Toilet Thoughts

Hello readers.. 

I'm currently writing this as I'm sat on the toilet and I'm sure most people wouldn't want to know that but in reality this is my life. I have Ulcerative Colitis which if you have been following our blog since we started then you would know. If you haven't read our blog and don't know or heard of Ulcerative Colitis is then it's an Irritable Bowel Disease (NOT IBS) and this horrible disease means I attend the toilet basically 95% of the day. I get very sore joints because of this and also terrible fatigue so you can imagine sitting on the toilet isn't enjoyable.

I wanted to write this post because I swear some people think that I'm even making it up or that I enjoy suffering from Colitis! It's exhausted, painful & frustrating. I never have a proper goodnight sleep because for some reason my Bowel is more awake at night time. I never get to watch full programme as run back and forward to the bathroom. It's not fun or enjoyable having to sit on the toilet and for normal people when they go for a toilet they are not in pain but I am in pain. Everyone I open my bowel it is absolutely agony and I cry because of the pain. 

I sit on the toilet and watch people snapchats or insta stories and see people out having fun or not having to worry about to what to eat and it's hard to watch.. and I do feel about jealous of them. Then I go on Facebook and read people statues about their fun evenings and it makes me sad and angry. I look back and miss the old me. The old me who used to spend my evenings going out, drinking, eating whatever I wanted, was abled to have a goodnight sleep and literally having no care in the world. 

So when people say that I have an easy life being housebound, stuck on the toilet in pain and never having a goodnight sleep.... "easy" isn't the word I'd call it. I didn't choose to have this disease and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'd absolutely chose to be working, doing normal adult things and not having to be in pain over this any day!! It's hard to be positive when I'm stuck on the toilet, it's hard to be happy and not dwell on the past. But this IS my life and all I wish is for my health to be better and to gain my life back again. So yeah this isn't enjoying or fun and if anyone says it is then come and be in my shoes for a day and you'll soon realise how "fun" this really is!!! 

Love Katie xx

Waiting For An Appointment//NHS Moans

Don't get me wrong I love the NHS and am soooo grateful for it and I honestly wouldn't survive without them but sometimes NHS makes me mad. Like right now!!

When I last saw my Consultant in the middle of August which I was given Steroids for two weeks then for a appointment with the Gastro team literally 2 weeks after to do some blood tests and other test to see if I need to carry on with Steroids or go down another route.. So two weeks came and I heard nothing. Now nearly 2 months on I have heard NOTHING and my Flare Up is getting worse. My GP did ring them up a month and they said they would ring me to give me a date to come in and still heard nothing so yesterday I went to my GP for a medication general update and I explained how my Flare Up is getting worse and how I haven't heard from Gastro ward yet and he was angry so he rang them as I was there and someone on the phone said my details are not on the system so my GP got the number for the specialist to ring in the afternoon. I hope I get a appointment soon as this is the worse flare up so far and the two treatments I've been giving for Colitis hasn't done anything to calm down the Flare Up so I feel very anxious and worried. Of course the fact that this Flare Up is extremely painful with cramping and constant stabbing like pains isn't nice to experience pretty much every second I am awake. Days spent curled up on the sofa dosed up with medication/painkillers with a hot water bottle and duvet might seem like a good day to some people but it has pretty much been my routine for the past year so no this isn't fun.

I just feel angry that I was told literally 2 weeks after I was meant to come and have tests as the consultant I saw was worried and concerned at how quickly my Colitis has got worse. Yet they are in no hurry to get me a appointment which is very important to me. For me to actually get better to get my life back to somehow abit more normal and a better routine. For me to not spend every day in a lot of pain and constant toilet trips. I know in England we are VERY lucky to have NHS and free healthcare and I never usually sit and moan about them and all of my operations have been done well and I will always be thankful to all of my Doctors ect but right now ARGHHH. P.S sorry for the moaning!!

Love Katie  xx

The Guilt & Fear Of A Chornic Illness

image from pinterest

Lately I have been feeling guilt. Guilt for being Chronically Ill. Guilt for not being able to help/work/do general task. I had a major think and had a massive rant on my personal Facebook about it. I have never said on my personal Facebook about my illnesses so it almost felt good to "get it out". Obviously a few people on my Facebook know but about 95% don't. Although I am not one of those people who treats Facebook like a personal diary/put my whole life on there but I felt like I was trying to cover up/act normal so people wouldn't treat me any different. My own Father doesn't really know everything, we don't have a good relationship but when we do speak I choose to just say "I'm Fine".

Guilt is a horrible emotion because I know I can't control this feeling and can't control my illnesses. I wish I could have a normal 9 to 5 job to be able to treat my family to things and to just have a normal day to day routine, I wish I didn't feel the need to hide the fact I am ill to my family, I wish my family would actually take time on reading up on my illnesses to understand and I wish they wouldn't call me "lazy". I have as much guilt about my illnesses as it is so I don't need added on guilt from my family. One person who has literally never judge, commented, called me lazy and constantly is always on the other end on the phone when I need her is Beth. She has IBS so we kind of have similar symptoms which helps her to understand but even if she didn't have IBS I think she would of still understood and been amazing like she is. When I am in Essex staying with Beth, she always ask how I am, makes me toast, makes sure I have a drink for my morning/night medication and if I need to sit down she doesn't call me lazy like most people do.

I have an major fear that I won't be able to play or pick up my nieces. Of course I am in pain constantly but it's bearable at the moment but I know one day the pain will limit the stuff I am able to do now which scares me. Ava knows I have a bad back and she is very good at knowing not to jump on it ect and she is really caring but I don't want her to think that means I can't be the playful fun auntie. I am a "Hands On" Auntie and I always will be. I will not let my illnesses stop being that kind of Auntie. Being with Ava & Bella makes me happy and that sometimes makes the pain easier to deal with.

The fear of having major surgery on my bowels scares me. I have had many of operations in my life but I know what operations people with Colitis have and it bloody scares me. I'm not good when I wake up from any operation and I have a massive panic attack soon as I am woken up so that alone scares me.

The fear of not being able to do things for myself. I mean normal things such as clean, wash, do my make up, dress myself if that makes sense. We all know what Arthritis in the Spine will do in years to come but there isn't a time period of when that time will come. It could be tomorrow or in another 20 odd years. I am independent as it is so this fear is probably the worse out of the fears I have. Everyday or at least I try to everyday, I make sure I always at least put some make up/look decent enough because that alone helps me ALOT, even if I am in my PJ's but having my make up and hair ok does make me feel good. So if I wasn't able to do that I would feel bloody awful and that scares me a lot. IF there was one person I would have "Helping" me would be Bethany to be honest hahaha.

Obviously I have every day to day little fears such as

- Running out of my medication
- Not being able to see the doctor I want to
- Not getting an GP appointment when I need it
- Having a flare up when I am out
- Getting an allergic reaction to one of my medication
- Vomiting
- Being on the train (to Essex) and my back going
- Worrying about eating foods

Those are just a few of the fears I have daily and because I have anxiety I think I make it seems worse than it is sometimes. Beth does reassure me LOTS and sometimes I do need abit of telling if that makes sense. Like Beth will just say YOU WILL BE FINE and sometimes that helps a lot. 

I never realised that guilt and fear would be part of my day to day life. Sometimes it literally makes me so bad that I find myself saying sorry. Sorry for being ill, sorry for not being able to be normal and sorry to all my family.

If anyone reading this has Colitis or any chronic illness, I'd be so grateful if you would get in contact with me. I haven't got any friends or know anyone with an illness that has a massive impact to their life. I'd love to talk to someone who will totally related. Our Twitter is @essextowindsor Our Instagram is essextowindsor and our email is essextowindsor@outlook.com :)

Love Katie xx

Loosing Weight From Colitis

When I got diagnosed with Colitis, I wasn't even aware or thinking of what it would do to me physically and mentally. I never would of though the reason of me loosing two stone since May is because of my Colitis. I haven't been on any crazy diet or an major exercise routine, I simply have been having alot of trouble with what I can/can't eat. I have been struggling ALOT and I'm awaiting an appointment with a Dietitian as it has got to the point where I am constantly in pain/cramps. It is making me housebound and my anxiety is sky high when I'm out, which lately is becoming a rare occasion. I never ever realized what Colitis would do to be to be honest. I've had IBS since I was 14, so I have always known what a bowel disease is and obviously had similar symptoms with IBS but I wasn't expecting Colitis to make more of a impact to my life than my back condition does. 


So two stone is how much I have lost and its made alot of difference in my appearance which other people notice more than I do. I was never massive but I've always been "curvy" so it isn't like a massive deal but that two stone has made me drop a dress size but because my boobs have kept the same size, tops are still tight around my chest. FINALLY I am in size 14 jeans,for me this is literally amazing, I haven't been able to get into proper jeans since I was 17 because my belly bloats alot so I always have worn jegging type jeans/trousers which don't have a zip/buttons but I actually brought two proper jeans in the past few months from TK MAXX. Even though I cannot wear for a long time because of my bloating and cramps but it does make me feel so much better knowing I can wear jeans for once. Clothes are getting baggy and loose but luckily I like that loose fit tops with a skinny jeans look so I can still wear my tops. Usually loosing two stone to anyone is amazing but I don't know why but I'm not getting excited about it? Because I have lost it quickly down to an Illness it doesn't have them same feeling to if you lost it by exercise ect. The fatigue, lost of appetite, abdominal pains, cramping, bloating and bleeding are a daily symptom from this horrible Colitis and maybe that why I am not happy with loosing weight. I'm getting the comments like "I wish I could loose weight like you", "I wish I had Colitis" ect and those comments are really getting to me. This hasn't been my choice and when people say "Oh I Wish I could have Colitis", I just want to tell them how much it impacts on my life. How can anyone "wish" to have an chronic illnesses just because they want to loose abit of weight? Arghhh some people just haven't got a brain have they!! I have recently brought tops that I would never be brave enough to wear and I suppose the only good to come from this weight lost is that it has made me abit more confidence in my appearance. I have never ever been confident, happy with the way I look or been interested in fashion as I used to just wear clothes to hide my body. I have always worn the skinny jeans with a looser top as I think that suits my body shape the best but having larger boobs makes finding the right top hard. I have found some lovely tops from TK MAXX and H&M lately and even though I have only brought a few, it's making me want to buy more as I kind of feel okay about my body for once. Of course I would love to loose more as I am only human to want to loose more weight like most of us do? But right now I am concentrating on getting my Colitis under control. 


I am due to do an health update post as my last one is nearly a month ago here. Next Month (August) I have got a few appointments so I think I might wait til then to do my health update. I will do some more post relating to my Colitis as it has effected alot of day to day stuff ect. Hope you all are well :) 


Love Katie xx 

Katie's Health Update #7

I didn't realize my last health update post was in March!! OPPS. I did write some health update HERE in May in a life lately post but I haven't really gone into detail about everything health wise.

image from pinterest 

COLITIS
I haven't really got any updates on my Colitis as I am still waiting on having another appointment with my specialist. I'm on Asacol 400mg twice a day which have been working but in the past two months I have been having flare ups more often than I was before. My symptoms of this is abdominal pain, blood loss when passing stools and loss of appetite. I feel sort of stuck as in March I was diagnosed put on medication and that is it, I am still waiting for a follow up to get more answers. 

AS/ARTHRITIS
It's been over a year since I was diagnosed with Ankylosin Spondylitis which I wrote about HERE and to be honest I have literally only just been able to learnt to cope with it. My symptoms are back pain, stiffness, joint pain with most recent being my right write and fatigue which makes me have zero energy. I'm on Co-codamol 30mg/500mg  x 2 three times a day, Tramadol 50mg x 2 twice a day and my latest medication is called Gabapentin 100mg x 2 three times a day and also Voltarol Gel which I apply to my back every night before bed and also on any joints which aches/when needed. It is alot to remember and I'm forever going back and forwards to the doctors and chemist but touch wood this medication routine is doing the best it can do. That isn't to say it don't hurt because it bloody hurts so much but I think I am getting better at dealing with the pain. I wake up every morning stiff without doubt and it takes about anything between a hour to two hours before I'm not stiff. Hot water bottles are my best friend when I'm having a bad flare up but also a good old cry helps haha. The fatigue and lack of energy has been the biggest thing to deal with lately. Although my insomnia has gone which means I am getting a good amount of sleep and waking up at 8 am every morning without fail, I am feeling so tired and no energy during the day and lately I have been making myself stay awake and do something because before I was going up to my bed and falling asleep and not waking up til early hours of morning which was making me crazy. 


Other illnesses stuff.. I will do another post on my depression, anxiety and panic attacks otherwise this post will be so long ha. Although it has been a few months since my last health update, not much has changed to be honest. Apart from one new medication, colitis getting worse and pain in wrist. I have an health assessment next month which I am very worried about to be honest, even though I know I'm clearly not well to work but I panic sooooo much. If anyone has had or have any tips on this assessment please let me know. This no energy is meaning I am taking double the time to do simple tasks so a normal few hours of basic housework lately is taking me a whole day. Once my morning Tramadol kicks in I literally try and do some housework and literally soon as I feel the painkillers wearing off I will stop and try and rest but some days the painkillers don't do their job. Another example is this post, now this would usually not take me long but I started at lunch time, had to sit down for over an hour then I have to sit up and down and so on and now it is 4pm so 4 hours to do this post grrrrr. I promise I will not leave my next health update for so long next time :)


Love Katie x 

Twitter - Instagram 

Dealing With Negative Comments #2

It's been over 5 months since I wrote this blog post HERE about dealing with negative comments. That post had so much amazing feedback on Facebook, twitter and emails and also the National Ankylosing Spondylitis Society Facebook shared the link to my post there and I had amazing comments. It is one of our most read post and I think the reason why is because its one of those things that chronic illnesses people get 99% of the time but yet no one really talks about it.

Since that post I have been diagnosed with Colitis which I have written about HERE. So I have had a whole new experience of different types of crap comments. It has been harder to deal with it this time to be honest as I think I have gotten used to the comments about my Back but with the Colitis it is all sort of new to me. I have all new symptoms, medications with side effects, have to watch what I eat and have canceled so many plans because of a flare up. I still get the "exercise and your back pain will be cured", "You're too young to have arthritis", "You don't need your medication", "Take Painkillers and your be fine" but now I have a whole new type of comments related to my Colitis such as "Just take your Asacol and eat whatever", "You're eating the wrong food", "It is just IBS", "It will just go away if you loose weight". It has only been a few months since I was Diagnosed with Colitis so I don't really know how it will be controlled and treated. I am on a trial medication and then I go back to see my consultant to see where I go from there.

There is one comment that I have even been told by a "Doctor" and family members ect.... Oh your Depression and Anxiety are the reason you have a bad back and bad stomach. I went to see a doctor at a Pain Management Clinic and I never felt so small and offended in my life. He said it all down to Depression but if he read hes notes properly he would of seen that I was not depression for the past 3 years and my depression has only come back at the start of this year because I'm finding it extremely hard to deal with illnesses ect so its made me very depressed. I'm very very lucky my GP is the best doctor I have ever seen, he is so understanding and makes me feel like he is generally worried and concerned. My GP made me realized that going back on Anti Depressants are going to help as I spent ages being against going back on them and since I have been on them, I have felt like I can cope better. He always books double appointment so He can go through all of my illnesses and make sure my medication is up to date and right ones ect. I truly don't think I would cope if I had another GP. 

I'm finding it a lot harder to blog weekly as when I have a back and colitis flare up, I'm in agony and last thing I can do is sit on the comp and write. The NASS Facebook page is really helpful and also on Instagram there is lots of people suffering with chronic illnesses and it helps knowing that we are just normal people who post random pictures on Instagram ect. I've had someone say " Why are you on Facebook, twitter, Instagram and using your iPhone when you're sick" and I was like what you on about and they replied "Surely if you in pain you can't use your phone"... People like that are so uneducated and bloody rude who don't think before they open their mouths. 

Having a blog with Bethany has really helped me cope with my illnesses and knowing I'm not the only one. If you have chronic illness please email, twitter, Instagram or comment on the post as I would love to speak and know all the tips and trick to ignore negative comments and rude people. 

Love Katie x 

Instagram - Twitter 

Pain Is Lonely

I saw this quote on Pinterest and instantly  agreed and can relate to it so much. Having two Chronic Illnesses has made my life changed so much and most of the time I feel lonely. I have to decline some family events or days out because of the pain which makes me incredulity down and lonely. I spend most days at home, in my bedroom, in pain and dosed up on painkillers and other medication I'm on. Apart from the rare occasion of days out, the only day trips are hospital and doctors appointments. I see my GP twice a month which can be more it depends, consultant for my Colitis, consultant for my Back and Pain Management Clinic  so my diary is always filled up with appointments. Soon to have a check up update appointment on my fertility/ovary ect which will mean doctors/nurse app, ultrasound and then to a gynaecologist and not forgetting the blood tests I have regularly. Being ill itself is like a full time job and I hate when people think we are lazy and I tell you what, I would swap my pain for a normal full time job anyday. 

Pain wakes me up at 3/4am so I can be up til 6am and that when I feel lonely most. I'm so glad one of my dogs sleeps in my bedroom overnight. Buster always wakes up if I'm in pain to check how I am, he is a bloody diamond. Pain can even make me feel mad and angry sometimes. Angry that I can't sleep, angry when I get to sleep that the pain wakes me up, angry when family members think I'm lazy, angry when you don't see the doctor you trust and always see, angry when they say " We need to see you in 6/8 weeks but we have no appointments til 3 months time", angry when the chemist give you wrong amont of tablets, angry when the chemist  forgets to put in a certain medication. There are many more reasons that make me angry, mad and lonely but I would be here all day if I said them all. 

I've always be a person who likes their own company but since being ill it's made me realise how much I'm greatful for when I spend time with people. A weekend in Essex with my family is basically like a holiday for me and I try to not let pain get to me. Although pain is there constantly but when I'm happy with people I love I make myself try to ignore it. The train/tube journey to Essex absolutely kills my back & last time I was feeling sick due to my medication side effects but I tried to put that to the back of my mind and think of the reason I'm on the train. 

Pain is lonely but people with Chronis Illnesses and people who suffer with pain we need to not let it make us anymore lonely. Also it is totally okay to feel lonely and it is normal to, don't let people make you think you're lazy. We are ill for god sake and the amont of bloody side effect medications gives us we are totally allowed to rest. 

Love Katie xx 

Chronic Illness//Stuff People Don't Tell You

I never realised how much a chronic illness changes your life in so many ways. Those small things I do now that I never was told about by my doctors. The simple tasks that no longer are simple.

 

On Sunday, it made me realise how big of a impact my two chronic illnesses have made to my life. It was Mothers Day and my family and I went for Breakfast at Havester. For example.. I got up extra early to take my medication so I was feeling okay during meal, I had to double check I packed all my medication in my hangbag, I spents day before looking at the menu to see what I can/can't eat, I had to sit on end of table Incase I need the toilet to be sick or if my colitis plays up, I had to make sure I had a pint of water so I could take my medication. It's sounds so stupid but if i forgot anyone of them above then I would of been in trouble. After the meal we went shopping and I was debating if to go or not because for the past few days prior to this day I have been having bad bad flare up down to my Colitis so I was worried Incase a flare up happened. 

On Tuesday, I went into High Wycombe for lunch and shopping and once again I had to prepare for the day. I now no longer love going shopping and for lunch because my Back hurts so much that I need to sit down regular, I feel abit dizzy and weird after my medication and that feeling ain't nice when you're in the shops. 

Simple days out are no longer just simple and that what I think I have that found quite hard. Next weekend I'm off to Essex for a few days and I've been worrying so much for the past month which I never would of done before. I have got to my sure I order in my medication so that I have enough for the time in in Essex. This stuff is never spoken about and the doctors never tell you any of the reality of a chronic illness.  

To be honest I'm struggling with stuff like this right now and because I've done a lot days out lately it's made it all seem more harder. Also having anxiety is making it twice as bad and I know I will get used to it in time to come but a year on I still feel like this!! Does anyone else feel like this? I have almost forgotten what it's like to just get up and go out without worrying or having to do stuff. I set reminders on my phone when to book doctors, when to order my medication, when to collect my medication, making sure I've taken my daily meds, making sure I have pints of water to take my meds throughout the night... Ahhhh I can't remember my life before all of this started tbh. You just get so used to it. Chronic Illness you suck!!

Love Katie xx 

Toddler Toilet Torture!!

My beautiful 3 year old Ava, Is a happy smily active clever 3 year old. She is not a sucky child and is always cheeky to the max! Such a joy to have and joy to look after making us cry with laughter every single day.

BUT then my daughter that I know and love disappears and this little girl who is curled up in pain & screaming turns up Infront of me and I felt helpless and panicky because this little girl is my daughter and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. 

Sounds odd don't it? You see my little princess has been suffering with constipation for well over a year and I have had endless trips upstage hospital with her and would you believe things are not much better! It all started with the "classic" constipation where she didn't go to the toilet for days. Eventually when she went unnoticed a small amount of blood, and took her up the hospital. I got reassured that she was okay and was told to try lactilose. So I did. It didn't work. I then found myself up there again and got sent away with movicol and some diet changes. This worked for a bit and thought we were going somewhere.

Oh how wrong was. My poor little girl got hit with constipation again. This time she appeared to be in more pain. Walking around on her tip toes but going to the toilet a little bit. I have to give her disprol instead of calpol as she don't like taking medicine. With a history of bowel problems in the family I took her too the hospital I want her to be referred to pediatrician because the amount of pain she is in is horrible. Again they basically said its normal and for her to be screaming around the house is normal! He sent me away saying to ask my GP to reffer her he once again prescribe movicol. Now this works sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't and as soon as she is off it for a while she is bad again. I can't keep her on it forever surely!

The GP looked at me like I was mad when I asked for referral. I don't know what avenue to go down I hate seeing my little one in pain but no matter what I do or where I go no one has an answer that helps. I feel useless. She is going to the toilet Aswell but you can tell she is constipated and she is still in pain,  I just want my little ones constipation to clear up for good and so she can be out of pain and we can put it behind us.

Can anyone relate? Any advise this is more of a mums SOS for advice... Please get in touch via Twitter or Instagram EssexToWindsor 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xx

A Painful Operation & Recovery

Hello everyone :) So yesterday I had my operation and it actually hurt a lot more than I thought. I was sedated so not totally knocked out but I felt EVERYTHING to the point where they was going to stop but luckily I grabbed the nurse hand, breathed in and out a lot and closed my eyes and it was over. I never want to be sedated every again! It was awful, I've always been knocked out totally for all of my ops so I didn't know what to expect. I literally felt like I had someone stabbing my stomach while kicking it at the same time, thank god it didn't take long otherwise I defiantly would of made them stop. Seeing as the sedation didn't effect me I recovered in the ward so quick, I had tea and biscuits and got changed back into my clothes and was told to sit in the waiting room til the nurse calls me back to be discharged. 

It's only a day after but I'm feeling swollen, cramps and a very sore stomach. I haven't really eaten much proper food and sticking to light food and a lot of fluid at the mo. Compared to all my other operations in the past this one was meant to be the least painful and not so bad recovery but I feel like it's the worse. I think because I've had quite a lot operations for my age that whatever I have done it will just hurt anyways. I've ran out of all my medications but luckily my lovely mother is going to collect them otherwise I couldn't cope with the pain. Luckily I have the weekend and beginning of next week to rest and I hope I feel better soon as next Friday myself and Mother are going to stay in Essex for the weekend at Bethany's yay!! 

I had some biopsies taken yesterday during the op aswel (this op was to do with the bowel area without going into too much detail) so been told my GP will tell me the results in 3 weeks and also going back to see my surgeon in 4/6 weeks to discuss things more which I have no idea what about. I'm all over the place lately with my health to be honest. I'm not feeling myself lately, you know when you get to that point when you're so fed up that you blank out so much stuff. Il shall do an health update next month and keep you all up to date with the results of this op. Let's hope this will is my first and last op of 2015!! Saying that I was told I wouldn't need a operation last year and in a space of 5 weeks I've had two so you can never trust what the doctors say haha!!! 

Love Katie xx

Health : Dealing with negative comments

As you can tell my the title this is about my personal experiences on having people being extreamly negative towards me to do with my condition. 

I've wrote a post here explaining what my condition is but long story short I have ankylosing spondylitis a type of arthritis. I totally understand it's hard for my close ones and people around me to get what my conditions means and what it stops me doing and how I react during a flare up ect but it's obviously natural for some family members to be totally negative and blind by the truth. Lucky enough my Mother, brother & Bethany totally understand and really their opinion is all I need as they are the ones who support me the most and who I love forever but without going into who and names ect it's hard to deal with people who basically class you lazy for having a condition. I've spent many times explaining to family what this means for my now and my future but yet certain ones don't seem to listen. It's very frustrating as my condition is out of my hands there is nothing I can do cure it or make it go away and trust me if there was I would be trying my hardest to get rid of it. I get comments like " you take too many medication", " just exercise more", " your young it will go " and " when will you go and get a proper job"!!! Those comments have been told to me since I was diagnosed in May 2014 and each time they are said I still get upset and hurt by them which is stupid as I shouldn't let it get to me but it does. 

I've tried my very hardest since having this condition to make myself pain free at possible but as time goes on Im experiencing more and more pain. It gets me down, it makes me have sleepless nights worrying and it makes me cry at the feeling that I'm failing at life but I know I have no control of this condition. Although it's been nearly a year since I've been suffering but I'm in very early stages and in that year I've been trying a lot of medication which some haven't worked and some I found out I'm allergic to and ended up in hospital due to vomiting blood from the reaction but the negative people seem to think I will get the right medication soon and then be totally painfree and can be "normal" in their eyes. 

If these people wasn't family members it honestly wouldn't bother me but I have to see these people on a weekly basis and I love these people which hurts even more. I hope over time they can be more understanding as my condition ain't going to vanish and in time I will need their support. But as I've said I've got my mother, brother and Bethany who understands, gets it and give me 100% support. Bethany is the person I text during the night when I'm upset and in pain and she totally calms me down even though it's over the phone she means alot of me. My mother is here 24/7 and I admit sometime she can be not so  understanding but I know she doesn't mean it as at the moment she is going through medical problems herself so we are each other's rocks and support but also stuck in the same house 24/7 so natually it can be draining and hard but we are both thankful for each other. I'm sure she feels the same... Well she better haha... I know she is reading this lol!!! 

Have any of you had similar experience and have any tips on how to deal with these negitive comments? Leave a comment or email me as it would be good to hear other people's stories reguarding this subject. Thanks for reading :) 

Love Katie x 

Having A Colposcopy

Today I had an Colposcopy as a few month's ago I had some bleeding and my GP found a Polyp on my cervix on a routine internal so the GP forward me onto the Colposcopy clinic. During the time of waiting for this appointment I have stopped bleeding so I wasn't too concerned or worried. Off I went to my local hospital today and stupidly the Colposcopy clinic is right next to the labour ward so the waiting room as so busy and loud but to be honest it took away my nerves. I was called early to my appointment so literally only just sat down to wait. As I walked into the room, I saw this chair with padded support to put your legs on and all this camera equipment and I started to feel scared. The gynecologist went through my medical history and talked me through what was going to happen. So of I went and took my bottom half clothing off, luckily I was wearing dress and tights so at least my dress was kept on. I sat down on this chair and was giving a sheet to put over my private/leg area and I put both legs on those padded leg rest and the gyne pressed a button to make the chair high. She told me to "relax" which is the stupidest thing to say as it is almost impossible to. She inserted a speculum which I've had loads of times before I knew what to expected,It's not painful but is very uncomfortable. Then she inserted an Colposcope to examine my cervix and on the screen next to me I could see inside me which was very strange image. She done some swabbing and other stuff which was very uncomfortable but the pain was sort of okay. Then the gyne found something she was concerned about and wanted to remove it to be sent of for a biopsy. She pre warned me it was going to be abit painful but OH MY GOD. I saw the scissor instrument thing she was using and Jesus it was big..I was looking at the screen when she inserted it. It stung so much and then she had to take more from it and done it again. It was like a one of pain but I was close to tears. Not only was the way I was laying down was making my back hurt but I felt so uncomfortable down there. She removed the speculum and I got up and put my tights back on. I felt so sore and pain down there and similar to a period pain but alot worse. The Gyne explained how I will be bleeding down there for a few weeks and not to get my cervix wet so no swimming or baths for 7 days but can have a shower. As I was walking back to the car I started feeling more pain and started crying as the pain while walking came on all of a sudden and because I didn't expect pain like that I didn't prepare myself. I will be getting a letter in two weeks for my results of the biopsy and to go to my GP when I have the letter so my GP can explain everything. So fingers crossed that nothing is wrong. 

On the way home from the hospital we got caught in alot of traffic and I just wanted to get home, put my pj's on and lay down. Finally after 40 mins in traffic, I got home and instantly got into my pj's and now laying on the sofa feeling very sore and in pain. I've took my normal painkillers I take for my back but the pain hasn't really settled and have got a hot water bottle. The nurse told me to rest for 24 hours and try not to do much but it's really hard to just sit down and not do anything. Thank god I can blog and spend the afternoon on the laptop. I shall update you all on the biopsy results.


Now I shall continue being in pain while looking at my wish list for Christmas haha. 


Love Katie xx