slowly begin to realise that this is a long term illness and treatment will be needed for a long long time. I've been given Asacol and seeing my specialist again next month to go through things properly and put a proper treatment plan into plan. 

image from pinterest 

So it is a weird feeling of being happy you finally got diagnosed but then also confused and sad about what the illness actually is. Having Ankylosing Spondylitis (I done a post HERE explaining everything) was such a shock that I've sort of became used to being told crap things about my health. Having a Chronic Illness it sort of makes you stronger in a weird way, I feel like I've put up with some much crap from people and so much pain than I have made myself more strong and I don't give a crap about things I use to worry about now. I suppose it hasn't really sunk in yet and maybe I should be worrying alot more than I am? Chronic/long term illnesses makes a MASSIVE impact on yourself and feelings, my head is always all over the place. I never know what to say, do or feel and guilt is a massive part of my life at the moment. Guilty for feeling ill, for being in pain and for moaning..  I always think I shouldn't moan as Im lucky to be alive?! Arghhhhhhh am I the only who feels alot of emotions and guilt about having illnesses? 

Love Katie x 

This Week : Exhaustion/Emotion

This week by Katie..

This picture explains how we all including the dogs have felt this week..

Oh Jesus what are stressful week!! Exciting things happen like my getting an iPhone 6 (my upgrade) and getting more Xmas pressies for everyone but then Beth got rushed to hospital and then I found out my operation is on 24th December yes Christmas Eve.


Beth is now out of hospital and is alot better so now it is just a waiting game on Bella and Beth got to keep an eye on her breathing as if it continues she has to go straight back to hospital. It has been so weird not being close to her while she was in hospital as last time it happened she was living in Windsor, So I was around to look after Ava and had regular updates on Beth and Bella but it was quite difficult with the hospital being in Essex this time. 

My operation!!! ARGHHH. So I knew I was expecting to get a call or a letter to tell me when Im having it done but my Specialist did say it 80% chance of it being in the new year as its close to Xmas... Well I obviously was in that 20% of having the operation this year. Its nothing to do with my back and its abit too much detail to go into the actual op itself but I'm kind of glad now it will be before the new year so then next year I will just have my Back to concentrate on. I actually have zero plans for Xmas eve and day so the op hasn't bothered me but at first I was like OMG!!! Although it is day surgery, I don't get into hospital til pm so there a likely I might have to stay in overnight if anything goes wrong ect but waking up in hospital on Xmas day will defiantly be different!!! 

Getting an iPhone 6!!! Now my upgrade on my iPhone 5 was due over 2 months ago but I generally kept forgetting to go into a Vodafone shop to sort it out. I knew I wanted an Iphone 6 and also knew I would have to pay £99 for the phone as my Iphone 5 was abit old, the buttons were either broken, slow or on the way to die and also was full of scratches. So I saved up money to get the phone, but I didn't expect Vodafone buy back to want my phone for £70 so I only ended up paying £29!! Tbh the phone aint much difference from the 5 but the battery, camera and screen is alot better!! I got the spray grey one and have a lovely mint green case for it. 

I had a few gifts left to buy for Ava's 3rd birthday which is on 6th December, and while I had to wait for my phones to be sorted I had an hour to spare and luckily I found and got everything I wanted for Ava birthday gifts and also more stuff for her Christmas. Maybe I will do a blog post on how I done her birthday and Christmas as their only 2 weeks apart. I decided her birthday was peppa pig themed pressies and Christmas is Frozen themed pressies and it has worked out to be sooo easy and enjoyable to buy.


I did plan to get back into blogging a few times a week this week but I can't seem to find the motivation and passion for it lately. I might do a post on how low I've been feeling and how it has effect so much of my life lately. Here is just a quick update/this week kinda of post. I don't think Beth will be continuing her Pregnant update post as she isn't very well, shes busy and also Bella is expecting to come any day soon but I will speak to her and plan a blog post for when Bella is born. Hope you all are well and are getting into the Christmas spirit :) 

Lots of love
Katie xx