Break explanation

Hello Lovlies,

OMG two weeks out! I do apologise for taking a two week break but we all need time off right? Things just got on top of me I suppose, not taking my anti depressants didn't help. I know I know I need to take them  and can't come off them cold turkey but what's a girl to do when the funds aren't there? I needed to pick up my prescription from the chemist but as one of the few on a low income but for some what reason the government decide don't need help I wasn't able to afford to pick up my medication. I pay for my scripts as and when so its a nightmare!! That reminds me I should set up the pre paid thing. So yeah I've been feeling pretty low. Along with that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I'll have terrible problems falling asleep and then when I do go off I cant hold a sleep and will be waking up every hourish. That along with having low iron levels has left me walking around like a zombie. I am on tablets for my low iron but I am a nightmare for remembering to take the damn things, anyone else like that? Things come to ahead Friday when Katie insisted I go doctors and accompanied me for moral support. I broke down in there after getting prescribed medication to help me sleep. That wasn't before the bloody doctor pre judged me as a weed smoking alcoholic. Apparently when  you cant sleep and turn up with no make up on that's what you automatically become.

Thanks to Katie for buying my scripts for me I was finally able to get back on the mend by taking my anti depressants again and taking my sleep meds. After a few nights good sleep I'm starting to gradually feel a bit better and more relaxed. Relaxed enough to start blogging again. If I am honest I've missed my blogging in the last couple of weeks, it makes  me feel so much better. Being able to vent and let you guys what's going on makes me feel good. It just a shame that no matter how much I wanted to get back on the laptop I just didn't feel able to.

Not to worry now though, I am back, I've had a break and I'm looking forward to writing for you all again. This was a post to let you know why I've been quiet and to read our posts this week, starting with one tomorrow :)

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Katie's Health Update #9

So my last health update was only a few a weeks ago here but since then I have a few things to update you all on.

COLITIS
Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital for a check up and instead of the appointment being under the Gastroenterology clinic, it was under the general surgery clinic which I didn't understand why to be honest and nor did the Doctor. Luckily the doctor I saw is someone I have been under for nearly 3 years now so she knew my history and what was going on. She looked at my report from my last colonoscopy and explained where my Colitis is and told me a lot more than I ever have been told. I explained to her how I don't think Asacol are doing much for me anymore and my flare up is so unbearable at the moment. She wrote me out a prescription for Steroids (not sure what they called) and has put me under the Gastroenterology department and for them to see me urgent/in few weeks time. I took my Mother with me and I am glad to be honest as it is always different from a doctor explaining my condition rather than me. So although my flare up is bad at the moment, my fatigue is horrible, still loosing weight and eyes are being affected but I felt like finally the hospital are doing something about it. 

ARTHRITIS
My Gabapentin medication have been upped to 300mg and the side effects from the 200mg was affecting me a lot so now it is higher the side effects are worse. The side effects are worth it to be honest as the medication itself does help with my back pain. I get  days where my back is in bits and then days where it is manageable with painkillers but never a day where I am not in pain. Over the past few weeks the pain has been going back of bum, legs and near my hips which happens every now and then. When the weather gets cold my Arthritis plays up a lot so although I love the cold weather, I am not looking forward to it.
  
ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/PANIC ATTACKS
My depression hasn't been good to be honest, I've had more down days than up days this month. My GP has upped my Sertraline to 200mg and have referred me to an Psychiatrist. My GP explained that because he has upped my dose of Antidepressants and I haven't heard back from Therapy than he feels that me being seen by an Psychiatrist will be more helpful than waiting for an Therapist appointment. I told him how the more pain I get with both of my illnesses that the more depressed I feel and as I can't control any of my illnesses/they wont get cured that I feel like I need to learn how to control my depression ASAP. As for my Anxiety that is always there in the back on my mind in some way or another. Whether if I am not in an anxious place, I will always feel on edge. I wrote a post HERE about fear and Guilt of an Chronic Illness and in this post I explained what fear I have lately and part of that is feeling anxious. As for my Panic Attacks, I haven't really been in any panicky environment to make me panic lately. I went to Essex at the beginning of August and obviously I've mentioned how I used to have a fear of trains ect and that is where my panic attacks started but I have gotten over the fear but I still do panic as I think it would be totally impossible of me to stop panicking while I am on the tube/train. My Brother picked me up on the way there and on the way back I got the tube and train back and luckily the tube was there quick and so was the train so I didn't have any time to panic.

OTHER
I wrote a post HERE about my Eye dramas over the past few weeks so read that if you want to know what happened. I am still on eye drops and to be honest the eye pain has gone but both of my eyes are still so red. The eye Doctor did explain how he was worried as people with Colitis/Ankylosing Spondylitis do get bad eyes so he did say he was going to send me to an specialist so I guess I shall have to wait for that appointment letter to come through. That's pretty much it for my health this month and I have no more appointments left for this month. In September I have Dietician which is to do with my Colitis as I am struggling with what to eat lately and then I have my Monthly GP app middle of the month.

I shall keep you all posted on how I get on with the Steroids for my Colitis which I haven't got yet as the chemist had to order them in. Also touch wood my eyes start to get better.

Love Katie xx  

Pain Is Lonely

I saw this quote on Pinterest and instantly  agreed and can relate to it so much. Having two Chronic Illnesses has made my life changed so much and most of the time I feel lonely. I have to decline some family events or days out because of the pain which makes me incredulity down and lonely. I spend most days at home, in my bedroom, in pain and dosed up on painkillers and other medication I'm on. Apart from the rare occasion of days out, the only day trips are hospital and doctors appointments. I see my GP twice a month which can be more it depends, consultant for my Colitis, consultant for my Back and Pain Management Clinic  so my diary is always filled up with appointments. Soon to have a check up update appointment on my fertility/ovary ect which will mean doctors/nurse app, ultrasound and then to a gynaecologist and not forgetting the blood tests I have regularly. Being ill itself is like a full time job and I hate when people think we are lazy and I tell you what, I would swap my pain for a normal full time job anyday. 

Pain wakes me up at 3/4am so I can be up til 6am and that when I feel lonely most. I'm so glad one of my dogs sleeps in my bedroom overnight. Buster always wakes up if I'm in pain to check how I am, he is a bloody diamond. Pain can even make me feel mad and angry sometimes. Angry that I can't sleep, angry when I get to sleep that the pain wakes me up, angry when family members think I'm lazy, angry when you don't see the doctor you trust and always see, angry when they say " We need to see you in 6/8 weeks but we have no appointments til 3 months time", angry when the chemist give you wrong amont of tablets, angry when the chemist  forgets to put in a certain medication. There are many more reasons that make me angry, mad and lonely but I would be here all day if I said them all. 

I've always be a person who likes their own company but since being ill it's made me realise how much I'm greatful for when I spend time with people. A weekend in Essex with my family is basically like a holiday for me and I try to not let pain get to me. Although pain is there constantly but when I'm happy with people I love I make myself try to ignore it. The train/tube journey to Essex absolutely kills my back & last time I was feeling sick due to my medication side effects but I tried to put that to the back of my mind and think of the reason I'm on the train. 

Pain is lonely but people with Chronis Illnesses and people who suffer with pain we need to not let it make us anymore lonely. Also it is totally okay to feel lonely and it is normal to, don't let people make you think you're lazy. We are ill for god sake and the amont of bloody side effect medications gives us we are totally allowed to rest. 

Love Katie xx 

Katie's Health Update #5

Pics from my last operation.

Opps!! Its been well over a month since I done my last update here. I have honestly had so much going on that I have forgotten lol!! So my last update I told you all that I was getting ready for my next operation on the 29th January and I posted about it here. Click on that link to hear more but without going into too much detail it hurt so much, the actual operation and recovery itself was so painful. I get the results from this operation and my operation in December on 20th Feb so soon which I shall keep you all updated on. 



I also had my back specialist appointment few days before my last operation and I didn't get any answers I thought I would of gotten. The specialist I never seen her before and in all honesty I didn't like her, she didn't ask much questions, didn't read my notes properly and basically she has forward me to another specialist. That is only problem with my back people is that I never see the same person which is annoying. The first person I saw who is my actual main doctor for back she was brilliant but I never saw her again. My back is same and as always getting worse, it was a year the other day that I started getting this pain and nothing has really been done, I've just been given loads of medications and I feel abit fed up. So lets hope the other specialist they have referred to can give me answers. 

Bandage.. rather attractive haha 

Another thing that has recently started.. Few weeks ago I started getting pain and aches in my right wrist and just put it down to slept funny on it/cold weather but it was getting worse and seeing as I had a doctors app the week after it started I thought I would mention it to him. He has given me some gel and told to apply a bandage type on which helps alot but have to go back next time I go to see if any better if not he going to do a xray. He said it might be related to my back problems which is why he wants to keep an eye on it. The gel doesn't seem to do anything to be honest as I don't notice the pain go when I apply it. Sometimes the bandage helps alot and sometimes it makes it worse. It's something I never really suffered with and because it is my right hand as seeing as Im a righty I think it makes it worse because naturally I use that hand more. Its made simple tasks seem harder. I hope it just a pain that will go soon to be honest. I went bowling the other weekend for Beth's mum birthday and no idea how but I won bowling even though I was in alot of pain with my wrist and back lol 


I didn't know whether to write about this because it quite personal but I thought I might help someone. I was first diagnosed with Depression 10 years ago this year and while at my last doctor check up, the doctor just randomly ask me how I was feeling? and I sort of poured my heart out to him and thought I might aswel be honest to him. He is a newish doctor to me but I trust him as he has been so good with my back. I've been feeling depressed, anxiety and getting alot of panic attacks over the past few months, although I had all above for ages but recently it has got worse and I didn't want to admit it. The doctor booked a double appointment for the next week to speak more, so I went to the appointment and weirdly I opened up easily. He suggested talking therapy but its something I don't feel that would help at the moment, I've had therapy on/off since I was 12 so I didn't feel like it would help right now. Im not saying it doesn't help because it does but in my life right now I don't feel like its for me. I have Beth in my life now who I can talk to about everything so I know she is sort of my way of "therapy". So he suggested going back on Anti Depressant and at first I was like Hmmm... But think I thought to myself there is no harm of trying them again, I've been on so many types but my life is alot different now so why not give them ago. He has prescribed me ones that I was on few years ago and ones that are safe for me as Im on a few other medication. So I only been on them a week and obviously from previous years I know they take ages to kick in so I can't say much about them. I urge anyone who feels low or down to tell your doctor, I wished I done it months ago to be honest. Just telling your doctor takes a massive weight of your shoulders. 

image from pinterest.

Another thing that I haven't told the doctor about but Im going to mention it because its turning me into an emotional wreck. I've been having Insomnia for so long now. I haven't told doctors as I thought it would go but its getting too much now. I have tried so much to help but nothing seems to work. I could have the busiest weekend and still not sleep arghhhhh. 

That's all for my #5 health update, I will do it next month in the first week rather than leaving it for so long like last time. opps! Got my bowel specialist on Friday so hopefully I will get some answers :) 

Love Katie x 

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Getting Depression Again?

Am I getting depression again?

I've suffered with Depression throughout my childhood, teenager years and early adult years so I know every sign possible. I've gone to every type of therapy and counselling possible and also been on many anti depression medication. But since 2012, I haven't been on any anti depression tablets and I attended Therapy early 2012 but I stopped going because I felt like it wasn't working and I wanted to try and get on with my life without any therapy or meds ect. So I would say I haven't been depressed for many of years but obviously I have suffered with feeling down alot but how do you stop classing it as feeling down and class it as depression? 

This year has been the best but also the worse year. My Brother got engaged, him and Beth are expecting a baby girl very soon, I've had some amazing memories with My Niece Ava and other memories with family which has made this year amazing but also I've had the worse luck with my health with being diagnosed with Ankylosing Spondylitis, having problems with my bowels which has resulted in me having an operation on 24th December this year and also problems with my Womb/Lady stuff so that has been really hard to deal and cope with. 

Obviously everyone is entitled to have there down days but lately I had more down days than any good days which has made me think am I suffering with depression again? I don't want to go back on Medication as Im on alot of medication at the mo due to my back condition and I don't want to have anymore and also the side effect to more anti depression aint nice and I can do without them. When Beth lived here it was like having a therapist to talk to every night and I would bore her with my rants and random talks but since Beth has moved back to Essex I obviously haven't spoken to her like I use to which I think is one of the reasons I think Im suffering with depression again. Having someone to talk to is a MASSIVE help and sometimes it is just as helpful as medication. When I go to my next monthly update with my GP I will mention this to him and how I am feeling because I really want to go into 2015 feeling a good as possible. I know I will never be 100% happy because being ill mostly every single minute makes it impossible to feel happy but I would like to be at least 60% happy instead of like 20% happy I feel lately. 

Depression is nothing to hide or be ashamed of. I accept I will more than likely get depression throughout my life. I suffer badly with Anxiety and panic attacks which at the moment Im getting really bad Anxiety so much!! Shopping, busy places and being alone is freaking me out lately. Previous years I have ignored going to the doctors to get help and it has ended up getting worse and worse but Im determined to get help and to get better ASAP. 

I will update and write another post when I have been to the doctors and maybe will give tips on how to get better ect. 

Love Katie 
xx