Mother & Daughter Treat Day

Last Wednesday myself and my Mother went to Windsor town for the afternoon and it ended up being a lovely day. I woken up and thought to myself "I want a manicure and Shellac" as I was feeling crap, down and not myself so off we went to town .I went to a place called Images which for Windsor it quite reasonable price, the place was big, clean and very friendly. So I picked my colour (RED) and she started doing the manicure and My mother sat behind me waiting and I said get a pedicure done I will treat you and for about 20 minutes she was like no but finally in the end I convinced her that she needed to be pampered. So off she went to sit in the pedicure area and my nails were done soon as Mother started her feet as Shellac don't take long. Mine cost £25 which I thought for a proper manicure and shellac was good price and Mother got the Image Express Pedicure which was £25 and she was there for a good hour so I sat on the leather chairs in the waiting area and I was actually relaxing just sitting there and watching the world go by. The salon played relaxing music, the room was bright white light and the chairs was so comfortable that I could of easily fallen asleep haha.

 This was the manicure area and the chair was so comfy, everything was clean and plenty of magazines to read.

 

I sneakly took a picture of my Mother while she was getting her manicure done haha. It did look so relaxing to be honest but I don't think I would be able to sit there for an hour because of my Back and Colitis. My mother has got awful feet haha but after this treatment her feet were so soft and smooth. Defiantly worth the money.

Sorry for the bad quality of picture but you get the idea. They used OPI Gel Colours and I picked the colour called "BIG RED APPLE" which is exactly what I wanted. I am bit of a Red nail lover and Bright Red by Barry M is the one colour I always wear so I wanted to have a bright red. I've always had natural/nude colours whenever I've had Shellac before so I thought I would go for something different and I love it. For me having this which will last 3weeks or more is ideal. I am forever painting my nails and I swear all my medication has made my nails very dry and bad to the point where none nail polishes was lasting long so a shellac is very ideal for me. I will defiantly go back the place and maybe have another random colour.

 



After the salon we really fancied a coffee so we went to Esquires Coffee Shop which is right in the heart of Windsor town so it was really busy but we got a nice seat and we just sat and chilled for abit before we started shopping. I had a flat white and Mother had a iced coffee and to be honest it was nice!!! Much prefer Costa.

We then done TK MAXX, LUSH, H&M, NEXT and DORATHY PERKINS aka sorry bank balance. 90% of the stuff I brought were for Ava & Bella hahah. I love nothing more than buying for my Nieces to be honest. We got a pizza from Marks & Spencers, got a taxi back and then had a chilled evening. It was just a mother and daughter day and night and it was so nice. For the first time ever we didn't have an argument hahah.

Having two chronic illnesses, depression, anxiety and panic attacks means I don't go out much and also constantly feeling crap so this totally cheered me up. It doesn't cost much to cheer yourself up and treating my mother to a pedicure actually cheered me up as she was happy. I will defiantly try and make this a thing once a month.

Love Katie x

Auntie Buys: Ava's Primark Haul

The other day I was in Primark and picked up a few bits for Ava. I didn't see anything nice for Bella and to be honest I am not a huge fan of Primark for baby clothes/sizes. I don't like buying for one and not the other but I wasn't going to just pick up something for the sake of it. Sizes are hard to tell in Primark even for ladies clothes so its abit of a guess and defiantly depends on the item itself. I got either 3/4 years or 4/5 years old... So here is what I got for my beautiful Niece Ava Lily..

Minions Pink Top/4 to 5 years old - £4
I'm not a huge fan of character tops to be honest but I had to pick this up for Ava as she loves Minions lately and they had other minions tops but this one was the best out of them all.

L O V E WHITE T SHIRT/4 to 5 years - £1.20
I saw that their basic logo t shirts where reduce to £1.20 I had a look and stupidly there was only two in Ava's Size. I loved this one though as it can be worn with a pair of skinny jeans and converses and that an easy outfit to put on.

MINT J'ADORE PARIS DOG T SHIRTS/4 to 5 years old - £1.20
This one is my fave! It looks more green on picture but it's a really nice Mint and I love the French vibe going on. If you ask Beth or my Mother, they would agree when I say I am obsessed with French themed items and even gone far as buying Bella a Eiffel Tower Bodysuit few months ago haha.

TWO BEACH THEMED NIGHTDRESSES/3 to 4 years old - £5

I saw these for £5 for both which I thought was a good price to be honest as they can be quite pricey. The white one has sandcastles shells lollipops dogs beach balls all over it which I thought was cute. The other one is a hot pink colour with a girl holding an kite. Ava wears nightdresses well and prefers them to normal pj's. I got her a Cinderella and a Frozen Elsa one recently and she gets so much wear out of them.

 

DOC MCSTUFFINS KNICKERS/3 to 4 years old - £3.50

Ava has gotten into Doc McStuffins lately which has meant every single Doc McStuffins item I see I have to purchased!! Sorry Beth and Tommy hahah!!! I'm sure Ava doesn't need anymore knickers, infact I know she doesn't as I did purchased her loads over the past month hahaha but still Ava will love these.

 

 

So that is what I got for Ava. As I said before, I think Primark have got abit meh with their kids/babies clothing lately but sometimes they have a few good bits. I did get some stuff for myself which I didn't even think of doing an blog haul so maybe next time I shall do a haul for myself?

 

Love Katie xx 

 

Katie's Health Update #9

So my last health update was only a few a weeks ago here but since then I have a few things to update you all on.

COLITIS
Yesterday I had an appointment at the hospital for a check up and instead of the appointment being under the Gastroenterology clinic, it was under the general surgery clinic which I didn't understand why to be honest and nor did the Doctor. Luckily the doctor I saw is someone I have been under for nearly 3 years now so she knew my history and what was going on. She looked at my report from my last colonoscopy and explained where my Colitis is and told me a lot more than I ever have been told. I explained to her how I don't think Asacol are doing much for me anymore and my flare up is so unbearable at the moment. She wrote me out a prescription for Steroids (not sure what they called) and has put me under the Gastroenterology department and for them to see me urgent/in few weeks time. I took my Mother with me and I am glad to be honest as it is always different from a doctor explaining my condition rather than me. So although my flare up is bad at the moment, my fatigue is horrible, still loosing weight and eyes are being affected but I felt like finally the hospital are doing something about it. 

ARTHRITIS
My Gabapentin medication have been upped to 300mg and the side effects from the 200mg was affecting me a lot so now it is higher the side effects are worse. The side effects are worth it to be honest as the medication itself does help with my back pain. I get  days where my back is in bits and then days where it is manageable with painkillers but never a day where I am not in pain. Over the past few weeks the pain has been going back of bum, legs and near my hips which happens every now and then. When the weather gets cold my Arthritis plays up a lot so although I love the cold weather, I am not looking forward to it.
  
ANXIETY/DEPRESSION/PANIC ATTACKS
My depression hasn't been good to be honest, I've had more down days than up days this month. My GP has upped my Sertraline to 200mg and have referred me to an Psychiatrist. My GP explained that because he has upped my dose of Antidepressants and I haven't heard back from Therapy than he feels that me being seen by an Psychiatrist will be more helpful than waiting for an Therapist appointment. I told him how the more pain I get with both of my illnesses that the more depressed I feel and as I can't control any of my illnesses/they wont get cured that I feel like I need to learn how to control my depression ASAP. As for my Anxiety that is always there in the back on my mind in some way or another. Whether if I am not in an anxious place, I will always feel on edge. I wrote a post HERE about fear and Guilt of an Chronic Illness and in this post I explained what fear I have lately and part of that is feeling anxious. As for my Panic Attacks, I haven't really been in any panicky environment to make me panic lately. I went to Essex at the beginning of August and obviously I've mentioned how I used to have a fear of trains ect and that is where my panic attacks started but I have gotten over the fear but I still do panic as I think it would be totally impossible of me to stop panicking while I am on the tube/train. My Brother picked me up on the way there and on the way back I got the tube and train back and luckily the tube was there quick and so was the train so I didn't have any time to panic.

OTHER
I wrote a post HERE about my Eye dramas over the past few weeks so read that if you want to know what happened. I am still on eye drops and to be honest the eye pain has gone but both of my eyes are still so red. The eye Doctor did explain how he was worried as people with Colitis/Ankylosing Spondylitis do get bad eyes so he did say he was going to send me to an specialist so I guess I shall have to wait for that appointment letter to come through. That's pretty much it for my health this month and I have no more appointments left for this month. In September I have Dietician which is to do with my Colitis as I am struggling with what to eat lately and then I have my Monthly GP app middle of the month.

I shall keep you all posted on how I get on with the Steroids for my Colitis which I haven't got yet as the chemist had to order them in. Also touch wood my eyes start to get better.

Love Katie xx  

Eye Problems//Katie Health

On Thursday night, I started getting pain around my left eye and then looked in the mirror and noticed on the lower eyelid it was very swollen and red looking. I have had this lots of time throughout this year but usually goes in a couple of days so I never been to the doctors about it. I thought lets see how it is in the morning to decide if to go to the doctors or not.



Me in the waiting room at the doctors for the second time this week haha

I woken up on Friday morning practically wanting to rip my eye out with the pain and it was swelled up like I have been punch and very red. I rang my GP at 1.30pm to see if I could get an afternoon appointment as my Mother was out till late afternoon so tried to get latest as possible so she could come with me. The only appointment I could get was 4.40pm with an Doctor I never seen before but I took the appointment and booked a Taxi to get there as by this point I was getting blurry vision. I thought because I've had this before and it's almost gone within few days that it will just be an normal eye infection and the GP would prescribe me eye drops but I couldn't be more further from the truth.
 


Waiting again outside in the rain haha

As soon as I mentioned my Ankylosing Spondylitis and Colitis, the GP instantly rang up the Prince Charles Eye Clinic at King Edward Hospital in Windsor. She done all the normal test and sent me back out in the waiting room while she was waiting to get through to the eye clinic. By this point I thought right okay then it must not be an eye infection but I didn't google before I left home so I didn't have anything in mind of what it could be. The GP called me back and I have to say although I never seen this Doctor before, she was obviously young so a newish doctor but she was so good, understanding and professional. She explained why she wants me to go to Eye Casualty tomorrow morning (Saturday), what to do and where to go if my eye gets worse and she wrote out an letter for me to take with me to the Eye Clinic. She didn't really give me an diagnosis but she did say its defiantly inflamed which is why she is worried. I didn't even know the Eye Clinic opened on a Saturday to be honest and I've been to that hospital most of my life haha.

That night the pain stayed the same but the blurred vision did calm down a lot which I was so relieved as that was what I was worried about the most. As I wear glasses anyways, but it bloody scares me not being able to see as I rely on my glasses so the blurred vision was scaring me a lot. I woken up early went to put make up on as normal then realised that eye make up was a no go so it literally took 5 mins to get ready haha. My mother came with me to the Eye Clinic and I think I was the first person in the waiting room but it soon got busy. I was feeling really nausea and lightheaded then I got the urge to be sick so I ran to the toilets and was sick. It was totally my fault as I taken my morning medication at 7.30am without any food so I fully accept it was my stupid own fault but soon as I was sick I felt better.

An Nurse from Eye Casualty called me in for an eye test so I sat down on the chair and it was very open, there was no curtains and although it was only like 3 nurses and 1 doctor near by, it still made me abit anxious. I read out the numbers as directed and the got sent back into the waiting room for the doctor to call me and luckily the Eye Doctor called me within 5 minutes. The Eye Doctor looked very young, fit and that made me even more anxious haha. He examined my left eye and then my right eye, the he put some sort of yellow dye into the eye which bloody was the weirdest feeling ever. He pretty much diagnosed my left eye as Chalazion which is a cyst like nodule inside the upper or lower eyelid caused by blocked oil glands. He wrote out an prescription for a steroid type eye ointment and the he began to get some more dye and I was abit confused as he just told me what was wrong.

The Eye Doctor explained to me because of my Ankylosing Spondylitis and Colitis eye problems are very common and he can see more inflammation in both of the eyes so wants to just put another type of dye in to see more so he put the dye in and said he is going to refer me to an specialist that can have a proper look. He said my right eye looks like it is in the early stages of a Chalazion so to apply the eye ointment in the right eye when it starts to cause pain. He also told me to do hot compresses on both eyes which is basically just get an clean hot flannel and firmly press on the eyes for 5 minutes and for about 3/4 times a day so I have been doing that which does help the pain.




My left eye and obviously another foot selfie in the casualty

I have applied the eye ointment and then few hours later while cleansing by face, I noticed my right eye is extremely swollen, red and very tender so I have applied the ointment in hope it clears that up aswel. If I said I wasn't worried the I would be lying but to me anything to do with my eyes is a big no no. I rely on my glasses, I get up and first thing I do is put my glasses on and they are basically my security blanket so if anything was seriously wrong with my eyes I would be a bloody mess. I always knew what Colitis and Ankylosing Spondylitis can do as I have obviously fully researched a lot but I guess you just never think it will happen.

So now I'm on the steroid ointment for 7 days and will do the hot compresses each day from now on and then await for eye specialised which I have no idea when that would be.

Has anyone else got Ankylosing Spondylitis and Colitis and got eye problems? Let me know :)

Love Katie x

Being Organised For Occasions

I am the first to admit that I am crazily organised and abit OCD. If I am not organised, got peoples birthday gifts in advance or Christmas then it panics me a lot. I am totally opposite to my mother who literally writes out a birthday card the night before or on the same day which that would totally worry me. Most of my family birthdays are over but I have got Bethany birthday in October, Ava and Bella Birthdays are both in December then we have Christmas. I have got a gift bag full of pressies for Beth and then her main pressie is for me and her to go to see a show in London, which she knows about as I wanted to make sure I booked the show she would love to see. Luckily we have the same taste so I am waiting to book that nearer the time as it depends on dates/times as Tommy would have to look after the girls. So its just her birthday card and maybe a little few bits more that I have got to get her but I'm 70% done.

On 6th December it is Ava's 4th Birthday and then on the 19th December it is Bella 1st Birthday so this excites me ALOT. Obviously with Christmas being only a week after Bella birthday so I will probably just split the pressies in half. Depending on where they are living at that time aswel as if they was living just as a family of 4 then I will be able to buy items for their bedrooms ect. I really cannot wait for Bella's first birthday and Ava's 4th birthday of course. I really hope they are living as a 4 of them by that time so they can have a amazing joint birthday party.

Last week I was shopping in Camberley and got two items for Ava in The Entertainer but when I come home I thought that I will put those two items in a big bag for life kinda bag and just start collecting items whenever I am out and see something. Last year I done a Peppa Pig gift themed for Ava's birthday and for Christmas I done Ava an Frozen gift themed which I actually enjoyed doing because I made a DIY Frozen Hamper full of lots of goodies and she loves it. So this year for her Birthday I am doing a Doc McStuffins gift themed and have collected 6 items so far which have been put into a bag and stored in the spare room so whenever I buy something I can just put into the bag. Also for Bella I have got another bag for her and so far have only got one item which is an really lovely book but I need to start getting bits for her. I know I want to get something from Cath Kidston for both of the girls as I done it last year so I want to start making it an tradition and I have already picked out bits I think the girls will love from good old Cath. Luckily Beth is going to tell me things she knows the girls will want and love and is going to tell me so that I know at least I will get them stuff they both love. Me and Beth have similar taste for the girls actually so I know whatever clothes I buy they will wear. I've got my eye on some clothes from H&M, some Doc McStuffins items from Smyths Toys, Cath Kidston and Also TK MAXX do some good items but you have to get it when it there otherwise If you wait and go back days later, there is like 99% chance the item has gone but that is what I like about TK MAXX, its more limited addition in a way that not many are sold if that makes sense. 

For me if I am not organised then it is a massive worry and with all my illnesses, I don't need anymore worry. I have a box that I keep under my bed which I have Christmas supplies like cards, wrapping paper, tags ect and I always buy that in the January sales as I cannot stand shopping anytime in December. Also in my wardrobe I have a storage box which is basically full of tissue paper, gift wrap, spare cards, random gifts, gift bags and it's so handy. I like to have things like that because there will always be a birthday my Mother has forgotten about and needs a card or gift bag asap.

So now my to buy list for this month is a Card for Bethany so I may Funky Pigeon it or shop around for one as I saw some lovely ones in Marks and Spencers the other day. Also cards for the girls, which I will get Funky Pigeon personalised ones but also a Doc McStuffins one for Ava to go with her Doc Mcstuffins gift theme hahah. Is anyone else super organised like me or do you leave it to the last minute?

Love Katie xx

Holding On Or Letting Go

image from pinterest

In May I was happy and by July that all ended. I fell for someone that had zero intention of getting into an relationship and even though I knew that, I let myself fall. Weirdly this has been awful and so hard to "move on/get over". This person I have known since I was 17 years old so I have been friends with him for over 6 years. The moment I met him I fell for him and I had feelings straight away but I was young, stubborn and stupid enough to ignore these feelings. Years went by but the feelings didn't go. Last year I finally grew a pair and told him the truth about how I felt but it was too late, He got into an relationship. I felt stupid and wished I told him years ago. Then end of last year he was single, we met up but it didn't feel right. It felt awkward but weirdly my feelings still didn't stop but we stopped speaking to each other.

Forward to beginning of this year.. We started speaking again just as friends. I knew straight away that I just wanted to be with him, I was fed up with my life in general and didn't want to waste anymore time. He was open and honest about how he felt and what he wanted and maybe I should of walked away till he fully is ready but for a girl who had these feelings for many of years, its not easy. We started meeting up and I felt so good, I felt like it was an escape from normal life and being with him I felt happy which I didn't feel for a long time. Maybe I got too deep quickly or let myself fall hard and acted stupid. To cut a long story short at the beginning of July we stopped speaking/seeing. It was hard, depressing and weird. Someone who I have always had to text for 6 years suddenly wasn't there to talk to. To be honest he didn't handle things well and even though it never turned nasty, I just felt anger. Anger towards him, angry at how he knew how I felt yet totally ignored that, angry for letting myself fall deep for him and generally angry at him for making me sad. I don't know why I was more upset about this more than the way I felt being heartbroken by my first love. I think because now I'm older grown up and just want to settle down and be happy. Me and this guy stopped all contact and I feel nothing but anger towards him. Of course my feelings haven't stopped and I wish I could turn it off like a tap.

The past month or so has been a massive struggle for me. In my health, family and just in general and this hasn't made it any easier. With me being at home constantly, it allows me to overthink so much and it drives me crazy. Beth has been amazing throughout all of this and has made me see a lot of sense which I am grateful for.

I never asked for marriage, for kids, for anything serious quick, I simply asked for honesty and to be happy. I promised him I will always try my best to make him happy as a friend or whatever. Recently we have spoken, just general and suddenly I felt like I was back at square one. I have been trying to put him at the back of my mind and I was doing fine but all of a sudden that changed. I am not saying I want him back ASAP but I would just love to have the chance to try. I hate that now days people just give up so easily and you hardly see couples try and work things out. Life isn't easy and we all have our own battles so we should try and help each other, make things work and fix things that are broken not just throw them away. I would love to be with him I am not going to lie to myself anymore but I am putting myself first. Something that I have never done before with any guy. Maybe we are not meant to be or maybe we are meant to be. Who knows. 

No one can predict the future but sometimes I just wish I knew some parts of the future so I can feel happy. I have to continue in getting myself better, better in a way that I can be sure that I will and can be fine alone. Being in love/relationship/happy is something we are need and wish for. If you don't love yourself then no one will love you, I truly believe that. I have depression badly  that is making a massive impact to my life. I am saying things I wouldn't say, I am doing things I never would, I am feeling and thinking stuff that I wouldn't feel if I wasn't depressed. I want a relationship and kids in the future of course, but right now I am putting myself first which is weirdly a good feeling. If I am better then I can make/say/do better things. I know my chronic illnesses won't ever disappear but I know my depression can. I constantly think is he the one, isn't he the one, was it meant to happen so we can go back, was it meant to happen because we are not meant to be, are we going to have a second chance or is that is. I feel like I have wasted so many years having feelings for someone for it to just mess up in a couple of months.

6/7 years of having feelings for someone is a weird feeling in itself. Especially as most of those years I thought we would never even meet up or see each other again so it was almost like I lost him. Whatever happens between us then I know I am going to be fine... I think. If it is meant to be then it will happen when its meant to but for now I am putting him in my heart as he isn't in my life. Life is weird, men are weird hahahaha!!!!!


Love Katie xx

The Guilt & Fear Of A Chornic Illness

image from pinterest

Lately I have been feeling guilt. Guilt for being Chronically Ill. Guilt for not being able to help/work/do general task. I had a major think and had a massive rant on my personal Facebook about it. I have never said on my personal Facebook about my illnesses so it almost felt good to "get it out". Obviously a few people on my Facebook know but about 95% don't. Although I am not one of those people who treats Facebook like a personal diary/put my whole life on there but I felt like I was trying to cover up/act normal so people wouldn't treat me any different. My own Father doesn't really know everything, we don't have a good relationship but when we do speak I choose to just say "I'm Fine".

Guilt is a horrible emotion because I know I can't control this feeling and can't control my illnesses. I wish I could have a normal 9 to 5 job to be able to treat my family to things and to just have a normal day to day routine, I wish I didn't feel the need to hide the fact I am ill to my family, I wish my family would actually take time on reading up on my illnesses to understand and I wish they wouldn't call me "lazy". I have as much guilt about my illnesses as it is so I don't need added on guilt from my family. One person who has literally never judge, commented, called me lazy and constantly is always on the other end on the phone when I need her is Beth. She has IBS so we kind of have similar symptoms which helps her to understand but even if she didn't have IBS I think she would of still understood and been amazing like she is. When I am in Essex staying with Beth, she always ask how I am, makes me toast, makes sure I have a drink for my morning/night medication and if I need to sit down she doesn't call me lazy like most people do.

I have an major fear that I won't be able to play or pick up my nieces. Of course I am in pain constantly but it's bearable at the moment but I know one day the pain will limit the stuff I am able to do now which scares me. Ava knows I have a bad back and she is very good at knowing not to jump on it ect and she is really caring but I don't want her to think that means I can't be the playful fun auntie. I am a "Hands On" Auntie and I always will be. I will not let my illnesses stop being that kind of Auntie. Being with Ava & Bella makes me happy and that sometimes makes the pain easier to deal with.

The fear of having major surgery on my bowels scares me. I have had many of operations in my life but I know what operations people with Colitis have and it bloody scares me. I'm not good when I wake up from any operation and I have a massive panic attack soon as I am woken up so that alone scares me.

The fear of not being able to do things for myself. I mean normal things such as clean, wash, do my make up, dress myself if that makes sense. We all know what Arthritis in the Spine will do in years to come but there isn't a time period of when that time will come. It could be tomorrow or in another 20 odd years. I am independent as it is so this fear is probably the worse out of the fears I have. Everyday or at least I try to everyday, I make sure I always at least put some make up/look decent enough because that alone helps me ALOT, even if I am in my PJ's but having my make up and hair ok does make me feel good. So if I wasn't able to do that I would feel bloody awful and that scares me a lot. IF there was one person I would have "Helping" me would be Bethany to be honest hahaha.

Obviously I have every day to day little fears such as

- Running out of my medication
- Not being able to see the doctor I want to
- Not getting an GP appointment when I need it
- Having a flare up when I am out
- Getting an allergic reaction to one of my medication
- Vomiting
- Being on the train (to Essex) and my back going
- Worrying about eating foods

Those are just a few of the fears I have daily and because I have anxiety I think I make it seems worse than it is sometimes. Beth does reassure me LOTS and sometimes I do need abit of telling if that makes sense. Like Beth will just say YOU WILL BE FINE and sometimes that helps a lot. 

I never realised that guilt and fear would be part of my day to day life. Sometimes it literally makes me so bad that I find myself saying sorry. Sorry for being ill, sorry for not being able to be normal and sorry to all my family.

If anyone reading this has Colitis or any chronic illness, I'd be so grateful if you would get in contact with me. I haven't got any friends or know anyone with an illness that has a massive impact to their life. I'd love to talk to someone who will totally related. Our Twitter is @essextowindsor Our Instagram is essextowindsor and our email is essextowindsor@outlook.com :)

Love Katie xx