The Guilt & Fear Of A Chornic Illness

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Lately I have been feeling guilt. Guilt for being Chronically Ill. Guilt for not being able to help/work/do general task. I had a major think and had a massive rant on my personal Facebook about it. I have never said on my personal Facebook about my illnesses so it almost felt good to "get it out". Obviously a few people on my Facebook know but about 95% don't. Although I am not one of those people who treats Facebook like a personal diary/put my whole life on there but I felt like I was trying to cover up/act normal so people wouldn't treat me any different. My own Father doesn't really know everything, we don't have a good relationship but when we do speak I choose to just say "I'm Fine".

Guilt is a horrible emotion because I know I can't control this feeling and can't control my illnesses. I wish I could have a normal 9 to 5 job to be able to treat my family to things and to just have a normal day to day routine, I wish I didn't feel the need to hide the fact I am ill to my family, I wish my family would actually take time on reading up on my illnesses to understand and I wish they wouldn't call me "lazy". I have as much guilt about my illnesses as it is so I don't need added on guilt from my family. One person who has literally never judge, commented, called me lazy and constantly is always on the other end on the phone when I need her is Beth. She has IBS so we kind of have similar symptoms which helps her to understand but even if she didn't have IBS I think she would of still understood and been amazing like she is. When I am in Essex staying with Beth, she always ask how I am, makes me toast, makes sure I have a drink for my morning/night medication and if I need to sit down she doesn't call me lazy like most people do.

I have an major fear that I won't be able to play or pick up my nieces. Of course I am in pain constantly but it's bearable at the moment but I know one day the pain will limit the stuff I am able to do now which scares me. Ava knows I have a bad back and she is very good at knowing not to jump on it ect and she is really caring but I don't want her to think that means I can't be the playful fun auntie. I am a "Hands On" Auntie and I always will be. I will not let my illnesses stop being that kind of Auntie. Being with Ava & Bella makes me happy and that sometimes makes the pain easier to deal with.

The fear of having major surgery on my bowels scares me. I have had many of operations in my life but I know what operations people with Colitis have and it bloody scares me. I'm not good when I wake up from any operation and I have a massive panic attack soon as I am woken up so that alone scares me.

The fear of not being able to do things for myself. I mean normal things such as clean, wash, do my make up, dress myself if that makes sense. We all know what Arthritis in the Spine will do in years to come but there isn't a time period of when that time will come. It could be tomorrow or in another 20 odd years. I am independent as it is so this fear is probably the worse out of the fears I have. Everyday or at least I try to everyday, I make sure I always at least put some make up/look decent enough because that alone helps me ALOT, even if I am in my PJ's but having my make up and hair ok does make me feel good. So if I wasn't able to do that I would feel bloody awful and that scares me a lot. IF there was one person I would have "Helping" me would be Bethany to be honest hahaha.

Obviously I have every day to day little fears such as

- Running out of my medication
- Not being able to see the doctor I want to
- Not getting an GP appointment when I need it
- Having a flare up when I am out
- Getting an allergic reaction to one of my medication
- Vomiting
- Being on the train (to Essex) and my back going
- Worrying about eating foods

Those are just a few of the fears I have daily and because I have anxiety I think I make it seems worse than it is sometimes. Beth does reassure me LOTS and sometimes I do need abit of telling if that makes sense. Like Beth will just say YOU WILL BE FINE and sometimes that helps a lot. 

I never realised that guilt and fear would be part of my day to day life. Sometimes it literally makes me so bad that I find myself saying sorry. Sorry for being ill, sorry for not being able to be normal and sorry to all my family.

If anyone reading this has Colitis or any chronic illness, I'd be so grateful if you would get in contact with me. I haven't got any friends or know anyone with an illness that has a massive impact to their life. I'd love to talk to someone who will totally related. Our Twitter is @essextowindsor Our Instagram is essextowindsor and our email is essextowindsor@outlook.com :)

Love Katie xx

Overcoming A Fear

For as long as I can remember I have always had a massive fear of public transport (Trains, tubes, buses ect) and escalators. It started when I went to Disneyland Paris and went on the euro star. I can clearly remember crying my eyes out at the top of the escalator because I was very scared to get on it, after many family members helping me I finally managed to do it but since then it has been a massive thing to my life and turned into a fear. 

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Years ago I used to travel to see my Father in Bristol and the way I got there was using a Coach. This is a 2 hours journey with no stops and every time I used to be so scared and cried on the coach until I came off. Its the people, being in a small space and knowing I can't just walk off that scares me the most. I used to do this journey a lot of times and each time it got worse and I am kinda glad now I don't do this anymore. Then the train/tube fear started as I had a boyfriend who lives in Essex so i used to travel up there which was one hell of a nightmare of a journey. i had to walk 20 minutes into town for a bus which dropped me off at Victoria station in London then from there it was like 3 different trains/tubes and it was a nightmare. Every second of that journey I would be shaking and having panic attacks but luckily me and this guy didn't last long so that journey was no more. Few times a year myself and my family go up to London for days out ect and each time the fear of trains gets worse and also being with family actually makes me worse as weirdly I prefer to travel alone. Now Buses isn't much of a big deal to be honest as the ones I use to go on/go on are local so I know the whole route but I still do panic a lot. Each journey I go on I have to study the route, the stops, the times and I would have to be at least 20/30 minutes early as I had it in my mind that I would always miss bus/train. 

But this year I have HAD to overcome this fear and it was very hard indeed but I cannot tell you how this has changed my life. So now my Brother, Bethany and Nieces lives in Essex and I don't drive it has meant there only way to get up to Essex is via the train and tube. When I first took this journey I was bloody nervous, sick, anxious and panicked so much even though my Mother was with me for the first few trips. As I said before I feel better traveling alone and I hate people being too close to me. 

I can finally say I LOVE trains and tubes now haha and I look forward to the journey alone. I don't think I would of gotten over this fear if I didn't have to go to Essex to be honest but i am so glad I have got over this. Okay I admit of course naturally I do worry and panic still but that is because I now have two chronic illnesses that need to take time and care and planning ahead when traveling but the fear has gone. The way I have got rid of this fear is simply by traveling on transport a lot which may sound stupid but it has worked. Here how I have helped this fear go and tips on what I do to get through each journey...


- Prepare/Plan Ahead. This helps a lot. I make sure I know the train times, book taxi to take me to station early and get on the train early a possible so I can sit down and relax.

- Don't forget water. This might sound stupid but a bottle of water is essential.Obviously for my medications but keep hydrated and it keeps you relax and calm. 

- My little bags of essentials. So I have a make up bag which includes these items : wet wipes, tissues, mirror, my medication, powder, concealer, lipstick/lip liner, a pen, my charger and notepad. All these items do come in handy. I like to sit and write when I'm on the way to Waterloo as it is a 50 mins journey so I just write down whatever is on my mind.  

- Be Comfortable. My white converse, jeans and comfy top are my travel clothes of choice all the time. Converses on the tube are NEEDED. Plus a lot of walking around to tube stops ect so if you're comfortable then it is another thing off your mind. 

Those are a few things that have helped me. Obviously I still get anxious but the panic attacks are not often as they used to be on transport. Now thinking how kind of easy it was to overcome this fear it made me think why didn't I do this years ago when I was younger and used to go out more than I do now but ah well. Have any of you had similar fear or the same? Do you recommend anymore tips that you think will help me? Let me know. 

Love Katie 
xx