My Everchanging Body

Our lovely readers,

 

Like many of these teenagers flaunting their bodies, I was the same. Nothing would stop me going out in belly tops, tight fitted out fits, short skirts and dresses. Safe to say I was body confident. It felt good. I loved my body for that. For giving me confidence. I would get attention from guys, that was a good and bad thing, I had envious girls throwing me daggers, that didn't bother me. I felt like I was Britney or Madonna. It helped going to college, with my confidence being on a high, I was able to make friends and enjoy it. You see before I started feeling confident in myself I would be very shy, making friends was then difficult, but college wasn't going to be like that, I was confident, I spoke to every one.

 

 

 

 

 

Pregnancy

Seven to eight months after  I started college I found out I was pregnant. Shock. It was unexpected but I was happy. I never really had time to think about what pregnancy would do to my body as I new I was going to be a single mum so I was mentally preparing for that. This resulted in me taking any body changes in my stride. With every stretch mark that appeared I thought 'its for my baby', so they didn't really bother me. Sure sometimes I did think oh god! but that was to be expected as I was young and never had a mark on my body before but all in all for the majority of the time they never bothered me. How could I forget the case of my expanding stomach. That fascinated me more that bothered me, I mean how on earth was it possible for my stomach to stretch that much! My confidence stuck while I was pregnant. I though I Looked pretty damn good!

 

 

 

After I had Ava I was on cloud nine like every new mum so as you may know I wasn't really thinking about my body. It wasn't until it all settled down that I noticed that my body had really changed. It was so much different. I Had gone up a dress size, I had a 'pouch' as they say. I would look in the mirror and wouldn't recognise myself. I felt like a stranger to myself when I would put on clothes and they wouldn't fit. I remember going shopping with my parents and trying stuff on, when things wouldn't fit I would feel myself getting really down and embarrassed. I wanted a black hole to open in the changing room and swallow me up. This is when it started becoming hard mentally, the mental image of myself just fell apart, I just thought of myself as fat and ugly, being single I thought that no one would want me. My confidence went down again and I thought everyone was staring at me. I had to re start college too! ohhhhhhh no. How was I going to cope I felt the size of an elephant and shy as a mouse, but you know what I was a mum now to a beautiful  baby  girl. Sod the way I looked. That doesn't matter. Being there for my girl mattered and she needed me to do this course for her future. Safe to say that motherhood gave me the confidence to get through my second college course.

 Shortly after starting college I started too loose weight, I never got back to how I was before but it was enough to feel confident and comfortable again, and when I met Tom  I started to feel 100x better. He was so complementary, wouldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was.

 

Pregnancy..round 2

My body starting changing pretty early on when I was pregnant with Bella, weight wise anyway. My bump started growing quick much bigger than with Ava. You would think it would be easier because I knew how my body could change but for some reasons it didn't. Many times in this pregnancy I felt massive, like a whale. I was  paranoid that Tommy would end up getting disgusted and leave me. My legs also expanded in this pregnancy which was an unpleasant surprise. That added to my fear and paranoia. Towards the end though I was so tired and fed up I didn't take no notice, I just concentrated on getting Bella out.

 

 

This Is when my body really started to get to me. I am now bigger than I ever have been, I have curves that have popped out of know where, hips that have grown beyond expectation, legs that are fatter than a tree trunk (maybe now that big but it feels like it), boobs that are humungous and a stomach that...well we wont even go there. The last year as been hard as far as body  confidence goes. I just feel disgusting, but dieting is hard. I don't think I would be as bad if I weren't looking at all these fitness things all the time. I feel like that's how I should look, and how I look right now is wrong. But I know that's messed up, society is messed up. Making people believe they should be a size toned 6 is wrong. What exactly is wrong with being a size 14 and healthy? I am lucky to have Tom he is constantly telling me how I'm beautiful and how my body is perfect. They other day I sat and thought there are only two people my body has to please, myself and Tommy. If Tommy loves my body then why cant I?? So I have now started too feel confident naked. I stroll to the bathroom now rather than doing a running jump like I'm in the Olympics. I'm starting to accept my body now, I've accepted
that it changes and with each pregnancy my body turnout is going to be different, but if a I have my family and my Tommy that's all that matters.

My parting message In this post I guess is, sod what everyone else looks  like, sod what everyone else thinks. The only opinion that matters is your own. Body confidence doesn't come from what you look like or what your weight is. Body confidence comes from within and how your thought process is about your body and always have someone there to give you a boost when your body confidence is a bit low.


Thanks for reading:)

Until  next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

 

Body Shop Hemp Cream - Product Review

 

Body Shop Hemp Cream

 

Skin conditions have been in my family for generations mainly psoriasis. It was pretty definite that I was going to get problems too. I started getting itchy patches that would come and go I didn't think anything of them and they would soon go down within a few days. I then got another patch on my finger. It was aggressively itchy, would bleed and swelled up, this would stay there for weeks  and looked vile. It came and went a couple times and hop between  fingers, when I say hop between fingers it would be the same finger on each hand. It looked disgusting. I had  to go to the doctors. They said it could be water under my ring (which sounded plausible but it came up in the other hand too and I have no ring on that one) and they told me to us E45 cream. I was relived thinking this was the end of it but after removing my ring it still came up and the E45 was useless.
 One night, with my finger still utterly gross and itchy, my sister was having a body shop party so I went along. The woman was good and I loved hearing about all the products and watching the make up tutorial. But my bloody finger was so itchy it was constantly irritating me, EMBARASSING, the woman noticed. But she kindly showed me this hemp cream that body shop do, she told me it would help and I should try some, I thought yeah right will it work, but I gave it a go what did I have to loose? on it went. Just like that a few minuets later the itching stopped, and the redness started settling down. AMAZING. My sister noticed and bought me a tube, and I have used it ever since, now when ever the itching starts I pop a bit of the cream on, it stops the itching and stops from my finger flaring up again.

I would totally recommend this product to anyone that suffers with a similar issue or even if you don't its handy to have just in case. they do two sizes I believe. The 100ml (bigger one) that I have is around £10 and just to remind you that's from body shop. I know it sounds a lot but believe me when I say you get what you pay for with this product. This cream lasts a very long time and you get the quality. I would pay the price over and over again because this product is totally worth it.

I Would just like to add they may have changed their packaging since I got mine.


Thanks for reading,

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

The Weekend - A Special Time

Our Lovely readers

I'm not going to lie I do like the weekend, I do look forward too it. Don't get me wrong I love the weeks with my girls but, there is just something about the weekend when Toms home and we are all together.

I suppose some of  it is relief, it gets tiring during the week, running around after two littlens all day, that's to be expected. I know when Toms home I can share the load....sometimes. There is nothing more aggravating than when I ask  him to do something like change a nappy or make a bottle and he says 'cant you do it'.... I'm sorry what?? I have been doing this all week, I have changed more pooey nappies than I have had hot dinners, I could of bathed in the amount sick that has been produced, I've nearly broke my ankle about 50 times on about 50 different types of toys, I've made so much food I could have fed the army and about 6 world wars have broke out between me and a 4 year old..(this is all in one week) and you want me to change yet another dirty nappy and make another bottle. By this time I have practically turned green like the hulk. So I tell him no I can't 'do it' this is your time daddy boy, your time to be mummy. I would like to tell you this works. But it don't. With all my annoyance I end up caving.. I really need to work on that haha. But no he is really good, he only says that about once a weekend. Other than that I am really lucky and on the weekends I do get a rest. He cooks, amuses the children and does a few nappies and bottles. This weekend I have been really fortunate in him cleaning too!

I also overly enjoy the weekends for family time...this is the main reason for my excitement. We love to do things as a family on the weekends, nothing expensive just quality time. This would be anything from activities at home, to going to the park, to play centres, to picnics or even going to see grandparents. I think family time is very important it keeps you connected and as a unit. I enjoy seeing the girls spend time with daddy, the smile on their faces melts my heart and to be honest nothing will beat that feeling.

To some the weekend is just the weekend. But to me, to us its so much more. Its memories, its my girls childhood, its the only two days a week both parents  are together with them. Its the only two nights, me and Tom can stay up a bit later and spend some quality time together.

All in all my personal definition  of the weekend is - The time of the week for relaxation, family madness, and happy days with a special sprinkling of bonding and memory creating.

I know some of you may find this post boring or irrelevant, but I felt I needed to share what the weekend means to me, so often we go 'thank god its the weekend' but why? Why do we think that? what does the weekend mean to you?


LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Little Ballerina

Our Lovely Readers,

As you all know we have recently moved from Essex to Berkshire, so enough of a distance. I have recently posted the effects the move has had on me and I how I have dealt with it, But I haven't gone into  detail on the effects it had on my girls. Bella being so young she hasn't noticed at all. She wouldn't have noticed if we were living on earth or outta space as long as she was fed washed and loved. That we have always done, so explains how the move went over her head. Ava though was that much older and knowing so she noticed.

Ava was very happy about the move in general and on the out side. She would constantly tell us how she loved her new home and run around like a nutter. Prior to the move Ava had been settled in a nursery and loving it, she had friends and her 'work' was coming along great, she became a right little social butterfly. It practically ripped my heart out having to pull her out of that nursery. I thought she was going to take it worse than she did, but actually she was alright. It was a shock how she took It but made me so proud. Since she has always commented about her friends and it tugs at my heart strings whenever she does, making the decision to not put her into a nursery here prob made it more. You see there is not long till she goes to school  and being in some sort of child care since the age of 9 months I wanted some time with her before she grew up even more and went to school. Selfish? Probably but I had her interests at heart too, I didn't want to get her settled all over again just so she  could leave and start school, it was too a much all at once, I felt. I had my health visitor practically pressuring me to get her into nursery which made me question my decision, it took courage I believe to follow my instincts and say no its my decision. However Ava kept saying about her friends and I couldn't  stop the guilt eat away at me and I did question my choices, but as she never said anything in a sad way it made it easier. At the same time Ava's behaviour became worse it led me to wonder why, was it the move? the lack of socialising with other children? I don't know. I was still adamant of my decision and that was not going to change, once my mind is made up its  made up. Its a pain in the bum sometimes haha. Ava has inherited that off of me too. So any way I started to look at other ways I could get her into socialising with other children.

Of course there were a lot of groups ran round here, but that's not what I was looking for. I wanted some form of consistency. Its what Ava needed. I wanted her to see the same groups of people every week, make friends and rebuild her confidence in them social situations (she had started going shy again). This is when I felt like I had been given a gift from god. A new dance studio had opened literally next to me. I thought I would look into the prices ect. To my delight the prices were so good I couldn't believe it, and they did dancing for Avas age! she chose ballet which I knew she would. Seeing the delight on her face when I told her she could go was priceless, I will never forget it. She was so excited when  she first went as she is every week. A whole burst of energy comes out of her on ballet days. She's improving every week too! Not just on the dancing but on the socialising half too. She is making friends. The first lesson she wouldn't talk to anyone, it did make me worry, but now she will involve her self. I am so proud of her. Ballet was a saviour. Its helped maintain the progress we made with nursery. More surprisingly its turned out the ballet is something she really wants to do, she is always practicing her feet ect. Right now I am happy with the decision I have made. I get to spend time with her before school and she still has interaction with other children. I am one extremely happy and proud mummy right now.  

The dance studio Ava goes to is Vibez in Woodley Reading their prices are cheap but lessons are good and lovely people, I any of you live near I recommend if interested.

Thanks for reading :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - the beginning of my story

The Beginning of my story

 

I suppose at first I was in denial. To be honest it didn't feel like denial, more like the unknown with an inkling I didn't want to admit. Strange that probably don't make any sense, but to me it makes perfect sense. It felt like normal behaviour at first. I was only responding to others actions. I couldn't help my reactions, if people didn't  like the way I reacted then they shouldn't have acted the way the did towards me. who can blame a girl for sticking up for herself? That little voice in my head was very convincing, and I liked that voice, it was the only one who made sense to me, It was the only one who was on 'my side'. No one else was, don't be silly I knew, I knew that everyone else was against me. Well that's the story I created in my head anyway. I would say I was in denial about that. I lost count on how many times people would say to me I just 'think' people are against me. But as usual I would hit out and say no I know they are. That was just what they said to make me think they weren't. I was doomed to fight all my battles alone, it was me against everyone else, no one there to back me up to fight my corner. Just me. Though I didn't understand it. Why did no one back me up? Why were they all against me? What have I done so wrong? But what I did know was I was right. I was sure of it.

My mind was awful, playing tricks on me I believed. You know I would wake up one day and my mind wasn't one I had known. It was alien to me. That one voice I had always relied on was telling me different. It was telling me I was wrong. What on earth? now my own mind was turning on me? But this voice was also the only one that could convince me. I would actually be happier them days. I would feel calm and normal again. Thank goodness no one was picking arguments with me. They had taken a day off. I believed this. I had convinced myself of it. It weren't that I was wrong, it was that everyone else had simply taken a day off and with that it was easier. I suppose that was then the denial started. 

 

Other days my mind was back to 'normal'. Or everyone was against me again. They didn't rest  for long. This was really starting to wear me down. I would sit alone and cry. The bathroom was a good place for that and feeling sorry for myself became a comfort. I would wrap my arms around myself to hug myself. Well someone had to. I was alone remember? These days happened quite often, I could have filled and Olympic sized swimming pool with the tears that I shed on that bathroom floor. Why the bathroom your probably thinking, well that was the only place that felt peaceful. It helped me think and gather my thoughts. When I would come out you would think I was fine. I would smile and get on with it. Well you have to don't you? Plus there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone is entitled to a little cry right? Mine just happened more often.

 

 

Look out for My Mind and Me part 2 Next Week.

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

Mummy Vs Dummy

Hello our lovely readers,

As mummies and daddies we all have that one enemy that is always trying to get the better of us. Do you all know what I am talking about? yes it is the DUMMY. This fabulous creation that soothes your little one, helps them to sleep, helps them when they are upset and offers that little bit of comfort when we cannot be there. Yes sweet things aren't they, gift sent from heaven. That is until they decide they need a break and do a disappearing act. Now most of them do a temporary disappearing act but you do get the odd one that likes to jump for its life out of the buggy to leave us forever.

Why I am I speaking as If they are a living thing you may be wondering? Well there is just no way my sweet innocent daughter could get these dummies into the nooks and crannies they end up in I mean  how on earth do they get in these places. There are two explanations, either they are alive and have us all fooled or my daughter has the intelligence of Einstein at 16 months. The disappearance of dummies got to me by the time Bella was a year old and I decided to give a Wubbanub a go, they are and American type dummy with a little cuddly toy attached.

Above is Bellas WubbaNub she has the pink bear and she LOVES it. She takes it everywhere, its good its a dummy and cuddly all in one. You can get them from American sites but they can be a bit pricey I get Bellas for around £13 each (that's cheap) from a UK seller on eBay.

You would think this would be harder to loose wouldn't you. WRONG. we had a nightmare last week. We put Bella to bed with her Wubbanub and as by magic in the morning it had vanished, It was like penn and teller had been performing magic tricks in her room. How does that happen?? how is it literally there one minuet and gone the next? it was the strangest thing. It got even stranger when me and Tom searched from top to bottom in all the little nooks and crannies and it was no where to be seen. For a week we were holding hope that It was going to turn up, but I then resigned myself to the fact that the little bear had got up on its little legs and ran away so I ordered her a new one. It seems the threat of being replaced scared the little wubbanub, and poof it popped up. Are you serious? After a week of searching high a low, I order a new one and then there it is sitting in a bag in my living room.

It has since be confirmed that my older daughter put it there, 'she was tidying up' as she told us, bless. Its not yet proven that dummies have a life of their own yet but when news comes to light I will be first one there to hear about it ;) haha.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Happy Birthday Tom!

Happy Birthday Tommy

 

Dear My Tom Tom,

Another year has come around, you are another year older, though you never look it, this makes me insanely jealous. Another year you have worked hard to provide for us. In this year you have made sure a lot happened for us and if it wasn't for you we would be sitting in our own front room right now. You never do all you do for people to notice or for people to tell the world, you do it for us your family because you love us just us much as we love you. You are an insanely fantastic fiancé, loving me, giving me comfort, always being there for me when times are tough, giving me someone to talk too at all hours an working with me as a team to bring up our two gorgeous little girls. This is the perfect time for me to tell you what an amazing daddy you are, you never fail too make our girls smile or laugh, you are and authority figure and their bestest friend. Your the to give them a hand to hold and shoulder to cry on, your everything a daddy should be. So us as your family would like to say a massive THANK YOU for now, for the past and for the future. HAPPY 23RD BIRTHDAY TOM TOM/DADDY. Have the best day that you deserve. We Love you now and forever.

LotsOfLove
Beth, Ava and Bella...xxx 

 

The big M

It never used to bother me, you know the whole living at home with parents, even when I had Ava and was a single mum I didn't mind staying in my parents home, its all I knew and I weren't in a hurry to take the leap in to independence. I had a new little baby that was enough of a change and I was 18 so it was still acceptable. After having Ava it did dawn on me that I was the 'third wheel' so to speak. But I didn't care, I had the right to be there, I was their daughter, like Ava was mine so I knew it didn't bother them after all you can never picture your child leaving home and don't tend to think about it.

Time went on, I started college, another reason for me not to take the leap, I wanted to finish the course before I thought about taking on the moving challenge, and also getting a job at the end of it was fore front of my mind too. Now I had a boyfriend at that point. Together for a year you would think we would have thought about the next step, but he turned out to have the mind of a five year old and a dragon of a controlling nan so I got out of that relationship faster than Usain Bolt running the 100m. By no means did this dampen my spirits, I stayed at home and continued studying and Ava was coming up for her second birthday. It was then that my sister made a joke that me being me took seriously. This changed my  life forever, in a good way don't be alarmed. You should try online dating she said, so I did.


To be honest I wasn't looking for 'love' I thought I would just see what it was like. I had heard about online dating and now seeing myself as an adult I didn't see the harm. Oh my it wasn't the best dating site to try, but it was one advertised on Facebook so I thought it must be popular. Some of the wronguns that messaged me on there were unbelievable. I even texted a few. Don't ask me why. I saw it all, cheesy chat up lines, a fairly normal bloke who was still tied up on his ex so much so I started to think they were still together! I had boring blokes which had less personality than my sofa, and weird stalker types, which were possessive after a day of texting, I would rather of had my eyes gauged out by a bear while being stung by a thousands of angry bees than have spoke to them a day longer. I pretty much gave up on the whole online dating scene having wrote it off as a place of creeps. I don't know why I went back on there, curiosity killed the cat as they say. But I was right to do so because sitting in my inbox was a little message from my now fiancé and father of my two children. (Ava knows him as daddy he's all she knows )we have now been together for nearly 3 years.

 

I suppose it was when I was pregnant with Bella I started to think of my own space. We had lived with Toms parents and mine at separate times during my pregnancy. Going from pillar to post we both come to the realisation we both had no place to call home. These two houses we had grown up in no longer felt like home. For the first time the place I had lived in for like 12 years was my parents home. That was how we knew that it was time. It was time to move. To get our own place our own space. stand on our own two feet. Unfortunately due too medical problems in my pregnancy it was decided that it was best not to until Bella had arrived. And of course the main problem MONEY. I didn't feel to stressed out about it while I was pregnant. It wasn't until Bella was born that it bothered me the most. Things got really difficult living with my parents. Me and my mum started arguing. A lot. Little things she did annoyed me. I started to want my own place desperately, a far cry from how I was when I had just had Ava, I had grown up. I would cry about it most days wanting to move came an obsession. I would look at properties online all day everyday and imagine myself in them. I nearly took a disgusting flat, it was Tommy that made me realise. After that I tried not to think about it but It was still there in my head, I NEEDED to move. Eventually Tommy came up with viewings randomly, to my delight we viewed a place and liked it and with the deposit saved up safe and sound in our bank account we were good to go. I faced the most painful, longest, agonising week of my life hoping everything would go through okay, I cant explain to you how it felt when we got a moving date. That was a magical day. To be honest it didn't seem real I was on cloud 9 and thought I was watching someone else moving into their place. That night felt good. Relaxed. Now came the next challenge.


I had it, all I had wanted. But I was in a new place that was completely alien to me. I had gone from Essex to Woodley In berks over night. It was new. I had no idea what was in my area, where the busses went, where the local hospital was ect. it took months to get used too and to know. At first and I will be honest I felt I didn't belong, I mean how can someone who knows nothing about the place and had a noticeable different accent belong? On top of it all the whole flat was my responsibility , that was daunting, more daunting than motherhood strangely enough. I had too cook dinners if not my family didn't eat, I had to do all the washing if not my family had no clothes, I would have to get the shopping in to make sure I was able to cook, I had to make sure we didn't run out of money and make sure the rent was paid on time to make sure we didn't become homeless. I had to make sure the house was clean so that my kids don't live in a dirt pit and get unhealthy. It was stressful, before I only had to look after myself and make sure my kids were looked after and fed. Now Everything was down to me and with Tom at work If I didn't do it, it would fall apart. I'm not going to lie it took a while to find my feet.

Fortunately now all is okay. Yes I am in a new place to where I grew up, but this area is now home, its where my children will grow up. when we drive back into Woodley, I feel relaxed I feel at ease and familiar I feel, 'ahhh I'm home'. I know what is around me. On the house chores side of it, I am no longer stressing, I am on top of it all once a day is done I sit on the sofa with a sense of achievement feeling like I have just climbed mount Everest and won the FA cup all in one day. All in all I am so happy, I'm so happy I have moved and I am so happy my attitude towards moving changed. Me and my mum get a long so much better too!


Its crazy how much your life can change and how your views can change but if I have one bit of advice to others, if you feel an urge to do something like chase your dreams or a change in your views don't fight it go with it, it is part of you evolving and is a growth of your life and your character.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Where Have We Been?!?

 

What Happened To Us?

 

I suppose you can say us and our blog dropped off the radar. You would be right. We stopped blogging suddenly with no warnings, not even to ourselves. I know what many people will be thinking, what makes two young girls who are seemingly very happy just stop? If we were from the outside reading our blogs we would be thinking the same. But from personal experience we can both say there can be many reasons, some being life events that you just can't see coming. The reasons to our disappearing act will be explained in depth in future posts. But we can now give you some sort of understanding.  

 

 

Katie

 

 

As you would have knew before we stopped blogging Katie had a number of health problems, a couple being ulcerative colitis and Ankylosing spondylitis. In the past few months Katie's condition has not started to improve she has got a little worse. Katie has been on different painkillers for her increasing pain, she is trying to find the right pain relief to get to her pain. She is also having flare ups very often now. Near enough every night. Safe to say she doesn't get much sleep. The side effects from medication, her illnesses and her lack of sleep have made her have severe fatigue. This leaves her felling pretty poo! she cant pluck up the energy to sit and blog ect. As you can imagine due to her illness and the effects they have on her life it gets her down leading to an on going battle with depression, unfortunately until her health starts to improve her depression prob wont either. She is very much the second half of this blog so I wish her well very soon!!!

 

 

Beth

 

 

 

 

Now we come to me, Beth. The reasons for me were all pretty much new. I had moved to a new town, I have been trying to adjust and settle in both for me and my children. This became my number one priority. It wasn't easy, It was a whole life adjustment for a number of reasons which will be explained in a future blog post. I have now also been diagnosed with depression. This is very hard to talk about. I don't like talking about it, but I feel I now have to share my experiences to help both me and anyone else that have also got it.

 

 

These reasons are the background of the fact we disappeared. I look forward into going into more detail. Katie still  isn't feeling 100% as I explained she maybe doing the odd post when she feels up to It, she is still very much involved in the blog just behind the scenes a bit more at the moment.

 

I can't wait to you are back doing regular posts Katie!!

 

 

WE ARE BACK!!!

 

LotsOfLove

Beth....xxx