Dear Grandad

Hey gramps,

A lots happened since you've been gone. 14 years and yet it still feels like yesterday and still I cant bare to speak about it. I'm sure you've seen  what a hectic life I've lived since but yet I've not been able to talk about any of it  with you. God there have been  so many times where I've fucked up or been down or felt alone or even been  so happy that I have wanted to come to and talk to you about it and ask for your advice. Many of times I've been alone and spoke to you out loud in the hope that maybe you can hear me. I've longed for one last cuddle, one more laugh, one more time shared. All these years there's not been a minute gone by when the longing has stopped. The milestones you've missed, my 16th 18th 21st.  My exams, my daughters birth and soon to be my wedding.
 Oh how I wold have loved to have you there through school, I went a bit off the rails you see, how I know you would have whipped me back on to the straight and narrow. It was being attacked that did to me I didn't know what to do with myself, I felt dirty and wrong. I blamed myself. My world crumbled around me I was hated and told I was lying through my teeth by many people who knew me in school. I didn't even know what had happened, I was young. The police told me what it was. Rape. I needed you. You would have known exactly how to make me feel better, even  if it was just taking my mind off things. I talked to you a lot then. Did you hear? It don't matter if you didn't. it just gave me some comfort talking to you. Anyhow that's how I ended up going off the rails a bit, smoking, drinking, dodgy crowd. I'm not proud of it, infact I'd rather forget about it. I just want to say I'm sorry. The way I acted then I can imagine you were far from proud. Before then I was the good girl you would remember, never putting a foot out of line, shy and respectful. Then after what happened I was rebellious, rude and cocky. I hated myself but I couldn't change. I didn't know how. The events had changed me, morphed me into something new. Yet all the time I just wanted to be the person you would remember. Id still feel close to you then. But she was a distant memory. I love writing to you. The trouble is I don't want to stop, but I have to go get Ava from school and get Bella ready for school. You would love them. Promise me I can chat to again? I will write to you again soon I promise.

chat soon

love you always

BO BO xxx

A letter to friends.

Dear friends,

Before I met you I was a shell with an inside full of mush. Trying to find myself in a new place with a series of change happening before my eyes. Scared and anxious of what may come my way. Stuck in a rut of routine, a routine that I'm not knocking its a routine that kept me going and kept me dealing with day to day life. Yeah I have family, a great one at that. But they weren't there with me day to day though everyday phone calls kept me sane.
 The amount of times I wished I had a "clique" sad I know, but I longed for the girly chats and the mum to mum school moans. School holiday meetings and coffee mornings. Most girls dream of fancy holidays, dinners and gifts. Me I dreamed of reigniting my social life. Social life, I used to take it for granted. Never really realised the value of friends. Sure I have Katie but I think of her more like my sister.
 When we first started talking I was sceptical. Not of any of you, in myself. I didn't think it would move past the odd talk in the playground or outside my flat. Who would want a proper friendship with me? The more we talked and the closer we got the more the mush  inside this shell of me started to harden and thicken, became more of a substance. I started to feel like me again. I started to look forward to school runs and ballet runs. Started to experience night out. I was like a butterfly emerging from its cocoon. Coffee mornings are a thing now and set me up for the day, ballet afternoons on a Thursday happen regularly. 
  I have people to go to when I'm feeling down. I don't have to put everything on one person who was usually Katie. I'm glad I haven't got to put all my problems on her and I have you girls to help me to and like wise  that I can be there as a good friend to you ladies too.
I used to take social life and friendship for granted thinking I will always have it, how wrong was I. It makes you feel human, it gives you laughs and support and well company. Thank you ladies , and here's to many years of friendship.

Beth xxx