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When growing up, most girls dream of the fairy tale story meeting the man of your dream, having a large family living in a nice big house. Then you soon realise in your late teens none of that above happens. To some it might happen but I'd say for most of us it doesn't. When I was 17 I fell in love pretty quick and gotten into an deep serious relationship and I was completely head over heels and I truly believed I met the "one". Oh how wrong I was!! At that time I believed I was going to be with this man for the rest of my life so getting pregnant and having a family wasn't a bad idea, of course we spoken about kids names and things like that but we never actually planned 100% but then again we used nothing to stop it happening if that makes sense. To us we thought if it happened it happened as we thought we was going to be with each other for life.
From the day I started my period, it was hell. I always had heavy painful periods. I was being seen by gyne's and other specialist since I was 14. I was given the pill for a few years but later realised I was actually allergic to it so it never done anything to me. One day around the time I was with this guy, I had a real bad bleed and although I was having bad periods then I knew in my mind this was something more. I felt weird at the time and your body knows if there if a difference. I went to the doctors and I wasn't expecting for him to say what he said. He said I suffered an miscarriage. But I didn't even know I was pregnant and he said its just "one of those things" like it was nothing to him, looking back I guess hes job is to tell us straight but for an 17 year old girl to hear those words was quite hard to take in. But it came at the worse time possible, in the same week my boyfriend at the time ended things unexpectedly. I was totally heart broken and fell into an deep depression and even suicidal. I just didn't know to to cope. So I didn't have any time to even think about the miscarriage to be honest. This happened in February 2010 and if Im honest its taken a good few years to get over and realise things. Anyways, my GP sent me off for an Laparoscopy for many different reasons. The results was that I only have one ovary and many other things which could be a reason why I find it hard to get pregnant. During the Laparoscopy they inserted an Coil to help with my periods. Obviously it also used an a protection towards pregnancy but I was single and I didn't have any plans to get pregnant so I didn't mind having the coil.
Now that coil was possibly the worse choice I've ever made in my life. It caused non stop problems to which I was never told or warned about. Although it did actually stop my periods ,I eventually had it taken out for medical reasons. I made the decision to not have/take any other form of contraception as I wasn't in a relationship and to best honest I needed to give my body as rest. A few months after I had the coil out I gotten into a relationship. It wasn't as deep serious relationship to be honest so I instantly went and got the implant in my arm but this is when the bad luck started again.
I was starting to feel quite ill, and at this point I wasn't having an period as since the coil it ruined me and stopped my periods. Same as before I had a big bleed but I honestly thought it was down to the implant so I went to the doctors weeks later as I didn't think nothing of it. I remember this so well it was a Monday I went to the doctors but at this point I was no longer with this boyfriend as we went our separate ways but the doctor done tests and told me I was pregnant. I was shocked!! I had no clue or idea tbh as I had the implant and thought I would know it I felt "pregnant" if that makes sense. I had no idea how many weeks I was so my GP booked me into an early scan the week later which shown I was 8/10 weeks gone. By this time me and this guy wasn't on speaking terms and made it impossible to get hold of. I didn't want to but my only option was to text him as he wasn't answering calls. I was an adult and told him as I thought he deserved to know and he made the decision right there and then via text he didn't want to know me/baby or anything to do with pregnancy and wished us "dead". So I mentally prepared to be strong in an instant, I think knowing you have a baby inside you and being alone its makes you strong for the baby and no one else. By this point my Mother was the only other person to know. At that scan they wanted to see me in two weeks to be sure as they had some concerns not majorly but they wanted to be sure. I had mixed weird feelings, I didn't feel or look pregnant, I had no close friends or family to speak to and the whole idea of a "family" was totally gone. Those two weeks wait for the next scan was the longest time on my life. Of course I wanted to know why I was pregnant while having the implant but as we all know nothing is 100%. I wouldn't say I was sad or happy I was feeling weird mixed emotions. Abortions wasn't an option and it NEVER will be, I wanted this baby so much. So a family wasn't going to happen but me and this baby was going to. I had worries of being told they have concerns but I made plans in my head incase things was okay.
Two weeks came, I went to the scan alone. I remember my Mother couldn't get time off work. I saw the same person I've seen for years who does scans and went into the same room, I never felt so nervous in my life. The worse happened. I was told I miscarried. Again. For the second time of my life. Two years after my first miscarriage. But this time felt harder to accepted. The first time I didn't know I was pregnant and this time I knew for a few weeks but I had plans and wanted the baby so much. I told the "dad" via his sister as by this point he had a new phone. I never heard from him which proves what sort of dad he would of been like. Someone at the time told me things happen for a reason, which at the time I didn't believe, I just wanted to be a mum and have my baby. But over the years since I have realised things do happen for a reason, someone was telling me that either my body or myself wasn't ready ect there must of been a reason. I have an implant in now, still don't get periods, never been told why I lose my two babies and been told its just one of those "things". I had to wait til Im 25 years old to get loads of test if I still have problems then.
The thought of never being a Mother and having my own family scares me. ALOT! It is something I think about daily but I never tell anyone. I think having two beautiful Nieces keeps me sane. I have never been jealous of pregnant women or people who have kids as it's no ones fault but naturally I always think what if ect. I always felt guilty for crying about the past, but I only recently learnt that crying once in a while is okay. I've sort of accepted that if I never be a mother than its okay, Im a Auntie to the most two beautiful girls in the world who I love so much and always will be. My Mother didn't fall pregnant with me til she was 28 and after she had me and my Brother she had an miscarriage and also tried with her now husband and can't have anymore kids so I obviously get it from my Mother. But knowing she got two kids sort of keeps me going, maybe my body is telling me I need to get healthy before I have a baby in a few years. Im not in a relationship right now and whenever I meet a man I just want to get to know him and have fun making memories. Saying all of that I don't want to jump into a relationship and have a baby ASAP, that I s the last thing that I want. But if things happen to happen that way then as I've said before things do happen for a reasons. I know I have fertility problems/history of miscarriages so I have to be realistic that I might have so much trouble or it might never happen. I have always said "there are people much more worse of than me" and I like to live by that quote. I think for me to even be alive and breathing is enough, Okay I have many health problems that I wish not to have and life is probably the worse it has been in terms of luck ect but right now Im lucky. It has taken me a good two years to realise all of this stuff and I think being around Beth throughout most of her pregnancy made me realise this. Im so blessed to of been living with her throughout most of her pregnancy, be with her during her midwife and specialist appointments, Her 3D scan and generally being with her. I truly hope my Brother and Beth have more kids so I can have more nieces or nephews, Im also lucky enough to get on with Beth. It makes life so much easier.
At first I never told rest of my Family apart from my Mother, but when I did they made me feel like it was my fault. As I mentioned in my post HERE that my family are not very supportive. That is why my second miscarriage was harder because I had no one around me at all. Yes I had my Mother who been through the same experience but it was something we never spoken about, maybe because it was too hard for us both to talk about it. Since then I've had alot of therapy and last year having Beth around has helped alot. I have alot to thank her for, she may not know how much she does for me. Just for her to listen, be there for me and she been through some stuff in her past same as me so we can understand each other.
So I would be lying if I said Im not scared that I will never be a mummy because I am. Im worried. But over the years Im learning to deal with stuff alot better than before. I will come to that hurdle when I have a partner and we want a baby, I will at least be strong and know all the facts if or when that time comes. Have any one been through similar? Let me know or email me. It would be nice to have a chat with some people who understands.
Love Katie
xx
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