Feeling Lost And Lonely

Is is okay to feel lost and lonely even though I'm lucky to have good people around me? I guess it is the Depression making me feel like this but I feel guilty for feeling it. I feel very lost, empty, sad, lonely and very down lately. I live with my Mother so I have always got her to talk to and she does make me laugh whenever I am down but there are times where I really need Bethany around. Beth just "gets me" if that makes sense, we both been through similar/same experiences and I can trust her with my whole life. But she isn't just down the road and I can only afford to go to Essex once a month. When I am in Essex, I am literally constantly happy. My Nieces, Brother and Beth are my world so being with them I never feel down or sad. 

Even though its been months and months since Beth moved back to Essex I think it has only just set in. Yes we text constantly, Snapchat and Facetime but that doesn't compare to actually being with someone in their company. Having two Chronic Illnesses is a very lonely life and 90% of my days out include doctor, hospital and chemist. The 10% I do go out is always spoiled by my Colitis playing up or Back hurting. I forgot how it felt to just not have to think before planning or going out. I used to just get up ready dressed out but now before I go out I have to make sure I have applied gel to my back, packed all my medication for the day in my bag, make sure I have a bottle of water for the meds ect. Now I have to get taxis everywhere as My Mother cannot drive anymore due to a hand injury but we would usually walk to doctors/chemist/hospital and sometimes we do but 99% of the time I have to get a taxi because if I am having a flare up with my Colitis I need to be at the doctors asap to be near a toilet, My Back is fine for a bit while walking but after a while it will hurt so much and then the side effects from my meds make me very dosey sleepy sick so I cannot be walking for a long time. I don't really have a social life lately which is why when I go to Essex I feel bloody happy because it is like an escape from reality. Well not completely because I still have pain and medication but it is a good break to be away from home and just enjoy myself and be surrounded with family who understand my illnesses. 

Luckily I have two dogs who are with me all the time so I am glad because I don't know what I would do without them. Few weekends back I was home alone for 4 days and at first I was okay but then I soon realized how much I need and appreciate my Mother. I was hoovering the stairs and my back give way and I fell and couldn't move for 40 minutes. I cried because at 23 years old this is not how I ever imagined my life to be like. A friend came over in the Evening which made me completely shut off and be happy but I want to be able to be happy on my own. I don't want to have to rely on others for my happiness. I truly believe in the saying that you have to be able to be happy single to be able to be happy in a relationship. I am on Anti Depressants and have declined Talking Therapy as I didn't have a good experience with it few years ago but I think I need to stop being so stubborn and just try Talking Therapy again and just see if that helps. 

Does anyone have any tips that would help? Feeling lost and lonely is something I don't want to feel. It makes me say the wrong things to people and I take it out via ranting over texts. Luckily Beth understands and does tell me straight which helps alot. 

Love Katie x 

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Bella update!

YIt's been a while since I've updated you all on the lovely Bella Mai and boy has she changed! Bella is now 6 months old and coming along lovely! 

 

Bella is a happy cheeky 6 month old. She now weighs 14lb which is a bit small for her age but for Bella and her tricky start with her allergy is good and she is putting weight on regular. 

She can now roll over & boy does she love to do that! She rolls around the floor bed and crib! Turning onto her belly to play with her toys! 

She has said her first word!!!  At 5 months old little Bella Mai the genius baby said her first word. She said dada and she could stop saying it after that ha ha. She has since slowed down a bit saying it. I did catch her on video saying it but I can't upload it so below is a snap I took just after posing with her big sister! 

Finally we have started to wean Bella! We had to wait this long too see the dietician for her to tell us what Bella can eat and what milk is disguised as in food and also what foods are suitable. We tried her with baby rice, plain which she hates. We then tried her on plain fruit purées and she loves them so that's what she has for breakfast or she will have cow and gate fruit Musili. We have dug out the dinners that have not got milk in them and started giving her dinners. Here's a pic of her after mealtime...

 

That's all from us for now about Bella I shall update again in a few more weeks. 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxxx

Katie's Health Update #7

I didn't realize my last health update post was in March!! OPPS. I did write some health update HERE in May in a life lately post but I haven't really gone into detail about everything health wise.

image from pinterest 

COLITIS
I haven't really got any updates on my Colitis as I am still waiting on having another appointment with my specialist. I'm on Asacol 400mg twice a day which have been working but in the past two months I have been having flare ups more often than I was before. My symptoms of this is abdominal pain, blood loss when passing stools and loss of appetite. I feel sort of stuck as in March I was diagnosed put on medication and that is it, I am still waiting for a follow up to get more answers. 

AS/ARTHRITIS
It's been over a year since I was diagnosed with Ankylosin Spondylitis which I wrote about HERE and to be honest I have literally only just been able to learnt to cope with it. My symptoms are back pain, stiffness, joint pain with most recent being my right write and fatigue which makes me have zero energy. I'm on Co-codamol 30mg/500mg  x 2 three times a day, Tramadol 50mg x 2 twice a day and my latest medication is called Gabapentin 100mg x 2 three times a day and also Voltarol Gel which I apply to my back every night before bed and also on any joints which aches/when needed. It is alot to remember and I'm forever going back and forwards to the doctors and chemist but touch wood this medication routine is doing the best it can do. That isn't to say it don't hurt because it bloody hurts so much but I think I am getting better at dealing with the pain. I wake up every morning stiff without doubt and it takes about anything between a hour to two hours before I'm not stiff. Hot water bottles are my best friend when I'm having a bad flare up but also a good old cry helps haha. The fatigue and lack of energy has been the biggest thing to deal with lately. Although my insomnia has gone which means I am getting a good amount of sleep and waking up at 8 am every morning without fail, I am feeling so tired and no energy during the day and lately I have been making myself stay awake and do something because before I was going up to my bed and falling asleep and not waking up til early hours of morning which was making me crazy. 


Other illnesses stuff.. I will do another post on my depression, anxiety and panic attacks otherwise this post will be so long ha. Although it has been a few months since my last health update, not much has changed to be honest. Apart from one new medication, colitis getting worse and pain in wrist. I have an health assessment next month which I am very worried about to be honest, even though I know I'm clearly not well to work but I panic sooooo much. If anyone has had or have any tips on this assessment please let me know. This no energy is meaning I am taking double the time to do simple tasks so a normal few hours of basic housework lately is taking me a whole day. Once my morning Tramadol kicks in I literally try and do some housework and literally soon as I feel the painkillers wearing off I will stop and try and rest but some days the painkillers don't do their job. Another example is this post, now this would usually not take me long but I started at lunch time, had to sit down for over an hour then I have to sit up and down and so on and now it is 4pm so 4 hours to do this post grrrrr. I promise I will not leave my next health update for so long next time :)


Love Katie x 

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Happy Father's Day!!!

I would like to say a huge happy Father's Day to all dads out there I hope you have a wonderful Father's Day and get spoilt rotten! I would also like to say happy Father's Day to those dads that have been lost.

Happy Fathers Day Tommy 

Happy Father's Day Tom! You are so so brilliant. Your the best daddy I could ask for the girls to have and that the girls themselves can ask for. You work so hard for them making sure they never go without giving them all they want and need. You are the rock in this family and we are all so very lucky and grateful to have you. The girls love you millions Tommy forever and always. Xxxx

Happy Father's Day dad!!

Excuse the old photo! Happy Father's Day dad! You have been there for me through everything, been the glue to holding everything together. You were there for me when I needed you most and still are today helping me and my family in every way you can. You've helped make me the woman I have become and am becoming. Thank you dad. I love you xxxx

These men are two of the best men around and both deserve the best out of not only today but the rest of their lives. 

Lots Of Love 

Beth ...xxx

Auntie Buys : Daddy's Little Helper

I thought I would start this little series called "Auntie Buys". As a Auntie of two beautiful girls I love nothing more than buying them stuff and treating them. They are not spoiled and Ava always says thank you and is so appreciated whenever she gets gifts. As I don't live near them, I do buy stuff if I go out and see something I know they will like so when I go to Essex it may seem like I have brought them loads but stuff does build up over time. Beth & Tommy are always thankful and I will mostly ask Beth before purchasing whether the girls need/want or would like so the stuff I get is never wasted and I always try to buy stuff that they actually need and I like to help Tommy and Beth out so I do ask every month if there is anything that they are going to buy so that I can either get it for them or put money towards. I do have abit of a problem with buying Converses and Cath Kidston for myself and the girls but that another post!

So the first item of this little series is a "Hi Vis Kids Helper Vest"  which I brought HERE for £3.79. This was a little jokey gift which I knew Ava would love because Tommy is a Plumber and Ava loves helping him around the house at weekends. 

I do love buying little things like this that to us adults don't think are much special but kids love. Ava put this on straight away and loves it. So here is my first "Auntie Buys" post and I shall be doing much more of these because I'm slightly obsessed haha. I cannot wait for Bella to walk so I can buy her Converses haha!!! 

Love Katie x 

First Period In 5 Years.

I'm on my period!!! This may sound stupid seeing as I'm a female but this is my first proper period since 2010 so it's completely weird for me. 

image from google.

The reason for me having a period right now is because my Implant ran out last weekend and since then I have had a period. I am having the implant removed and new one fitted next Friday and I cannot wait!!! Most people have these for contraception but for me it is totally different. My periods have always been heavy and painful and in my family all the females suffer with bad periods/fertility problems ect so I always knew what to expect. I was forever going back and forwards to the Doctors with period problems and then sent to the gynecologist who said I have Menorrhagia and they are going to do tests to find out why. I had many blood tests, ultra sounds and then I had a Laparoscopy and had biopsies. During the time of the Laparoscopy they fitted in a Mirena Coil which began to all the problems which I will explain in a minute but the results from the Laparoscopy was that I have a Retroverted Uterus which means my uterus is titled backwards and this was the reasons I was suffering with pain during sex, pain during periods and they put my back pain down tp this and also they found a lot of cysts on one of my ovary and said it is smaller than my other one which they "think" may not be working". I was never given a proper answer to why I was having heavy and painful periods. Once they put the Mirena Coil in me they didn't bother to follow up these results. 

Worse decision on my life....Having the Mirena Coil.

I was waiting for the operation when the doctor came and told me about this Coil and this doctor made out that it was make all my pain and problems go. I was very nervous for the op so I wasn't in the right frame of mind to agree to anything but I did and I regretted it so much. So YES my periods did calm down in fact they vanished which for me felt bloody amazing as I was suffering so much so to have zero periods was heaven. But then the low moods started, headaches, cramping, bloating, had no energy and I just wanted to rip this thing out. I went to the doctors and saw this female doctor which I will never forget this. She was eating a cupcake while I was sitting down in the room crying my eyes out pleading to have this coil out and she declined saying "Think about this because if you have it out your periods will be even worse". Naturally you believe doctors advice but it was getting sooo bad that few months later I demanded to have the coil out ASAP. It bloody hurt having this out but I wasn't prepared for what happened after. They sent me for a ultra sound which shown my left ovary was inactive and once again got zero answers. By this time I was so exhausted and was even thinking of having a hysterectomy but at 20 years old this isn't what I wanted as I want to be a mum one day. So I went to see another GP who I bloody have so much to thank him for. He basically recommend the Implant in my arm and if I'm still getting all the problems that he will investigate. By this point I had no contraception in me so I was clear for about 6 months and my periods didn't return. I had the Nexplanon Implant fitted and it has changed my life. So okay my periods haven't returned but all my pain from cramps, sex, bloated, headaches ect all have gone.   

Now those three years of the Implant are up and the period has returned so for me this is weird. 5 years of no periods and it has come back to be the worse one lol!!! I am not used to this tbh hahah. 26th June is when I have my appointment for my next implant to be inserted and I am actually can't wait. Since this one ran out my moods have been bad, I've had bad cramps, pain down below and obviously the period so it will be interesting if that all goes or doesn't with the new implant. Now obviously this one will be in for the next three years and I will be 26 years old then which is scary so I have decided that this will be my last implant well it depends on if I am in a relationship or where I will be with my life. If I did't have two chronic illnesses I don't think I would have another implant put back in but I really do not need anymore pain to be honest.

So it is day 9 on this period and I haven't killed anyone...yet!! haha and to make matters worse, My Mother is also on her period so this household at the moment isn't very good!!! HURRY UP 26TH JUNE!!! 

I will do another post in a few weeks to update to see how the new implant is going. Fingers crossed!! 

Love Katie xx

Happy Fathers Day To My Mother

The Price Family

Today is a very weird day for me. Seeing most people celebrate and writing statuses about Fathers Day. For me this is just any other normal day which doesn't bother me but it's made me feel abit emotional this year. I know who my Dad is and he was the most amazing Dad ever but that all changed when I turned 5 years old. He changed, he cheated, he moved out, he moved to Bristol and went quiet for years so myself and my Brother didn't have any contact for years and that made us not particularly like him. Then in mine and my Brother teenager years we started seeing our Dad once a year, twice if we was lucky. I've never had that Father & Daughter bond or relationship and ever now when we are together I find it incredibly awkward and difficult to talk to or find something in common. People may feel sorry for myself and my Brother and I feel like people must feel like we missed out but that couldn't furthest from the truth. We had our Mother bringing us up alone and we had the best time ever, just us three. This has meant that even though my Brother is 13 months younger, he is the "father figure" in my life. I'm not going to lie all of this has made it very hard for me to trust men, I have a fear of everyone just leaving and walking out of my life, I maybe didn't experience the normal daddy and daughter memories but it has made me respect my Mother so much for bringing us up alone. I don't "hate" my Father and the love I have for him isn't the same love I have for my Mum. Now he is a Granddad to Ava & Bella, I thought he might of stepped up and be a good Granddad but he has only seen Bella once and hasn't made any effort to make plans to see the girls and us. 

So happy "Fathers" day to all the single Mothers who are doing the perfect job. Also Happy Fathers Day to my amazing Brother. He is the best and perfect Daddy to Ava Lily & Bella Mai, I am so proud of him. 

Love Katie xx