Holding On Or Letting Go

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In May I was happy and by July that all ended. I fell for someone that had zero intention of getting into an relationship and even though I knew that, I let myself fall. Weirdly this has been awful and so hard to "move on/get over". This person I have known since I was 17 years old so I have been friends with him for over 6 years. The moment I met him I fell for him and I had feelings straight away but I was young, stubborn and stupid enough to ignore these feelings. Years went by but the feelings didn't go. Last year I finally grew a pair and told him the truth about how I felt but it was too late, He got into an relationship. I felt stupid and wished I told him years ago. Then end of last year he was single, we met up but it didn't feel right. It felt awkward but weirdly my feelings still didn't stop but we stopped speaking to each other.

Forward to beginning of this year.. We started speaking again just as friends. I knew straight away that I just wanted to be with him, I was fed up with my life in general and didn't want to waste anymore time. He was open and honest about how he felt and what he wanted and maybe I should of walked away till he fully is ready but for a girl who had these feelings for many of years, its not easy. We started meeting up and I felt so good, I felt like it was an escape from normal life and being with him I felt happy which I didn't feel for a long time. Maybe I got too deep quickly or let myself fall hard and acted stupid. To cut a long story short at the beginning of July we stopped speaking/seeing. It was hard, depressing and weird. Someone who I have always had to text for 6 years suddenly wasn't there to talk to. To be honest he didn't handle things well and even though it never turned nasty, I just felt anger. Anger towards him, angry at how he knew how I felt yet totally ignored that, angry for letting myself fall deep for him and generally angry at him for making me sad. I don't know why I was more upset about this more than the way I felt being heartbroken by my first love. I think because now I'm older grown up and just want to settle down and be happy. Me and this guy stopped all contact and I feel nothing but anger towards him. Of course my feelings haven't stopped and I wish I could turn it off like a tap.

The past month or so has been a massive struggle for me. In my health, family and just in general and this hasn't made it any easier. With me being at home constantly, it allows me to overthink so much and it drives me crazy. Beth has been amazing throughout all of this and has made me see a lot of sense which I am grateful for.

I never asked for marriage, for kids, for anything serious quick, I simply asked for honesty and to be happy. I promised him I will always try my best to make him happy as a friend or whatever. Recently we have spoken, just general and suddenly I felt like I was back at square one. I have been trying to put him at the back of my mind and I was doing fine but all of a sudden that changed. I am not saying I want him back ASAP but I would just love to have the chance to try. I hate that now days people just give up so easily and you hardly see couples try and work things out. Life isn't easy and we all have our own battles so we should try and help each other, make things work and fix things that are broken not just throw them away. I would love to be with him I am not going to lie to myself anymore but I am putting myself first. Something that I have never done before with any guy. Maybe we are not meant to be or maybe we are meant to be. Who knows. 

No one can predict the future but sometimes I just wish I knew some parts of the future so I can feel happy. I have to continue in getting myself better, better in a way that I can be sure that I will and can be fine alone. Being in love/relationship/happy is something we are need and wish for. If you don't love yourself then no one will love you, I truly believe that. I have depression badly  that is making a massive impact to my life. I am saying things I wouldn't say, I am doing things I never would, I am feeling and thinking stuff that I wouldn't feel if I wasn't depressed. I want a relationship and kids in the future of course, but right now I am putting myself first which is weirdly a good feeling. If I am better then I can make/say/do better things. I know my chronic illnesses won't ever disappear but I know my depression can. I constantly think is he the one, isn't he the one, was it meant to happen so we can go back, was it meant to happen because we are not meant to be, are we going to have a second chance or is that is. I feel like I have wasted so many years having feelings for someone for it to just mess up in a couple of months.

6/7 years of having feelings for someone is a weird feeling in itself. Especially as most of those years I thought we would never even meet up or see each other again so it was almost like I lost him. Whatever happens between us then I know I am going to be fine... I think. If it is meant to be then it will happen when its meant to but for now I am putting him in my heart as he isn't in my life. Life is weird, men are weird hahahaha!!!!!


Love Katie xx