My Mind And Me - Challenging Changes

Challenging Changes

I felt like I had a block of gold in my hand, I treasured those tablets, sitting in the car on the way back home from collecting them I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. Sure I sound mad, sure  I sound stupid but these little white pellets where going to free me of my mind, whatever was going to make me feel like 'me' again was treasure. I spent hours reading the information leaflet, you know the ones you get in the tablet packs, you would have thought I was studying for some sort of exam, ridiculous but I wanted to get clued up, these tablets where my foreseeable future I needed to know what I was letting into my life.

I knew it was important that I took the pills regularly, with anti d's its best to take them same time everyday, to get the best effects apparently, and I did, for the first few days. I was like a child with a new toy. I would sit clock watching every morning until it was time to ingest. Once I had took my tiny little friend I felt ready to get on with my day, but after a week and a bit things started to slide. I would forget. I know it sounds weird but I would completely forget they even existed. Your meant to take them for about a month before you see any changes and of course I had slipped a bit so the changes would never come, if I didn't push myself back into gear and get into the swing of things again. I tried you know I really did, I wanted to help myself.

I think I was taking them for a few weeks when we got the news. We had a place. I was moving. Moving to Berkshire, god knows how many miles away from Essex. I tell you what I had a smile from ear to ear for a week, I say a week because that's how long I had to prepare myself, within a week of finding out we were on our way to Woodley, dad driving a big white van filled with my life possessions and my new life chapter to begin. That was something to make me smile for  abit, this piece of news did a better job at cheering me up than these bloody anti depressants did I can tell you that! You got that right, they made me feel NO better. So what's the point I thought to myself , why am I taking these sodding things when  they make me feel no better! I pushed them into the back of the cupboard, and soon forgot they existed again. I tried to settle into family life.  

It wasn't long before the high turned into a down. Gosh I had so much responsibility, I felt in so deep. The whole management of our home relied on me, with out me no washing could get done, no housework, no dinners ect and I know this sounds stupid to some people but It was the first time I had to do all this and I got so overwhelmed. the washing took a back burner and so did the unpacking, I just  wanted to sit on the sofa and watch TV. So I did. I plonked my bum on the same seat every day watched the same stuff on telly and watched the girls play. I got bad again. I didn't want to leave the house and I felt alone. I had no idea what this area was like it was so daunting. I wasn't used to being on my own with out and adult company, I love my girls and would give anything for them, but I just weren't used to only having children to talk to everyday. Part of me thought I was going to go insane (one a bad day) and the other part would muck around with them so much I looked insane (on a good day). I would look at the clock for Tom to come home. It would excite me a lot, is that even normal?  I remember there being days he would tell me he was going to be late, and again I would get angry but saddened more, I just wanted someone to talk to, to engage with so I looked forward to him coming home, when he was delayed I would be gutted. All this was to do with change, that's why I was being effected. I've never dealt with change well, even little things like the tablets would effect me, and why did something silly like that effect me? Well the change was going to be my who attitude my whole thinking, I know I hated the snappy angry me, but that me felt safe and secure those feeling were familiar and I knew I had my guard up, start changing me I'd become more vulnerable, my guard would slip down. Anyway if that's how something little changing would effect me then this big move was bound to have an impact.


 I would find myself staring blankly out the window trying to accept the place I and found myself living, but I couldn't see clearly, my mind was jumbled and I couldn't make sense of it. I couldn't unscramble my thoughts and feelings. I just didn't know what was  up, but what I did know was an old friend had come too see me. An old friend that once in doesn't leave, not without force. That little friend goes by the name of depression. Old habits reoccurred, me and Tom started arguing and I got massively snappy. For god sake I just wanted to be myself again why had I come crashing back down again. The answer was in the back of my cupboard, and at an appointment with my new GP he explained, they hadn't worked because I needed a higher dose, he promised to keep and eye and I could see him as regular as I want. He gave me a higher dose and booked me an appointment to see him in a month to see how they were working, something my old GP failed to do. I was set, I remember feeling hope again, lets see how these ones do.


Look out for My Mind And Me next week :)

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx


 

Review: Organic Surge Cleansing Lotion

Organic Surge Gentle Cleansing Lotion

Lets be honest there are many beauty things us girls use more than we have hot dinners. With a lot of beauty things on the market we like to try and test as many as we can to see what works best for us, god forbid we leave anything on the market untouched. Getting the better make up is so important as you don't want make up that is going to irritate your skin but what is more important than that? The cleanser you use to take your make up off with.

I have tried a fair few cleansers, some have been on offer, some have be bought for me or given to me so I have got around a bit in the cleanser world. I've tried some pretty up there brands and some own brands and they have all just been a cleanser, none better than the others and nothing worth reviewing or writing about on here either. It was a few weeks ago now Katie was on her usual trip to TK Maxx when as she does she bought a random  buy, god I love her and her random buys. This random buy happened to be a cleanser. She brought this cleanser round to mind for me to try too, I used it with no great hope I tell you that. I was ready to throw it on the scrap heap of pretty standard cleansers.

So here I am with another cleanser in front of me and I thought what have I got to loose. Nothing, I put it on I rubbed everywhere including my eyes!(though advised not too have direct contact with eyes but I have eye make up and lots of it obvs my eyes are shut so its not direct contact.) I got ready for the 20 second sting you usually get, I was waiting and waiting and waiting and I waited some more but nothing, it didn't come. Well at this point I think that's awesome it can go on my eyes no problem, but I thought can it be working, I used to think with that little sting I know its working. So as I'm washing the cleanser off I'm thinking it has probably not done an awful lot. WRONG. I look in the mirror and no make up left. Not only that my skin felt soft and moisturised, it didn't feel  pulled apart , if that even  makes sense. It didn't feel like I had used a product. This cleanser had been kind to my skin. I didn't need a second cleanse but personally I just feel like I have too. Its nothing to do with the product its just my personal preference. Katie left it here by accident too so now I've got to use it everyday and Katie has bought herself  new one. I have never been a fan of the natural stuff before never thought it would work but boy have I just been proved wrong BIG STYLE! I have deffo found the cleanser for me.

I would recommend to anyone to use this cleanser whether your a regular cleanser user or a cleanser virgin. It retails at abut £7.50 on the organic surge website, prices  may vary elsewhere. I would say for deffo its worth the money. That's pretty good for a good cleanser! You get what you pay for, your face is not left like you have just had a chemical peel, its left moisturised and soft. This product does not lie to you it does as it says, its gentle and it is cleansing at the same time. As far as cleansers go this is the best your going to get. TRUST Me. Thank you Katie!


Thanks for reading :)

Until Next Time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Anger Awareness

Anger Awareness

Through the whole obsessive side that I spoke about last week, the anger came through. I guess its linked in someway. Though I didn't realise. What I did realise was that I was getting a very angry person, snapping left right and centre and I didn't know how to stop it. I felt like a puppet on a string being controlled by pure anger, it had control of me rather than me having control of it. Yes it crossed my mind that I had anger issues but something didn't sit right with that, I have seen people with anger problems who needed anger management and mine weren't that, somehow it seemed deeper.

I would be a crazy bitch sometimes, at about 5 holding my phone waiting for a phone call from Tommy telling me he had finished work, if by half past I still hadn't heard I would feel it bubbling from the pit of my stomach coming up through my arms to my hands, to my head. I would text him and have a go, wtf he was only working. But to me that didn't matter. He had finished at 5 the other day so  it should be like that today. No excuses. Though with his job there is no finishing time. I think this comes down to a bit of OCD. I have trouble with change. I like certain things in a certain way, like with Tom working I like him to have his finishing at a certain time and when its changed like any other change it drives my mind nuts and I get irritable and angry.  At this point I was stuck in limbo, the property search was low key and things at my mums were getting stressful its no doubt that it tested mine and Toms relationship. And its no wonder my anger started escalating.

I had mentioned before that I would be very happy when we went out no matter where it was, but now that was all changing, though I was still happy I was getting more snappy on our outings wheras before I wouldn't. The angry side of me wouldn't be afraid or embarrassed to make an appearance in public, and I would have a go at poor Tom in the middle of a shop, believe me I wanted to slap myself. They say you take it out on who you love the most but come on it was getting ridiculous now. Before I was convinced I weren't the problem, that it was everyone else but now I was starting to see that it weren't them.. it was me. That was tough to swallow but I think it was a real turning point for me. I knew I needed advice, embarrassed to go to anyone else I went to my sister she had suffered depression ect so I knew if anyone knew how to help it was her. There was Katie yes but I didn't want her thinking I was weak, not that I think depression is a weakness infact its pretty much the opposite, but at the time all I thought was I'm the one that gives advice that's there for her not the other way round, Katie needed support and I was afraid that if she thought I was going through stuff of my own then she wouldn't come to me for help when she needed me. So here I was in front of my sister telling her how horribly worked up an angry I felt all the time, and that I didn't know what it was or how to control it, it was bringing me down. She was sympathetic and gave me the advise I needed. She told me it was a symptom of depression, which I had no clue of. She advised me to see a doctor. I still didn't do this for a good two weeks after.

After 2 weeks of trying to convince myself..and others that I was fine I sat in the doctors room Tommy sitting outside with the girls. I can't tell you how many times I thought about running away. I cant tell you how many times I thought I didn't belong there and I cant tell you how many times I told myself I needed to be there. I was frozen, like I had superglue on my butt I couldn't move off that chair even if I wanted too. I was stuttering when I told him why I was there, I was worried he was going to laugh at me and tell me to piss off. But he didn't. He was kind, so understanding. He prescribed me medication, a low dose but I felt as though I was finally going to start calming down.

I want to highlight, that anger is just as much a part of depression as crying and feeling sad is though its not really highlighted. I want you to know that if you feel like you are constantly angry or annoyed don't be afraid to ask someone if it could be due to depression. So many people aren't aware but I hope buy reading this post it helps.

Look out for My Mind And Me next week

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Mischevious Moos - 2

So here we are a week after my first mischievous moos post and its time I write another and inform you all of the antics my little monkeys have got up to this week.

Bella is still creating mayhem with her climbing! She has now learnt how to climb over the back of the sofa, now if you see how tiny she is for 18 months , she's in 9-12 and no where near growing out of them I mean at a push she still can get into 6-9, you would see how difficult it must be for and how much upper body strength she must need! she is like a baby Spiderman. That's not all the climbing she's been doing! She has somehow managed to climb into NOT out of her cot. I was on the sofa when she toddled off, I called her and she didn't come (she usually does) when I went to look I found her sitting in her cot! I got he r out and she showed me how she had done it! She has a bouncy zebra she climbs on and then flips over into her cot. I'm so worried she's going to break her neck! You would think the climbing antics would end there, oh no! Bella likes putting her hand under running water when I am brushing my teeth, this morning she used Ava's chair to climb up, she climbed on the chair then on the back rest of the chair and jumped onto the sink she was  hanging on to the sink and towel rail! I nearly had a heart attack, lucky I was there. She has no fear though, she is a mini Spiderman or Spiderwoman should I say.

Then there is Ava she's growing up by the day! I swear she is 4 going on 14. She now does all our cereal in the morning, she gets the boxes out undoes them undoes the  packet, pours it in and the milk ect , puts it all back without spilling a drop! Matilda springs to mind she will be making pancakes next haha! The clever little moo now also knows how to work the PlayStation, she watches all her programmes on it! all I need to do is turn it off and on. You know what is awkward, when you go to get the wipes and there is none there. you search top to bottom then where do you find it? In Ava's toy buggy! kids eh haha.

 

 

That's all for this week guys! But I am sure there will be plenty to tell you of next week! Hope you enjoyed!!

 

Until Next Time

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

 

Random Rant

 

My List Of Things That P Me Off

There  are many things that p me off! I thought I may write a blog post  about it let you all know, some of these things may p you off too!

One Rule

I hate it when people have one rule for themselves and another for you! Its okay for you to do something but when it comes to them its another story!! Like get off your high fucking horse and come down to earth, you are no better than me your on the same level, now act like it!

There way or no way

I HATE when people think the world revolves around them and if things don't go their way they kick off! I hate having to work my life around every other buggar, people who don't care about you and just want it their way! Well news for you I'm  human being too! I have feelings I have a life! Mine is as important as yours!

Tablets

Have you took your tablets? Yes I bloody have! Just because I have depression it doesn't mean every time I get the ump  and kick off and rant that I haven't took my sodding pills, not everything is depression related! believe it or not I do get p'd off for genuine reasons, I am not insane! I'm a human being with emotions!

Judgemental Strangers

Yeah my baby is crying? So what? Have you never seen a baby cry before  or are you that  uneducated that you don't know that babies cry sometimes? Bloody staring at me like I'm the boogie monster scaring my child. If you go as far as tutting or saying something be prepared for me to turn into the hulk you judgemental arsholes, you will get your head bitten off. My children are loved cared for and happy, just because they cry because they couldn't have a packet of skittles or because they are over tired, does not mean I am a terrible parent! So do me a favour next time, offer a hand, a nice comment or if not sod off and carry on walking!

Weight Jokes

Think your funny? Joking about my weight. Yeah its funny to you but to me it hits me where it hurts. Weight is NOT something you make jokes about to girls, its a sensitive subject. Word of advice stick to banter you know, don't branch out and make a massive change like Roy Hodgson did last night in our final group game of Euro 2016, because it wont work!

Copying

You have your life? Yes. I have my life? Yes. Do you want my life? Obviously. It winds me up something rotten  when someone copies me! Like wtf are you not happy with yourself if that's the case go see a councillor or something don't mimic me. And btw if you do make it so bloody obvious! at least be discreet.

Loan Adverts

I know this one sounds pathetic, but it really gets to me. Everyone wonders why so many people are in debt, well I'm not being funny but whose not going to take it when  its waved under your nose when corrie goes for a break or when your scrolling down Facebook. Like come on people help the nation out, make it discreet pull your advertising back and make sure not as many people fall into the debt trap. Your causing more problems thank you think1 Not just financially but mentally too, debt leads too depression, a hole that very hard to get out of. Have a heart and advertise discreetly else where.

SALE

So when out or online we always look for the red SALE sign, I guess like me you cant hold in your excitement thinking your going to find some proper bargains! Its when you get there and there is like £2 off. Really? are you fucking with me? How on earth do they have the cheek to put a SALE sign up. It p's me off mainly because of the deflation I feel afterwards.

So there you have it 8 things that p me off, trust me there is a lot more but the list would be too long! lets stop it while its short. I do apologise for the swearing I am on a rant and venting a bit. I also think its good if its the real me on here you are reading.

Until  Next Time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Katies Come back ....Sort of

Oh god!! I have no idea where to even start!! I haven't written a blog post since late last year due to health problems and I have totally lost the blogging vibe.

I used to love sitting down either on the sofa or in bed writing about my health and lifestyle which also helped with my Depression and Anxiety because just to write and express what is on your mind feels so bloody good. So when I had to stop blogging it wasn't a nice feeling. I didn't bother on our Instagram or twitter, I just abandoned the blog and the whole social media side of things. At the time Beth was moving down nearer to me so I was just happy at the fact that I am able to see my Nieces whenever. Then there is the illnesses!! 

As you all know I have Ankylosing Spondylitis and Ulcerative Colitis which I have done many, many posts about and looking back I was somehow "managing" with my symptoms and side effects from medication. With the help of mediation and LOTS OF PAINRELIEF and hot water bottles, I could sit down and happily open the laptop but now things are abit different to say the least.

Since late last year, I have NOT been "managing" and life has became very different. If I could only use one word to describe it would be "Exhaustion". Exhaustion from every little task I do, Exhaustion from stupid simple things such as shower, wash my hair and even washing my face and also from taking the stupid amount of medication I have to take and just Exhaustion of being awake. End of last year I started getting pain in my thighs then my hips then my hands and now my knees. My mobility is poor and there are times where getting out of bed is impossible. Well I say "times" but I mean mostly every day. I struggle to sleep, I get numbness and tingling in most joints, my thighs feel swollen and throb with pain and now my knees which is the newest of symptoms. I wake up and from head to toe I am stiff. Having to rely on Morphine based patches to basically live is so depressing and yet I STILL get pathetic comments from certain people. I have had physio which made zero difference I mean  does it ever work? Especially with such conditions as I have, its going to take more than a few leg stretches to cure. So now I await to hear from various of specialist. The main condition this is all being linked to which I am being tested for is Fibromyalgia. Of course I have done lots of googling (who doesn't) and have read up on this condition among other conditions. From reading I have learnt that is it hard to actually be diagnosed with Fibromyalgia and have had few people tell me they was being tested for a year just to get the diagnoses so that bit scares me. I don't want it being dragged out that long, I just want to get sorted and start feeling better, I'm so exhausted from medical tests and hospitals.  

There is so much I want to write about but I can't get most out. That is down to Brain Fog, I will at some point do a post about this as it is totally life changing. My mind is mushed! and also down to the silly side effects of my medication. I will get Beth to proof read this because I struggle to make sense sometimes. I have given Bethany my laptop as it was no use to me anymore so at least she is getting use out of it but I plan to write posts on my iPhone on the blogger app or on my notes and then sending them to Beth as she is a lot more clever than me and will pick out all the spelling mistakes and the sentences that don't make any sense haha. Bethany sort of runs the blog by herself for the moment and also she runs the twitter, I run the Instagram for the blog as it still gives me a little input into the blog without it effecting my health. I have set up an new Twitter for myself so follow it if you want to hear me moaning about life or hospitals haha my twitter is @KatieAmyPricex but you can still reach me on the blog Twitter @Essextowindsor were I pop up from time to time, and Beth lets me know when there are messages for me.

I have enjoyed writing this actually but my legs are in pain, my patch is due for a change 30 mins ago haha. I am currently at Bethany's while she is at Sally's hair supplies getting some new scissors so one is on the laptop on the sofa while Bella has her nap and Ava is watching YouTube on the TV haha. I might try and get another post written if my body lets me. Thank you for anyone who has read this... and got to the end of this post and apologises if I don't makes sense!! Hope to see you all soon :)


Love Katie :)

My Fiance A Wonderful Daddy

My Fiancé a wonderful Dad

 

 

 

 

Dear Tommy,

Who would have imagined when you first sent me your number that would be here today, a lovely little family with two children. To be honest from the first time we spoke I knew we were going to spend our lives together, I just didn't expect to have your baby as soon as I did. Do you remember finding out in Tesco toilets? Classy eh. The shock was massive but you were so happy! you couldn't Stop smiling! I was so happy that I was  going to be doing it properly this time! It was so good to have you to go to all the scans and appointments, I just don't think you knew what the wait was going to be like. We all know how impatient you are mr. And that didn't change with pregnancy, I got you a gender scan because I knew you couldn't wait to find out the sex and you were delighted when you found out she was a little girl. We got proper stuck in to preparation and buying things for our little girl. It was so much fun. I love how protective you got over me towards the end. Such a protective daddy already. Do you remember all the false times I thought labour was coming! They were so often  that when I was in actual labour we didn't believe it and it was  such a race to get me to hospital that you nearly crashed into the hospital barriers haha. Thank you for being by my side through the birth babe, it was so lovely to have a dad there this time and there was nothing more lovely than  a dad meeting his daughter for the first time, oh thanks for the labour selfie babe!


                                                 


You have thrown yourself into parenting so well! Your a natural though your a fantastic daddy to Ava so I knew you would be okay. You are such a fantastic daddy to them, doing the nappy changes, feeds ect. The way you make them laugh is magical. You have such a special way with your girls. I love the fact we are a unit in parenting it gives such a healthy balance. Hearing the word daddy from both of their mouths warms my heart to this day. You love doing family things don't you. When we go to the park I like to sit back and watch you spend time with the girls, they are so happy, you make them so happy. You don't get to spend loads of time with them during the week so I know you cherish the weekends with them, your laugh when your mucking around with them is priceless. Your the best daddy I could ever ask for, for our girls.

Lastly  I would like to say thank you for taking on Ava the way you have, You are all she knows as a dad. You are her dad and there's nothing else too it. You didn't have to do  it but you did, and that makes you such an incredible man. A man your mother should be proud of and I know that she is. You should also be proud of yourself babe, the dad you have turned into is amazing and I cant wait to have more of your babies.

Happy Fathers Day Tom

Love from Me Ava And Bella

Love you always baby  xxx