My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

The Weekend - A Special Time

Our Lovely readers

I'm not going to lie I do like the weekend, I do look forward too it. Don't get me wrong I love the weeks with my girls but, there is just something about the weekend when Toms home and we are all together.

I suppose some of  it is relief, it gets tiring during the week, running around after two littlens all day, that's to be expected. I know when Toms home I can share the load....sometimes. There is nothing more aggravating than when I ask  him to do something like change a nappy or make a bottle and he says 'cant you do it'.... I'm sorry what?? I have been doing this all week, I have changed more pooey nappies than I have had hot dinners, I could of bathed in the amount sick that has been produced, I've nearly broke my ankle about 50 times on about 50 different types of toys, I've made so much food I could have fed the army and about 6 world wars have broke out between me and a 4 year old..(this is all in one week) and you want me to change yet another dirty nappy and make another bottle. By this time I have practically turned green like the hulk. So I tell him no I can't 'do it' this is your time daddy boy, your time to be mummy. I would like to tell you this works. But it don't. With all my annoyance I end up caving.. I really need to work on that haha. But no he is really good, he only says that about once a weekend. Other than that I am really lucky and on the weekends I do get a rest. He cooks, amuses the children and does a few nappies and bottles. This weekend I have been really fortunate in him cleaning too!

I also overly enjoy the weekends for family time...this is the main reason for my excitement. We love to do things as a family on the weekends, nothing expensive just quality time. This would be anything from activities at home, to going to the park, to play centres, to picnics or even going to see grandparents. I think family time is very important it keeps you connected and as a unit. I enjoy seeing the girls spend time with daddy, the smile on their faces melts my heart and to be honest nothing will beat that feeling.

To some the weekend is just the weekend. But to me, to us its so much more. Its memories, its my girls childhood, its the only two days a week both parents  are together with them. Its the only two nights, me and Tom can stay up a bit later and spend some quality time together.

All in all my personal definition  of the weekend is - The time of the week for relaxation, family madness, and happy days with a special sprinkling of bonding and memory creating.

I know some of you may find this post boring or irrelevant, but I felt I needed to share what the weekend means to me, so often we go 'thank god its the weekend' but why? Why do we think that? what does the weekend mean to you?


LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Baby Feeding Blast!

So as you all know Bella has a milk intolerance. We had to see a dietician and we had that appointment yesterday. 

I'm going to do a series of blogs about feeding babies with milk intolerance incl signs, recipes and just general advice from my experience. I think it will be good as I have never had anyone to talk to with first hand experience. 

The first thing you have to do when feeding a baby with milk allergies is to read all the labels carefully on EVERYTHING you give baby to obviously make sure there is no milk in the food. Most things that can cause allergies are highlighted in the Ingriendents, and on some labels it will tell you if it includes milk or don't include milk on the front or back, however it doesn't always. Milk mostly comes up as milk and whey. 

If you buy jar food for baby then the pure fruit purées don't have milk included and a range of savoury incl ham pasta, sweet potato bake, Sunday dinner, cottage pie, bolognaise and a few more. I will in a future post list all makes and dinners and sweet things that don't include milk. Also the only baby rice that doesn't incl milk is the plain one. 

Unfortunately most "snacks/finger foods" do include milk. However there are three that I've found which don't, the first is carrot puffs, the second is plain rusks (red packet) although they are made in a factory which uses milk. And the third are Bellas favourite and they are banana wafers made by kiddylicious they also come in blueberry flavour they are gluten free and dairy free. Kiddylicious do a range of products incl strawberry puff which Bella also loved.

Like I said my future posts will include more milk free foods recipes advice and of course updates on Bella! 

I know it's all new a daunting when your child has allergies especially when your new to it and don't know anyone with first hand advice and experience but I hope my posts can help and of course those with no allergies will find this interesting as everyone can eat these foods! 

If you have any questions then please don't hesitate to tweet @EssexToWindsor or contact by Instagram essextowindsor

Hope it helps! 

LotsOfLove 

Beth...xxx

Toddler Toilet Torture!!

My beautiful 3 year old Ava, Is a happy smily active clever 3 year old. She is not a sucky child and is always cheeky to the max! Such a joy to have and joy to look after making us cry with laughter every single day.

BUT then my daughter that I know and love disappears and this little girl who is curled up in pain & screaming turns up Infront of me and I felt helpless and panicky because this little girl is my daughter and there is absolutely nothing I can do to help her. 

Sounds odd don't it? You see my little princess has been suffering with constipation for well over a year and I have had endless trips upstage hospital with her and would you believe things are not much better! It all started with the "classic" constipation where she didn't go to the toilet for days. Eventually when she went unnoticed a small amount of blood, and took her up the hospital. I got reassured that she was okay and was told to try lactilose. So I did. It didn't work. I then found myself up there again and got sent away with movicol and some diet changes. This worked for a bit and thought we were going somewhere.

Oh how wrong was. My poor little girl got hit with constipation again. This time she appeared to be in more pain. Walking around on her tip toes but going to the toilet a little bit. I have to give her disprol instead of calpol as she don't like taking medicine. With a history of bowel problems in the family I took her too the hospital I want her to be referred to pediatrician because the amount of pain she is in is horrible. Again they basically said its normal and for her to be screaming around the house is normal! He sent me away saying to ask my GP to reffer her he once again prescribe movicol. Now this works sometimes. Sometimes it doesn't and as soon as she is off it for a while she is bad again. I can't keep her on it forever surely!

The GP looked at me like I was mad when I asked for referral. I don't know what avenue to go down I hate seeing my little one in pain but no matter what I do or where I go no one has an answer that helps. I feel useless. She is going to the toilet Aswell but you can tell she is constipated and she is still in pain,  I just want my little ones constipation to clear up for good and so she can be out of pain and we can put it behind us.

Can anyone relate? Any advise this is more of a mums SOS for advice... Please get in touch via Twitter or Instagram EssexToWindsor 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xx

Getting Depression Again?

Am I getting depression again?

I've suffered with Depression throughout my childhood, teenager years and early adult years so I know every sign possible. I've gone to every type of therapy and counselling possible and also been on many anti depression medication. But since 2012, I haven't been on any anti depression tablets and I attended Therapy early 2012 but I stopped going because I felt like it wasn't working and I wanted to try and get on with my life without any therapy or meds ect. So I would say I haven't been depressed for many of years but obviously I have suffered with feeling down alot but how do you stop classing it as feeling down and class it as depression? 

This year has been the best but also the worse year. My Brother got engaged, him and Beth are expecting a baby girl very soon, I've had some amazing memories with My Niece Ava and other memories with family which has made this year amazing but also I've had the worse luck with my health with being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, having problems with my bowels which has resulted in me having an operation on 24th December this year and also problems with my Womb/Lady stuff so that has been really hard to deal and cope with. 

Obviously everyone is entitled to have there down days but lately I had more down days than any good days which has made me think am I suffering with depression again? I don't want to go back on Medication as Im on alot of medication at the mo due to my back condition and I don't want to have anymore and also the side effect to more anti depression aint nice and I can do without them. When Beth lived here it was like having a therapist to talk to every night and I would bore her with my rants and random talks but since Beth has moved back to Essex I obviously haven't spoken to her like I use to which I think is one of the reasons I think Im suffering with depression again. Having someone to talk to is a MASSIVE help and sometimes it is just as helpful as medication. When I go to my next monthly update with my GP I will mention this to him and how I am feeling because I really want to go into 2015 feeling a good as possible. I know I will never be 100% happy because being ill mostly every single minute makes it impossible to feel happy but I would like to be at least 60% happy instead of like 20% happy I feel lately. 

Depression is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I accept I will more than likely get depression throughout my life. I suffer badly with Anxiety and panic attacks which at the moment Im getting really bad Anxiety so much!! Shopping, busy places and being alone is freaking me out lately. Previous years I have ignored going to the doctors to get help and it has ended up getting worse and worse but Im determined to get help and to get better ASAP. 

I will update and write another post when I have been to the doctors and maybe will give tips on how to get better ect. 

Love Katie 
xx