My Mind And Me - Who's Me?

Who's Me ?

New place, new surroundings and new people it was all new, That obviously didn't change when it come to my health visitor. She had arranged to come round to my mine to get to know me and the children  and get together some background information. Sounded great to me as I was dreading walking into a completely new clinic where I didn't know a soul. On the day I tidied around and made the flat look as presentable as I could. My nerves where playing up big time, I was and still am surprised I didn't have a panic attack. When she arrived she seemed friendly and I instantly calmed down a lot and thought to myself ' I had nothing to worry about '. She soon went on her way after arranging her next visit.

I was buzzing for the next visit I wasn't nervous I was calm and collected. I assumed the she was going to  be the same I mean why wouldn't she? But when she arrived she acted totally different, sure she kept up her friendliness, she has to she's a health visitor  but she was so pushy and insistent, I felt my nerves coming back and I was getting anxious for her to leave, I couldn't wait for the visit to be over. It was when she made me do a depression score sheet that she was really rubbing salt into the wound, I had known her five minuets I didn't want her judging me, which is what she did. Straight after she looked at it she shoved about 101 leaflets in my lap, I mean come on that's the last thing I needed she then said I should go counselling and out came the golden  line, I could put you through the mental health team. WHAT?!? I know depression comes under that but why when I can just go to counselling would you then threaten me with that aswell, I hated them two words. Made me sound crazy and it wasn't like she polite about it either. Not only that she was pushing and pushing me to get Ava started in another nursery, as if its just as easy as that. She has just found out im a bit depressed and instead of respected my decisions she wants to push and push me into stuff. Grr. When she left I wanted to dance around the flat because I was so happy, happy at the fact she had pissed off, not happy at what she had said or the way her attitude was.

For the next few days what she said was whirling around In my head, I felt as if I was mental, with that I felt as though I didn't know myself anymore and I also wondered if I was coming across mental. I know I may have exaggerated my reaction slightly but to me it really did effect me like that, I don't know why. It got me so down. I was asking all members of my family if they thought I was mental how I come across and all sorts infact I was that annoying they probably wanted to boot me out the door. I don't think I had ever felt that disconnected from myself as I did in that week or so after she had been. The best way I can describe it is I felt like my head was split in half one side was the normal me and the other side the depressed me, I felt like both sided had separated themselves from each other. The normal side of my brain looking at the other side saying who the hell are you and the depressed side being quiet and not knowing how to answer. I was torn. Leading me not to know what to think about myself. Yes the old me was still inside somewhere but there was this massive part of me that was depressed and it was taking over me slowly, this to me alien side of me was becoming more prominent.

It did start getting too much for me and it left me saying to myself I HAVE to do something about this. If I don't then I'm going to end up too consumed by depression. My first step was getting to know it, get to know my depression, How did I do that? I sorted out the 8 week course of counselling, done by talking therapies. I knew then that once I had got to know my depression and become friends with it then I can finally figure out why it is there, that's the next step. Finding out why it was there wasn't just a why it was also to understand it because if I understood my depression then I would finally understand myself. Then step three, giving it the boot or more like supressing it because we all know you can give depression the boot but it will always come back for a visit every now and then no matter how long its been a way.

Next week I will be talking a bout step one in the journey to tackle my depression

Until next time

LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx

Challenge Two!

I haven't done a parenting blog post in a while. I thought I may let you all know how I'm getting on with two... 

Those who say having two is easy must be telling porkies! Because I can confess it is one of the most demanding and hard working parenting jobs! I love having my two girls and I love running around all day sorting out my two little princesses. But there is no point lying it does leave me knackered at the end of the day. I Spose you can say having two is tireing, demanding, hard work, joyful, rewarding and most heart warming things in the world and to be honest I wouldn't have it any other way. I love being a mummy of two! 

Particularly at the moment my 3 year old Ava's behaviour has gotten a bit worse. I think maybe at times she may be fighting for attention but sometimes this is not the reason. When you have two especially when one is so young and needs feeds and bum changes there and then when they need them it's hard for the older child to understand that the baby don't understand and the whole daily routine has to managed around the lovely new bundle. It's a good idea to keep the older child involved as much as possible, letting them help with nappy changes and feeds and letting them have cuddles as much as possible. It will help them see the new baby is not a threat but a companion. I've noticed when Ava's helping her behaviour is better, though she can still show off its not as bad. 

 I'm confident I've got the managing of Ava's jealousy behaviour changes under control and I am getting all the tips I can off of health visitors ect to manage the rest of it. She is a lovely little girl but she just puts a litttle guard up sometimes when she's upset or angry. 

 Going back to the  let the toddler help topic Ava is a good little helper always on hand to pass me nappies and wipes and to throw things in the bin ect. She has always been happy to lend her mummy a hand, ending the task with a lovely " I love you mummy " this melts my heart everytime.  I love both my girls with all my heart and there's nothing better than having my little girl helping me with my baby girl. It makes me realise that later in life I will have no worries about Ava because she will be such a loving caring young lady. 

Although Ava has felt the normal sibling rivalry with her baby sister it is clear she loves her the world and will protect her and be there for her for the rest of her life. It's also clear that Bella is fascinated with her big sister and loves her also. I know and am confident that my girls will be as thick as thieves. 

LotsOfLove 

Beth...xxx