Mischievious Moo's - 1

Children make me laugh especially mine.  They are hilarious. The things they get up to make me laugh more than Lee Evans doing stand up. They are always getting up to something, I'm not talking about one thing a week I mean they are always up to something mischievous but funny every day. Safe to say my life is pretty eventful. I was thinking of doing a new series on what my girls get up too. I want to share my little laughs with all of you. Its good to have a cheerful post. So here we are I am not just thinking of it I'm doing it. Some things I will mention are just things that Bella has learnt to do as I like to keep you all updated.

Bella my little monkey has learnt how to climb! Now she has known how to do this for a while but now her limits have gone sky high, no height fazes her, she has no fear. I caught her climbing on the dining room chair. Pretty normal right? But then she took it to the next level she decided to go on the table and no not sit on it, stand walk and dance around on it. Luckily I have a hatch in my kitchen so I can see what goes on in the front room and I caught her in time. My heart actually stopped. It was in my throat and Bella just found it funny. That's not the end of her climbing antics, she has also found the window ledge, she climbs onto the sofa and the onto the window ledge and stands up, though this is for a rather cute reason, she is looking for her daddy and calls him when she is up at the window, she starts this in the morning and does it on and off until Tommy gets in early evening. Safe to say I need eyes up my bum where Bella's climbing is concerned.

Bella has also managed to find mummy's make up! I knew one day the girls would become curious in make up, they see me do it but I didn't think it would be quite this soon haha. I turned round to find Bella trying to apply red lipstick oh and trying to eat it! After closer inspection I also noticed she managed to paint my bedding red with it too! What a cheeky moo! She knows how to make people laugh, she knows exactly what cracks me and Tommy up at the age 1! she likes to put her shorts on her head and run around like a mad baby, safe to say we was wetting ourselves, not literally of course. Though with my pelvic floors I wouldn't be surprised! ha ha too much info. To Bellas weekly antics we can add her first roly poly which she decided to do in her cot when she was supposed to be asleep. She was awake for two hours after bed time, in this time she had decided to become a gymnastic dancer and told me to go away ha ha, oh and that she wanted daddy. I felt so wanted haha.

Ava, she has had a pretty quiet week for her though she has been coming out with classic Ava comments, saying to me its not "init" its "isn't it" she has also been calling me a melon quite regular too! cheeky moo! She has also adopted another favourite when I tell her off, "just let me do what I want to do" I try not to laugh at this, the way she delivers her one liners are hilarious. Ava loves watching cooking programmes Jamie Oliver ones in particular, she fancies him he is her boyfriend don't you know. Ava thought she would take inspiration from this today and do her own cooking programme using two different flavour yoghurts, she was mixing and pouring and making a bloody mess! I almost fainted when I saw the mess on my dining table ha ha! To be fair it didn't take long to clear up  and she was having fun I suppose, no harm done!

 

 

 

That is it on the antics on my cheeky little moos for this week! I will be turning this into a series, I know this is going on today (weds) but I will be posting this on a Tues weekly.

I hope you enjoyed :) what funny things do your little ones get up too?

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

 

Product Reveiw- CoLab Active

 

Product Review: CoLab Active

Whatever happens in life us women and some men will always find time to make sure our hair is perfect. I remember a time when I used to have to squeeze in a hair wash even  if my time in shower couldn't be long, due to you know life being hectic, but I couldn't have greasy hair so I would make time! This being the case I bet you were all as relieved and excited when dry shampoo was invented!

These days there are loads of different brands from supermarket own to actual branded and loads of different types, safe to say I've tried and tested most, some have impressed more than others, infact I have wrote a review on another before you may or may not remember. Needless to say I had wrote that review long before I had tested this brand that I can tell you now I'm going to praise to high heaven.

I was going a long a bit of a dry shampoo surfer, never had a regular one, always chopping and changing, this was until Katie introduced me to CoLab. It opened my eyes to a new range of better dry shampoos! I also had fun smelling all their different ones which are named after  different cities, London being my personal favourite and my regular, yep that's right this dry shampoo surfer had settled. I was well and truly excited when they brought out their new one Active.

I was eager to try and purchased as soon as I could. To be honest I knew before I tried it, it was going to be good if their other dry shampoos were anything to go by. As soon as needed I reached for the can of dry shampoo and used it. I was amazed. It does exactly what it says on the tin. It is most defiantly invisible, this shocked me the most if I'm honest. Usually when dry shampoos say it they are not always completely invisible, but this one is, no white marks in sight which means a mirror is not necessary when applying. Go are the days of rubbing your hair like your insane to get rid of the white marks (which seemed like a bloody workout)! Conditioning, that's another thing it says it does, this couldn't be more true, after applying the hair looks a lot more fresh & feels better too, that's something I find unique to this dry shampoo. With a lot of others they make it so your hair is good to look at but at touch it don't feel that great, with this one you seriously wouldn't think I had any on. This lasts all day too, though I do like to top up but that's just personal! Lastly, the shine it leaves my hair with is beautiful, it looks like its not long been washed which is I guess what you want your dry shampoo to do. Retailing at about £3.99 in Superdrug it is well worth the money and you certainly get  what you pay for. Oh and by the way it smells gorg!

Whether your busy at work, with children or just life in general we could all use a little dry shampoo in our lives. Even if you think you don't...you do. There is simply no point in trying hundreds of different dry shampoos, get yourself down to Superdrug and pick up this quality dry shampoo. But be warned once you go CoLab you don't go back ;)
 Thanks for reading

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Three Sides To Me

Three Sides To Me

It was the little things that made all the difference. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. It didn't take much to make me happy but then it didn't take much to make me pissed off either. I supposed pissed off was a light way to describe it. More like severe dramatic over reacting fucked off. Then you had the middle of the spectrum which peered its head up every now and then but not that much. Sadness. Pure sadness. I don't mean sad in general I mean I would get sad about things, simple things, like Tommy going to work.

You know what I don't even  know if it was sadness, more like pure desperation. I remember some mornings I would lay there hoping his alarm wouldn't go off so he would miss work, heck it did cross my mind to turn his alarm off. But I never did. We lived with my mum in Essex and he had to travel to Berkshire to work everyday, leaving at 5am and sometimes not returning till 7pm maybe later. So you could understand why I was so desperate to keep him at home with me, it felt like I hardly saw him during the week. I started to resent his work, and him I guess. I felt like he didn't want to be home. He did and he did want to be around me he was just doing what he could to support us. I can see that now. But at the time I was blinded by what my mind was telling me, because that's what it was something in my mind twisting the truth. Having the girls to look after everyday kept me afloat if not I think I could have been your classic lay in a dark room all day depressive. But of course I wasn't depressed. I didn't think so.

Like I said there were different sides of this and unfortunately I have to express them to you. Only that way you can get an understanding of what my head must have been like, only I now can understand myself after I've read what I've wrote and I lived it. Anyway back to topic. So I had done the whole waking up, sad desperation wishing I had Tom staying home. And yes I have had the paranoia where I was scared he was going to leave me, the hundreds of texts I sent just to check if we were okay. Yes I was a  nightmare I know but don't tell me you ladies haven't done something similar depression, anxiety  ect or not. But anyway the paranoia speaks for itself not much to say on  that. Evening would come around I would feed the girls and bath them  by myself, when I was lucky Tom would be home to just make bath time but that weren't often, of course that weren't his fault it was depending on what time work finished and the bloody traffic on the m25 (shitty road). Now incase you haven't gathered by now, my third post, my mind wasn't of normal thinking. Yes that's right you guessed it. He was in the wrong. My blood boiling, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of escaping me (wouldn't have blamed him) must have been running through his head. I am clever I noticed it. By now I had rehearsed my argument 5 times in my head already. By the time that car pulled up I was all fired up and ready to go! Of course silent treatment HAD to occur first (I'm still a woman), he needed to know something was wrong though by now he was probably expecting it. You know weirdly when my well rehearsed argument actually left my lips it made no bloody sense. What the fuck? It was perfect I had a point, he should be on his knees saying sorry (for what? who the hell knows) but he wasn't he was laughing at me  and calling out my shit points. Of course that would end up with me going well into one storming about and locking myself in bathroom after slamming the door pretending to go for the longest wee in history. These matters would resolve themselves but they would soon reoccur.

Of course there was a happier side to my mind! Like I said I was very easy to make happy too. I lived for children and something else, the weekends! We were all together, as a family. The man I had missed so terribly all week was home I was going to make the most of them days. We would just make little trips to Asda to get Bellas jars, or just to browse round but to me it would be the most special time. It would make me smile so much. And I would be so content. I loved it when  we were all together. On a really good weekend when we had the money, Id get my eyebrows done, I would get replacement leggings, you girls will know the hassle with the holes that primark leggings ALWAYS produce. Now these days I would be ecstatic. No I weren't going anywhere fancy, no I weren't buying the next designer thing, but I was with the people I cared about the most  and I was treating myself to a little something. Could you imagine what I was like if we went out for a meal I was like a child hyped up of thousands of sweets. Like I said it didn't take a lot to set of that smile, just like it didn't take a lot to set off them tears  and the rage.

There were so many days I thought Tommy was going to throw in the towel, and he probably did think about it once or twice or even more. But he never did. He is still by my side, I think I still take him a bit for granted but writing it out like this really opens my eyes. I don't think I could have stuck it out with me like that so I really see clearly how lucky I am, Tommy is my rock I love him dearly and he is always there for me. Thank you Tom. Thank you so much.

This like my other two posts is only a part of my story, I hope you stick with me so I can take you through my journey, maybe even for some of you to relate too. My inbox (twitter) is always there.

Look out for my mind and me part 4 next week.

Thanks for reading

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Changes Children Bring

10 Things Children Change

 

 

So this morning as I am sitting there eating my poor excuse of a breakfast when I took the opportunity to think, as a mum you have to grab 5 minuets where you can. I thought about the little things you don't usually realise day to day.

 

Breakfast - Ahh the most important meal of the day. I remember the days of fresh hot toast burning tea and cereal that still holds a crunch that you can have when you want and at your leisure. These days I have to eat at the crack of dawn, and it takes me so long to eat it I have to put up with cold floppy toast, cement like porridge, soggy cereal and luke warm tea. But hey its the most important meal of the day so I got to eat it right?

 

 

Toileting - You can bet your life whether it be a number one 1 or number 2 you will have an audience that's  of course if you haven't sprinted to the toilet and shut the door before the audience have got seated. In this case you will stay there for as long as possible this is your quiet place now. Gone are the days of a peaceful wee with the door open! Toilets used to be a place you couldn't get out of quick enough now you stay in there an extra ten minuets.

 

 

Possessions - It used to be that all your things would stay neatly in one place. You would know exactly where everything was. Now that is no longer the case, your possessions are no longer yours and yours only and you no longer know where  things are, its a game of hide and seek whenever you need anything, and chances are whatever it is, it will be jam covered when  you find it.

 

 

Laying Down - Now as silly as this one sounds I can't be the only one. Laying down used to be a relaxing time where you could gather your thoughts. Not anymore mummy dear. You become a human trampoline and a target for BUNDLE. And I don't know what your thoughts are but a child can sniff out and relaxed adult lying down from miles away.

 

 

Phone - You remember a time when your mobile phone would be pristine. No scratches, no cracks and perfectly clean, and the only apps it would have where those of social media and necessities. Yes ladies and gentleman this is not sacred either. Get used to scratched up phones broken screens (you will be getting them fixed every week this costs a fortune) sticky buttons and every cbeebies app going!

 

 

Food - Remember sitting down with a nice plate of dinner thinking how on earth am I going to eat all that? Well guess what that is not an issue for me any more. You can guarantee no matter how much my children have ate no matter how much of their dinner has gone you can bet your life there will always be room for mine.

 

 

Talking to yourself - Okay so yeah this does sound like a weird one, but that's only because you never noticed it before. In everyday life you make little comments to yourself, little statements and you never really notice it. But believe me with a child you do, they listen to everything, they can hear you and once they do a thousand questions will be put at you about the most pointless statement you said to yourself. But they don't care how pointless it was, they will carry on leading you to feeling like you are be interrogated.

 

 

Sitting of the sofa - Hard day? sit back relax on your sofa it looks like a cloud of pure softness ready for your bum to take the plunge, that is until OUCH. Yep you have probably just sat on a Barbie,  building block, toy car ect. you get my point you can no longer just kick back with out inspecting your seating first.

 

 

Drinks - You know 5 years ago I would pour myself out a drink and there would be wastage where I hadn't drunk it all. These days I don't have that problem but jheez kids I would like some. Turns out when there are children  around you cannot turn your back on your drink for 5 minuets, chances are if you do it won't be there when you look back.

 

Eating Chocolate - Chocolate bar? Just make sure you eat it in the other room or behind a book or something. Believe me if they catch you, you will be in big trouble, eating chocolate without them how dare you? you will then be obliged to give them the rest.

 

 

 

Fair to say kids change a lot! Nothing will ever be the same again but personally I wouldn't have it any other way, what are a few alterations in my life when I am privileged to have two girls as awesome as mine!

 

Until next time

 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

 

 



Our Time At Bucklebury Farm

 

Review For Bucklebury Farm Park

 

 

 

This time last week we were gearing up for an spectacular Sunday at Bucklebury Farm Park. We were going to submerge ourselves into farm antics getting up close and personal with all the farmyard animals. Having children that are keen animal lovers I knew that they were going to have the time of their lives. Like everyone before a day out we had to prepare, though we thought sod it to preparing food we don't do it very often so we was going to have the full shebang and eat there too. However we made sure we had change in our pockets for a car parking fee as we had been in the no money for car parking situation too many times. We had to have double the change as going on this outing was myself, Tommy, the two girls, Katie and my father in law so obviously we would need to take two cars, corr parking was going to be tight. Would there be enough spaces? 

You know what I hate? I hate farms that are like in the centre of everything, you know right next to town, I mean come on could you get more unrealistic and fake made farm than that? That's what I was gearing up for  in all honestly, but hey ho it was for my girls who cares what I wanted. We set off for the twenty minuet journey, this was the most bizarre twenty minuet journey of my life! as we were getting further and further into our journey we started getting surrounded buy more and more green, you would have thought we had travelled hours, that's what made it so surreal, how could 10 minuets ago we be in a busy city but now we are simply in the middle of nowhere. I thought I was walking into an emmerdale scene. It was beautiful. We pulled into the farm and came across a good sized car park, it was busy but had plenty of spaces, to my absolute joy the car parking was free! Typical the time we come somewhere car park prepared we don't need to,  I weren't complaining though!

Upon entering the farm I felt as though I needed my wellies on, not because it was muddy or any thing (though can imagine on a wet day it would be wise, its a farm what do expect!) but because it felt like I was on a private farm, I was expecting Zak Dingle to pop round the corner at anytime. The first thing to greet us where chickens! followed by a donkey, a great start before we paid. Getting further into the farm it was clear this was a proper working farm, stocking produce as well. When going to pay you have to walk through the little farm shop. The shop being smaller that expected but to be honest I later realised they don't really need one! It is clear to see that the place is more fun than all about the merchandise like usual places like this. The only problem I would say is its a bit awkward paying for tickets in the shop as it distracts the children a tad. We were lucky enough for my father in law to be treating us, I did feel guilty as looking at the place I thought it was going to cost him close to £100, for four adults and two children that's what to expect these days, delightfully it only cost him £40ish for us all. I still felt guilty as I always do when someone else paid but I didn't feel as bad.

The farm is very easy to follow, a good natural pathway that takes you from animal to animal ensuring you don't miss any! I don't know about you but I hate panicking that I'm going to miss things and constantly having to check the map to make sure I have seen it all. We had earlier bough some animal food (at reception) that costs around £0.60, bargain! This food can be used to feed all animals apart from the ponies so this was a result. The girls had a lot of fun sticking their hands through the fence, feeding the goats in particular. I know they do warn that all animals have the tendency to bite ect and of course are unpredictable, but all the animals we come across where very friendly. We went through the animal part in usain bolt style. Quick but enjoyable. It is obviously a bright idea to ensure you wash your hands after contact with the animals, but don't worry there are taps, soap and hand towels available just by the animals. We was earlier providde with a timetable of things including, egg collecting, tractor ride, animal petting ect I looked and thought I cant wait to do all these. That was until Ava found the park.

Park. You may think how standard. No. It was farm set and not typical. There were swings climbing tractors ect. Then a favourite with the kids, A wooden castle! The children would go inside and either go all the way to the top or stop half way and go down the fireman's polls. This kept Ava entertained for ages! Next to it was a sand pit which I noticed was keeping a lot of kids happy, Though Ava wanted to go on the indoor slides before lunch instead. What great fun. There where two slides in which you have to use the sac provided and two drop slides at two different heights. It looked so much fun that I wanted to go on them myself.

Lunch time!! Two choices. A posh burger van, which seemed a bit pricey, but the food did look worth it or the café, a rather posh one at that. I did think oh gosh, but actually they had affordable food on there. The sandwiches costing between £4.00 - £5.00 and the baguettes between £5.00 - £6.00 with a range of fillings to suit all. May I take the time to say how amazing the kids chicken nuggets and chips are! The portion size was plenty I could have had it, homemade and they were delicious!. They also provide the adults as kids portion with 20% off the price. All the food was fresh and well worth the £40. Yes that's right £40 for all 6 of us including drinks!. Though  if you want an after dinner coffee I wouldn't recommend it at £2 for a tiny cup I would stick to soft beverages.

We finished lunch in time for my favourite bit, the tractor ride! I don't know why I was so excited, I wasn't expecting anything special just a ride round the farm, but it just shouted fun to me. That's when the surprise really happened. The tractor ride took us into a who new bit of the farm, big green beautiful fields with stunning views and deer sitting in the middle. To my delight that was were the tractor was taking us. The tractor man who by the was very knowledgeable and taught us a lot (I was very impressed) Gave us buckets of food to feed the deer with. The deer came up close to the tractor and where such lovely animals. It was an experience I would love to have again.

What could we do next, well, that's where I get on to the range of activities we did next. Provided was a big bouncy pillow thing, I don't know what I was but it was a hell of a lot of fun, little peddle go karts and some bikes in a separate area for the little ones, two goals and footballs provided and a play bus, which by the way was brilliant, a bus converted into a soft play. We had the best afternoon playing on all these things. Yes I did say we us adults to joined in. There was also a tire swing, zip wire and assault course. To be honest I thought you would have to pay extra for all these bits but you didn't which makes it even more perfect. I honestly felt like I had relived my childhood, I didn't want the day to end. No I didn't do as much on the timetable as I would of liked to but that's for another day, I was too busy having fun elsewhere. I also noticed an area in which you can take picnics if you don't wish to buy food. After a quick trip to the shop for Ava it was time for us to sadly set off home with two knackered children and rather worn out adults!

If your looking for some affordable fun this summer then I would defiantly recommend Bucklebury Farm park. Its got beautiful scenery, friendly staff whom I cant fault and fun for everyone. I give it a thumbs up and five stars. Bucklebury Farm I look forward to seeing you again soon.

Until next time our lovely readers

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

 

A Moan From A mum

As a parent you go through so many emotions and so many selfies for that matter. Now come on lets be honest these selfies portray such a shit image of life as a parent. Yeah they are all happy and sweet and cute, but come on realistic? No. Don't get me wrong it is like that..some days okay they are more often than not, but come on I cant be the only one who has such rubbish days that by the end of it I want to stick my head in a blender, now do people selfie them days? No.

This morning looked so promising, I woke up surprisingly un tired, which for me is a rarity. I'm usually walking around half asleep like a zombie at 9 o clock seriously, if you visited at that time you would feel like your on the set of the walking dead. But anyway lets get back to this morning and like I said I was feeling pretty good, I had to check the date because I thought I had been asleep for a whole three months. I felt that damn good. For a woman whom mother nature is calling I was pleasantly surprised, once the shock had worn off I started to get on with my day.

I like to have a look around the house before I start the day, lets be honest I knew the day was gonna be utter rubbish when I saw the flat was an absolute bomb site! I just closed my eyes took a breath and took myself slowly into see the girls. To be real I saw their sweet little smiles and they melted my stress. With that breakfast was next on the agenda as always. I set about making different breakfast for all of us. Ahh. I bit my lip swallowed the stress and got on with it, the girls needed food. It weren't their fault that they fancied different. But like come on it took me that long that when I sat down to eat my blooming toast it was stone cold and floppy! Come on. Really. Meanwhile I was still staring at the pig sty that sort of looked like my home. I had to tidy. Of course I had to I am Mum, cleaner, cook, launderette, ironing lady ... well the list is endless. But I am on my shitty period for crying out loud! I just want to curl up with a big bar of galaxy. (I have finished sulking). One puts herself in cleaning mode and now I'm thinking great I can recruit a little assistant, Ava. Like come on they are toys spread all over the living room floor, surely she will be all up for helping her mummy. I don't know if any of you have experienced I child that is dead against the idea of tidying up but if you haven't its like Godzilla has been unleashed. I had now started a battle which I was now aware was going to last hours. On my side of the tidying up, well that was almost non existent, I had  my little Bella perched on my hip, her bum seemed to be super glued there too. To be honest that I didn't mind. Made me feel wanted and with Bella at the age where she was always on the go I was grabbing cuddles where I could. But you know things had to be done, so along came one handed super mum. By this time I was well into a screaming match with my teenage wannabe 4 year old. No the tidying hadn't been done. But yes we had, had more arguments in half an hour than big  brother had, had in a series. Not to mention time is getting on and Bella is getting ratty! On the brighter side the living room was now gleaming. No Ava did mot cave, I did. Ava 1 - 0 Mummy. My clothes  are now finally on. The girls have been playing nicely. WOO. Nah ah. The bedrooms were well they weren't bedrooms they were toy pits. Ava time to tidy! This was not going to go down well. So now I am trying to do my make up one handed Bella in one arm make up in the other, I have one flip flop  on because the other one had seemed to have grown a pair of legs and my little teenager is gearing up for round 2. VICTORY. My make up is on, yeah its patchy as fuck but its made the face and at this point I really don't care plus I am still trying to get my 4 year old to tidy not good. This leads on to my next disaster, I thought lets guide Ava too her room, surely with it staring her in the face she will want to tidy it but apparently kids can stand mess more than us adults. Did I make it as far as the bedroom. No. What I did do was trip into a wall and stub my toe. OHHHHHH THE PAIN. I needed to go to A&E. It was broken. Okay, okay no it wasn't but it bloody felt like it. A stubbed toe is NOT for the faint hearted. Though my injury had its upside, its seems my hurting stops arguments and makes Ava tidy. Who would have thought it. Note to self, in future when needed to avoid toddler arguments and needing the to tidy their mess just injure myself, don't care how. As long as I'm in freaking pain. Ava 1 - 1 Mummy.  

Do you know what she did after she had tidied and my throbbing toe and shrunk back to normal size and after I had prayed to god to ease my day. She smiled. Simply smiled. No Ava don't do that. That's the bloody worst. It makes my heart melt. It makes me forget, the courage I had built up to confiscate toys, treats ect as punishment. It reminds me that no matter how testing a morning I have had as mummy. I am lucky. I would rather be pulling my hair out over my children than pulling my Hair out because I don't have them.

I love you both my little sunshines.

Thanks for listening to my little moan!!

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

My Mind And Me - Stuck In a Rut

Stuck In A Rut

I suppose you can say my mind was like a round about going round and round 24/7 and never being able to stop. It was all these different emotions taking a ride on that round about. They were all taking a ride at once, leaving me confused. How was I meant to know how to feel when  all these feelings and emotions all wanted to ride at once. The best I could do was stick a big 'out of order' sign on my mental round about, being emotionless was better than being confused...surely?

The problem is I struggle, I struggle big time with keeping a lid on my emotions, so every now and then I would let a little out, and it would come out big time, I guess they don't like being kept to the back of my mind that much. I would erupt, that of course caused strain and a lot of it. Endless arguments, endless crying and the low times became more frequent,. Now I can see that they were  down times but at the time, I was just simply upset. I do often think how Tom must have felt at that time, I mean I wasn't easy to live with, though I couldn't see that then. He must have felt so helpless, so confused as to why I had changed, why my moods have changed. At the time I expected him to understand, I couldn't fathom why he couldn't understand, but I didn't understand so how could he? Its all well and good when you look back on it eh. I can see it all clearly now, but back then it was all so cloudy.

Day after day sitting in my mothers home abiding by her rules, and rightly so it was her house, but I shouldn't have been there I was engaged with two children I should have had my own roof. God that got me down. With every rule I would get more and more aggravated more irritated, then arguments would start and I would text Tom interrupting him at work to have a good moan. Oh and then there would be the daily look on right move that would be fuelled by the daily argument. That was meant to pick me up, but it got me more down as I looked at the distant dream of moving into my own place. I would actually look at pictures of each property and picture myself living in them, and for a brief moment I was lifted out of the lowness and I was happy. The come down was massive as I realised the reality...I was still unable to provide my own home for my two children.  

I wanted someone to ask me how I was feeling because surely it was obvious that I weren't quite right. Someone getting that angry that annoyed easy was somewhat out of the ordinary. But no one did, I don't know if it was because they were unsure or didn't know how to approach me. That actually crossed my mind, but after these round about days I just wanted a cuddle. The empathy I may have had that people maybe didn't know how to approach me had gone, and I raged up as usual. I used to get so annoyed that no one was offering to cuddle me I would go off again, push people away. Push Tom away. He would offer his arm of comfort, when I was already upset over not having comfort, but in my head then it was too late. I find myself now telling myself, 'how was he supposed to know? you never said, he's not a mind reader, shut up and stop being a complete bitch'. But I know I couldn't help it, in my head back then I just felt rejected. I weren't, but I felt it How was that possible? It jut was on them down days.

This was becoming a daily occurrence. As you can imagine it was very draining. I was in a mental confusion. You would think I would have realised something wasn't quite right, but no. DENIAL was still  settled within me. Looking back I'm in shock that I thought nothing was wrong.

My mind and me continues next week


Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx