Toilet Thoughts

Hello readers.. 

I'm currently writing this as I'm sat on the toilet and I'm sure most people wouldn't want to know that but in reality this is my life. I have Ulcerative Colitis which if you have been following our blog since we started then you would know. If you haven't read our blog and don't know or heard of Ulcerative Colitis is then it's an Irritable Bowel Disease (NOT IBS) and this horrible disease means I attend the toilet basically 95% of the day. I get very sore joints because of this and also terrible fatigue so you can imagine sitting on the toilet isn't enjoyable.

I wanted to write this post because I swear some people think that I'm even making it up or that I enjoy suffering from Colitis! It's exhausted, painful & frustrating. I never have a proper goodnight sleep because for some reason my Bowel is more awake at night time. I never get to watch full programme as run back and forward to the bathroom. It's not fun or enjoyable having to sit on the toilet and for normal people when they go for a toilet they are not in pain but I am in pain. Everyone I open my bowel it is absolutely agony and I cry because of the pain. 

I sit on the toilet and watch people snapchats or insta stories and see people out having fun or not having to worry about to what to eat and it's hard to watch.. and I do feel about jealous of them. Then I go on Facebook and read people statues about their fun evenings and it makes me sad and angry. I look back and miss the old me. The old me who used to spend my evenings going out, drinking, eating whatever I wanted, was abled to have a goodnight sleep and literally having no care in the world. 

So when people say that I have an easy life being housebound, stuck on the toilet in pain and never having a goodnight sleep.... "easy" isn't the word I'd call it. I didn't choose to have this disease and I wouldn't wish this on anyone. I'd absolutely chose to be working, doing normal adult things and not having to be in pain over this any day!! It's hard to be positive when I'm stuck on the toilet, it's hard to be happy and not dwell on the past. But this IS my life and all I wish is for my health to be better and to gain my life back again. So yeah this isn't enjoying or fun and if anyone says it is then come and be in my shoes for a day and you'll soon realise how "fun" this really is!!! 

Love Katie xx

CCUK/Endoscopy Tour

Sooooo this is the first blog post I have done in a very very long time!! What better way to start blogging again by writing about something close to my heart..

On Sunday I went to my first ever Crohns and Colitis Meet up at the Endoscopy Clinic At Royal Berkshire Hospital in Reading and it was literally so amazing to meet and talk to people who suffer with IBD. This was my first meet at all so I was nervous abit and to make things worse Im flaring at the moment. This was rather different from a general "meet" as it was a chance for Friends and family of members of Crohns and Colitis Berkshire to see behind the scene and learn more about what us IBD sufferers have to deal with when we enter in Endoscopy area. I brought my Mother and Stepdad with me as I thought it would be a good idea to get them involved more and in hope that they can try to understand what I go through. I am glad I took them as they are two of my closest people in my life and I would love it if my closest ones understood and knew more about IBD from the endoscopy consultant.  

So we got there about 10am ish and we sat down with a cuppa in the reception area of the Endoscopy unit. Well I say sit down but what I really meant is that I ran straight to the toilet because Colitis doesn't like to behave well at the moment lol. We all had a cuppa and biscuits and had a chat/got to know each other for about 10 minutes or so. Then Professor Jon Simmons started the tour of the endoscopy clinic and literally I was so interested and amazed. He explained what happens from the minute you step into the reception to the minute you leave. He started by showing us the waiting areas which is separate for male and females, once you are undress you put all your clothing and items in a big "shopping basket"...you know like the baskets on wheels they have at some shops, well it was exactly the same as that which they take it with you all the way to recovery. Also in that area he shown us where you have the enema which is in a room attached to a toilet. Then onto the exciting area!!!! The Endoscopy operation rooms. Jon shown us everything from the equipment, the biopsy equipment, all the machines, the gas and air ect and he also explained all the different type of sedation which was very interesting. We asked him some questions then he switch on the machine and we all had a hold of the endoscope itself, took biopsy (with paper) and we was all in amazed haha. Then off we went to the recovery area which was male and female separate and explained how it works ect. Now this part was the best...the cleaning room!! So once the endoscopy is finished the nurse will take the dirty endoscope plus all the equipment to the cleaning room which was literally so interesting. On one side was full on sinks where they clean the equipment first then on the other side was the big machine which looked like massive washing machines haha... they put the equipment in these machine which is disinfected. Once the cleaning progress is all finished its comes out in a separate room so basically the dirty ones NEVER mix with the cleans ones. Then we went to see all the other operations rooms which one had a X-ray in and lastly we went to the room where you go and sit down once you have recovered from the sedation and all your obs are fine. That room is full of comfy sofas, a area for hot drinks and toaster and a little room joined to it which is for when they have the report of the endoscopy and the nurse goes through any questions you have ect and then you wait til you are picked up or drive home if you just have gas and air. 

We stayed in that room for ages asking Professor Jon Simmons lots of questions, we had lots of debates about the NHS and a general chat about life with IBD.  We was there for a good few hours and even my Mother and Stepdad learnt so much and got stuck in with asking questions. I literally felt alot better after talking to people who suffer the same as me as I finally was talking to people who know exactly how I feel. To be honest I was more happy that my Mother and Stepdad came and joined in because they obviously do not have IBD so its hard for them to understand me at times and sometimes they both have been judgmental in the past which I don't blame them for because unless you have IBD, its really difficult to understand. As I said at the start of this post that this was my first ever meet up to do with Crohns and Colitis so I was very scared but after it finished I felt more confident and excited to attend other meet ups. 

I learnt ALOT and feel alot less nervous now for when I have another Colonoscopy/Sigmoidoscopy. I am not under Reading Hospital so it was all new to me but after speaking to the Jon Simmons its made me ever more sure to be referred there. I am currently under Wexham Park hospital and ever since I was diagnosed in 2015 I have never had any progress with symptoms and they still won't try me on any other medication. So I think its about time to get referred to a new IBD specialist with a good IBD nurse support team and in hope they start me on new treatment and finger crossed I start to feel better. 

Thank you to anyone who has stayed this far and read this haha. Myself and Beth haven't been blogging properly for ages. Life got in the way and we put this blog in the back of our mind. We literally loved writing and reading other blogs and we both said its a form of therapy for us so we promise to try and get this blog back to how it was. 

Love Katie 
xx  

Wedding Diet Diary

Hey guys,

I forgot to post this Tuesday so its a bit longer! Sorry!

Sorry I haven't written in a couple days been a manic weekend! Not only that been so ashamed :( Yes I fell off the wagon entirely! Not good and so soon. But I'm back on it! I think I needed that dip in order to pick myself up a bit.
 We went out to dinner last night and I did have a pig out but to be fair we don't often eat out so I made the most of it. Like I said I'm doing this my way and if that means the odd treat then that's what I will do. I am sticking to my diet every other day. I think the fact I put such strict rules on myself last time, like anyone does when they diet was part of my failure, I've never been one to stick to rules! haha. The fact I have put that pressure on myself has gave me more motivation to say yeah I can do this and get back on it and not give up. You may think I'm being stupid, it don't matter I'm doing what I thinks good for me and it may not work...but it might. Will have to see.
 I bet your thinking why haven't I put up a start picture of myself up well there are many reasons. No.1 I'm not body confident much. I will take one and if this works I may post a before and after picture but I'm not going to put that stress and pressure on myself at the moment. No3 this isn't a look how much weight I've lost or planning to loose post. This is simply a diary to log what I'm doing to see if it works and in future if it does work and think you need to see progress or whatever I will share. But this is real. No fitness fanatic blog.
 I do enjoy the shakes they are very tasty they taste like if not better than the branded ones. They feel me up to and I find myself fancying one. This morning I have had a shake for breakfast which I really enjoyed, I don't know what I'm having for lunch it will probably be a shake again. For dinner I will be having salmon baby potatoes broccoli and baby corn one of my favs!

Thursday 23rd March

I've had my coffee morning this morning but I have not had anything to eat, I am starving! So I am relying on slim fast snacks! I don't know what to hav for lunch I would have a shake but I have run out of skimmed millk :( and forgot to buy some. Still I guess I will be saving room for my rib coleslaw and sweet potato chip dinner! Not the healthiest and not the most unhealthiest either, and I've saved myself for it haha! It is hard I'm finding the hunger hard but the image of my dress is keeping me semi strong haha.

I am going to go now I am very tired I didn't get to sleep till 2am! I will be back to check in tomorrow. Happy dieting to me and other who are:)

see you soon

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx 

wedding diet

Hi guys!

I know its been a while...Again. But I am back for a bit haha.

Well I'm getting married in 3 months. Yes 3 MONTHS! I know a lot of brides diet for like a year before they get married but to be honest that hasn't really bothered me, but now I'm like terrified of not fitting into my dress, so now 3 months before I take the plunge I've decided to diet. Better late than never!

My facebook feed is basically covered in juice plus. My facebook is basically like a juice plus focus group. All I see are various women shredding the pounds by cleansing their bodies souls and god knows whatever else with various shakes and capsules. Capsules yes basically a posher word for pills. Basically slimming pills for posh people that don't like to admit popping pills every 5 minuets. Any how I thought well this obviously works. So there I am on the juice plus website looking at their shakes and "capsules" and I would basically have to go get myself a mortgage and then re mortgage to afford that. If I did juice plus the diet would cost more than my wedding. So I thought juice plus can stick it.

What else could I do. Well any diet is not going to work without eating healthy so I thought I would try changing my diet and see how I get on, then I wont have to cut of a leg and sell it in order to loose weight. I've been eating fish, veg ect and cut out snacking. Now I have been on meal replacement shakes before and I didn't work for me but I thought I want to give it another go but do it my way because if I don't I will fail, just like last time. so here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to eat healthier and drink water, apart from the odd treat drink. I'm going to have a meal replacement shake as I want, so maybe I will have one a day at breakfast or lunch which ever I feel like on the day, I may even choose to have one for breakfast and lunch on various days. The meals I do have are going to be healthy. No shit, no fatty foods, just tasty healthy meals. Gone is the snacking. I am aware that on sometimes I can have a cheat. so then I may decide to have the odd cheat but only one thing. I will allow myself a takeaway which would be a chicken kebab, when I was on slimming world this was a popular choice amongst other slimming buddies as its a "healthier" takeaway if there ever was such a thing. I'm going to listen to my body and do it my way.

I'm thinking of using this blog as a diary of my weight journey too off load as I just cant do It without. I know, I know, I started one before and it come to fuck all basically but this time I have an end goal too look at.

Today I am having, a Superdrug own instant meal replacement shake, strawberry flavour, a slimming world Mediterranean chicken pasta from Iceland for lunch and dinner is undecided at the moment. At the moment I am feeling positive and really want to see results. I will be back tomorrow to log how I am feeling and keep you updated...if you want to be haha.






speak soon
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Dear Grandad

Hey gramps,

A lots happened since you've been gone. 14 years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still I cant bare to speak about it. I'm sure you've seen  what a hectic life I've lived since but yet I've not been able to talk about any of it  with you. God there have been  so many times where I've fucked up or been down or felt alone or even been  so happy that I have wanted to come to and talk to you about it and ask for your advice. Many of times I've been alone and spoke to you out loud in the hope that maybe you can hear me. I've longed for one last cuddle, one more laugh, one more time shared. All these years there's not been a minute gone by when the longing has stopped. The milestones you've missed, my 16th 18th 21st.  My exams, my daughters birth and soon to be my wedding.
 Oh how I wold have loved to have you there through school, I went a bit off the rails you see, how I know you would have whipped me back on to the straight and narrow. It was being attacked that did to me I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt dirty and wrong. I blamed myself. My world crumbled around me I was hated and told I was lying through my teeth by many people who knew me in school. I didn't even know what had happened, I was young. The police told me what it was. Rape. I needed you. You would have known exactly how to make me feel better, even  if it was just taking my mind off things. I talked to you a lot then. Did you hear? It don't matter if you didn't. it just gave me some comfort talking to you. Anyhow that's how I ended up going off the rails a bit, smoking, drinking, dodgy crowd. I'm not proud of it, infact I'd rather forget about it. I just want to say I'm sorry. The way I acted then I can imagine you were far from proud. Before then I was the good girl you would remember, never putting a foot out of line, shy and respectful. Then after what happened I was rebellious, rude and cocky. I hated myself but I couldn't change. I didn't know how. The events had changed me, morphed me into something new. Yet all the time I just wanted to be the person you would remember. Id still feel close to you then. But she was a distant memory. I love writing to you. The trouble is I don't want to stop, but I have to go get Ava from school and get Bella ready for school. You would love them. Promise me I can chat to again? I will write to you again soon I promise.

chat soon

love you always

BO BO xxx

A letter to friends.

Dear friends,

Before I met you I was a shell with an inside full of mush. Trying to find myself in a new place with a series of change happening before my eyes. Scared and anxious of what may come my way. Stuck in a rut of routine, a routine that I'm not knocking its a routine that kept me going and kept me dealing with day to day life. Yeah I have family, a great one at that. But they weren't there with me day to day though everyday phone calls kept me sane.
 The amount of times I wished I had a "clique" sad I know, but I longed for the girly chats and the mum to mum school moans. School holiday meetings and coffee mornings. Most girls dream of fancy holidays, dinners and gifts. Me I dreamed of reigniting my social life. Social life, I used to take it for granted. Never really realised the value of friends. Sure I have Katie but I think of her more like my sister.
 When we first started talking I was sceptical. Not of any of you, in myself. I didn't think it would move past the odd talk in the playground or outside my flat. Who would want a proper friendship with me? The more we talked and the closer we got the more the mush  inside this shell of me started to harden and thicken, became more of a substance. I started to feel like me again. I started to look forward to school runs and ballet runs. Started to experience night out. I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Coffee mornings are a thing now and set me up for the day, ballet afternoons on a Thursday happen regularly. 
  I have people to go to when I'm feeling down. I don't have to put everything on one person who was usually Katie. I'm glad I haven't got to put all my problems on her and I have you girls to help me to and like wise  that I can be there as a good friend to you ladies too.
I used to take social life and friendship for granted thinking I will always have it, how wrong was I. It makes you feel human, it gives you laughs and support and well company. Thank you ladies , and here's to many years of friendship.

Beth xxx
 

Budget Bride -Week1

Hello my lovelies!

I am so sorry! I have been such a bad blogger this week and neglected the blog a bit. To be honest I've been on such a high this week and only had one thing on my mind. MY WEDDING. Yes I'm getting married!!! After three years we have FINALLY set a date for June next year. I never really understood the whole bridezilla thing or the whole weddings are stressful thing, but I've had my first taster this week and the stress cloud is already showing an appearance! There is just so much to think about you don't know where to start first. The bridezilla head hasn't shown itself yet, note I say yet as you never know, its just so easy to get carried away!

I am not going to sit here and say I'm having a big fancy occasion because I'm not. Sure it would be lovely to have the castle, marque, white doves, fire works and lavish party with posh food and champagne all night long. That's every little girls dream. It was mine until I met Tom and realised the real meaning for marriage. Anyway my do is going to be a tad smaller, a registry office ceremony and some kind of pub/function room reception. It may not be lavish but its just as much stress and just as much work, though its nice stress and work I like doing! I thought I would track my journey through the blog, it may relate to other brides out there!

Through week 1 of wedding planning I have learnt that the first thing you should do apart from the obvious ceremony booking and notice to marry booking is getting the guest list together. You need to have a good Idea of numbers because that's the first thing people ask when you enquire about ANYWHERE. I'm actually going to rewind and say you will prob need to know numbers before booking the ceremony too because them rooms come in many size varieties!

What I found more challenging in week one

Getting Tom to tell his dad - Ok so this may seem little in hindsight but when its not. I have many family members that are excited and want to go public on social media but I felt strongly that no close family members should find out that way. I had told all I needed to and so did Tom... to a certain degree. He really dragged his heels when telling his dad and no there was no reason for it other than he is simply just a man. And a very laid back at that. Tom can be so laid back that he is going backwards at times. I was on at him for a good couple of days to tell his dad before he actually listened, this played my "bride anxiety" (yes I am inventing something) up bad.

Reception Venue - Ah gosh its not easy when your on a budget and EVERY venue wants to charge through the roof! No I am not after something for nothing but I would like there to be a good amount of options out there for us budget brides!

Notice Of Marriage -  Well this is a massive pain in the bum for me! I need to save up the £70 to give notice of marriage, I know a joke of a charge! This is the most stressful thing because I know it NEEDS to be done its going to take me 4 weeks to save to book and will probably the longest 4 weeks of my life.

Things I found easy in week 1

Ceremony venue - I found this quite quick, I had a pick of registry offices but I found this gem of an old manorish house and HAD to book! it was quick and easy with just a £46 deposit:)

Telling friends and family - I haven't gone wild on social media yet but I let it out to friends and family in a heartbeat as I just couldn't contain my excitement! They also know how long I've waited for this and how much it means to us.

Planning and organising - Thanks to my sister making me fab planning folder I have thrown myself into jotting things down and organising. It makes life so much easier!!

Picking Bridesmaids and Page Boys - Very important for a bride!  I picked them easily, I'm having my two girls Ava and Bella then Katie my lovely sister in law and Elisa my sister (And baby Jayde my niece) if my sisters okay with it . My page boys are gonna be my two gorgy nephews Alfie and Ronnie.

I think I have earned a nice glass of wine and to put my feet up! I'm gonna go and watch x factor now but I look forward to keeping you all updated with my planning next week :)

Thanks for reading :)

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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