Feeling Lost And Lonely

Is is okay to feel lost and lonely even though I'm lucky to have good people around me? I guess it is the Depression making me feel like this but I feel guilty for feeling it. I feel very lost, empty, sad, lonely and very down lately. I live with my Mother so I have always got her to talk to and she does make me laugh whenever I am down but there are times where I really need Bethany around. Beth just "gets me" if that makes sense, we both been through similar/same experiences and I can trust her with my whole life. But she isn't just down the road and I can only afford to go to Essex once a month. When I am in Essex, I am literally constantly happy. My Nieces, Brother and Beth are my world so being with them I never feel down or sad. 

Even though its been months and months since Beth moved back to Essex I think it has only just set in. Yes we text constantly, Snapchat and Facetime but that doesn't compare to actually being with someone in their company. Having two Chronic Illnesses is a very lonely life and 90% of my days out include doctor, hospital and chemist. The 10% I do go out is always spoiled by my Colitis playing up or Back hurting. I forgot how it felt to just not have to think before planning or going out. I used to just get up ready dressed out but now before I go out I have to make sure I have applied gel to my back, packed all my medication for the day in my bag, make sure I have a bottle of water for the meds ect. Now I have to get taxis everywhere as My Mother cannot drive anymore due to a hand injury but we would usually walk to doctors/chemist/hospital and sometimes we do but 99% of the time I have to get a taxi because if I am having a flare up with my Colitis I need to be at the doctors asap to be near a toilet, My Back is fine for a bit while walking but after a while it will hurt so much and then the side effects from my meds make me very dosey sleepy sick so I cannot be walking for a long time. I don't really have a social life lately which is why when I go to Essex I feel bloody happy because it is like an escape from reality. Well not completely because I still have pain and medication but it is a good break to be away from home and just enjoy myself and be surrounded with family who understand my illnesses. 

Luckily I have two dogs who are with me all the time so I am glad because I don't know what I would do without them. Few weekends back I was home alone for 4 days and at first I was okay but then I soon realized how much I need and appreciate my Mother. I was hoovering the stairs and my back give way and I fell and couldn't move for 40 minutes. I cried because at 23 years old this is not how I ever imagined my life to be like. A friend came over in the Evening which made me completely shut off and be happy but I want to be able to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to rely on others for my happiness. I truly believe in the saying that you have to be able to be happy single to be able to be happy in a relationship. I am on Anti Depressants and have declined Talking Therapy as I didn't have a good experience with it few years ago but I think I need to stop being so stubborn and just try Talking Therapy again and just see if that helps. 

Does anyone have any tips that would help? Feeling lost and lonely is something I don't want to feel. It makes me say the wrong things to people and I take it out via ranting over texts. Luckily Beth understands and does tell me straight which helps alot. 

Love Katie x 

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Pain Is Lonely

I saw this quote on Pinterest and instantly  agreed and can relate to it so much. Having two Chronic Illnesses has made my life changed so much and most of the time I feel lonely. I have to decline some family events or days out because of the pain which makes me incredulity down and lonely. I spend most days at home, in my bedroom, in pain and dosed up on painkillers and other medication I'm on. Apart from the rare occasion of days out, the only day trips are hospital and doctors appointments. I see my GP twice a month which can be more it depends, consultant for my Colitis, consultant for my Back and Pain Management Clinic  so my diary is always filled up with appointments. Soon to have a check up update appointment on my fertility/ovary ect which will mean doctors/nurse app, ultrasound and then to a gynaecologist and not forgetting the blood tests I have regularly. Being ill itself is like a full time job and I hate when people think we are lazy and I tell you what, I would swap my pain for a normal full time job anyday. 

Pain wakes me up at 3/4am so I can be up til 6am and that when I feel lonely most. I'm so glad one of my dogs sleeps in my bedroom overnight. Buster always wakes up if I'm in pain to check how I am, he is a bloody diamond. Pain can even make me feel mad and angry sometimes. Angry that I can't sleep, angry when I get to sleep that the pain wakes me up, angry when family members think I'm lazy, angry when you don't see the doctor you trust and always see, angry when they say " We need to see you in 6/8 weeks but we have no appointments til 3 months time", angry when the chemist give you wrong amont of tablets, angry when the chemist  forgets to put in a certain medication. There are many more reasons that make me angry, mad and lonely but I would be here all day if I said them all. 

I've always be a person who likes their own company but since being ill it's made me realise how much I'm greatful for when I spend time with people. A weekend in Essex with my family is basically like a holiday for me and I try to not let pain get to me. Although pain is there constantly but when I'm happy with people I love I make myself try to ignore it. The train/tube journey to Essex absolutely kills my back & last time I was feeling sick due to my medication side effects but I tried to put that to the back of my mind and think of the reason I'm on the train. 

Pain is lonely but people with Chronis Illnesses and people who suffer with pain we need to not let it make us anymore lonely. Also it is totally okay to feel lonely and it is normal to, don't let people make you think you're lazy. We are ill for god sake and the amont of bloody side effect medications gives us we are totally allowed to rest. 

Love Katie xx