A Moan From A mum

As a parent you go through so many emotions and so many selfies for that matter. Now come on lets be honest these selfies portray such a shit image of life as a parent. Yeah they are all happy and sweet and cute, but come on realistic? No. Don't get me wrong it is like that..some days okay they are more often than not, but come on I cant be the only one who has such rubbish days that by the end of it I want to stick my head in a blender, now do people selfie them days? No.

This morning looked so promising, I woke up surprisingly un tired, which for me is a rarity. I'm usually walking around half asleep like a zombie at 9 o clock seriously, if you visited at that time you would feel like your on the set of the walking dead. But anyway lets get back to this morning and like I said I was feeling pretty good, I had to check the date because I thought I had been asleep for a whole three months. I felt that damn good. For a woman whom mother nature is calling I was pleasantly surprised, once the shock had worn off I started to get on with my day.

I like to have a look around the house before I start the day, lets be honest I knew the day was gonna be utter rubbish when I saw the flat was an absolute bomb site! I just closed my eyes took a breath and took myself slowly into see the girls. To be real I saw their sweet little smiles and they melted my stress. With that breakfast was next on the agenda as always. I set about making different breakfast for all of us. Ahh. I bit my lip swallowed the stress and got on with it, the girls needed food. It weren't their fault that they fancied different. But like come on it took me that long that when I sat down to eat my blooming toast it was stone cold and floppy! Come on. Really. Meanwhile I was still staring at the pig sty that sort of looked like my home. I had to tidy. Of course I had to I am Mum, cleaner, cook, launderette, ironing lady ... well the list is endless. But I am on my shitty period for crying out loud! I just want to curl up with a big bar of galaxy. (I have finished sulking). One puts herself in cleaning mode and now I'm thinking great I can recruit a little assistant, Ava. Like come on they are toys spread all over the living room floor, surely she will be all up for helping her mummy. I don't know if any of you have experienced I child that is dead against the idea of tidying up but if you haven't its like Godzilla has been unleashed. I had now started a battle which I was now aware was going to last hours. On my side of the tidying up, well that was almost non existent, I had  my little Bella perched on my hip, her bum seemed to be super glued there too. To be honest that I didn't mind. Made me feel wanted and with Bella at the age where she was always on the go I was grabbing cuddles where I could. But you know things had to be done, so along came one handed super mum. By this time I was well into a screaming match with my teenage wannabe 4 year old. No the tidying hadn't been done. But yes we had, had more arguments in half an hour than big  brother had, had in a series. Not to mention time is getting on and Bella is getting ratty! On the brighter side the living room was now gleaming. No Ava did mot cave, I did. Ava 1 - 0 Mummy. My clothes  are now finally on. The girls have been playing nicely. WOO. Nah ah. The bedrooms were well they weren't bedrooms they were toy pits. Ava time to tidy! This was not going to go down well. So now I am trying to do my make up one handed Bella in one arm make up in the other, I have one flip flop  on because the other one had seemed to have grown a pair of legs and my little teenager is gearing up for round 2. VICTORY. My make up is on, yeah its patchy as fuck but its made the face and at this point I really don't care plus I am still trying to get my 4 year old to tidy not good. This leads on to my next disaster, I thought lets guide Ava too her room, surely with it staring her in the face she will want to tidy it but apparently kids can stand mess more than us adults. Did I make it as far as the bedroom. No. What I did do was trip into a wall and stub my toe. OHHHHHH THE PAIN. I needed to go to A&E. It was broken. Okay, okay no it wasn't but it bloody felt like it. A stubbed toe is NOT for the faint hearted. Though my injury had its upside, its seems my hurting stops arguments and makes Ava tidy. Who would have thought it. Note to self, in future when needed to avoid toddler arguments and needing the to tidy their mess just injure myself, don't care how. As long as I'm in freaking pain. Ava 1 - 1 Mummy.  

Do you know what she did after she had tidied and my throbbing toe and shrunk back to normal size and after I had prayed to god to ease my day. She smiled. Simply smiled. No Ava don't do that. That's the bloody worst. It makes my heart melt. It makes me forget, the courage I had built up to confiscate toys, treats ect as punishment. It reminds me that no matter how testing a morning I have had as mummy. I am lucky. I would rather be pulling my hair out over my children than pulling my Hair out because I don't have them.

I love you both my little sunshines.

Thanks for listening to my little moan!!

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Stuck In a Rut

Stuck In A Rut

I suppose you can say my mind was like a round about going round and round 24/7 and never being able to stop. It was all these different emotions taking a ride on that round about. They were all taking a ride at once, leaving me confused. How was I meant to know how to feel when  all these feelings and emotions all wanted to ride at once. The best I could do was stick a big 'out of order' sign on my mental round about, being emotionless was better than being confused...surely?

The problem is I struggle, I struggle big time with keeping a lid on my emotions, so every now and then I would let a little out, and it would come out big time, I guess they don't like being kept to the back of my mind that much. I would erupt, that of course caused strain and a lot of it. Endless arguments, endless crying and the low times became more frequent,. Now I can see that they were  down times but at the time, I was just simply upset. I do often think how Tom must have felt at that time, I mean I wasn't easy to live with, though I couldn't see that then. He must have felt so helpless, so confused as to why I had changed, why my moods have changed. At the time I expected him to understand, I couldn't fathom why he couldn't understand, but I didn't understand so how could he? Its all well and good when you look back on it eh. I can see it all clearly now, but back then it was all so cloudy.

Day after day sitting in my mothers home abiding by her rules, and rightly so it was her house, but I shouldn't have been there I was engaged with two children I should have had my own roof. God that got me down. With every rule I would get more and more aggravated more irritated, then arguments would start and I would text Tom interrupting him at work to have a good moan. Oh and then there would be the daily look on right move that would be fuelled by the daily argument. That was meant to pick me up, but it got me more down as I looked at the distant dream of moving into my own place. I would actually look at pictures of each property and picture myself living in them, and for a brief moment I was lifted out of the lowness and I was happy. The come down was massive as I realised the reality...I was still unable to provide my own home for my two children.  

I wanted someone to ask me how I was feeling because surely it was obvious that I weren't quite right. Someone getting that angry that annoyed easy was somewhat out of the ordinary. But no one did, I don't know if it was because they were unsure or didn't know how to approach me. That actually crossed my mind, but after these round about days I just wanted a cuddle. The empathy I may have had that people maybe didn't know how to approach me had gone, and I raged up as usual. I used to get so annoyed that no one was offering to cuddle me I would go off again, push people away. Push Tom away. He would offer his arm of comfort, when I was already upset over not having comfort, but in my head then it was too late. I find myself now telling myself, 'how was he supposed to know? you never said, he's not a mind reader, shut up and stop being a complete bitch'. But I know I couldn't help it, in my head back then I just felt rejected. I weren't, but I felt it How was that possible? It jut was on them down days.

This was becoming a daily occurrence. As you can imagine it was very draining. I was in a mental confusion. You would think I would have realised something wasn't quite right, but no. DENIAL was still  settled within me. Looking back I'm in shock that I thought nothing was wrong.

My mind and me continues next week


Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Everchanging Body

Our lovely readers,

 

Like many of these teenagers flaunting their bodies, I was the same. Nothing would stop me going out in belly tops, tight fitted out fits, short skirts and dresses. Safe to say I was body confident. It felt good. I loved my body for that. For giving me confidence. I would get attention from guys, that was a good and bad thing, I had envious girls throwing me daggers, that didn't bother me. I felt like I was Britney or Madonna. It helped going to college, with my confidence being on a high, I was able to make friends and enjoy it. You see before I started feeling confident in myself I would be very shy, making friends was then difficult, but college wasn't going to be like that, I was confident, I spoke to every one.

 

 

 

 

 

Pregnancy

Seven to eight months after  I started college I found out I was pregnant. Shock. It was unexpected but I was happy. I never really had time to think about what pregnancy would do to my body as I new I was going to be a single mum so I was mentally preparing for that. This resulted in me taking any body changes in my stride. With every stretch mark that appeared I thought 'its for my baby', so they didn't really bother me. Sure sometimes I did think oh god! but that was to be expected as I was young and never had a mark on my body before but all in all for the majority of the time they never bothered me. How could I forget the case of my expanding stomach. That fascinated me more that bothered me, I mean how on earth was it possible for my stomach to stretch that much! My confidence stuck while I was pregnant. I though I Looked pretty damn good!

 

 

 

After I had Ava I was on cloud nine like every new mum so as you may know I wasn't really thinking about my body. It wasn't until it all settled down that I noticed that my body had really changed. It was so much different. I Had gone up a dress size, I had a 'pouch' as they say. I would look in the mirror and wouldn't recognise myself. I felt like a stranger to myself when I would put on clothes and they wouldn't fit. I remember going shopping with my parents and trying stuff on, when things wouldn't fit I would feel myself getting really down and embarrassed. I wanted a black hole to open in the changing room and swallow me up. This is when it started becoming hard mentally, the mental image of myself just fell apart, I just thought of myself as fat and ugly, being single I thought that no one would want me. My confidence went down again and I thought everyone was staring at me. I had to re start college too! ohhhhhhh no. How was I going to cope I felt the size of an elephant and shy as a mouse, but you know what I was a mum now to a beautiful  baby  girl. Sod the way I looked. That doesn't matter. Being there for my girl mattered and she needed me to do this course for her future. Safe to say that motherhood gave me the confidence to get through my second college course.

 Shortly after starting college I started too loose weight, I never got back to how I was before but it was enough to feel confident and comfortable again, and when I met Tom  I started to feel 100x better. He was so complementary, wouldn't stop telling me how beautiful I was.

 

Pregnancy..round 2

My body starting changing pretty early on when I was pregnant with Bella, weight wise anyway. My bump started growing quick much bigger than with Ava. You would think it would be easier because I knew how my body could change but for some reasons it didn't. Many times in this pregnancy I felt massive, like a whale. I was  paranoid that Tommy would end up getting disgusted and leave me. My legs also expanded in this pregnancy which was an unpleasant surprise. That added to my fear and paranoia. Towards the end though I was so tired and fed up I didn't take no notice, I just concentrated on getting Bella out.

 

 

This Is when my body really started to get to me. I am now bigger than I ever have been, I have curves that have popped out of know where, hips that have grown beyond expectation, legs that are fatter than a tree trunk (maybe now that big but it feels like it), boobs that are humungous and a stomach that...well we wont even go there. The last year as been hard as far as body  confidence goes. I just feel disgusting, but dieting is hard. I don't think I would be as bad if I weren't looking at all these fitness things all the time. I feel like that's how I should look, and how I look right now is wrong. But I know that's messed up, society is messed up. Making people believe they should be a size toned 6 is wrong. What exactly is wrong with being a size 14 and healthy? I am lucky to have Tom he is constantly telling me how I'm beautiful and how my body is perfect. They other day I sat and thought there are only two people my body has to please, myself and Tommy. If Tommy loves my body then why cant I?? So I have now started too feel confident naked. I stroll to the bathroom now rather than doing a running jump like I'm in the Olympics. I'm starting to accept my body now, I've accepted
that it changes and with each pregnancy my body turnout is going to be different, but if a I have my family and my Tommy that's all that matters.

My parting message In this post I guess is, sod what everyone else looks  like, sod what everyone else thinks. The only opinion that matters is your own. Body confidence doesn't come from what you look like or what your weight is. Body confidence comes from within and how your thought process is about your body and always have someone there to give you a boost when your body confidence is a bit low.


Thanks for reading:)

Until  next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

 

Body Shop Hemp Cream - Product Review

 

Body Shop Hemp Cream

 

Skin conditions have been in my family for generations mainly psoriasis. It was pretty definite that I was going to get problems too. I started getting itchy patches that would come and go I didn't think anything of them and they would soon go down within a few days. I then got another patch on my finger. It was aggressively itchy, would bleed and swelled up, this would stay there for weeks  and looked vile. It came and went a couple times and hop between  fingers, when I say hop between fingers it would be the same finger on each hand. It looked disgusting. I had  to go to the doctors. They said it could be water under my ring (which sounded plausible but it came up in the other hand too and I have no ring on that one) and they told me to us E45 cream. I was relived thinking this was the end of it but after removing my ring it still came up and the E45 was useless.
 One night, with my finger still utterly gross and itchy, my sister was having a body shop party so I went along. The woman was good and I loved hearing about all the products and watching the make up tutorial. But my bloody finger was so itchy it was constantly irritating me, EMBARASSING, the woman noticed. But she kindly showed me this hemp cream that body shop do, she told me it would help and I should try some, I thought yeah right will it work, but I gave it a go what did I have to loose? on it went. Just like that a few minuets later the itching stopped, and the redness started settling down. AMAZING. My sister noticed and bought me a tube, and I have used it ever since, now when ever the itching starts I pop a bit of the cream on, it stops the itching and stops from my finger flaring up again.

I would totally recommend this product to anyone that suffers with a similar issue or even if you don't its handy to have just in case. they do two sizes I believe. The 100ml (bigger one) that I have is around £10 and just to remind you that's from body shop. I know it sounds a lot but believe me when I say you get what you pay for with this product. This cream lasts a very long time and you get the quality. I would pay the price over and over again because this product is totally worth it.

I Would just like to add they may have changed their packaging since I got mine.


Thanks for reading,

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

The Weekend - A Special Time

Our Lovely readers

I'm not going to lie I do like the weekend, I do look forward too it. Don't get me wrong I love the weeks with my girls but, there is just something about the weekend when Toms home and we are all together.

I suppose some of  it is relief, it gets tiring during the week, running around after two littlens all day, that's to be expected. I know when Toms home I can share the load....sometimes. There is nothing more aggravating than when I ask  him to do something like change a nappy or make a bottle and he says 'cant you do it'.... I'm sorry what?? I have been doing this all week, I have changed more pooey nappies than I have had hot dinners, I could of bathed in the amount sick that has been produced, I've nearly broke my ankle about 50 times on about 50 different types of toys, I've made so much food I could have fed the army and about 6 world wars have broke out between me and a 4 year old..(this is all in one week) and you want me to change yet another dirty nappy and make another bottle. By this time I have practically turned green like the hulk. So I tell him no I can't 'do it' this is your time daddy boy, your time to be mummy. I would like to tell you this works. But it don't. With all my annoyance I end up caving.. I really need to work on that haha. But no he is really good, he only says that about once a weekend. Other than that I am really lucky and on the weekends I do get a rest. He cooks, amuses the children and does a few nappies and bottles. This weekend I have been really fortunate in him cleaning too!

I also overly enjoy the weekends for family time...this is the main reason for my excitement. We love to do things as a family on the weekends, nothing expensive just quality time. This would be anything from activities at home, to going to the park, to play centres, to picnics or even going to see grandparents. I think family time is very important it keeps you connected and as a unit. I enjoy seeing the girls spend time with daddy, the smile on their faces melts my heart and to be honest nothing will beat that feeling.

To some the weekend is just the weekend. But to me, to us its so much more. Its memories, its my girls childhood, its the only two days a week both parents  are together with them. Its the only two nights, me and Tom can stay up a bit later and spend some quality time together.

All in all my personal definition  of the weekend is - The time of the week for relaxation, family madness, and happy days with a special sprinkling of bonding and memory creating.

I know some of you may find this post boring or irrelevant, but I felt I needed to share what the weekend means to me, so often we go 'thank god its the weekend' but why? Why do we think that? what does the weekend mean to you?


LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Little Ballerina

Our Lovely Readers,

As you all know we have recently moved from Essex to Berkshire, so enough of a distance. I have recently posted the effects the move has had on me and I how I have dealt with it, But I haven't gone into  detail on the effects it had on my girls. Bella being so young she hasn't noticed at all. She wouldn't have noticed if we were living on earth or outta space as long as she was fed washed and loved. That we have always done, so explains how the move went over her head. Ava though was that much older and knowing so she noticed.

Ava was very happy about the move in general and on the out side. She would constantly tell us how she loved her new home and run around like a nutter. Prior to the move Ava had been settled in a nursery and loving it, she had friends and her 'work' was coming along great, she became a right little social butterfly. It practically ripped my heart out having to pull her out of that nursery. I thought she was going to take it worse than she did, but actually she was alright. It was a shock how she took It but made me so proud. Since she has always commented about her friends and it tugs at my heart strings whenever she does, making the decision to not put her into a nursery here prob made it more. You see there is not long till she goes to school  and being in some sort of child care since the age of 9 months I wanted some time with her before she grew up even more and went to school. Selfish? Probably but I had her interests at heart too, I didn't want to get her settled all over again just so she  could leave and start school, it was too a much all at once, I felt. I had my health visitor practically pressuring me to get her into nursery which made me question my decision, it took courage I believe to follow my instincts and say no its my decision. However Ava kept saying about her friends and I couldn't  stop the guilt eat away at me and I did question my choices, but as she never said anything in a sad way it made it easier. At the same time Ava's behaviour became worse it led me to wonder why, was it the move? the lack of socialising with other children? I don't know. I was still adamant of my decision and that was not going to change, once my mind is made up its  made up. Its a pain in the bum sometimes haha. Ava has inherited that off of me too. So any way I started to look at other ways I could get her into socialising with other children.

Of course there were a lot of groups ran round here, but that's not what I was looking for. I wanted some form of consistency. Its what Ava needed. I wanted her to see the same groups of people every week, make friends and rebuild her confidence in them social situations (she had started going shy again). This is when I felt like I had been given a gift from god. A new dance studio had opened literally next to me. I thought I would look into the prices ect. To my delight the prices were so good I couldn't believe it, and they did dancing for Avas age! she chose ballet which I knew she would. Seeing the delight on her face when I told her she could go was priceless, I will never forget it. She was so excited when  she first went as she is every week. A whole burst of energy comes out of her on ballet days. She's improving every week too! Not just on the dancing but on the socialising half too. She is making friends. The first lesson she wouldn't talk to anyone, it did make me worry, but now she will involve her self. I am so proud of her. Ballet was a saviour. Its helped maintain the progress we made with nursery. More surprisingly its turned out the ballet is something she really wants to do, she is always practicing her feet ect. Right now I am happy with the decision I have made. I get to spend time with her before school and she still has interaction with other children. I am one extremely happy and proud mummy right now.  

The dance studio Ava goes to is Vibez in Woodley Reading their prices are cheap but lessons are good and lovely people, I any of you live near I recommend if interested.

Thanks for reading :)

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - the beginning of my story

The Beginning of my story

 

I suppose at first I was in denial. To be honest it didn't feel like denial, more like the unknown with an inkling I didn't want to admit. Strange that probably don't make any sense, but to me it makes perfect sense. It felt like normal behaviour at first. I was only responding to others actions. I couldn't help my reactions, if people didn't  like the way I reacted then they shouldn't have acted the way the did towards me. who can blame a girl for sticking up for herself? That little voice in my head was very convincing, and I liked that voice, it was the only one who made sense to me, It was the only one who was on 'my side'. No one else was, don't be silly I knew, I knew that everyone else was against me. Well that's the story I created in my head anyway. I would say I was in denial about that. I lost count on how many times people would say to me I just 'think' people are against me. But as usual I would hit out and say no I know they are. That was just what they said to make me think they weren't. I was doomed to fight all my battles alone, it was me against everyone else, no one there to back me up to fight my corner. Just me. Though I didn't understand it. Why did no one back me up? Why were they all against me? What have I done so wrong? But what I did know was I was right. I was sure of it.

My mind was awful, playing tricks on me I believed. You know I would wake up one day and my mind wasn't one I had known. It was alien to me. That one voice I had always relied on was telling me different. It was telling me I was wrong. What on earth? now my own mind was turning on me? But this voice was also the only one that could convince me. I would actually be happier them days. I would feel calm and normal again. Thank goodness no one was picking arguments with me. They had taken a day off. I believed this. I had convinced myself of it. It weren't that I was wrong, it was that everyone else had simply taken a day off and with that it was easier. I suppose that was then the denial started. 

 

Other days my mind was back to 'normal'. Or everyone was against me again. They didn't rest  for long. This was really starting to wear me down. I would sit alone and cry. The bathroom was a good place for that and feeling sorry for myself became a comfort. I would wrap my arms around myself to hug myself. Well someone had to. I was alone remember? These days happened quite often, I could have filled and Olympic sized swimming pool with the tears that I shed on that bathroom floor. Why the bathroom your probably thinking, well that was the only place that felt peaceful. It helped me think and gather my thoughts. When I would come out you would think I was fine. I would smile and get on with it. Well you have to don't you? Plus there was nothing wrong with me. Everyone is entitled to a little cry right? Mine just happened more often.

 

 

Look out for My Mind and Me part 2 Next Week.

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx