A letter to friends.

Dear friends,

Before I met you I was a shell with an inside full of mush. Trying to find myself in a new place with a series of change happening before my eyes. Scared and anxious of what may come my way. Stuck in a rut of routine, a routine that I'm not knocking its a routine that kept me going and kept me dealing with day to day life. Yeah I have family, a great one at that. But they weren't there with me day to day though everyday phone calls kept me sane.
 The amount of times I wished I had a "clique" sad I know, but I longed for the girly chats and the mum to mum school moans. School holiday meetings and coffee mornings. Most girls dream of fancy holidays, dinners and gifts. Me I dreamed of reigniting my social life. Social life, I used to take it for granted. Never really realised the value of friends. Sure I have Katie but I think of her more like my sister.
 When we first started talking I was sceptical. Not of any of you, in myself. I didn't think it would move past the odd talk in the playground or outside my flat. Who would want a proper friendship with me? The more we talked and the closer we got the more the mush  inside this shell of me started to harden and thicken, became more of a substance. I started to feel like me again. I started to look forward to school runs and ballet runs. Started to experience night out. I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Coffee mornings are a thing now and set me up for the day, ballet afternoons on a Thursday happen regularly. 
  I have people to go to when I'm feeling down. I don't have to put everything on one person who was usually Katie. I'm glad I haven't got to put all my problems on her and I have you girls to help me to and like wise  that I can be there as a good friend to you ladies too.
I used to take social life and friendship for granted thinking I will always have it, how wrong was I. It makes you feel human, it gives you laughs and support and well company. Thank you ladies , and here's to many years of friendship.

Beth xxx
 

Relationship Revelation

My lovely readers

You know being in a relationship is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I've been a single parent. When your single and you think about relationship life you believe its all just going to fall in to your lap, if you find your 'soul mate' so to speak then it will be easy. You will get together and sail off into the sunset and live a life of no stress and no work. Well that's how it works in the movies isn't it? Naïve indeed, but that was me back then. Yes I had a child but when It came to family life I hadn't a clue, I lived with my parents one of them being a mother that wouldn't let me touch the cooker or washing machine, or my bed for that matter. Of course this meant I had it a bit easy but in reality it taught me f***k all about life and how to look after myself ect. My parents never gave me great talks about relationships, what to expect, what its like when you find 'the one' and so on. It wasn't their fault they wasn't s**t parents, they were just from an older generation and found it a bit awkward, whereas parents of today don't. But still whatever the how I was so uneducated when  it came to relationships, whatever I did know was self taught, so I pretty much had to wing it all. The dating, the first night together, the meeting the family, the talk of what you both want, and then the most serious stuff. And of course the sex stuff like,  hey I'm on the pill but do you wanna wear a condom for a double whammy of protection. Which by the way me and Tom didn't and I fell pregnant on the pill.

The honeymoon period was the hardest to understand, sure it was lovely and easy while we were in it, but its the coming out of it I'm talking about, you know the bit where you emerge into a 'proper established' couple, like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon as butterfly. This is the bit I would have personally like a heads up about. Things change and unless you have been given the heads  up you start to question EVERYTHING. Nothing stays the same, the romance dies down a little, the man gets extremely comfortable and thinks he don't have to woo you and you feel like you can let out your most embarrassing traits and so does he. You tend to bicker because well you know that you don't have to pretend that you love each others bad habits. As a woman I find then that you can get extremely paranoid that he's not into you anymore. He weren't like it before (honeymoon period). In reality he is into just as much but he just knows that he's got you now. You become an unromantic nose picking, wind releasing love making pair. To be honest the love making is the only thing that remains pretty much the same, well it did in my case that was until I was heavily pregnant, even then we didn't stop completely. I fell pregnant in the honeymoon period, which is pretty rare. And during the honeymoon period Tom was obviously getting to know Ava who was very young at the time. He was taking her on as his own. So where as normal couples only experience the normal changes of settling into an established relationship, we had a few extra. Poor Tom had to deal with someone with hormones that hit space and come crashing back down with a massive thud, when he didn't leave me then I knew he was a keeper, I had practically turned into a pig to the point where you could have put me in a pen and I would have fitted in quite well, how he kept up with the amount of food I shoved down me I don't know. Trying to make myself look as attractive as I was when we met, while being pregnant and the size of a house was pretty difficult in itself, though he always said how beautiful I was I was still over paranoid I was gonna loose him. When you add money problems like Tom loosing his job, finding a place to live ect, things got pretty tough. It tested us. We did argue, of course we did. We both got hugely stressed, but we had each other and we both knew we were stronger together. When Tom finally got another stable job and things started to ease it was time for me to give birth to our beautiful Bella. This is where I knew our relationship was for good, he literally saw me toilet during childbirth and although he was nearly sick in his own mouth, he still confessed his love for me. Of course I was mortified when he first told me what he had seen as doing that during childbirth was one of my biggest fears but, now I couldn't give a s**t (pardon the pun). It proved how strong Toms love for me actually is.

Now we have been together 3 years, its been a rocky road full of ups and downs, stresses and joys. Tom can wind me up to the point where I want to scream, whether he does it in a jokey way or a moody way and then in the click of his fingers he can calm  me down and make me laugh. Family life can stress out a relationship, this is sometimes what I wanted mum to make me aware of, sure you can give the safe sex talk, how to handle dates first kisses ect, but what about handling the relationship in the comfy stages, how to deal with emotions when you have an argument ect. When me and Tom have an argument I get so upset, I'm a very emotional person. Heck sometimes I thought life would be easier to walk out, this is when we are arguing. Your head and thoughts get so blurred when your angry. This is when I look into his eyes and all the bad feeling and thoughts all  just melt away, its like looking into them when we first met and falling in love with him all over again. I don't know how he does it.

I suppose from this I wanna hand out some advice, some of you won't need it, some of you might. No matter how much that person annoys you no matter how often they don't do the dishes or they don't pick up their clothes. No matter how many times they make constant jokes they think are funny or moan at you for one thing or another. When you are in that moment where the stress has  built up and you think you just can't do it anymore. Don't run. Its not the answer, if everyone gave up on their relationship when it got a bit stressful then we would all be single. Look into their eyes, see what made you fall in love with this person in the first place, that person is still there. You both just need to make an effort to ensure that you both see that from time to time. Sit down find it in your hearts to forgive each others imperfections and embrace each other. Enjoy each other because one day you wont be able too. Remember like me and Tom your the strongest when together and united. I don't know about you but when me and Tom are united I feel on top of the world, in fact, I feel like I can take on the world. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my partner, my first love and my true love and I will always be by his side.  


Thanks for reading

Until next time :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


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My Mind And Me - Raw Emotions

Raw Emotions

Getting in the car I felt very uneasy. I felt like I was on my way to court to be judged. In reality I was on my way to my second counselling session, only this was the first time we would start talking about things properly. As I sat in the back seat of the cab I felt as if I was about to have every last detail of my life and traumatic events be picked apart one by one. I was about to confront issues that I hadn't visited in a long while, events that could have possibly caused the depression I was feeling today. Notice I say possibly, I didn't know for sure what had caused it but that was the point in this, the journey was to find out what had and to start conquering it for my sake and my families.

Sitting in the waiting room caused the most nerves. They were NHS so there was no thought of comfort gone into the waiting room, of course the NHS never pumped money into things like that. To be honest they should it may make anxiety in people like me lower when waiting to torture themselves with their pasts. Part of me was hoping I had got the day wrong and they wouldn't call my name out, but I was correct. "Bethany" there was my name, dread filled me as I took a slow forceful walk into the room I had came to like on my last visit, but I had a feeling that after todays session I wouldn't be feeling the same. The awkwardness was overwhelming, the counsellor was waiting for me to start, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to say what I had been through. I needed her to ask me about it, it was the only way I was going to open up, it was the only way I knew how. The time between me deciding to be awkward and the counsellor asking me seemed to drag. It was silent and I was look around the room in a nervous panic, I heard Ava and Bella playing in the waiting room under Katie's supervision, it took all the strength I had not to crash through the wall to them. Let me tell you its not easy holding back tears when someone is unstitching the stitching that held the emotional wounds together. I couldn't. I broke down. It was hard. I talked about the events that had moulded the person that stands here today. The wounds were open and the emotions where pouring out like blood and I couldn't stop  it and I couldn't control it. My anxiety crept up as I was aware of the counsellor sitting in front of me. What was she thinking? Did she think I was nuts? Was she going to tell me off for crying? The answers to all these questions was no. She was calming and as I made eye contact with her for the first time I could see something, she was listening. For the first time no one was crying, getting confused or getting angry when I spoke about everything. For the first time someone was actually taking it in and listening to every word, to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just listening to what I was saying and to how I felt. Before I knew it time was up and I had to leave. But I was just getting started, now I had to stop when the wounds were open, if I closed them up again I weren't sure if I could re open them again which left me only one option. I had to leave my wounds open for the week. This scared me. Scared me stiff.

I must have been a complete nightmare to live with that week. I remember feeling so terrible and wanting to cry almost all of the time. I would put on a brave face and pretend I was okay in front of people, but not Tom. I couldn't pretend to him. So he got the rough of it as I let my emotions out the only way I knew how. Anger. I would pick arguments and then argue till I was blue in the face. I would then cry afterwards like I was the poor victim when I wasn't. Poor Tom had been lured into an argument just so I could scream and shout to let it all out. let out all the emotions that were pouring out of them still open wounds. I couldn't explain it to Tom, I didn't know how. It killed me inside to shout at him the way I did and to confuse him the way I did. I love him so very much he's the love of my life it wasn't fair on him. I'm pretty s**t at coping sometimes. I did think that week that maybe Tom would be better off without me, without me treating him so poorly. With out me shouting at him every night. But Tommy being the lovely bloke that he is still cuddled me, still gave me comfort and reassurance, in his own way he understood, he didn't have to say it out loud for me to know. With every cuddle he gave me after every argument I knew that he would be there by my side while I confronted the demons of my past. I was so tired of how I felt and hoped that I would start seeing the positives from the counselling sooner rather than later. Exhaustion was not a good look for me.

Thanks for reading

Look out for My Mind And Me next week.

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Mummy Vs Dummy

Hello our lovely readers,

As mummies and daddies we all have that one enemy that is always trying to get the better of us. Do you all know what I am talking about? yes it is the DUMMY. This fabulous creation that soothes your little one, helps them to sleep, helps them when they are upset and offers that little bit of comfort when we cannot be there. Yes sweet things aren't they, gift sent from heaven. That is until they decide they need a break and do a disappearing act. Now most of them do a temporary disappearing act but you do get the odd one that likes to jump for its life out of the buggy to leave us forever.

Why I am I speaking as If they are a living thing you may be wondering? Well there is just no way my sweet innocent daughter could get these dummies into the nooks and crannies they end up in I mean  how on earth do they get in these places. There are two explanations, either they are alive and have us all fooled or my daughter has the intelligence of Einstein at 16 months. The disappearance of dummies got to me by the time Bella was a year old and I decided to give a Wubbanub a go, they are and American type dummy with a little cuddly toy attached.

Above is Bellas WubbaNub she has the pink bear and she LOVES it. She takes it everywhere, its good its a dummy and cuddly all in one. You can get them from American sites but they can be a bit pricey I get Bellas for around £13 each (that's cheap) from a UK seller on eBay.

You would think this would be harder to loose wouldn't you. WRONG. we had a nightmare last week. We put Bella to bed with her Wubbanub and as by magic in the morning it had vanished, It was like penn and teller had been performing magic tricks in her room. How does that happen?? how is it literally there one minuet and gone the next? it was the strangest thing. It got even stranger when me and Tom searched from top to bottom in all the little nooks and crannies and it was no where to be seen. For a week we were holding hope that It was going to turn up, but I then resigned myself to the fact that the little bear had got up on its little legs and ran away so I ordered her a new one. It seems the threat of being replaced scared the little wubbanub, and poof it popped up. Are you serious? After a week of searching high a low, I order a new one and then there it is sitting in a bag in my living room.

It has since be confirmed that my older daughter put it there, 'she was tidying up' as she told us, bless. Its not yet proven that dummies have a life of their own yet but when news comes to light I will be first one there to hear about it ;) haha.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

The big M

It never used to bother me, you know the whole living at home with parents, even when I had Ava and was a single mum I didn't mind staying in my parents home, its all I knew and I weren't in a hurry to take the leap in to independence. I had a new little baby that was enough of a change and I was 18 so it was still acceptable. After having Ava it did dawn on me that I was the 'third wheel' so to speak. But I didn't care, I had the right to be there, I was their daughter, like Ava was mine so I knew it didn't bother them after all you can never picture your child leaving home and don't tend to think about it.

Time went on, I started college, another reason for me not to take the leap, I wanted to finish the course before I thought about taking on the moving challenge, and also getting a job at the end of it was fore front of my mind too. Now I had a boyfriend at that point. Together for a year you would think we would have thought about the next step, but he turned out to have the mind of a five year old and a dragon of a controlling nan so I got out of that relationship faster than Usain Bolt running the 100m. By no means did this dampen my spirits, I stayed at home and continued studying and Ava was coming up for her second birthday. It was then that my sister made a joke that me being me took seriously. This changed my  life forever, in a good way don't be alarmed. You should try online dating she said, so I did.


To be honest I wasn't looking for 'love' I thought I would just see what it was like. I had heard about online dating and now seeing myself as an adult I didn't see the harm. Oh my it wasn't the best dating site to try, but it was one advertised on Facebook so I thought it must be popular. Some of the wronguns that messaged me on there were unbelievable. I even texted a few. Don't ask me why. I saw it all, cheesy chat up lines, a fairly normal bloke who was still tied up on his ex so much so I started to think they were still together! I had boring blokes which had less personality than my sofa, and weird stalker types, which were possessive after a day of texting, I would rather of had my eyes gauged out by a bear while being stung by a thousands of angry bees than have spoke to them a day longer. I pretty much gave up on the whole online dating scene having wrote it off as a place of creeps. I don't know why I went back on there, curiosity killed the cat as they say. But I was right to do so because sitting in my inbox was a little message from my now fiancé and father of my two children. (Ava knows him as daddy he's all she knows )we have now been together for nearly 3 years.

 

I suppose it was when I was pregnant with Bella I started to think of my own space. We had lived with Toms parents and mine at separate times during my pregnancy. Going from pillar to post we both come to the realisation we both had no place to call home. These two houses we had grown up in no longer felt like home. For the first time the place I had lived in for like 12 years was my parents home. That was how we knew that it was time. It was time to move. To get our own place our own space. stand on our own two feet. Unfortunately due too medical problems in my pregnancy it was decided that it was best not to until Bella had arrived. And of course the main problem MONEY. I didn't feel to stressed out about it while I was pregnant. It wasn't until Bella was born that it bothered me the most. Things got really difficult living with my parents. Me and my mum started arguing. A lot. Little things she did annoyed me. I started to want my own place desperately, a far cry from how I was when I had just had Ava, I had grown up. I would cry about it most days wanting to move came an obsession. I would look at properties online all day everyday and imagine myself in them. I nearly took a disgusting flat, it was Tommy that made me realise. After that I tried not to think about it but It was still there in my head, I NEEDED to move. Eventually Tommy came up with viewings randomly, to my delight we viewed a place and liked it and with the deposit saved up safe and sound in our bank account we were good to go. I faced the most painful, longest, agonising week of my life hoping everything would go through okay, I cant explain to you how it felt when we got a moving date. That was a magical day. To be honest it didn't seem real I was on cloud 9 and thought I was watching someone else moving into their place. That night felt good. Relaxed. Now came the next challenge.


I had it, all I had wanted. But I was in a new place that was completely alien to me. I had gone from Essex to Woodley In berks over night. It was new. I had no idea what was in my area, where the busses went, where the local hospital was ect. it took months to get used too and to know. At first and I will be honest I felt I didn't belong, I mean how can someone who knows nothing about the place and had a noticeable different accent belong? On top of it all the whole flat was my responsibility , that was daunting, more daunting than motherhood strangely enough. I had too cook dinners if not my family didn't eat, I had to do all the washing if not my family had no clothes, I would have to get the shopping in to make sure I was able to cook, I had to make sure we didn't run out of money and make sure the rent was paid on time to make sure we didn't become homeless. I had to make sure the house was clean so that my kids don't live in a dirt pit and get unhealthy. It was stressful, before I only had to look after myself and make sure my kids were looked after and fed. Now Everything was down to me and with Tom at work If I didn't do it, it would fall apart. I'm not going to lie it took a while to find my feet.

Fortunately now all is okay. Yes I am in a new place to where I grew up, but this area is now home, its where my children will grow up. when we drive back into Woodley, I feel relaxed I feel at ease and familiar I feel, 'ahhh I'm home'. I know what is around me. On the house chores side of it, I am no longer stressing, I am on top of it all once a day is done I sit on the sofa with a sense of achievement feeling like I have just climbed mount Everest and won the FA cup all in one day. All in all I am so happy, I'm so happy I have moved and I am so happy my attitude towards moving changed. Me and my mum get a long so much better too!


Its crazy how much your life can change and how your views can change but if I have one bit of advice to others, if you feel an urge to do something like chase your dreams or a change in your views don't fight it go with it, it is part of you evolving and is a growth of your life and your character.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Where Have We Been?!?

 

What Happened To Us?

 

I suppose you can say us and our blog dropped off the radar. You would be right. We stopped blogging suddenly with no warnings, not even to ourselves. I know what many people will be thinking, what makes two young girls who are seemingly very happy just stop? If we were from the outside reading our blogs we would be thinking the same. But from personal experience we can both say there can be many reasons, some being life events that you just can't see coming. The reasons to our disappearing act will be explained in depth in future posts. But we can now give you some sort of understanding.  

 

 

Katie

 

 

As you would have knew before we stopped blogging Katie had a number of health problems, a couple being ulcerative colitis and Ankylosing spondylitis. In the past few months Katie's condition has not started to improve she has got a little worse. Katie has been on different painkillers for her increasing pain, she is trying to find the right pain relief to get to her pain. She is also having flare ups very often now. Near enough every night. Safe to say she doesn't get much sleep. The side effects from medication, her illnesses and her lack of sleep have made her have severe fatigue. This leaves her felling pretty poo! she cant pluck up the energy to sit and blog ect. As you can imagine due to her illness and the effects they have on her life it gets her down leading to an on going battle with depression, unfortunately until her health starts to improve her depression prob wont either. She is very much the second half of this blog so I wish her well very soon!!!

 

 

Beth

 

 

 

 

Now we come to me, Beth. The reasons for me were all pretty much new. I had moved to a new town, I have been trying to adjust and settle in both for me and my children. This became my number one priority. It wasn't easy, It was a whole life adjustment for a number of reasons which will be explained in a future blog post. I have now also been diagnosed with depression. This is very hard to talk about. I don't like talking about it, but I feel I now have to share my experiences to help both me and anyone else that have also got it.

 

 

These reasons are the background of the fact we disappeared. I look forward into going into more detail. Katie still  isn't feeling 100% as I explained she maybe doing the odd post when she feels up to It, she is still very much involved in the blog just behind the scenes a bit more at the moment.

 

I can't wait to you are back doing regular posts Katie!!

 

 

WE ARE BACK!!!

 

LotsOfLove

Beth....xxx

Young and pregnant, follow your heart

I fell pregnant young, I know what its like the stares the sniggers the evils. People will judge and people will think they know best infact they will be pretty convinced they know best they may even convince you young pregnant person that they know better for your future than you do!

The whole negativity that comes from some people when they see this young person showing off her bump buying the babies first booties baby grows and outfits fill the area in which they are in. They can actually make this young  mum  to be feel very uncomfortable they choose to reschedule their shopping trip. While I think that getting it from the public is bad it is much worse coming off family and friends. You get family members who tend to tut at the way your destiny is going, they tut like they have never put a foot wrong. From personal experience it gave a family member a reason to get very nosy and once they had all the info they needed decided they no longer wanted to talk to me. Nice. Oh and a member of  the same family actually deleted me off of social media for it. These people where blood related to me. They treated me like, well I cant say with using bad language but you get the point. Now while I have sort of built bridges with one the other I have not and do not wish too. This woman is means nothing to me anymore. I must say that what they did seem subtle to the next thing I am about to mention. It happened to me when I was pregnant I don't know if it has happened to any of my fellow young mums. The trump card, "I think abortion would be best" This had me riled when it was said to me. This lady was telling me from her experience apparently but how dare she? I was 17 years old young and pregnant confused and hormonal but no I was not stupid and I knew that I loved my unborn baby more than anything and one thing was for sure I was keeping my baby so how dare she say that to me? 

I must say this is a big issue with people trying to manipulate  young minds. But what I cannot stand also is parents saying "I wanted the best or better for her" like what the hell! how naïve just because you have a baby does not mean its the end. Your child can still have a career ect everything they originally set out to do except they will have a little companion in tow. Look at me, yes I didn't set my stakes high but I accomplished my dream of becoming a hairdresser.  Having a baby does not mean its the end you can still achieve your dreams and that would be my advice to other young mums. Yes it may be a shock but don't make any harsh decisions think for a while and don't let anyone make a decision for you this is your life your future your baby YOUR choice.

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

  

Don't know, Don't Judge

As many of you may have experienced when having a child many of your friends may not talk to you as much, you spend your time knee high deep in nappies, playing comedian to your gorgeous little bundle taking snapshots of every wide eyed cheeky smile and taking on the whole new language of baby talk in order to engage in full length conversations with your gorgeous little person. So while doing all this you tend to forget that you ever had a social life. When you do eventually remember, your friends have moved on and to be honest speaking from my experience the drinking evenings well any evenings out past 11pm is just not your scene anymore partly because your simply just too tired and well  you don't want to leave your precious baby for too long. So it goes without saying you find a new sense of social life one in which you can spend with your child and be home way before 11pm. The answer? Baby groups.

Well I got the chance to join said baby group, I didn't honestly think I would get the confidence to hit it off with any other mums because well quite frankly engaging in full length conversations with people I barely know talking about intimate details like child birth sparing no details was not a strong point. Quite honestly my shyness sucked. I wouldn't mind but it only shows itself sometimes. Needless to say I did engage and too my surprise it was not that scary and I found myself enjoying the detailed stories of child birth and being able to compare experiences. I completely enjoyed going every week and having mums to relate to and having baby friends for my little Bella. It was refreshing something new. I never did any baby groups with Ava, I still had a close friend to go on shopping trips with and be social with ect but that's for another post! As you can imagine I was quite sad when the group came to  an end. delightfully myself and the other ladies exchanged numbers and agreed to meet up, this is a perk to baby groups.

I bet you wonder why on earth I am rambling and want me to get to the point of the title well don't worry I am ...

We met up we had a fab time seeing everyone in another setting (a certain coffee shop beginning with a C) we had in depth convos about parenting shared advice and got to know each other very well.  We all got on perfectly so much so we arranged another meeting. This second meeting is when I started seeing a certain person in a whole new light. We discussed our ages after revealing mine a certain member of the group started to act funny with me, didn't seem to want to  smile at me talk directly to me or quite frankly listen to me. To be honest at first I thought I was being paranoid, but after another meeting she was still the same.

Now why would you judge a person on age? Just because I am younger than the rest of the group does not mean I know nothing. For a start I have 2 children to her 1 I have tons of advice more I could give as I have been done that before. Yes no baby is the same and even I am still learning. These people who judge on matters such as age seriously don't know the person. I have been through some dark times in my nearly 22 years which I have not opened up about to the blog world yet. These are things most people do not go through in their entire life time.

Tonight as I am writing this post asking why? Why does age have to make some one change toward you? Yeah some younger people can be immature but not all, saying that she was fine with me before she found out, had conversations with me listened ect. So literally because of my age that makes the  difference. How does that change the person that I am?

I have thought this over time and time again in my head thinking this is my fault something I have done when the other day I stopped and thought no Bethany you have not done anything wrong your age is not your fault you cant help the year in which you were born and your a mature great person. No, this is small mindedness of small minded people. I would say to people who judge simply don't. You don't know anyone back story you don't know their experiences. In your mind your thinking you look better but you don't. Stop think and get to know. You will look better to people and feel better.

REMEMBER ... Don't judge a book by its cover.

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Life/Health/General Update//Katie

For a few weeks now I haven't written an post, turned on my laptop, looked on bloglovin or even logged into blogger. The first week I was preparing for Essex and I had a hospital appointment to do with my Colitis so I didn't have time to use my laptop and then the 2nd week I was in Essex and although there is Wi-Fi there I like to spend family time and make the most of my time there. 3rd week so last week wasn't a good week in terms of my chronic illnesses so I thought I would just start blogging again on a Monday with a fresh mind and hopefully am back on track and into a routine again.


I've been on Steroids for the past two weeks for my Colitis and the side effects are bloody awful. I go back to the Gastro to see if I will carry on with the Steroids or another type of treatment. I will update and speak about this more in another post. Last week I visited the Dietician and gotten loads of information and have totally changed my diet so might do a post about that as its been hard and interesting. I had the best time in Essex the other week and it was so good to just free my mind, clear my mind and come back to Windsor with a fresh mind-set.

When I came back from Essex I felt motivated and although I had a bad train journey home with illnesses but I felt good but then when Sunday came I totally lost that motivation. It was a mixture of depression, anxiety, colitis, Ankylosing spondylitis, family being dicks and general being pissed off so I thought I am not in the right mind frame to blog or basically be human and socialise. Next Monday I am back to Essex for a week again and now that the kids are back to school I am going to let Beth do lots of blogging while I look after Bella for her... I haven't told her this but I'm sure she will be okay with it haha.

So this week I have to get my shit together! I have a doctors appointment on Wednesday, collect my monthly prescription, pack for Essex and try and blog as much as I can. Saying that it all depends on how my Colitis and back are. This post is just to explain where I have been and that I am back with a fresh mind :)

Love Katie

 

Twenty Three Years Old

     Image via Pinterest 

So today is my 23rd birthday and for the first time ever that I'm not really bothered if I have cake or celebrate to be honest. Not having my Nieces, Brother & Beth is probably 50% of the reason I'm not bothered but the other 50% would defiently be my two illnesses, anxiety and depression. Last year I wasn't that bad as was only 3 months into when the pains started and I wasn't even diagnosed then. Now it's much different, I know I can't drink as today I start a strong painkiller for nerve pain, I can't eat too much or if any cake due to my colitis as it's very up in the air lately, I haven't got much money or much family around to go and do something so to me it's just going to be an ordinary day. 

    See I was once a blonde ha 

So far I think I've been through quite a lot in my life. For a 23 year old, I've suffered with many illnesses since I was about 16 year old, suffered with heartache, loss of family members, self harm, depression, eating disorder, anxiety, panic attacks and alot of hurt in my life and obviously I wished I never suffered with any of them but in a weird way it's made me very mature and my head is screw on. I done clubbing the drinking the partying til late and all of that stuff when I was 16/17 so when I got to 18 I wanted to calm down and settle which no one around me was doing.

   Few years ago when I was happy with my weight meh! 

I've had the worse luck in my life too be honest with love, career, education and personal stuff. I've never been the one to know what exactly what career I wanted. I always wanted to have a husband and my own family while everyone my age was out in Ibiza doing summers over there. When I had an misscarriage in 2012 that was when a light switch on in my head and made me realise I need to concertrate on myself, I'm too young  for my own family and that I need to live a little first. I tried and tried, I went to job interviews that worked out well, got the jobs and always something would happen health wise that would make me not able to start those jobs. I didn't have any real friends and I had a few years of just feeling stuck and being down.

   2014 - an amazing year.

In 2014, my life changed for the better. Ava and Bethany walked into my life and since then I have been so lucky and blessed to have a sister in law who is also my best friend, she helped me more than she knows. Beth has helped my confidence and I feel 100% safe now knowing I actually have a true friend that I haven't had since I was 16 years old. And then Ava who when I meet her she couldn't even talk much or climb onto my bed and now she telling me stories and cuddles me and says she loves me. I absolutely adore this little girl and being an auntie is the best thing ever happened to me. It's made me a stronger, happier and wiser person. Yeah 2014 was mainly a lot of bad luck health wise & family stuff but the memories that me, tommy, Bethany, Ava and my mother made are ones I will never forget. Then end of 2014  my life got even better and I gained another beautiful niece. Bella Mai has made all of our lives complete. I cannot wait to make even more memories with my nieces. 

    Me as a baby haha 

To finish this post I have included a picture above of me as a baby which I think slightly looks abit like Bella Mai. So in 23 years I have had more downs than ups but I'm so lucky to be alive. I hope I have my own family one day and to me my main goal in life is to able to have a baby and if I can't have babies then I shall be adopting LOTS of puppies haha.

So happy birthday to me. Time to open cards, no pressies yet and get drunk on erm coffee as going for a costa lunch. How exciting are birthdays eh!!! I want a party with musical chairs, pass the parcel and party bags. Growing up isn't fun. 

Love Katie 

Tommy & Beth: Our Little Love Story

So I thought it would be a good idea to tell you all how I came to find my true prince charming (sorry for the cringe factor!) and became to be a part of this lovely family...

Never being one to go out clubbing, drinking ect, I knew finding
love wouldn't be easy and would only be in with a chance of 'pulling' once a year (prob Christmas or New Year). Not that I was going out looking for men, but you are always aware that you could possibly go home at the end of the night with either a big ego and a new number on your contact list or with ya self esteem shot down and asking yourself why you have a phone. I had come to a point in my life where I realised love wouldn't come knocking at my door and decided to give internet dating a try... 

I used to be very skeptical about internet dating due to the amount of horror stories you hear about them... and believe me there are a few questionable characters on there, but I decided to put my hesitations to one side and give it a go! Why not? 
I found myself getting a lot of private messages of cringy chat up lines and getting into some weird conversations with some strange men its then I started questioning my decision on joining the site so I signed myself off. 
Its scary to think I almost never met the 'one' and how different my life could have ended up, I thank my lucky stars I had one last random check of my online dating inbox, because sitting there was a message from a guy who was sweet, kind and thoughtful a guy who as soon as saw his picture just looked different from the rest, maybe it was the look in his eye I don't know. It was the message I had hoped for from the the man I had always dreamed of, my future husband. 


The first picture I saw of Tommy ... 

With  his number in my inbox I excitedly sent the first text message and we have not looked back. We was texting non stop from that point on. I can remember getting butterflies in my stomach every time I saw he had messaged me and my fingers were twitching to text back. Not long after starting our text conversations we decided it was time for a phone call and one evening he rung me, his voice was like magic, all I thought it would be and more we clicked even  more and spent 5 hours on the phone not going asleep til early hours. Every night on from that we would speak on the phone for 3 hours each time, needless to say our phone bills took a bashing but it was so worth it!. To be honest, I think our families got a bit annoyed at us talking through the night and keeping them up but I am sure they would now agree that they wouldn't have had it any other way because we have ended up so happy. 

Our first date: 

I was on at Tom to come and see me, with him the only one that drove it made sense that he came to me first and Tommy being the gentleman he is wouldn't have it any other way. Once Tommy finally set a date to come and see me I was buzzing for the two weeks leading up to it and the Saturday couldn't come round quick enough,tho it felt like those weeks dragged!! When the day finally came I spent ages getting ready and couldn't shake the feeling of butterflies! I even  made my mum answer the door because I was so nervous! I didn't want him to see me and  be disappointed because believe me when I laid eyes on him for that first time I felt like a Disney princess staring into the eyes of my handsome prince charming.We had a lovely time going for Nandos  and to the cinema, we laughed and joked and just clicked straight away it felt like we had known each other forever, we even had our first kiss! By the time it came to say goodbye I felt like part of me was leaving, so we arranged a meeting in London the next weekend.We have been inseparable ever since.

My first trip to Windsor:

Tommy took me to meet his family in Windsor not long after our trip to London, it was the most amazing weekend of my life! As soon as I entered the family home everyone was immediately welcoming and kind. We spent our first nights together and woke up to each other it was bliss. Tommy took me to nandos and Windsor castle, I remember kissing Tom in the car when we got back from the castle, I just remember thinking how perfect my life was, I still think that. When Tommy took me back to Essex that Sunday it was so hard to say could bye with both of us ending up in tears. We missed each other so much I ended up returning on the Wednesday. 

 Where are we now?:

We have never been apart since our weekend in Windsor, Tommy soon moved in with me in Essex at my parents home but due to work commitments we have recently moved to Windsor. Since the day we met me and Tom have got engaged hoping to marry next year and I am currently 8 months pregnant with a baby girl, not forgetting our beautiful daughter Ava. I am the happiest woman alive, my life is fulfilled with and wonderful husband to be and two beautiful daughters. Although we have our ups and downs and the odd argument we are stronger than any couple you will ever know, we are meant to be Tom is my soul mate. We are a team and get through any obstacles together. I love him so much and always will do. 

Thats mine and Toms story, for those of you that want a nice little quick read, this is a little insight to our lives so far. 

Hope you enjoyed, remember true love never dies ...

Lots Of Love 
Beth ...xxx