Stuck In A Rut
I suppose you can say my mind was like a round about going round and round 24/7 and never being able to stop. It was all these different emotions taking a ride on that round about. They were all taking a ride at once, leaving me confused. How was I meant to know how to feel when all these feelings and emotions all wanted to ride at once. The best I could do was stick a big 'out of order' sign on my mental round about, being emotionless was better than being confused...surely?
The problem is I struggle, I struggle big time with keeping a lid on my emotions, so every now and then I would let a little out, and it would come out big time, I guess they don't like being kept to the back of my mind that much. I would erupt, that of course caused strain and a lot of it. Endless arguments, endless crying and the low times became more frequent,. Now I can see that they were down times but at the time, I was just simply upset. I do often think how Tom must have felt at that time, I mean I wasn't easy to live with, though I couldn't see that then. He must have felt so helpless, so confused as to why I had changed, why my moods have changed. At the time I expected him to understand, I couldn't fathom why he couldn't understand, but I didn't understand so how could he? Its all well and good when you look back on it eh. I can see it all clearly now, but back then it was all so cloudy.
Day after day sitting in my mothers home abiding by her rules, and rightly so it was her house, but I shouldn't have been there I was engaged with two children I should have had my own roof. God that got me down. With every rule I would get more and more aggravated more irritated, then arguments would start and I would text Tom interrupting him at work to have a good moan. Oh and then there would be the daily look on right move that would be fuelled by the daily argument. That was meant to pick me up, but it got me more down as I looked at the distant dream of moving into my own place. I would actually look at pictures of each property and picture myself living in them, and for a brief moment I was lifted out of the lowness and I was happy. The come down was massive as I realised the reality...I was still unable to provide my own home for my two children.
I wanted someone to ask me how I was feeling because surely it was obvious that I weren't quite right. Someone getting that angry that annoyed easy was somewhat out of the ordinary. But no one did, I don't know if it was because they were unsure or didn't know how to approach me. That actually crossed my mind, but after these round about days I just wanted a cuddle. The empathy I may have had that people maybe didn't know how to approach me had gone, and I raged up as usual. I used to get so annoyed that no one was offering to cuddle me I would go off again, push people away. Push Tom away. He would offer his arm of comfort, when I was already upset over not having comfort, but in my head then it was too late. I find myself now telling myself, 'how was he supposed to know? you never said, he's not a mind reader, shut up and stop being a complete bitch'. But I know I couldn't help it, in my head back then I just felt rejected. I weren't, but I felt it How was that possible? It jut was on them down days.
This was becoming a daily occurrence. As you can imagine it was very draining. I was in a mental confusion. You would think I would have realised something wasn't quite right, but no. DENIAL was still settled within me. Looking back I'm in shock that I thought nothing was wrong.
My mind and me continues next week
Until next time
LotsOfLove
Beth...xxx
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