My Mind And Me - Three Sides To Me

Three Sides To Me

It was the little things that made all the difference. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. It didn't take much to make me happy but then it didn't take much to make me pissed off either. I supposed pissed off was a light way to describe it. More like severe dramatic over reacting fucked off. Then you had the middle of the spectrum which peered its head up every now and then but not that much. Sadness. Pure sadness. I don't mean sad in general I mean I would get sad about things, simple things, like Tommy going to work.

You know what I don't even  know if it was sadness, more like pure desperation. I remember some mornings I would lay there hoping his alarm wouldn't go off so he would miss work, heck it did cross my mind to turn his alarm off. But I never did. We lived with my mum in Essex and he had to travel to Berkshire to work everyday, leaving at 5am and sometimes not returning till 7pm maybe later. So you could understand why I was so desperate to keep him at home with me, it felt like I hardly saw him during the week. I started to resent his work, and him I guess. I felt like he didn't want to be home. He did and he did want to be around me he was just doing what he could to support us. I can see that now. But at the time I was blinded by what my mind was telling me, because that's what it was something in my mind twisting the truth. Having the girls to look after everyday kept me afloat if not I think I could have been your classic lay in a dark room all day depressive. But of course I wasn't depressed. I didn't think so.

Like I said there were different sides of this and unfortunately I have to express them to you. Only that way you can get an understanding of what my head must have been like, only I now can understand myself after I've read what I've wrote and I lived it. Anyway back to topic. So I had done the whole waking up, sad desperation wishing I had Tom staying home. And yes I have had the paranoia where I was scared he was going to leave me, the hundreds of texts I sent just to check if we were okay. Yes I was a  nightmare I know but don't tell me you ladies haven't done something similar depression, anxiety  ect or not. But anyway the paranoia speaks for itself not much to say on  that. Evening would come around I would feed the girls and bath them  by myself, when I was lucky Tom would be home to just make bath time but that weren't often, of course that weren't his fault it was depending on what time work finished and the bloody traffic on the m25 (shitty road). Now incase you haven't gathered by now, my third post, my mind wasn't of normal thinking. Yes that's right you guessed it. He was in the wrong. My blood boiling, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of escaping me (wouldn't have blamed him) must have been running through his head. I am clever I noticed it. By now I had rehearsed my argument 5 times in my head already. By the time that car pulled up I was all fired up and ready to go! Of course silent treatment HAD to occur first (I'm still a woman), he needed to know something was wrong though by now he was probably expecting it. You know weirdly when my well rehearsed argument actually left my lips it made no bloody sense. What the fuck? It was perfect I had a point, he should be on his knees saying sorry (for what? who the hell knows) but he wasn't he was laughing at me  and calling out my shit points. Of course that would end up with me going well into one storming about and locking myself in bathroom after slamming the door pretending to go for the longest wee in history. These matters would resolve themselves but they would soon reoccur.

Of course there was a happier side to my mind! Like I said I was very easy to make happy too. I lived for children and something else, the weekends! We were all together, as a family. The man I had missed so terribly all week was home I was going to make the most of them days. We would just make little trips to Asda to get Bellas jars, or just to browse round but to me it would be the most special time. It would make me smile so much. And I would be so content. I loved it when  we were all together. On a really good weekend when we had the money, Id get my eyebrows done, I would get replacement leggings, you girls will know the hassle with the holes that primark leggings ALWAYS produce. Now these days I would be ecstatic. No I weren't going anywhere fancy, no I weren't buying the next designer thing, but I was with the people I cared about the most  and I was treating myself to a little something. Could you imagine what I was like if we went out for a meal I was like a child hyped up of thousands of sweets. Like I said it didn't take a lot to set of that smile, just like it didn't take a lot to set off them tears  and the rage.

There were so many days I thought Tommy was going to throw in the towel, and he probably did think about it once or twice or even more. But he never did. He is still by my side, I think I still take him a bit for granted but writing it out like this really opens my eyes. I don't think I could have stuck it out with me like that so I really see clearly how lucky I am, Tommy is my rock I love him dearly and he is always there for me. Thank you Tom. Thank you so much.

This like my other two posts is only a part of my story, I hope you stick with me so I can take you through my journey, maybe even for some of you to relate too. My inbox (twitter) is always there.

Look out for my mind and me part 4 next week.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Little Ballerina

Our Lovely Readers,

As you all know we have recently moved from Essex to Berkshire, so enough of a distance. I have recently posted the effects the move has had on me and I how I have dealt with it, But I haven't gone into  detail on the effects it had on my girls. Bella being so young she hasn't noticed at all. She wouldn't have noticed if we were living on earth or outta space as long as she was fed washed and loved. That we have always done, so explains how the move went over her head. Ava though was that much older and knowing so she noticed.

Ava was very happy about the move in general and on the out side. She would constantly tell us how she loved her new home and run around like a nutter. Prior to the move Ava had been settled in a nursery and loving it, she had friends and her 'work' was coming along great, she became a right little social butterfly. It practically ripped my heart out having to pull her out of that nursery. I thought she was going to take it worse than she did, but actually she was alright. It was a shock how she took It but made me so proud. Since she has always commented about her friends and it tugs at my heart strings whenever she does, making the decision to not put her into a nursery here prob made it more. You see there is not long till she goes to school  and being in some sort of child care since the age of 9 months I wanted some time with her before she grew up even more and went to school. Selfish? Probably but I had her interests at heart too, I didn't want to get her settled all over again just so she  could leave and start school, it was too a much all at once, I felt. I had my health visitor practically pressuring me to get her into nursery which made me question my decision, it took courage I believe to follow my instincts and say no its my decision. However Ava kept saying about her friends and I couldn't  stop the guilt eat away at me and I did question my choices, but as she never said anything in a sad way it made it easier. At the same time Ava's behaviour became worse it led me to wonder why, was it the move? the lack of socialising with other children? I don't know. I was still adamant of my decision and that was not going to change, once my mind is made up its  made up. Its a pain in the bum sometimes haha. Ava has inherited that off of me too. So any way I started to look at other ways I could get her into socialising with other children.

Of course there were a lot of groups ran round here, but that's not what I was looking for. I wanted some form of consistency. Its what Ava needed. I wanted her to see the same groups of people every week, make friends and rebuild her confidence in them social situations (she had started going shy again). This is when I felt like I had been given a gift from god. A new dance studio had opened literally next to me. I thought I would look into the prices ect. To my delight the prices were so good I couldn't believe it, and they did dancing for Avas age! she chose ballet which I knew she would. Seeing the delight on her face when I told her she could go was priceless, I will never forget it. She was so excited when  she first went as she is every week. A whole burst of energy comes out of her on ballet days. She's improving every week too! Not just on the dancing but on the socialising half too. She is making friends. The first lesson she wouldn't talk to anyone, it did make me worry, but now she will involve her self. I am so proud of her. Ballet was a saviour. Its helped maintain the progress we made with nursery. More surprisingly its turned out the ballet is something she really wants to do, she is always practicing her feet ect. Right now I am happy with the decision I have made. I get to spend time with her before school and she still has interaction with other children. I am one extremely happy and proud mummy right now.  

The dance studio Ava goes to is Vibez in Woodley Reading their prices are cheap but lessons are good and lovely people, I any of you live near I recommend if interested.

Thanks for reading :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Mummy Vs Dummy

Hello our lovely readers,

As mummies and daddies we all have that one enemy that is always trying to get the better of us. Do you all know what I am talking about? yes it is the DUMMY. This fabulous creation that soothes your little one, helps them to sleep, helps them when they are upset and offers that little bit of comfort when we cannot be there. Yes sweet things aren't they, gift sent from heaven. That is until they decide they need a break and do a disappearing act. Now most of them do a temporary disappearing act but you do get the odd one that likes to jump for its life out of the buggy to leave us forever.

Why I am I speaking as If they are a living thing you may be wondering? Well there is just no way my sweet innocent daughter could get these dummies into the nooks and crannies they end up in I mean  how on earth do they get in these places. There are two explanations, either they are alive and have us all fooled or my daughter has the intelligence of Einstein at 16 months. The disappearance of dummies got to me by the time Bella was a year old and I decided to give a Wubbanub a go, they are and American type dummy with a little cuddly toy attached.

Above is Bellas WubbaNub she has the pink bear and she LOVES it. She takes it everywhere, its good its a dummy and cuddly all in one. You can get them from American sites but they can be a bit pricey I get Bellas for around £13 each (that's cheap) from a UK seller on eBay.

You would think this would be harder to loose wouldn't you. WRONG. we had a nightmare last week. We put Bella to bed with her Wubbanub and as by magic in the morning it had vanished, It was like penn and teller had been performing magic tricks in her room. How does that happen?? how is it literally there one minuet and gone the next? it was the strangest thing. It got even stranger when me and Tom searched from top to bottom in all the little nooks and crannies and it was no where to be seen. For a week we were holding hope that It was going to turn up, but I then resigned myself to the fact that the little bear had got up on its little legs and ran away so I ordered her a new one. It seems the threat of being replaced scared the little wubbanub, and poof it popped up. Are you serious? After a week of searching high a low, I order a new one and then there it is sitting in a bag in my living room.

It has since be confirmed that my older daughter put it there, 'she was tidying up' as she told us, bless. Its not yet proven that dummies have a life of their own yet but when news comes to light I will be first one there to hear about it ;) haha.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Toddler Toilet Torture!!

My beautiful 3 year old Ava, Is a happy smily active clever 3 year old. She is not a sucky child and is always cheeky to the max! Such a joy to have and joy to look after making us cry with laughter every single day.

BUT then my daughter that I know and love disappears and this little girl who is curled up in pain & screaming turns up Infront of me and I felt helpless and panicky because this little girl is my daughter and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. 

Sounds odd don't it? You see my little princess has been suffering with constipation for well over a year and I have had endless trips upstage hospital with her and would you believe things are not much better! It all started with the "classic" constipation where she didn't go to the toilet for days. Eventually when she went unnoticed a small amount of blood, and took her up the hospital. I got reassured that she was okay and was told to try lactilose. So I did. It didn't work. I then found myself up there again and got sent away with movicol and some diet changes. This worked for a bit and thought we were going somewhere.

Oh how wrong was. My poor little girl got hit with constipation again. This time she appeared to be in more pain. Walking around on her tip toes but going to the toilet a little bit. I have to give her disprol instead of calpol as she don't like taking medicine. With a history of bowel problems in the family I took her too the hospital I want her to be referred to pediatrician because the amount of pain she is in is horrible. Again they basically said its normal and for her to be screaming around the house is normal! He sent me away saying to ask my GP to reffer her he once again prescribe movicol. Now this works sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't and as soon as she is off it for a while she is bad again. I can't keep her on it forever surely!

The GP looked at me like I was mad when I asked for referral. I don't know what avenue to go down I hate seeing my little one in pain but no matter what I do or where I go no one has an answer that helps. I feel useless. She is going to the toilet Aswell but you can tell she is constipated and she is still in pain,  I just want my little ones constipation to clear up for good and so she can be out of pain and we can put it behind us.

Can anyone relate? Any advise this is more of a mums SOS for advice... Please get in touch via Twitter or Instagram EssexToWindsor 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xx