My Cleaning Tricks

So In order to still do the general housework I have made some changes and little tricks that help me. Now I know some might sound stupid and might not work for others but they do make having chronic health & OCD a lot better to deal with ... 

Hoover - I have three hoovers which are kept in different places which make it easier than having to carry one up and down the stairs. So I have one upstairs, one downstairs and one just for the kitchen. I keep them near the plug socket so easier to turn on and use whenever I can. 

Cleaning Items - I have a cleaning caddy in the bathroom for all the products I use upstairs and then I have products in kitchen under sink for all the products to use downstairs. I have a cupboard in the hallway which has back ups of products making sure I never run out which I get my Stepdad to reach and take out when I need to. I also have some products in my bedroom for easy access. Ideally I hate products on show but sometimes I have to think practical. 

Long Handled Dustpan/Brush - I have one in my bedroom as I have wood floor and one downstairs for the kitchen, utility and downstairs toilet. Long handled makes it easier to use few times a day without bending down or picking rubbish up ect. I have 3 dogs which mean dogs hairs and wood floor so having the dustpan and brush in reach means I can use it every time I’m in/out of the rooms.

Using Time Effectually - this might sound stupid haha so what I mean is that when I have a flare up with my bowel disease I will also clean the bathroom. It makes sense to do it as I’m stuck in the bathroom anyways. I will fold up washing while sitting on sofa, I will prepare dinner while sitting down and I will even sit on the floor to clean floors/polish, clean the bath/shower while I’m in there ect. It helps a lot to be honest as I find I get more done that way. If I had to wait to not be in pain to do these things then they would never get done. 

Ikea Bags - Totally Random but the blue Ikea bag are literally a lifesaver because of its long Handles and it’s a big bag. I use this to carry dirty washing downstairs and I will also fold up the clean washing put in the bag to carry upstairs. It makes it so much easier. 

Micro Fibre Cloths - I always keep one in reach so that if I’m walking downstairs or round the house I can easily grab it and polish ect. 

Clean At The Right Time - what I mean by this is I try to stick to the same time cleaning which is about 10 mins after I’ve taken my painkillers. I find if I wait anymore then the side effects have kicked in too far. 

Deep Freeze/Deep Heat Is My BFF - I have the roll on ones that literally are so easy to apply and I have one of each downstairs and upstairs which I put on as I’m about to clean. Okay it doesn’t get rid of the pain but it makes cleaning more bearable. 

Late Night No Sleep = Clean - I have nights where I don’t sleep til late because of pain so I use this time to sort my wardrobe out, sort storage out and do little bits in my room. 

I’m pretty sure there’s more than I do without realising but these are the main ones. To someone who isn’t ill I totally understand how stupid it might sound haha!! But you got to do what you got to do. Without doing any of these tricks I simply don’t get anything done. I have 3 dogs so I have to hoover lots and ideally I’d like hoover few times a day but I aim to hoover at least once a day which I find it easier to keep up with housework if I do it for like 20 mins a day rather than spending hours few times a week. Luckily I have a dishwasher but I wash up the dogs Bowls soon as they finished their dinner and I find doing it ASAP means it’s all done and dusted. Now I don’t really like antibacterial wipes well I do but I find it much easier to use a micro fibre cloth and antibacterial spray which probably doesn’t make sense and I’m sure wipes are more easier but my hands are quite sensitive and I was finding wipes irritate them more plus I seem to go through so much wipes so I prefer to use a few cloths instead. I don’t fill my cleaning cupboard up under the sink purely because it’s much easier to only have the products I currently using so I can just grab them easily. 

Obviously with me living at home with my mother means there are some things I’d love to do differently or change. I try much as possible to make the plan more organise, clean and tidy but it’s not as easy when people I live with are not like me lol!! Il spend ages cleaning and then I look and someone’s make it messy.. it’s rather frustrating because obviously I’ve made myself in pain in order to clean properly so it’s bloody annoying. I know if I lived alone I’d have things my way which would make things slightly easier for my health but for now with the small changes/tricks I use are working and helping. I truly believe that a “Tidy House Tidy Mind” and I feel so much better mentally when I’m doing cleaning even if my body is in agony.  My next post will be about what products I use. I tend to stick with the same products that I know work as I haven’t got time to be using rubbish products. So make sure you pop back soon to find out my top products. 

Love Katie xx 

Chronic Health & OCD

So I’ve been wanting to do a blog series for ages now about cleaning while having chronic health. I also have OCD which had way before becoming ill so it was a huge shock for me when I started to notice how certain housework/chores became rather difficult and sometimes impossible. 

I love cleaning. I always have and to be I use it as my therapy. Some people go retail therapy or cooking or exercise but for me it’s always been cleaning,tidying, clearing and being organised. I love seeing the before and after of how simply changes can make a massive difference. And storage!!! Storage is my best friend andI HATE having items in my draws without being in some sort of box or draw divider. Every month I always sort through each of my chest of draws, clean them and make sure to either chuck or Charity shop stuff I no longer have use for.

Safe to say I love clearing, cleaning and organisation but it’s rather hard when you have a disability. I’m lucky that I’m still able to do most housework and I have ways of making sure I can still manage them but having OCD thrown in the mix makes things so frustrating. My mind is telling me I have to clean or do something but my body is refusing and physically can’t. My illnesses has already taken so much away from me and has dramatically changed my life but I will not let it stop me from doing the normal day to day chores. I’ve made some changes and adapted which I think I have the right balance at the moment in order for me to be in less pain as possible while continuing to do the general housework. Obviously even with the changes I’ve made I still have days where the pain is too bad to do anything.  I thought I’d share some simple changes and tricks/tips on how I still do the normal chores with a disability. And how I try and control my OCD while having a bad pain day. I now do things differently which to some people might sound stupid but in order to still keep on top of the house I don’t care if I look or sound stupid. Not only is cleaning obviously good and I 100% go by the saying “ tiny house tiny mind” but I use it as a distraction and almost as a escape from the agonising pain I’m in 24/7. 

My next blog post shall be the simple changes I’ve made and the silly ways on how I still manage to cook/clean/tidy and organise with chronic health. I write all my blogpost via my phone as I don’t have my laptop as I hardly used it so if the layout, pictures or words are not up to scratch then I do apologise. I’m going to try and do at least one blogpost per week which I think is doable otherwise if I give myself a few a week I know it’s not possible. I do miss blogging and I think it must be at least two years since myself or Beth blogged properly but so much has happened to us both since we last blogged so our posts might be slightly different. I just thought I’d do a quick post to explain on why there will be regular posts coming soon and what they’re about ect. 

Next blog post shall be in a few days :) 

( I have about 10 posts half written that because of brain fog never get finished) haha..  I have been using the blog Instagram since last September now & do regular posts and I’m slightly addicted to doing daily stories haha.. so please do follow us on Instagram on “Essextowindsor”

Love Katie xx 

Katie’s Health Update - Ulcerative Colitis

      (Been two more surgeries since this picture) 

Hello everyone :) as you can probably tell by the photo it’s Katie here. Me and Beth have soooo much to catch up on as a lot of life events have happened since we last was active on the blog. As from next week Beth shall have the laptop back and running so expect lots of blogpost about pregnancy and mum life but for now here is a post about my health. 

When we used to update the blog a lot I done a series of “health Update” where I would share how my health was doing. I can’t remember the last time I done an update to be honest so I shall start with one of my conditions:

ULCERATIVE COLITIS- 

I was put on Predinisolone for my Ulcerative Colitis and safe to say I totally regret it. I had put on a lot of weight, got awful side effects and to top it all off it didn’t make any difference to my bowel. My Gastro team were shocking and left me few months without any medication. It was June the month of Beth’s hen and we

dding. The hen party was a cocktail night & seeing as I haven’t drunk at all for a good few years it’s safe to say that alcohol didn’t agree with me. It put me in a instant flare where that evening I spent crying in the hotel bathroom with zero sleep, the cramps were insane and the thought of food made me feel sick. We got back home and my IBD nurse advised me to go to A&E so off I went had some bloods and morphine then to be told go home and wait for IBD team to ring as it was night time. I was exhausted I went home and rested for a few days then it was Beth’s wedding. I felt awful the original dress didn’t fit I had to order new one week before wedding I felt awful and looked it. The steroid made me so swollen and puffy looking safe to safe I couldn’t of hated myself anymore than I did. The day went okay then soon as I eat the food that was it. Another flare left me spending most of the reception in the toilets. I missed the first dance, beth throwing the flowers and cutting the cake. I was gutted, exhausted and in agony but I just had to put on a smile and act normal in front of family. I had the girls for few days after as Beth and my brother went on a mini moon. I got back home and this flare wasn’t easing at all, it was the summer so heat wave didn’t help. We went out with the girls I tried to put on a smile but I was again stuck on the loo crying. I had enough. Enough of the IBD nurse/team not giving a shit *pardon the pun*. So I went to a&e again, had bloods, a canualar & morphine to be told my bloods were okay bit dehydrated and higher CRP but nothing they can do as it was nighttime aka no Gastro avalible. I went home angry, disappointed and physically drained. Finally I saw a new Gastro a few weeks after who demanded I went back on Steroids which I didn’t want to! So fed up I went to my GP and asked to be referred to another hospital. I was warned it could take months waiting but I was willing to wait. 

Yet again another thing I regret. The new Gastro is claiming I don’t have Ulcerative Colitis and it’s constipation. Now I’m no doctor or consultant but I know it’s deffo NOT constipation. I had to demand a Sigmoidoscopy which annoyingly by this point my Colitis settled down so not much was shown. I’m yet to see my specialist to discuss things but I’m so drained from everything that I’m yet to make the appointment. To be told you haven’t got an illness that you were tested so many times for and each times have evidence of it is so frustrating. Also in June I had surgery (bowel related but not UC) and recovery was harder than expected so I was fed up. 

I’m currently on no medication for my Ulcerative Colitis and weirdly am better. Not 100% but so much better than I was in the summer. I suppose I won’t see my Consultant til the new year and I so regret leaving the first hospital I was under. I feel like I’ve gone 1000 steps back from the days of being told it was just IBS. I have so much going on with my other illnesses that I haven’t really been bothered about this one if that makes sense. So much appointments, different Hospitals, lots of medication as well as brain fog so I’m finding it hard to keep up and jungle everything. Safe to safe I could do with a PA hahah!! Fingers crossed my Bowel behaves over Christmas as I don’t fancy spending Christmas Day on the toilet. Once I see my Consultant in the new year hopefully it will be a possitive appointment. I shall keep updating so do keeep an eye out and the next post from be shall be an health update on another condition of mine. 

I know these posts might not be everyone’s cup of tea and I totally understand but I think it’s so important to spread awareness and share your own stories. Me and Beth like to keep it real on our blog and we don’t pretend our lives are perfect. All of our blog posts are real life, honest and truthful. If you have got this far then well done haha. Thank you for reading and do come back for another post :)

Love Katie 

Social Media Changes

Hello everyone.. its been a long time. 

I wanted to write a quick blogpost to tell you all about some changes. So we have a Instagram which we used to update alot but as life shit happens we stopped. Also our blog and twitter went quiet. However I (katie) have always been active on my personal twitter/Instagram.. well mainly Instagram to be honest. In the last two months or so I have been addicted to instastories on my personal account and sort of abandon Snapchat. I've been following accounts that have cleaning tips, home interior, Chronic health and more which I have been speaking to a few lovely ladies. I decided to log into our blog Instagram and dedicate more of my time and energy as on my personal is alot of people I know in real life and sometimes I had to be careful what I posted or my stories. Although I know they can also see our blog insta, I feel more comfortable and confident posting what I want, sharing my life and find its easier to be more open. So for the past month or so I have only been using the blog insta and not only has snapchat been abandon but my personal insta has. In just a short time I have been talking to a few ladies, already got my favorite people to follow and feel 100% better in myself knowing I am not alone in being OCD, being addicted to cleaning products, having mental illnesses, grieving for my two babies, dealing with the shit of having chronic illnesses.  

Although the Instagram is back up and running, the blog isn't. As much as I'd love to be able to write blog posts, its kind of impossible right now due to health. But I have soo many ideas to the point where my notes on my phone can't take anymore haha. I've learnt lately to live one day at a time which before I wasn't and it was totally making me stress. So I'm not going force myself to write blog post just yet. I've even made a few insta friends already so I am concentrating on that for the time being. I have also been tweeting from our twitter but I'm not really bothered about that as I've never found twitter amazing if that makes sense. 

Head over to our Instagram HERE if you want to see me moaning about being in pain, being tired, watch me go on about cleaning in my stories haha. I said this was going to be a quick post but its taken me forever as I'm rather tired. Thank you for reading and lets hope I can put my ideas into many blog posts soon. 

Love Katie 

Change Is Okay

Hello Everyone.. I honesty cannot remember the last time I done a health update or any update to be honest. Life has just got in the way for the last year or so and we have sort of abandoned the blog. I'm speaking for myself but I think Beth would agree when I say that we both are different people since we last blogged. Both older and are in a different place from few years back. Pain and illnesses has 100% changed me and weirdly for the best, I am more understanding, more patience and in all a much better person. Obviously I cannot speak for Beth but she's now a married lady with two kids and now they live in their own apartment so I think she's changed also but in a good way. If Beth is reading this I hope I don't offend you haha.

Photo by Pinterest 

What I'm trying to say is that change is a good thing. It's scary yes but it has to happen as we grow up. Since being a Auntie I have become less selfish and more caring. I'm sure as the months go by that I shall change more.. and I'm okay with it. Few years back I would of been scared.. scared of changing me as a person and scared of changing into someone I don't like. 

Years ago I wouldn't of thought I'd be where I am today. Living with Mother at 25 years old and unable to work... it's something I never planned in my head. But I cannot change being ill and I have to deal with that. I always think that I'm lucky in a way.. lucky because I am able to live at home with my mother who is my best friend. Some people don't have that choice or their mother isn't around anymore so I have to think myself lucky there. Of course I'd love to be living in my own place with my own family.. I crave it so much that it's constantly in my head. I have to deal with the fact that I cannot change my situation or health right now so I have to embrace and think myself lucky as I'm sure it could be worse. 

I'm not real sure what this blogpost is about.. and you can probably tell that I'm dosed to the max on painkillers but I just wanted to say that change is totally normal and okay. If you're in the position to change your life then totally embrace that face but for myself and other people who are unable to change life then just know that it's okay..the quicker we accept that we're unable to do certain things and stop beating yourself up about it.. then the better you will feel. I'm sure myself and Beth will have proper blogpost coming soon.. and I promise to try and not be dosed up on painkillers next time!! 

Love Katie xx

Toilet Thoughts

Hello readers.. 

I'm currently writing this as I'm sat on the toilet and I'm sure most people wouldn't want to know that but in reality this is my life. I have Ulcerative Colitis which if you have been following our blog since we started then you would know. If you haven't read our blog and don't know or heard of Ulcerative Colitis is then it's an Irritable Bowel Disease (NOT IBS) and this horrible disease means I attend the toilet basically 95% of the day. I get very sore joints because of this and also terrible fatigue so you can imagine sitting on the toilet isn't enjoyable.

I wanted to write this post because I swear some people think that I'm even making it up or that I enjoy suffering from Colitis! It's exhausted, painful & frustrating. I never have a proper goodnight sleep because for some reason my Bowel is more awake at night time. I never get to watch full programme as run back and forward to the bathroom. It's not fun or enjoyable having to sit on the toilet and for normal people when they go for a toilet they are not in pain but I am in pain. Everyone I open my bowel it is absolutely agony and I cry because of the pain. 

I sit on the toilet and watch people snapchats or insta stories and see people out having fun or not having to worry about to what to eat and it's hard to watch.. and I do feel about jealous of them. Then I go on Facebook and read people statues about their fun evenings and it makes me sad and angry. I look back and miss the old me. The old me who used to spend my evenings going out, drinking, eating whatever I wanted, was abled to have a goodnight sleep and literally having no care in the world. 

So when people say that I have an easy life being housebound, stuck on the toilet in pain and never having a goodnight sleep.... "easy" isn't the word I'd call it. I didn't choose to have this disease and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'd absolutely chose to be working, doing normal adult things and not having to be in pain over this any day!! It's hard to be positive when I'm stuck on the toilet, it's hard to be happy and not dwell on the past. But this IS my life and all I wish is for my health to be better and to gain my life back again. So yeah this isn't enjoying or fun and if anyone says it is then come and be in my shoes for a day and you'll soon realise how "fun" this really is!!! 

Love Katie xx

CCUK/Endoscopy Tour

Sooooo this is the first blog post I have done in a very very long time!! What better way to start blogging again by writing about something close to my heart..

On Sunday I went to my first ever Crohns and Colitis Meet up at the Endoscopy Clinic At Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading and it was literally so amazing to meet and talk to people who suffer with IBD. This was my first meet at all so I was nervous abit and to make things worse Im flaring at the moment. This was rather different from a general "meet" as it was a chance for Friends and family of members of Crohns and Colitis Berkshire to see behind the scene and learn more about what us IBD sufferers have to deal with when we enter in Endoscopy area. I brought my Mother and Stepdad with me as I thought it would be a good idea to get them involved more and in hope that they can try to understand what I go through. I am glad I took them as they are two of my closest people in my life and I would love it if my closest ones understood and knew more about IBD from the endoscopy consultant.  

So we got there about 10am ish and we sat down with a cuppa in the reception area of the Endoscopy unit. Well I say sit down but what I really meant is that I ran straight to the toilet because Colitis doesn't like to behave well at the moment lol. We all had a cuppa and biscuits and had a chat/got to know each other for about 10 minutes or so. Then Professor Jon Simmons started the tour of the endoscopy clinic and literally I was so interested and amazed. He explained what happens from the minute you step into the reception to the minute you leave. He started by showing us the waiting areas which is separate for male and females, once you are undress you put all your clothing and items in a big "shopping basket"...you know like the baskets on wheels they have at some shops, well it was exactly the same as that which they take it with you all the way to recovery. Also in that area he shown us where you have the enema which is in a room attached to a toilet. Then onto the exciting area!!!! The Endoscopy operation rooms. Jon shown us everything from the equipment, the biopsy equipment, all the machines, the gas and air ect and he also explained all the different type of sedation which was very interesting. We asked him some questions then he switch on the machine and we all had a hold of the endoscope itself, took biopsy (with paper) and we was all in amazed haha. Then off we went to the recovery area which was male and female separate and explained how it works ect. Now this part was the best...the cleaning room!! So once the endoscopy is finished the nurse will take the dirty endoscope plus all the equipment to the cleaning room which was literally so interesting. On one side was full on sinks where they clean the equipment first then on the other side was the big machine which looked like massive washing machines haha... they put the equipment in these machine which is disinfected. Once the cleaning progress is all finished its comes out in a separate room so basically the dirty ones NEVER mix with the cleans ones. Then we went to see all the other operations rooms which one had a X-ray in and lastly we went to the room where you go and sit down once you have recovered from the sedation and all your obs are fine. That room is full of comfy sofas, a area for hot drinks and toaster and a little room joined to it which is for when they have the report of the endoscopy and the nurse goes through any questions you have ect and then you wait til you are picked up or drive home if you just have gas and air. 

We stayed in that room for ages asking Professor Jon Simmons lots of questions, we had lots of debates about the NHS and a general chat about life with IBD.  We was there for a good few hours and even my Mother and Stepdad learnt so much and got stuck in with asking questions. I literally felt alot better after talking to people who suffer the same as me as I finally was talking to people who know exactly how I feel. To be honest I was more happy that my Mother and Stepdad came and joined in because they obviously do not have IBD so its hard for them to understand me at times and sometimes they both have been judgmental in the past which I don't blame them for because unless you have IBD, its really difficult to understand. As I said at the start of this post that this was my first ever meet up to do with Crohns and Colitis so I was very scared but after it finished I felt more confident and excited to attend other meet ups. 

I learnt ALOT and feel alot less nervous now for when I have another Colonoscopy/Sigmoidoscopy. I am not under Reading Hospital so it was all new to me but after speaking to the Jon Simmons its made me ever more sure to be referred there. I am currently under Wexham Park hospital and ever since I was diagnosed in 2015 I have never had any progress with symptoms and they still won't try me on any other medication. So I think its about time to get referred to a new IBD specialist with a good IBD nurse support team and in hope they start me on new treatment and finger crossed I start to feel better. 

Thank you to anyone who has stayed this far and read this haha. Myself and Beth haven't been blogging properly for ages. Life got in the way and we put this blog in the back of our mind. We literally loved writing and reading other blogs and we both said its a form of therapy for us so we promise to try and get this blog back to how it was. 

Love Katie 
xx  

Wedding Diet Diary

Hey guys,

I forgot to post this Tuesday so its a bit longer! Sorry!

Sorry I haven't written in a couple days been a manic weekend! Not only that been so ashamed :( Yes I fell off the wagon entirely! Not good and so soon. But I'm back on it! I think I needed that dip in order to pick myself up a bit.
 We went out to dinner last night and I did have a pig out but to be fair we don't often eat out so I made the most of it. Like I said I'm doing this my way and if that means the odd treat then that's what I will do. I am sticking to my diet every other day. I think the fact I put such strict rules on myself last time, like anyone does when they diet was part of my failure, I've never been one to stick to rules! haha. The fact I have put that pressure on myself has gave me more motivation to say yeah I can do this and get back on it and not give up. You may think I'm being stupid, it don't matter I'm doing what I thinks good for me and it may not work...but it might. Will have to see.
 I bet your thinking why haven't I put up a start picture of myself up well there are many reasons. No.1 I'm not body confident much. I will take one and if this works I may post a before and after picture but I'm not going to put that stress and pressure on myself at the moment. No3 this isn't a look how much weight I've lost or planning to loose post. This is simply a diary to log what I'm doing to see if it works and in future if it does work and think you need to see progress or whatever I will share. But this is real. No fitness fanatic blog.
 I do enjoy the shakes they are very tasty they taste like if not better than the branded ones. They feel me up to and I find myself fancying one. This morning I have had a shake for breakfast which I really enjoyed, I don't know what I'm having for lunch it will probably be a shake again. For dinner I will be having salmon baby potatoes broccoli and baby corn one of my favs!

Thursday 23rd March

I've had my coffee morning this morning but I have not had anything to eat, I am starving! So I am relying on slim fast snacks! I don't know what to hav for lunch I would have a shake but I have run out of skimmed millk :( and forgot to buy some. Still I guess I will be saving room for my rib coleslaw and sweet potato chip dinner! Not the healthiest and not the most unhealthiest either, and I've saved myself for it haha! It is hard I'm finding the hunger hard but the image of my dress is keeping me semi strong haha.

I am going to go now I am very tired I didn't get to sleep till 2am! I will be back to check in tomorrow. Happy dieting to me and other who are:)

see you soon

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx 

wedding diet

Hi guys!

I know its been a while...Again. But I am back for a bit haha.

Well I'm getting married in 3 months. Yes 3 MONTHS! I know a lot of brides diet for like a year before they get married but to be honest that hasn't really bothered me, but now I'm like terrified of not fitting into my dress, so now 3 months before I take the plunge I've decided to diet. Better late than never!

My facebook feed is basically covered in juice plus. My facebook is basically like a juice plus focus group. All I see are various women shredding the pounds by cleansing their bodies souls and god knows whatever else with various shakes and capsules. Capsules yes basically a posher word for pills. Basically slimming pills for posh people that don't like to admit popping pills every 5 minuets. Any how I thought well this obviously works. So there I am on the juice plus website looking at their shakes and "capsules" and I would basically have to go get myself a mortgage and then re mortgage to afford that. If I did juice plus the diet would cost more than my wedding. So I thought juice plus can stick it.

What else could I do. Well any diet is not going to work without eating healthy so I thought I would try changing my diet and see how I get on, then I wont have to cut of a leg and sell it in order to loose weight. I've been eating fish, veg ect and cut out snacking. Now I have been on meal replacement shakes before and I didn't work for me but I thought I want to give it another go but do it my way because if I don't I will fail, just like last time. so here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to eat healthier and drink water, apart from the odd treat drink. I'm going to have a meal replacement shake as I want, so maybe I will have one a day at breakfast or lunch which ever I feel like on the day, I may even choose to have one for breakfast and lunch on various days. The meals I do have are going to be healthy. No shit, no fatty foods, just tasty healthy meals. Gone is the snacking. I am aware that on sometimes I can have a cheat. so then I may decide to have the odd cheat but only one thing. I will allow myself a takeaway which would be a chicken kebab, when I was on slimming world this was a popular choice amongst other slimming buddies as its a "healthier" takeaway if there ever was such a thing. I'm going to listen to my body and do it my way.

I'm thinking of using this blog as a diary of my weight journey too off load as I just cant do It without. I know, I know, I started one before and it come to fuck all basically but this time I have an end goal too look at.

Today I am having, a Superdrug own instant meal replacement shake, strawberry flavour, a slimming world Mediterranean chicken pasta from Iceland for lunch and dinner is undecided at the moment. At the moment I am feeling positive and really want to see results. I will be back tomorrow to log how I am feeling and keep you updated...if you want to be haha.






speak soon
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Dear Grandad

Hey gramps,

A lots happened since you've been gone. 14 years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still I cant bare to speak about it. I'm sure you've seen  what a hectic life I've lived since but yet I've not been able to talk about any of it  with you. God there have been  so many times where I've fucked up or been down or felt alone or even been  so happy that I have wanted to come to and talk to you about it and ask for your advice. Many of times I've been alone and spoke to you out loud in the hope that maybe you can hear me. I've longed for one last cuddle, one more laugh, one more time shared. All these years there's not been a minute gone by when the longing has stopped. The milestones you've missed, my 16th 18th 21st.  My exams, my daughters birth and soon to be my wedding.
 Oh how I wold have loved to have you there through school, I went a bit off the rails you see, how I know you would have whipped me back on to the straight and narrow. It was being attacked that did to me I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt dirty and wrong. I blamed myself. My world crumbled around me I was hated and told I was lying through my teeth by many people who knew me in school. I didn't even know what had happened, I was young. The police told me what it was. Rape. I needed you. You would have known exactly how to make me feel better, even  if it was just taking my mind off things. I talked to you a lot then. Did you hear? It don't matter if you didn't. it just gave me some comfort talking to you. Anyhow that's how I ended up going off the rails a bit, smoking, drinking, dodgy crowd. I'm not proud of it, infact I'd rather forget about it. I just want to say I'm sorry. The way I acted then I can imagine you were far from proud. Before then I was the good girl you would remember, never putting a foot out of line, shy and respectful. Then after what happened I was rebellious, rude and cocky. I hated myself but I couldn't change. I didn't know how. The events had changed me, morphed me into something new. Yet all the time I just wanted to be the person you would remember. Id still feel close to you then. But she was a distant memory. I love writing to you. The trouble is I don't want to stop, but I have to go get Ava from school and get Bella ready for school. You would love them. Promise me I can chat to again? I will write to you again soon I promise.

chat soon

love you always

BO BO xxx

A letter to friends.

Dear friends,

Before I met you I was a shell with an inside full of mush. Trying to find myself in a new place with a series of change happening before my eyes. Scared and anxious of what may come my way. Stuck in a rut of routine, a routine that I'm not knocking its a routine that kept me going and kept me dealing with day to day life. Yeah I have family, a great one at that. But they weren't there with me day to day though everyday phone calls kept me sane.
 The amount of times I wished I had a "clique" sad I know, but I longed for the girly chats and the mum to mum school moans. School holiday meetings and coffee mornings. Most girls dream of fancy holidays, dinners and gifts. Me I dreamed of reigniting my social life. Social life, I used to take it for granted. Never really realised the value of friends. Sure I have Katie but I think of her more like my sister.
 When we first started talking I was sceptical. Not of any of you, in myself. I didn't think it would move past the odd talk in the playground or outside my flat. Who would want a proper friendship with me? The more we talked and the closer we got the more the mush  inside this shell of me started to harden and thicken, became more of a substance. I started to feel like me again. I started to look forward to school runs and ballet runs. Started to experience night out. I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Coffee mornings are a thing now and set me up for the day, ballet afternoons on a Thursday happen regularly. 
  I have people to go to when I'm feeling down. I don't have to put everything on one person who was usually Katie. I'm glad I haven't got to put all my problems on her and I have you girls to help me to and like wise  that I can be there as a good friend to you ladies too.
I used to take social life and friendship for granted thinking I will always have it, how wrong was I. It makes you feel human, it gives you laughs and support and well company. Thank you ladies , and here's to many years of friendship.

Beth xxx
 

Budget Bride -Week1

Hello my lovelies!

I am so sorry! I have been such a bad blogger this week and neglected the blog a bit. To be honest I've been on such a high this week and only had one thing on my mind. MY WEDDING. Yes I'm getting married!!! After three years we have FINALLY set a date for June next year. I never really understood the whole bridezilla thing or the whole weddings are stressful thing, but I've had my first taster this week and the stress cloud is already showing an appearance! There is just so much to think about you don't know where to start first. The bridezilla head hasn't shown itself yet, note I say yet as you never know, its just so easy to get carried away!

I am not going to sit here and say I'm having a big fancy occasion because I'm not. Sure it would be lovely to have the castle, marque, white doves, fire works and lavish party with posh food and champagne all night long. That's every little girls dream. It was mine until I met Tom and realised the real meaning for marriage. Anyway my do is going to be a tad smaller, a registry office ceremony and some kind of pub/function room reception. It may not be lavish but its just as much stress and just as much work, though its nice stress and work I like doing! I thought I would track my journey through the blog, it may relate to other brides out there!

Through week 1 of wedding planning I have learnt that the first thing you should do apart from the obvious ceremony booking and notice to marry booking is getting the guest list together. You need to have a good Idea of numbers because that's the first thing people ask when you enquire about ANYWHERE. I'm actually going to rewind and say you will prob need to know numbers before booking the ceremony too because them rooms come in many size varieties!

What I found more challenging in week one

Getting Tom to tell his dad - Ok so this may seem little in hindsight but when its not. I have many family members that are excited and want to go public on social media but I felt strongly that no close family members should find out that way. I had told all I needed to and so did Tom... to a certain degree. He really dragged his heels when telling his dad and no there was no reason for it other than he is simply just a man. And a very laid back at that. Tom can be so laid back that he is going backwards at times. I was on at him for a good couple of days to tell his dad before he actually listened, this played my "bride anxiety" (yes I am inventing something) up bad.

Reception Venue - Ah gosh its not easy when your on a budget and EVERY venue wants to charge through the roof! No I am not after something for nothing but I would like there to be a good amount of options out there for us budget brides!

Notice Of Marriage -  Well this is a massive pain in the bum for me! I need to save up the £70 to give notice of marriage, I know a joke of a charge! This is the most stressful thing because I know it NEEDS to be done its going to take me 4 weeks to save to book and will probably the longest 4 weeks of my life.

Things I found easy in week 1

Ceremony venue - I found this quite quick, I had a pick of registry offices but I found this gem of an old manorish house and HAD to book! it was quick and easy with just a £46 deposit:)

Telling friends and family - I haven't gone wild on social media yet but I let it out to friends and family in a heartbeat as I just couldn't contain my excitement! They also know how long I've waited for this and how much it means to us.

Planning and organising - Thanks to my sister making me fab planning folder I have thrown myself into jotting things down and organising. It makes life so much easier!!

Picking Bridesmaids and Page Boys - Very important for a bride!  I picked them easily, I'm having my two girls Ava and Bella then Katie my lovely sister in law and Elisa my sister (And baby Jayde my niece) if my sisters okay with it . My page boys are gonna be my two gorgy nephews Alfie and Ronnie.

I think I have earned a nice glass of wine and to put my feet up! I'm gonna go and watch x factor now but I look forward to keeping you all updated with my planning next week :)

Thanks for reading :)

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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My Mind And Me - It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

Well on my journey with counselling I expected to see changes. Mood changes more than anything. I thought this counselling would be a fix, A Quick fix. If I am totally honest with you I thought it was going to be 'easy' and solve all my problems. How naïve of me. I was being stupid thinking like that but when your in the moment things seem a lot different. That's one thing that's annoying about depression, it can cloud a lot and change your thought process. I'm lucky I am not one of the severe ones.


Half way through my journey I began to realise the desired effect I hoped the counselling would have was not going to happen. I kept coming out of the sessions with my emotions running sky high just like I felt on the first session only I couldn't figure out why. I mean yes its understandable that I wouldn't feel one hundred percent after speaking about the events of my past but come on I thought I'd be able to learn to keep a lid on how it made me felt. In my head that's what counselling was meant to help me to do. I don't know If that was my deluded vision of counselling or a thought process I created to help make what counselling would really do to me seem easier.

Before you start counselling they tell you it is an emotional journey and you start to feel worse before you feel better and you may also not feel great when you finish. I thought that nah that's not going to be me they are just saying that to make me feel better. I can tell you I was wrong, wrong to assume I would be different. I was feeling worse, half way through I thought I was going to rip someone's head off and my emotions were all over the place. I should have listened and that way I would have been prepared for the hard core feelings hitting me like a bus. I'm not going to dress it up for you all its important you know the realities of counselling. I felt destroyed. I felt broken as a person and as woman, I was in a tunnel that I didn't think I would make  it through. I felt stuck. Stuck with my past and all the horrible memories it brought. I was reliving it every day in my head almost like punishing myself. But why? I didn't know.

I realise now that I was meant to feel that way. Its like a fear the only way to confront it is to tackle it head on. That's what I was doing. Tackling my past head on because my past was the key to all my problems. Despite the way the counselling was making me feel I enjoyed going. It was my chance to talk to someone, tell someone how I felt and what was going on and that person  did not judge. That person was completely neutral  and most of  all listened. Listened when no one else would, or couldn't understand. So there I was half way through my counselling journey feeling shit and confused and erratic but also feeling motivated and positive that I had someone to listen. That is what started to pull me through. The fact that every seven days there was a pair of ears waiting for me meant the world.

Look out for my mind and me next week

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Break explanation

Hello Lovlies,

OMG two weeks out! I do apologise for taking a two week break but we all need time off right? Things just got on top of me I suppose, not taking my anti depressants didn't help. I know I know I need to take them  and can't come off them cold turkey but what's a girl to do when the funds aren't there? I needed to pick up my prescription from the chemist but as one of the few on a low income but for some what reason the government decide don't need help I wasn't able to afford to pick up my medication. I pay for my scripts as and when so its a nightmare!! That reminds me I should set up the pre paid thing. So yeah I've been feeling pretty low. Along with that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I'll have terrible problems falling asleep and then when I do go off I cant hold a sleep and will be waking up every hourish. That along with having low iron levels has left me walking around like a zombie. I am on tablets for my low iron but I am a nightmare for remembering to take the damn things, anyone else like that? Things come to ahead Friday when Katie insisted I go doctors and accompanied me for moral support. I broke down in there after getting prescribed medication to help me sleep. That wasn't before the bloody doctor pre judged me as a weed smoking alcoholic. Apparently when  you cant sleep and turn up with no make up on that's what you automatically become.

Thanks to Katie for buying my scripts for me I was finally able to get back on the mend by taking my anti depressants again and taking my sleep meds. After a few nights good sleep I'm starting to gradually feel a bit better and more relaxed. Relaxed enough to start blogging again. If I am honest I've missed my blogging in the last couple of weeks, it makes  me feel so much better. Being able to vent and let you guys what's going on makes me feel good. It just a shame that no matter how much I wanted to get back on the laptop I just didn't feel able to.

Not to worry now though, I am back, I've had a break and I'm looking forward to writing for you all again. This was a post to let you know why I've been quiet and to read our posts this week, starting with one tomorrow :)

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Relationship Revelation

My lovely readers

You know being in a relationship is probably one of the hardest things I have ever had to do. And I've been a single parent. When your single and you think about relationship life you believe its all just going to fall in to your lap, if you find your 'soul mate' so to speak then it will be easy. You will get together and sail off into the sunset and live a life of no stress and no work. Well that's how it works in the movies isn't it? Naïve indeed, but that was me back then. Yes I had a child but when It came to family life I hadn't a clue, I lived with my parents one of them being a mother that wouldn't let me touch the cooker or washing machine, or my bed for that matter. Of course this meant I had it a bit easy but in reality it taught me f***k all about life and how to look after myself ect. My parents never gave me great talks about relationships, what to expect, what its like when you find 'the one' and so on. It wasn't their fault they wasn't s**t parents, they were just from an older generation and found it a bit awkward, whereas parents of today don't. But still whatever the how I was so uneducated when  it came to relationships, whatever I did know was self taught, so I pretty much had to wing it all. The dating, the first night together, the meeting the family, the talk of what you both want, and then the most serious stuff. And of course the sex stuff like,  hey I'm on the pill but do you wanna wear a condom for a double whammy of protection. Which by the way me and Tom didn't and I fell pregnant on the pill.

The honeymoon period was the hardest to understand, sure it was lovely and easy while we were in it, but its the coming out of it I'm talking about, you know the bit where you emerge into a 'proper established' couple, like a caterpillar emerging from a cocoon as butterfly. This is the bit I would have personally like a heads up about. Things change and unless you have been given the heads  up you start to question EVERYTHING. Nothing stays the same, the romance dies down a little, the man gets extremely comfortable and thinks he don't have to woo you and you feel like you can let out your most embarrassing traits and so does he. You tend to bicker because well you know that you don't have to pretend that you love each others bad habits. As a woman I find then that you can get extremely paranoid that he's not into you anymore. He weren't like it before (honeymoon period). In reality he is into just as much but he just knows that he's got you now. You become an unromantic nose picking, wind releasing love making pair. To be honest the love making is the only thing that remains pretty much the same, well it did in my case that was until I was heavily pregnant, even then we didn't stop completely. I fell pregnant in the honeymoon period, which is pretty rare. And during the honeymoon period Tom was obviously getting to know Ava who was very young at the time. He was taking her on as his own. So where as normal couples only experience the normal changes of settling into an established relationship, we had a few extra. Poor Tom had to deal with someone with hormones that hit space and come crashing back down with a massive thud, when he didn't leave me then I knew he was a keeper, I had practically turned into a pig to the point where you could have put me in a pen and I would have fitted in quite well, how he kept up with the amount of food I shoved down me I don't know. Trying to make myself look as attractive as I was when we met, while being pregnant and the size of a house was pretty difficult in itself, though he always said how beautiful I was I was still over paranoid I was gonna loose him. When you add money problems like Tom loosing his job, finding a place to live ect, things got pretty tough. It tested us. We did argue, of course we did. We both got hugely stressed, but we had each other and we both knew we were stronger together. When Tom finally got another stable job and things started to ease it was time for me to give birth to our beautiful Bella. This is where I knew our relationship was for good, he literally saw me toilet during childbirth and although he was nearly sick in his own mouth, he still confessed his love for me. Of course I was mortified when he first told me what he had seen as doing that during childbirth was one of my biggest fears but, now I couldn't give a s**t (pardon the pun). It proved how strong Toms love for me actually is.

Now we have been together 3 years, its been a rocky road full of ups and downs, stresses and joys. Tom can wind me up to the point where I want to scream, whether he does it in a jokey way or a moody way and then in the click of his fingers he can calm  me down and make me laugh. Family life can stress out a relationship, this is sometimes what I wanted mum to make me aware of, sure you can give the safe sex talk, how to handle dates first kisses ect, but what about handling the relationship in the comfy stages, how to deal with emotions when you have an argument ect. When me and Tom have an argument I get so upset, I'm a very emotional person. Heck sometimes I thought life would be easier to walk out, this is when we are arguing. Your head and thoughts get so blurred when your angry. This is when I look into his eyes and all the bad feeling and thoughts all  just melt away, its like looking into them when we first met and falling in love with him all over again. I don't know how he does it.

I suppose from this I wanna hand out some advice, some of you won't need it, some of you might. No matter how much that person annoys you no matter how often they don't do the dishes or they don't pick up their clothes. No matter how many times they make constant jokes they think are funny or moan at you for one thing or another. When you are in that moment where the stress has  built up and you think you just can't do it anymore. Don't run. Its not the answer, if everyone gave up on their relationship when it got a bit stressful then we would all be single. Look into their eyes, see what made you fall in love with this person in the first place, that person is still there. You both just need to make an effort to ensure that you both see that from time to time. Sit down find it in your hearts to forgive each others imperfections and embrace each other. Enjoy each other because one day you wont be able too. Remember like me and Tom your the strongest when together and united. I don't know about you but when me and Tom are united I feel on top of the world, in fact, I feel like I can take on the world. He is my best friend, my soul mate, my partner, my first love and my true love and I will always be by his side.  


Thanks for reading

Until next time :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


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My Mind And Me - Raw Emotions

Raw Emotions

Getting in the car I felt very uneasy. I felt like I was on my way to court to be judged. In reality I was on my way to my second counselling session, only this was the first time we would start talking about things properly. As I sat in the back seat of the cab I felt as if I was about to have every last detail of my life and traumatic events be picked apart one by one. I was about to confront issues that I hadn't visited in a long while, events that could have possibly caused the depression I was feeling today. Notice I say possibly, I didn't know for sure what had caused it but that was the point in this, the journey was to find out what had and to start conquering it for my sake and my families.

Sitting in the waiting room caused the most nerves. They were NHS so there was no thought of comfort gone into the waiting room, of course the NHS never pumped money into things like that. To be honest they should it may make anxiety in people like me lower when waiting to torture themselves with their pasts. Part of me was hoping I had got the day wrong and they wouldn't call my name out, but I was correct. "Bethany" there was my name, dread filled me as I took a slow forceful walk into the room I had came to like on my last visit, but I had a feeling that after todays session I wouldn't be feeling the same. The awkwardness was overwhelming, the counsellor was waiting for me to start, but I couldn't, I couldn't find the words to say what I had been through. I needed her to ask me about it, it was the only way I was going to open up, it was the only way I knew how. The time between me deciding to be awkward and the counsellor asking me seemed to drag. It was silent and I was look around the room in a nervous panic, I heard Ava and Bella playing in the waiting room under Katie's supervision, it took all the strength I had not to crash through the wall to them. Let me tell you its not easy holding back tears when someone is unstitching the stitching that held the emotional wounds together. I couldn't. I broke down. It was hard. I talked about the events that had moulded the person that stands here today. The wounds were open and the emotions where pouring out like blood and I couldn't stop  it and I couldn't control it. My anxiety crept up as I was aware of the counsellor sitting in front of me. What was she thinking? Did she think I was nuts? Was she going to tell me off for crying? The answers to all these questions was no. She was calming and as I made eye contact with her for the first time I could see something, she was listening. For the first time no one was crying, getting confused or getting angry when I spoke about everything. For the first time someone was actually taking it in and listening to every word, to me. Nothing more, nothing less. Just listening to what I was saying and to how I felt. Before I knew it time was up and I had to leave. But I was just getting started, now I had to stop when the wounds were open, if I closed them up again I weren't sure if I could re open them again which left me only one option. I had to leave my wounds open for the week. This scared me. Scared me stiff.

I must have been a complete nightmare to live with that week. I remember feeling so terrible and wanting to cry almost all of the time. I would put on a brave face and pretend I was okay in front of people, but not Tom. I couldn't pretend to him. So he got the rough of it as I let my emotions out the only way I knew how. Anger. I would pick arguments and then argue till I was blue in the face. I would then cry afterwards like I was the poor victim when I wasn't. Poor Tom had been lured into an argument just so I could scream and shout to let it all out. let out all the emotions that were pouring out of them still open wounds. I couldn't explain it to Tom, I didn't know how. It killed me inside to shout at him the way I did and to confuse him the way I did. I love him so very much he's the love of my life it wasn't fair on him. I'm pretty s**t at coping sometimes. I did think that week that maybe Tom would be better off without me, without me treating him so poorly. With out me shouting at him every night. But Tommy being the lovely bloke that he is still cuddled me, still gave me comfort and reassurance, in his own way he understood, he didn't have to say it out loud for me to know. With every cuddle he gave me after every argument I knew that he would be there by my side while I confronted the demons of my past. I was so tired of how I felt and hoped that I would start seeing the positives from the counselling sooner rather than later. Exhaustion was not a good look for me.

Thanks for reading

Look out for My Mind And Me next week.

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Feeling alone By Katie

 

 

 

 

 

 

Feeling alone

 

 

At the weekend my health messed up a family fun day Saturday which made me rather sad and couldn't help but feel alone! 

When you have chronic illness you feel so alone. When I say alone I mean because I have no one in my family that suffers with a chronic illness similar to mine so it's genuinely hard to talk out loud about my health as they do not understand. Alone because most family birthdays meals I cannot attend because I'm either in a bad flare or can't eat anything on the menu so I'm left at home alone and I end up feeling so isolated. The one thing that really upsets me about missing family occasions is when I get certain family members saying that I'm choosing to not go out and that I don't want to socialise which couldn't be further from the truth. Of course I want to go out, attend all family meals or events and socialise but I've realised that you HAVE to put yourself and your health first. I've spent many times sitting in a restaurant putting on a totally different mask and acting fine when in reality I'm sitting there with stomach cramps, my joints are in crippling pain and my eyes are wanting to close from severe fatigue. The smile I put on in those situations is totally fake. How can I smile when I'm in so much pain. Sometimes putting on an mask and a fake smile doesn't  work in my favour! Unfortunately It makes some of my family members think that I am absolutely fine and that I am lying about being ill. It leaves me thinking what is the lesser of two evils? Grinning and bearing the family meal in crippling pain or putting myself first and not going and facing the criticism of some not so understanding family members.

 

The weekend just gone, I planned to go to Battersea Old Windsor Fun day on the Saturday with Beth, my nieces and my brother, we planned this ages ago and we was all looking forward to it. The evening before I got ready to have an early night then all of a sudden my colitis really flared up big time to the point where I was on the toilet from 10pm until 7.40am so I was incredibly exhausted from just running back and forward to the bathroom. At 8am I thought lets get an hours sleep so I can have some energy for the day out but soon as I closed my eyes, my bowel had other ideas meaning I had no other choice than to cancel the plans and stay in bed instead. I was so exhausted and the toilet trips continued till Saturday evening and I was home alone so I felt even worse and more alone. 

Luckily I have my three dogs who drive me mental but they follow me to the toilet, cuddle me on the sofa, always by my side in bed and make me laugh. I am so glad that I live with my Mother, something I thought at 24 years old that I wouldn't say but honestly I couldn't be without her. 

I really hope that my health starts to improve as I hate missing out on all these family events, I will be sure to keep you all update on my health and my story.

until next time

Katie x

My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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