Three Sides To Me
It was the little things that made all the difference. Sometimes in a good way and sometimes in a bad way. It didn't take much to make me happy but then it didn't take much to make me pissed off either. I supposed pissed off was a light way to describe it. More like severe dramatic over reacting fucked off. Then you had the middle of the spectrum which peered its head up every now and then but not that much. Sadness. Pure sadness. I don't mean sad in general I mean I would get sad about things, simple things, like Tommy going to work.
You know what I don't even know if it was sadness, more like pure desperation. I remember some mornings I would lay there hoping his alarm wouldn't go off so he would miss work, heck it did cross my mind to turn his alarm off. But I never did. We lived with my mum in Essex and he had to travel to Berkshire to work everyday, leaving at 5am and sometimes not returning till 7pm maybe later. So you could understand why I was so desperate to keep him at home with me, it felt like I hardly saw him during the week. I started to resent his work, and him I guess. I felt like he didn't want to be home. He did and he did want to be around me he was just doing what he could to support us. I can see that now. But at the time I was blinded by what my mind was telling me, because that's what it was something in my mind twisting the truth. Having the girls to look after everyday kept me afloat if not I think I could have been your classic lay in a dark room all day depressive. But of course I wasn't depressed. I didn't think so.
Like I said there were different sides of this and unfortunately I have to express them to you. Only that way you can get an understanding of what my head must have been like, only I now can understand myself after I've read what I've wrote and I lived it. Anyway back to topic. So I had done the whole waking up, sad desperation wishing I had Tom staying home. And yes I have had the paranoia where I was scared he was going to leave me, the hundreds of texts I sent just to check if we were okay. Yes I was a nightmare I know but don't tell me you ladies haven't done something similar depression, anxiety ect or not. But anyway the paranoia speaks for itself not much to say on that. Evening would come around I would feed the girls and bath them by myself, when I was lucky Tom would be home to just make bath time but that weren't often, of course that weren't his fault it was depending on what time work finished and the bloody traffic on the m25 (shitty road). Now incase you haven't gathered by now, my third post, my mind wasn't of normal thinking. Yes that's right you guessed it. He was in the wrong. My blood boiling, thoughts of cheating, thoughts of escaping me (wouldn't have blamed him) must have been running through his head. I am clever I noticed it. By now I had rehearsed my argument 5 times in my head already. By the time that car pulled up I was all fired up and ready to go! Of course silent treatment HAD to occur first (I'm still a woman), he needed to know something was wrong though by now he was probably expecting it. You know weirdly when my well rehearsed argument actually left my lips it made no bloody sense. What the fuck? It was perfect I had a point, he should be on his knees saying sorry (for what? who the hell knows) but he wasn't he was laughing at me and calling out my shit points. Of course that would end up with me going well into one storming about and locking myself in bathroom after slamming the door pretending to go for the longest wee in history. These matters would resolve themselves but they would soon reoccur.
Of course there was a happier side to my mind! Like I said I was very easy to make happy too. I lived for children and something else, the weekends! We were all together, as a family. The man I had missed so terribly all week was home I was going to make the most of them days. We would just make little trips to Asda to get Bellas jars, or just to browse round but to me it would be the most special time. It would make me smile so much. And I would be so content. I loved it when we were all together. On a really good weekend when we had the money, Id get my eyebrows done, I would get replacement leggings, you girls will know the hassle with the holes that primark leggings ALWAYS produce. Now these days I would be ecstatic. No I weren't going anywhere fancy, no I weren't buying the next designer thing, but I was with the people I cared about the most and I was treating myself to a little something. Could you imagine what I was like if we went out for a meal I was like a child hyped up of thousands of sweets. Like I said it didn't take a lot to set of that smile, just like it didn't take a lot to set off them tears and the rage.
There were so many days I thought Tommy was going to throw in the towel, and he probably did think about it once or twice or even more. But he never did. He is still by my side, I think I still take him a bit for granted but writing it out like this really opens my eyes. I don't think I could have stuck it out with me like that so I really see clearly how lucky I am, Tommy is my rock I love him dearly and he is always there for me. Thank you Tom. Thank you so much.
This like my other two posts is only a part of my story, I hope you stick with me so I can take you through my journey, maybe even for some of you to relate too. My inbox (twitter) is always there.
Look out for my mind and me part 4 next week.
Thanks for reading
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
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