Being Organised For Occasions

I am the first to admit that I am crazily organised and abit OCD. If I am not organised, got peoples birthday gifts in advance or Christmas then it panics me a lot. I am totally opposite to my mother who literally writes out a birthday card the night before or on the same day which that would totally worry me. Most of my family birthdays are over but I have got Bethany birthday in October, Ava and Bella Birthdays are both in December then we have Christmas. I have got a gift bag full of pressies for Beth and then her main pressie is for me and her to go to see a show in London, which she knows about as I wanted to make sure I booked the show she would love to see. Luckily we have the same taste so I am waiting to book that nearer the time as it depends on dates/times as Tommy would have to look after the girls. So its just her birthday card and maybe a little few bits more that I have got to get her but I'm 70% done.

On 6th December it is Ava's 4th Birthday and then on the 19th December it is Bella 1st Birthday so this excites me ALOT. Obviously with Christmas being only a week after Bella birthday so I will probably just split the pressies in half. Depending on where they are living at that time aswel as if they was living just as a family of 4 then I will be able to buy items for their bedrooms ect. I really cannot wait for Bella's first birthday and Ava's 4th birthday of course. I really hope they are living as a 4 of them by that time so they can have a amazing joint birthday party.

Last week I was shopping in Camberley and got two items for Ava in The Entertainer but when I come home I thought that I will put those two items in a big bag for life kinda bag and just start collecting items whenever I am out and see something. Last year I done a Peppa Pig gift themed for Ava's birthday and for Christmas I done Ava an Frozen gift themed which I actually enjoyed doing because I made a DIY Frozen Hamper full of lots of goodies and she loves it. So this year for her Birthday I am doing a Doc McStuffins gift themed and have collected 6 items so far which have been put into a bag and stored in the spare room so whenever I buy something I can just put into the bag. Also for Bella I have got another bag for her and so far have only got one item which is an really lovely book but I need to start getting bits for her. I know I want to get something from Cath Kidston for both of the girls as I done it last year so I want to start making it an tradition and I have already picked out bits I think the girls will love from good old Cath. Luckily Beth is going to tell me things she knows the girls will want and love and is going to tell me so that I know at least I will get them stuff they both love. Me and Beth have similar taste for the girls actually so I know whatever clothes I buy they will wear. I've got my eye on some clothes from H&M, some Doc McStuffins items from Smyths Toys, Cath Kidston and Also TK MAXX do some good items but you have to get it when it there otherwise If you wait and go back days later, there is like 99% chance the item has gone but that is what I like about TK MAXX, its more limited addition in a way that not many are sold if that makes sense. 

For me if I am not organised then it is a massive worry and with all my illnesses, I don't need anymore worry. I have a box that I keep under my bed which I have Christmas supplies like cards, wrapping paper, tags ect and I always buy that in the January sales as I cannot stand shopping anytime in December. Also in my wardrobe I have a storage box which is basically full of tissue paper, gift wrap, spare cards, random gifts, gift bags and it's so handy. I like to have things like that because there will always be a birthday my Mother has forgotten about and needs a card or gift bag asap.

So now my to buy list for this month is a Card for Bethany so I may Funky Pigeon it or shop around for one as I saw some lovely ones in Marks and Spencers the other day. Also cards for the girls, which I will get Funky Pigeon personalised ones but also a Doc McStuffins one for Ava to go with her Doc Mcstuffins gift theme hahah. Is anyone else super organised like me or do you leave it to the last minute?

Love Katie xx

Holding On Or Letting Go

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In May I was happy and by July that all ended. I fell for someone that had zero intention of getting into an relationship and even though I knew that, I let myself fall. Weirdly this has been awful and so hard to "move on/get over". This person I have known since I was 17 years old so I have been friends with him for over 6 years. The moment I met him I fell for him and I had feelings straight away but I was young, stubborn and stupid enough to ignore these feelings. Years went by but the feelings didn't go. Last year I finally grew a pair and told him the truth about how I felt but it was too late, He got into an relationship. I felt stupid and wished I told him years ago. Then end of last year he was single, we met up but it didn't feel right. It felt awkward but weirdly my feelings still didn't stop but we stopped speaking to each other.

Forward to beginning of this year.. We started speaking again just as friends. I knew straight away that I just wanted to be with him, I was fed up with my life in general and didn't want to waste anymore time. He was open and honest about how he felt and what he wanted and maybe I should of walked away till he fully is ready but for a girl who had these feelings for many of years, its not easy. We started meeting up and I felt so good, I felt like it was an escape from normal life and being with him I felt happy which I didn't feel for a long time. Maybe I got too deep quickly or let myself fall hard and acted stupid. To cut a long story short at the beginning of July we stopped speaking/seeing. It was hard, depressing and weird. Someone who I have always had to text for 6 years suddenly wasn't there to talk to. To be honest he didn't handle things well and even though it never turned nasty, I just felt anger. Anger towards him, angry at how he knew how I felt yet totally ignored that, angry for letting myself fall deep for him and generally angry at him for making me sad. I don't know why I was more upset about this more than the way I felt being heartbroken by my first love. I think because now I'm older grown up and just want to settle down and be happy. Me and this guy stopped all contact and I feel nothing but anger towards him. Of course my feelings haven't stopped and I wish I could turn it off like a tap.

The past month or so has been a massive struggle for me. In my health, family and just in general and this hasn't made it any easier. With me being at home constantly, it allows me to overthink so much and it drives me crazy. Beth has been amazing throughout all of this and has made me see a lot of sense which I am grateful for.

I never asked for marriage, for kids, for anything serious quick, I simply asked for honesty and to be happy. I promised him I will always try my best to make him happy as a friend or whatever. Recently we have spoken, just general and suddenly I felt like I was back at square one. I have been trying to put him at the back of my mind and I was doing fine but all of a sudden that changed. I am not saying I want him back ASAP but I would just love to have the chance to try. I hate that now days people just give up so easily and you hardly see couples try and work things out. Life isn't easy and we all have our own battles so we should try and help each other, make things work and fix things that are broken not just throw them away. I would love to be with him I am not going to lie to myself anymore but I am putting myself first. Something that I have never done before with any guy. Maybe we are not meant to be or maybe we are meant to be. Who knows. 

No one can predict the future but sometimes I just wish I knew some parts of the future so I can feel happy. I have to continue in getting myself better, better in a way that I can be sure that I will and can be fine alone. Being in love/relationship/happy is something we are need and wish for. If you don't love yourself then no one will love you, I truly believe that. I have depression badly  that is making a massive impact to my life. I am saying things I wouldn't say, I am doing things I never would, I am feeling and thinking stuff that I wouldn't feel if I wasn't depressed. I want a relationship and kids in the future of course, but right now I am putting myself first which is weirdly a good feeling. If I am better then I can make/say/do better things. I know my chronic illnesses won't ever disappear but I know my depression can. I constantly think is he the one, isn't he the one, was it meant to happen so we can go back, was it meant to happen because we are not meant to be, are we going to have a second chance or is that is. I feel like I have wasted so many years having feelings for someone for it to just mess up in a couple of months.

6/7 years of having feelings for someone is a weird feeling in itself. Especially as most of those years I thought we would never even meet up or see each other again so it was almost like I lost him. Whatever happens between us then I know I am going to be fine... I think. If it is meant to be then it will happen when its meant to but for now I am putting him in my heart as he isn't in my life. Life is weird, men are weird hahahaha!!!!!


Love Katie xx

The Guilt & Fear Of A Chornic Illness

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Lately I have been feeling guilt. Guilt for being Chronically Ill. Guilt for not being able to help/work/do general task. I had a major think and had a massive rant on my personal Facebook about it. I have never said on my personal Facebook about my illnesses so it almost felt good to "get it out". Obviously a few people on my Facebook know but about 95% don't. Although I am not one of those people who treats Facebook like a personal diary/put my whole life on there but I felt like I was trying to cover up/act normal so people wouldn't treat me any different. My own Father doesn't really know everything, we don't have a good relationship but when we do speak I choose to just say "I'm Fine".

Guilt is a horrible emotion because I know I can't control this feeling and can't control my illnesses. I wish I could have a normal 9 to 5 job to be able to treat my family to things and to just have a normal day to day routine, I wish I didn't feel the need to hide the fact I am ill to my family, I wish my family would actually take time on reading up on my illnesses to understand and I wish they wouldn't call me "lazy". I have as much guilt about my illnesses as it is so I don't need added on guilt from my family. One person who has literally never judge, commented, called me lazy and constantly is always on the other end on the phone when I need her is Beth. She has IBS so we kind of have similar symptoms which helps her to understand but even if she didn't have IBS I think she would of still understood and been amazing like she is. When I am in Essex staying with Beth, she always ask how I am, makes me toast, makes sure I have a drink for my morning/night medication and if I need to sit down she doesn't call me lazy like most people do.

I have an major fear that I won't be able to play or pick up my nieces. Of course I am in pain constantly but it's bearable at the moment but I know one day the pain will limit the stuff I am able to do now which scares me. Ava knows I have a bad back and she is very good at knowing not to jump on it ect and she is really caring but I don't want her to think that means I can't be the playful fun auntie. I am a "Hands On" Auntie and I always will be. I will not let my illnesses stop being that kind of Auntie. Being with Ava & Bella makes me happy and that sometimes makes the pain easier to deal with.

The fear of having major surgery on my bowels scares me. I have had many of operations in my life but I know what operations people with Colitis have and it bloody scares me. I'm not good when I wake up from any operation and I have a massive panic attack soon as I am woken up so that alone scares me.

The fear of not being able to do things for myself. I mean normal things such as clean, wash, do my make up, dress myself if that makes sense. We all know what Arthritis in the Spine will do in years to come but there isn't a time period of when that time will come. It could be tomorrow or in another 20 odd years. I am independent as it is so this fear is probably the worse out of the fears I have. Everyday or at least I try to everyday, I make sure I always at least put some make up/look decent enough because that alone helps me ALOT, even if I am in my PJ's but having my make up and hair ok does make me feel good. So if I wasn't able to do that I would feel bloody awful and that scares me a lot. IF there was one person I would have "Helping" me would be Bethany to be honest hahaha.

Obviously I have every day to day little fears such as

- Running out of my medication
- Not being able to see the doctor I want to
- Not getting an GP appointment when I need it
- Having a flare up when I am out
- Getting an allergic reaction to one of my medication
- Vomiting
- Being on the train (to Essex) and my back going
- Worrying about eating foods

Those are just a few of the fears I have daily and because I have anxiety I think I make it seems worse than it is sometimes. Beth does reassure me LOTS and sometimes I do need abit of telling if that makes sense. Like Beth will just say YOU WILL BE FINE and sometimes that helps a lot. 

I never realised that guilt and fear would be part of my day to day life. Sometimes it literally makes me so bad that I find myself saying sorry. Sorry for being ill, sorry for not being able to be normal and sorry to all my family.

If anyone reading this has Colitis or any chronic illness, I'd be so grateful if you would get in contact with me. I haven't got any friends or know anyone with an illness that has a massive impact to their life. I'd love to talk to someone who will totally related. Our Twitter is @essextowindsor Our Instagram is essextowindsor and our email is essextowindsor@outlook.com :)

Love Katie xx

A cot saga!

After Bella outgrew her MosesBasket we out her in a swing crib that has been passed down the family a sort of "family airloom" it was perfect and going great until she started to move around more. She's a very active baby, more active than Ava, as Ava was still able to be in it at this age. 

Recently she had started standing up in it and with the edge of the swing crib coming up to her waist it was becoming very dangerous. Sunday morning the danger came to a head when Bella flipped herself of the edge, luckily I caught her but it was way too close to home. I decided there and then that, that was it its time for a cot and I would be getting one that day. 

We decided that we would try mother care, tho I am not a huge fan as I find them way too over priced for things you can get cheaper else where. We looked around and come to the conclusion that we could only get a very basic small cot as we would obviously have to buy a mattress and the prices for them are quite high considering your buying the cot aswell. 

Well we had decided on the cot but wanted to purchase and get advice on mattress sizes types ect. So we had stood there waiting to speak to someone and looking at the cot, I mean they usually and should come up and ask if they can help well safe to say they didn't. 

Instead a group of about 5 sales assistants stood in the middle of the shop having a chat like they was on a break or waiting for a bus. A couple of them actually looked at us a couple of time but decided having a social catch up in working hours was a better option than helping customers. By doing this they allowed Tommy to search for different cots on his phone which he did and found a better a deal at smyths toys shop. After having enough of the shocking customer service at the Thurrock retail park mother care store, and a better deal found elsewhere we got out of there like a shot. Luckily and unfortunately for them smthys was five mins away so that's where we decided to go. So thanks to the staff at this mothercare store putting their social needs first during work hours mothercare have lost a sale. 

A happier time of the day was getting into smyths and realise they had this certain cot in and the deal of cot and mattress ( and yes it is a decent nice good mattress ) for £99.99 was still on. Went in there and purchased it straight away. The staff there asked if they could help as soon as we showed interest in the item. He also then went and got the item straight away all this took under 10 mins. The young lady at the checkout was also very polite offering someone to help us out taking the item to the car which we did not need but the offer was lovely. The staff where polite efficient and quick and theprices where great. 

I had then decided that I needed to dress the cot. I took myself to asda living to have a look at their red kite range. I remember having the mobile when Ava was a baby and I LOVED it. I remember for a three peice bumper set in mothercare the cheapest I could find I store was around £40. 

I found in asda (red kite range) a 5 piece the size of a cot bed bumper set for just under £30 I got in that a 

Bumper

Fitted sheet 

Non fitted sheet 

Blanket 

Fleece blanket 

I also found the mobile I had when Ava was a baby which costs only £11 with batteries. It's good quality too. So All together it was about £41, the price of a three piece bumper set in mothercare. So safe to say I got more for my money. 

In returning home Tommy put the cot up. It was easy to assemble and took him 10 mins. I then put on the bedding and bumper. It looks lovely so pretty and girly and Bella loves it. 

She finds the mattress so comfy she's slept in it longer and napped in it longer she looks so comfy! 

I am very happy with the combination of purchases from smyths and asda living.

I think if I was a first time mum I would have stuck it out at mothercare as you don't realise that other places sell these things and you think mothercare is the only option. 

But if I'm honest you can get just as good for better money and better deals you have to shop around. I'm not going to lie and say I've never shopped in mother care because I have and if I need to get something and they are the only place that sell or have it in stock then I will go there. But as far as the bigger items are concerned, you kno the types of items you need help with, shop around. When buying these items you want help from a sales assistant who can give you all the info and more. But you just don't get it well at least you don't at the Thurrock retail park store. So if you want to go to mothercare I do not recommend this store as they obviously prefer you to "self help" 

If you want to go to one in Essex I say the Romford store is a better option... They may be more but these are the only two I've visited. 

However on a better happier and lighter note smyths toy shop is the place to go they have affordable prices, sell practically everything and their staff are very friendly! 

LotsOfLove

Beth...xxx

Auntie Buys: Doc McStuffins Dress Up

Doc Mcstuffins Dress Up Set - £19.99

Last Thursday, I went to Essex for the weekend and we all had the best time ever. I treated the girls and Beth as I don't see them often. On Saturday went we went to Smyths and Ava picked up this Doc Mcstuffins dress up set and she wanted to wear it soon as we got home. On Sunday she woken up and first words she said to me was "I want to be Doc McStuffins today not Ava Price" this was at 7am haha. So she had her breakfast and then got dressed into Doc with new jeggings from Asda I got her the previous day. Bethany done Ava's hair like Doc McStuffins aswel as which I forgot to take a picture of. We had to refer her to Doc not Ava and she insisted on wearing this out for the day.

At first she picked up the cheaper dress up set which was £16.99 but that didn't had any accessories with it and was more of a fleece thin material so for the extra £3 I thought this one was better quality. The accessories with it are proper which I prefer as they won't break easy like the other thin cheap ones do.


I love how Ava is now getting into Doc because there is only so much frozen and peppa pig stuff you can get them haha!! This means for her Birthday and Christmas, we can buy some Doc McStuffins items and dress up costumes ect. Seeing Ava play dress up and pretending to be a Doctor is so adorable. She gets proper into the act and it just makes me realise how grown up she is getting. I'm really enjoying this "Auntie Buys" blog posts as I love buying for the girls and sharing with you all. I have some coming up which include the items I brought for the girls over the weekend in Essex. Just got to write them and fingers crossed my back will allow me to write a few tomorrow.

Love Katie

Katie's Health Update #8

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My last health update was in June HERE... I'm really failing with these being every month but lately I haven't had much to update you all on with any of my illnesses. So I thought I would just give a brief update on all of my illnesses.


COLITIS
This has been bad since March and it hasn't really settled down. I have my Consultant on 21st August so not long. I am actually pretty nervous about my appointment as last time I didn't get much answers and basically was told to keep on the Asacol medication. so this time I am due to have Coloscopy which I had in January but I saw a different consultant last time who told me something different so who knows. My flare ups are getting more frequent and painful and have lost two stone since being diagnosed with Colitis so it would be nice to have some more answers. I have got a appointment with a Dietician type doctor who can hopefully help with coming up with a food plan.

ARTHRIST
I've got to the point of accepting this won't get better but there are ways of making it less painful. Since I have started Gabapentin, I have been in less pain.. obviously nothing is going to get rid of the pain completely but this has helped. I am getting the side effects of this drug badly though which have been making me clumsy, unsteady and feeling dizzy. I have been put on Cyclizine which are anti sickness tablets as the Tramadol I take have been making me very nausea which was making me not want to eat or move so these tablets have helped a lot.

DEPRESSION/ANXIETY/PANIC ATTACKS
I'm still on 150mg Sertraline and it has made my good really good but my bad really bad so I guess you cannot win either way. I have been referred to Therapy which I was certain I didn't want to do again but after talking to my GP, I felt like now is the right time to see if Therapy will help. My Anxiety hasn't been good in the past few months to be honest and also because I now get anxious about a Colitis flare up when I am in public so it's abit all over the place. As for my Panic Attacks, they are getting better but I don't go out often for a attack to happen so that mainly the reason why I haven't had a bad panic attack in ages. I've been having like little panic attacks at home relating to my health like what if I run out of medication, what if I can't get a GP appointment or what if I forget to take my medication and I know I can't really control that.

OTHER
I have been having neck, wrist and hip pains which are all connected to my Arthritis. Headaches have been another thing that has been really getting to me lately, I think it might be the mixture of my medication to be honest. My Fatigue has been the biggest struggle of all since my last health update, it hits me at random times even when I feel alert I will just need to sit down. I have finally gotten into a better routine of sleeping as I was getting Insomnia but thank god (touch wood) it has gone. I am now going to bed between 10/12pm and waking up at 7/8am.. and I am literally awake at the same time every single morning and cannot go back to sleep which does mean by lunch time I am totally knackered but I'd rather have that routine than the Insomnia which made me sleep till late in the day.

Apart from my Consultant on 21st August I have one GP appointment which is a double one so its an medication, depression, illnesses and general update. I am really grateful I have an amazing GP and also a few family members who are supportive, understanding and helpful. Of course I still have the odd family negative comments, the down days, the flare up days, the depressed day ect but I am trying to put on a smile and try and make effort by getting dressed and ready each day just to make me feel abit better in myself. I shall do an update after I go to my Consultant, so lets hope I bloody get some answers this time.

Love Katie xx

Katies Hair Transformation By Beth

So at the weekend, I was in Essex and Bethany done a massive change to my hair.

I have always had long hair and because of one horrible haircut experience at 16, I feared to have nothing more than just a trim. I am naturally a blonde but have been dyeing it dark since I was 13 years old. Two years ago I made a decision to stop dyeing my hair and just see how it goes.. two years down the line it was time to get some colour on it. Over the past few months my hair has been getting so lighter but only on the top so my hair was really looking abit lifeless and I knew that I needed to have a hair transformation in order for my hair to be and look healthy. I have always kept my hair in good condition, with always using heat protector, hair mask and generally keep away from using heat tools so the condition of my hair is good, its just the colour and length was looking horrible. With loosing weight, I felt like I needed a hair change and knowing I can trust Bethany with my hair, it was time to change.

Bethany is an amazing hairdresser and also my sister in law so I knew she would do a brilliant job and I wasn't wrong. I literally said to Beth "Right I want my hair shorter, coloured to make it look more healthy, to be easier to manage and long enough so I can at least bung it up in a bun" and she didn't disappoint me. We planned to order the proper professional colours but we didn't have time so we went to Boots last Friday in Lakeside and I went for more darker than I imagine. With the help of Beth, well I mean Beth basically made sure I picked the right colour as knowing me if she wasn't there, I would of picked up a awful colour haha. So I went for L'Oreal Paris Preference 4.15 Iced Chocolate which I can't find on Boots online but they have it here in another colour. It was two for £11 so I obviously got two as we knew we would need two box dyes.

Beth did tell me that with box dyes, it never comes out how it looks on the box so just to prepare me for it to come out abit difference. Beth started the long process on Saturday about 4/5ish pm and was finished at 9.30pm so I am so thankful to Beth. Literally I went to the Salon I don't think I would of coped, I had to get a cushion for my back, got up/down and Beth was so understanding.

 

 

During the week, I had in mind that I was just going to colour my hair basically the same colour as it was but just to make it look more refreshed so I was looking towards the medium brown shade but when we went to Boots I changed me mind. Iced Chocolate seemed more interesting that just medium brown, I thought if I'm going to hair a transformation then I might aswel have a different interesting colour.

 

This was before... I didn't realise how long it was before to be honest until I saw this picture! You cannot really tell by this picture but my hair was more darker at the ends and then lighter at the top.

 

Look at all this hair!! 

 

Before and after.. This final result. I'm literally so happy with the result. The cut, the length and colour is perfect. When telling Beth how much I wanted off, I didn't really know but I was 100% certain Beth would get it right and she certainty did. It isn't too long or too short, its literally perfect length for me to still have down and still bung up when I'm not well. Beth put layers in for me which I never thought about when planning this transformation but it has made such a difference and I love it. The colour has sort of a red/brownie tint to if that makes sense which makes it looks healthy, I love it. Beth gave me a good blow dry which I wish she could do for me every morning haha.

I think the cut defiantly suits my face shape a lot better than my long hair did.

 

This was on Monday when I went out for my Granddad's Birthday and it was the first time using my GHD's with my new hair. I don't like my hair too straight so I the front of my hair more shape if that makes sense. I'm pretty sure I am saying all the wrong hair terms haha.

 

 

 

 

This was yesterday when I was used my Curlers and I was so shocked at how quick it took me! Before with my long hair I would easily of been there for about 20 mins at least and this literally took 5 mins.

 

 

Last night I washed my hair first time since Beth did on Saturday, and I was so happy that it didn't take forever to wash like it used to be. With my back it hurts to be standing there washing my hair but now its much shorter it means less time in pain. I used a hair mask so my hair is all soft and smooth. I left it to dry naturally which didn't take long at all. The other day I brought Toni And Guy Casual Rough Texturiser  as Beth purchased this last week and I loved this way her hair looked when she applied this so I thought I would give it a go and so far so good and then I also brought VO5 Give Me Texture Dry Texturizing Spray which I had used before so I knew it is good. I was becoming very lazy with my long hair and it was either up in a messy bun or in a long side plait. With having two chronic illnesses, it makes you feel like crap basically 90% of the time so making effort with my hair or makeup means a lot to me. I've gotten into a routine of getting up, cleansing my hair, applying my make up and now making effort with my hair and even if I am not going anywhere, I like to make abit of effort to make me feel abit better.

 

I have thanked Beth so many times and literally will be thanking her forever!! But I wanted to say thanks via the blog. Hair is just hair and yes it does grow back but its made a huge difference to me. I feel like my "old self", I used to have Dark/Black coloured hair when I was well and was happy so now I have dark hair again it has almost made me think back to the years I was happy old self . It is amazing how hair can make such an impact to your life. I honestly don't think I would of been brave enough to have this cut and colour if it was for Beth. She helped me pick the colour, choose the length, the layers ect and reassured me throughout every step. So thank you Bethany aka my best friend, sister In law and the best hairdresser.

 

 

Love Katie xx