Wedding Diet Diary

Hey guys,

I forgot to post this Tuesday so its a bit longer! Sorry!

Sorry I haven't written in a couple days been a manic weekend! Not only that been so ashamed :( Yes I fell off the wagon entirely! Not good and so soon. But I'm back on it! I think I needed that dip in order to pick myself up a bit.
 We went out to dinner last night and I did have a pig out but to be fair we don't often eat out so I made the most of it. Like I said I'm doing this my way and if that means the odd treat then that's what I will do. I am sticking to my diet every other day. I think the fact I put such strict rules on myself last time, like anyone does when they diet was part of my failure, I've never been one to stick to rules! haha. The fact I have put that pressure on myself has gave me more motivation to say yeah I can do this and get back on it and not give up. You may think I'm being stupid, it don't matter I'm doing what I thinks good for me and it may not work...but it might. Will have to see.
 I bet your thinking why haven't I put up a start picture of myself up well there are many reasons. No.1 I'm not body confident much. I will take one and if this works I may post a before and after picture but I'm not going to put that stress and pressure on myself at the moment. No3 this isn't a look how much weight I've lost or planning to loose post. This is simply a diary to log what I'm doing to see if it works and in future if it does work and think you need to see progress or whatever I will share. But this is real. No fitness fanatic blog.
 I do enjoy the shakes they are very tasty they taste like if not better than the branded ones. They feel me up to and I find myself fancying one. This morning I have had a shake for breakfast which I really enjoyed, I don't know what I'm having for lunch it will probably be a shake again. For dinner I will be having salmon baby potatoes broccoli and baby corn one of my favs!

Thursday 23rd March

I've had my coffee morning this morning but I have not had anything to eat, I am starving! So I am relying on slim fast snacks! I don't know what to hav for lunch I would have a shake but I have run out of skimmed millk :( and forgot to buy some. Still I guess I will be saving room for my rib coleslaw and sweet potato chip dinner! Not the healthiest and not the most unhealthiest either, and I've saved myself for it haha! It is hard I'm finding the hunger hard but the image of my dress is keeping me semi strong haha.

I am going to go now I am very tired I didn't get to sleep till 2am! I will be back to check in tomorrow. Happy dieting to me and other who are:)

see you soon

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx 

wedding diet

Hi guys!

I know its been a while...Again. But I am back for a bit haha.

Well I'm getting married in 3 months. Yes 3 MONTHS! I know a lot of brides diet for like a year before they get married but to be honest that hasn't really bothered me, but now I'm like terrified of not fitting into my dress, so now 3 months before I take the plunge I've decided to diet. Better late than never!

My facebook feed is basically covered in juice plus. My facebook is basically like a juice plus focus group. All I see are various women shredding the pounds by cleansing their bodies souls and god knows whatever else with various shakes and capsules. Capsules yes basically a posher word for pills. Basically slimming pills for posh people that don't like to admit popping pills every 5 minuets. Any how I thought well this obviously works. So there I am on the juice plus website looking at their shakes and "capsules" and I would basically have to go get myself a mortgage and then re mortgage to afford that. If I did juice plus the diet would cost more than my wedding. So I thought juice plus can stick it.

What else could I do. Well any diet is not going to work without eating healthy so I thought I would try changing my diet and see how I get on, then I wont have to cut of a leg and sell it in order to loose weight. I've been eating fish, veg ect and cut out snacking. Now I have been on meal replacement shakes before and I didn't work for me but I thought I want to give it another go but do it my way because if I don't I will fail, just like last time. so here's what I'm going to do.

I'm going to eat healthier and drink water, apart from the odd treat drink. I'm going to have a meal replacement shake as I want, so maybe I will have one a day at breakfast or lunch which ever I feel like on the day, I may even choose to have one for breakfast and lunch on various days. The meals I do have are going to be healthy. No shit, no fatty foods, just tasty healthy meals. Gone is the snacking. I am aware that on sometimes I can have a cheat. so then I may decide to have the odd cheat but only one thing. I will allow myself a takeaway which would be a chicken kebab, when I was on slimming world this was a popular choice amongst other slimming buddies as its a "healthier" takeaway if there ever was such a thing. I'm going to listen to my body and do it my way.

I'm thinking of using this blog as a diary of my weight journey too off load as I just cant do It without. I know, I know, I started one before and it come to fuck all basically but this time I have an end goal too look at.

Today I am having, a Superdrug own instant meal replacement shake, strawberry flavour, a slimming world Mediterranean chicken pasta from Iceland for lunch and dinner is undecided at the moment. At the moment I am feeling positive and really want to see results. I will be back tomorrow to log how I am feeling and keep you updated...if you want to be haha.






speak soon
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Dear Grandad

Hey gramps,

A lots happened since you've been gone. 14 years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still I cant bare to speak about it. I'm sure you've seen  what a hectic life I've lived since but yet I've not been able to talk about any of it  with you. God there have been  so many times where I've fucked up or been down or felt alone or even been  so happy that I have wanted to come to and talk to you about it and ask for your advice. Many of times I've been alone and spoke to you out loud in the hope that maybe you can hear me. I've longed for one last cuddle, one more laugh, one more time shared. All these years there's not been a minute gone by when the longing has stopped. The milestones you've missed, my 16th 18th 21st.  My exams, my daughters birth and soon to be my wedding.
 Oh how I wold have loved to have you there through school, I went a bit off the rails you see, how I know you would have whipped me back on to the straight and narrow. It was being attacked that did to me I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt dirty and wrong. I blamed myself. My world crumbled around me I was hated and told I was lying through my teeth by many people who knew me in school. I didn't even know what had happened, I was young. The police told me what it was. Rape. I needed you. You would have known exactly how to make me feel better, even  if it was just taking my mind off things. I talked to you a lot then. Did you hear? It don't matter if you didn't. it just gave me some comfort talking to you. Anyhow that's how I ended up going off the rails a bit, smoking, drinking, dodgy crowd. I'm not proud of it, infact I'd rather forget about it. I just want to say I'm sorry. The way I acted then I can imagine you were far from proud. Before then I was the good girl you would remember, never putting a foot out of line, shy and respectful. Then after what happened I was rebellious, rude and cocky. I hated myself but I couldn't change. I didn't know how. The events had changed me, morphed me into something new. Yet all the time I just wanted to be the person you would remember. Id still feel close to you then. But she was a distant memory. I love writing to you. The trouble is I don't want to stop, but I have to go get Ava from school and get Bella ready for school. You would love them. Promise me I can chat to again? I will write to you again soon I promise.

chat soon

love you always

BO BO xxx

A letter to friends.

Dear friends,

Before I met you I was a shell with an inside full of mush. Trying to find myself in a new place with a series of change happening before my eyes. Scared and anxious of what may come my way. Stuck in a rut of routine, a routine that I'm not knocking its a routine that kept me going and kept me dealing with day to day life. Yeah I have family, a great one at that. But they weren't there with me day to day though everyday phone calls kept me sane.
 The amount of times I wished I had a "clique" sad I know, but I longed for the girly chats and the mum to mum school moans. School holiday meetings and coffee mornings. Most girls dream of fancy holidays, dinners and gifts. Me I dreamed of reigniting my social life. Social life, I used to take it for granted. Never really realised the value of friends. Sure I have Katie but I think of her more like my sister.
 When we first started talking I was sceptical. Not of any of you, in myself. I didn't think it would move past the odd talk in the playground or outside my flat. Who would want a proper friendship with me? The more we talked and the closer we got the more the mush  inside this shell of me started to harden and thicken, became more of a substance. I started to feel like me again. I started to look forward to school runs and ballet runs. Started to experience night out. I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Coffee mornings are a thing now and set me up for the day, ballet afternoons on a Thursday happen regularly. 
  I have people to go to when I'm feeling down. I don't have to put everything on one person who was usually Katie. I'm glad I haven't got to put all my problems on her and I have you girls to help me to and like wise  that I can be there as a good friend to you ladies too.
I used to take social life and friendship for granted thinking I will always have it, how wrong was I. It makes you feel human, it gives you laughs and support and well company. Thank you ladies , and here's to many years of friendship.

Beth xxx
 

Budget Bride -Week1

Hello my lovelies!

I am so sorry! I have been such a bad blogger this week and neglected the blog a bit. To be honest I've been on such a high this week and only had one thing on my mind. MY WEDDING. Yes I'm getting married!!! After three years we have FINALLY set a date for June next year. I never really understood the whole bridezilla thing or the whole weddings are stressful thing, but I've had my first taster this week and the stress cloud is already showing an appearance! There is just so much to think about you don't know where to start first. The bridezilla head hasn't shown itself yet, note I say yet as you never know, its just so easy to get carried away!

I am not going to sit here and say I'm having a big fancy occasion because I'm not. Sure it would be lovely to have the castle, marque, white doves, fire works and lavish party with posh food and champagne all night long. That's every little girls dream. It was mine until I met Tom and realised the real meaning for marriage. Anyway my do is going to be a tad smaller, a registry office ceremony and some kind of pub/function room reception. It may not be lavish but its just as much stress and just as much work, though its nice stress and work I like doing! I thought I would track my journey through the blog, it may relate to other brides out there!

Through week 1 of wedding planning I have learnt that the first thing you should do apart from the obvious ceremony booking and notice to marry booking is getting the guest list together. You need to have a good Idea of numbers because that's the first thing people ask when you enquire about ANYWHERE. I'm actually going to rewind and say you will prob need to know numbers before booking the ceremony too because them rooms come in many size varieties!

What I found more challenging in week one

Getting Tom to tell his dad - Ok so this may seem little in hindsight but when its not. I have many family members that are excited and want to go public on social media but I felt strongly that no close family members should find out that way. I had told all I needed to and so did Tom... to a certain degree. He really dragged his heels when telling his dad and no there was no reason for it other than he is simply just a man. And a very laid back at that. Tom can be so laid back that he is going backwards at times. I was on at him for a good couple of days to tell his dad before he actually listened, this played my "bride anxiety" (yes I am inventing something) up bad.

Reception Venue - Ah gosh its not easy when your on a budget and EVERY venue wants to charge through the roof! No I am not after something for nothing but I would like there to be a good amount of options out there for us budget brides!

Notice Of Marriage -  Well this is a massive pain in the bum for me! I need to save up the £70 to give notice of marriage, I know a joke of a charge! This is the most stressful thing because I know it NEEDS to be done its going to take me 4 weeks to save to book and will probably the longest 4 weeks of my life.

Things I found easy in week 1

Ceremony venue - I found this quite quick, I had a pick of registry offices but I found this gem of an old manorish house and HAD to book! it was quick and easy with just a £46 deposit:)

Telling friends and family - I haven't gone wild on social media yet but I let it out to friends and family in a heartbeat as I just couldn't contain my excitement! They also know how long I've waited for this and how much it means to us.

Planning and organising - Thanks to my sister making me fab planning folder I have thrown myself into jotting things down and organising. It makes life so much easier!!

Picking Bridesmaids and Page Boys - Very important for a bride!  I picked them easily, I'm having my two girls Ava and Bella then Katie my lovely sister in law and Elisa my sister (And baby Jayde my niece) if my sisters okay with it . My page boys are gonna be my two gorgy nephews Alfie and Ronnie.

I think I have earned a nice glass of wine and to put my feet up! I'm gonna go and watch x factor now but I look forward to keeping you all updated with my planning next week :)

Thanks for reading :)

until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

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My Mind And Me - It gets worse before it gets better

It gets worse before it gets better

Well on my journey with counselling I expected to see changes. Mood changes more than anything. I thought this counselling would be a fix, A Quick fix. If I am totally honest with you I thought it was going to be 'easy' and solve all my problems. How naïve of me. I was being stupid thinking like that but when your in the moment things seem a lot different. That's one thing that's annoying about depression, it can cloud a lot and change your thought process. I'm lucky I am not one of the severe ones.


Half way through my journey I began to realise the desired effect I hoped the counselling would have was not going to happen. I kept coming out of the sessions with my emotions running sky high just like I felt on the first session only I couldn't figure out why. I mean yes its understandable that I wouldn't feel one hundred percent after speaking about the events of my past but come on I thought I'd be able to learn to keep a lid on how it made me felt. In my head that's what counselling was meant to help me to do. I don't know If that was my deluded vision of counselling or a thought process I created to help make what counselling would really do to me seem easier.

Before you start counselling they tell you it is an emotional journey and you start to feel worse before you feel better and you may also not feel great when you finish. I thought that nah that's not going to be me they are just saying that to make me feel better. I can tell you I was wrong, wrong to assume I would be different. I was feeling worse, half way through I thought I was going to rip someone's head off and my emotions were all over the place. I should have listened and that way I would have been prepared for the hard core feelings hitting me like a bus. I'm not going to dress it up for you all its important you know the realities of counselling. I felt destroyed. I felt broken as a person and as woman, I was in a tunnel that I didn't think I would make  it through. I felt stuck. Stuck with my past and all the horrible memories it brought. I was reliving it every day in my head almost like punishing myself. But why? I didn't know.

I realise now that I was meant to feel that way. Its like a fear the only way to confront it is to tackle it head on. That's what I was doing. Tackling my past head on because my past was the key to all my problems. Despite the way the counselling was making me feel I enjoyed going. It was my chance to talk to someone, tell someone how I felt and what was going on and that person  did not judge. That person was completely neutral  and most of  all listened. Listened when no one else would, or couldn't understand. So there I was half way through my counselling journey feeling shit and confused and erratic but also feeling motivated and positive that I had someone to listen. That is what started to pull me through. The fact that every seven days there was a pair of ears waiting for me meant the world.

Look out for my mind and me next week

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
 

Break explanation

Hello Lovlies,

OMG two weeks out! I do apologise for taking a two week break but we all need time off right? Things just got on top of me I suppose, not taking my anti depressants didn't help. I know I know I need to take them  and can't come off them cold turkey but what's a girl to do when the funds aren't there? I needed to pick up my prescription from the chemist but as one of the few on a low income but for some what reason the government decide don't need help I wasn't able to afford to pick up my medication. I pay for my scripts as and when so its a nightmare!! That reminds me I should set up the pre paid thing. So yeah I've been feeling pretty low. Along with that I've had trouble sleeping. I don't know why. I'll have terrible problems falling asleep and then when I do go off I cant hold a sleep and will be waking up every hourish. That along with having low iron levels has left me walking around like a zombie. I am on tablets for my low iron but I am a nightmare for remembering to take the damn things, anyone else like that? Things come to ahead Friday when Katie insisted I go doctors and accompanied me for moral support. I broke down in there after getting prescribed medication to help me sleep. That wasn't before the bloody doctor pre judged me as a weed smoking alcoholic. Apparently when  you cant sleep and turn up with no make up on that's what you automatically become.

Thanks to Katie for buying my scripts for me I was finally able to get back on the mend by taking my anti depressants again and taking my sleep meds. After a few nights good sleep I'm starting to gradually feel a bit better and more relaxed. Relaxed enough to start blogging again. If I am honest I've missed my blogging in the last couple of weeks, it makes  me feel so much better. Being able to vent and let you guys what's going on makes me feel good. It just a shame that no matter how much I wanted to get back on the laptop I just didn't feel able to.

Not to worry now though, I am back, I've had a break and I'm looking forward to writing for you all again. This was a post to let you know why I've been quiet and to read our posts this week, starting with one tomorrow :)

Thanks for reading :)

Until next time...

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx