Feeling Lost And Lonely

Is is okay to feel lost and lonely even though I'm lucky to have good people around me? I guess it is the Depression making me feel like this but I feel guilty for feeling it. I feel very lost, empty, sad, lonely and very down lately. I live with my Mother so I have always got her to talk to and she does make me laugh whenever I am down but there are times where I really need Bethany around. Beth just "gets me" if that makes sense, we both been through similar/same experiences and I can trust her with my whole life. But she isn't just down the road and I can only afford to go to Essex once a month. When I am in Essex, I am literally constantly happy. My Nieces, Brother and Beth are my world so being with them I never feel down or sad. 

Even though its been months and months since Beth moved back to Essex I think it has only just set in. Yes we text constantly, Snapchat and Facetime but that doesn't compare to actually being with someone in their company. Having two Chronic Illnesses is a very lonely life and 90% of my days out include doctor, hospital and chemist. The 10% I do go out is always spoiled by my Colitis playing up or Back hurting. I forgot how it felt to just not have to think before planning or going out. I used to just get up ready dressed out but now before I go out I have to make sure I have applied gel to my back, packed all my medication for the day in my bag, make sure I have a bottle of water for the meds ect. Now I have to get taxis everywhere as My Mother cannot drive anymore due to a hand injury but we would usually walk to doctors/chemist/hospital and sometimes we do but 99% of the time I have to get a taxi because if I am having a flare up with my Colitis I need to be at the doctors asap to be near a toilet, My Back is fine for a bit while walking but after a while it will hurt so much and then the side effects from my meds make me very dosey sleepy sick so I cannot be walking for a long time. I don't really have a social life lately which is why when I go to Essex I feel bloody happy because it is like an escape from reality. Well not completely because I still have pain and medication but it is a good break to be away from home and just enjoy myself and be surrounded with family who understand my illnesses. 

Luckily I have two dogs who are with me all the time so I am glad because I don't know what I would do without them. Few weekends back I was home alone for 4 days and at first I was okay but then I soon realized how much I need and appreciate my Mother. I was hoovering the stairs and my back give way and I fell and couldn't move for 40 minutes. I cried because at 23 years old this is not how I ever imagined my life to be like. A friend came over in the Evening which made me completely shut off and be happy but I want to be able to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to rely on others for my happiness. I truly believe in the saying that you have to be able to be happy single to be able to be happy in a relationship. I am on Anti Depressants and have declined Talking Therapy as I didn't have a good experience with it few years ago but I think I need to stop being so stubborn and just try Talking Therapy again and just see if that helps. 

Does anyone have any tips that would help? Feeling lost and lonely is something I don't want to feel. It makes me say the wrong things to people and I take it out via ranting over texts. Luckily Beth understands and does tell me straight which helps alot. 

Love Katie x 

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