My Mind And Me - Getting sorted

Getting Sorted

So here I am taking my antidepressants like a good girl, 40mg I was on a high dose. At that point it hit me that I really had a problem, I was depressed and I needed help. Like all antidepressants you have to wait for them to kick in, sometimes its like waiting for a train you've already missed. I was quite aware that I couldn't go on the way I was, not for one more second so even though I was on medication and although I had to give it time before I noticed a difference, I needed extra help. That's when my health visitor referred me to Talking Therapies, a wonderful service of counselling provided by the NHS in Berkshire. I would have 6-8 sessions to get to the root of my problem, because it was NHS based ect and the high amount of people that needed the service you were given a certain amount of sessions.

I was up for it, I think I would have took any help at the time. The first step was a telephone assessment. This made my anxiety so bad, I suffer with telephone anxiety you see and this was my idea of a nightmare. I thought so many times about ignoring the phone call or just cancelling. These thoughts went round and round in my head for the week that I waited, It was like a Ferris wheel in my head, for that entire week I was on edge and as you might have guessed that played to my depressions advantage. I was so relieved  when I got it out the way and optimistic as I had been given a date for my first session. Optimistic for the first few days after getting it more like. As the date got closer the more nervous I got and the more I questioned whether I actually needed to go. I thought old thoughts of I can sort this out myself despite trying and failing miserably beforehand.

On the morning of my first appointment I was ok, I don't think it seemed real and I was busy being a mummy to think about the days events, I also had Katie with me that distracted me too. Katie was really good she booked the cab and gave me a big help in hand getting the girls sorted because as it came to getting ready to go I could feel myself physically shaking. I could feel my breath getting short and myself not thinking straight, I could feel my eyes wanting to leak and I knew what was coming. A panic attack. I needed to stop it because I new if I went into a full attack I wouldn't go, I'd slump  back down into the sofa and pretend I was ok. To calm me down I took a couple of propanadol (tablets for anxiety) which I had previously been prescribed. They do work a treat but on that day they only scraped the edge off as my anxiety was through the roof. Still I put on a brave face for my children and tried to have fun and make them laugh as much as I could in the cab there, may I add the cab driver got lost, that was all I needed.

It was like the walk of doom walking through the hospital to where talking therapies was based. I felt like I was walking into a trap of my own thoughts, feelings and memories. I'm not silly I know what happens  in counselling, you have to talk about things that had happened in the past. If you were to ask me if I were ready to open up about my past I would have said, for my family to have a better person to live with, yes of course I was ready but for me not I wasn't ready, I felt like holding back because the thought of bringing up old memories seemed harder to live with than the depression. I bet you wondered what made me go in and not run a mile, well my family for one, I wasn't going to let them down and maybe I needed to confront my past head on, like confronting a fear. I knew the key to getting better was hid in my memories I just needed to find it.

As I sat on the chair, I felt like a rabbit caught in headlights, I didn't know what to say where to look what to do. Luckily for me It wasn't going to be the nitty gritty of a proper counselling session, this first one was just about going over my assessment, unfortunately we did touch on my past a bit. When it came to it I hesitated, I stuttered I tried to open up a couple of times. I really did try, my mouth would open but nothing would come out it was like someone had put me on mute. Something strange then happened, it was as though someone inside gave me a shove and all of a sudden I was taken off mute and words kept pouring out. You couldn't stop me. Before I knew it the first session was over. It weren't even a proper session it was just an assessment but I felt something had been lifted from me.

I remember feeling good after that day, I felt really positive for the next week and I actually found myself looking forward to my first proper session. But was my positive attitude about to change as I come closer to my first proper nitty gritty down to business counselling session.

Watch out for My Mind And Me next week

Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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A Granddad & Granddaughter Bond

I cannot believe this picture is over a year ago. Ava Lily has grown up so fast. The picture above she was helping Granddad Ron water his plants. Granddad Ron is very protected over hes plants and garden and hardly lets anyone get involved but Ava was so careful and done a good job. Ava loves Ron in fact we all do. He is such a active modern funny granddad haha. Technically he isn't my Granddad but he has been in my life since I was 6 years old so to me he is my Granddad. Of course I am gutted Ava and Bella will never get to meet my Granddad Reg but I'm sooo glad they have meet and have Ron in their lives. I remember me standing on his feet and us dancing around the kitchen when I was younger, me pretending to be hes hairdresser and charging him 20p to comb him hair haha and also he makes the best chicken curry ever. 

It makes me happy knowing that Ava and Bella are making memories with Ron just like I did when I was younger. This picture above was last year when we all went to the park for the afternoon and even though Ron is nearly 85 years old he doesn't look or act it. He always gets stuck in and plays with the kids. Ava was "helping up" Ron here and the picture of them holding hands literally melts my heart. 

My Granddad Price and Granddad Reg are in heaven and so are Bethany Granddads and I know they are all looking down being proud of the girls, Tommy and Beth. Ava Lily and Bella Mai have got two granddads Steve's haha how confusing. My Father is called Steve and so is Beth dad. She adores her Granddad Jolly ( Beth's dad) so much and their bond is unbreakable. My dad aka Granddad Price doesn't live close to us and we hardly see him let alone do the girls but he has meet them both a few times and he adores them both. It is a shame my Dad doesn't live close/make effort as he was such a good Father to me and Tommy when we was young and I know the girls would have so much fun seeing their Granddad Price more. 

Apart from Ron, I lost both of my Granddads when I was five/six years old and I miss them both so much. I think watching a bond between a Granddad and their Granddaughter is one of the most loveliest things to see. A few of my best memories are with my Granddad Reg so I love seeing the girls make memories with their Granddads. 

Love Katie 

xx 

Throwback Thursdays - Nursery/Pre School

Throwback Thursday

Nursery/Preschool

This week being Ava's first week back at nursery school after the half term we though it would be a good idea for nursery to be our throwback theme. Though quite a long throwback and limited pictures due to them getting misplaced over the years we thought it would be quite a nice theme. Its quite nice to reminisce about the innocent times of our lives. 

Its now we see how easy life was back then when being kids. Both of us have very good  memories about being in nursery, we remember the things we used to do and play and the people who we went with. Its amazing the things your mind chooses  to remember. 

Beth

Beth in her pre school days

I have many memories about pre school. Some of the best to be honest. That was back in the day when I hadn't a care in the world. I was an innocent child who went to school to play and make friends. Much how Ava probably feels now. I remember one day at pre school where they had a donkey come and we all took turns in riding this donkey. I cant remember why exactly they had the donkey turn up, I just remember how I felt. I remember looking up at the animal thinking wow. To me it was so big, and something I had never really seen before. I couldn't wait to  have a go riding the donkey even though it was a short ride it filled me with most wonderful excitement. This makes me realise about children. That the simplest of things when they are new give children a lot of excitement the unknown to them is not scary its exciting. So why now does the unknown scare us adults? That is now a question in my mind. Where does the fear of the unknown develop from?

Katie & Tommy

Katie & Tommy at Pre School 

Mine and Tommy's pre school was called Teddy's and my most remembered memory was having "Teddy Bear Picnic" where each child would take a teddy bear each and go onto the field near pre school and have a picnic. I also remember my Mother being at every pre school outing as she would always come with the staff and other mums. I have abit of a memory block from that age and a few blips from my childhood, I think because when me and Tommy first started out first school, a few months into it we Moved to Windsor to start another school so our friends and surrounding changed alot so for young kids I think I sort of blocked my life previous to Windsor. But that is my most remember memory from pre school. Because of this I always want to make sure we take loads of pictures, drawings and videos of Ava during pre school so she can remember lots when she is older. 

Its quite  good thinking about your life in the past no matter how far back, just to see where your life is now and how much has changed. There are always good and bad memories but there are a lot of memories that are special and that filled us with joy in our childhood that we all would never change...

Lots Of Love 

Katie & Beth...xxx